Filiation
by Adam Kadmon
Summary: Cognate dependence breeds internecine death.
1. Synalgia

Adam Kadmon

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion

Pre-note: ugh. Another overly long, overly dramatic fic. Surprise surprise. Just giving you a heads up.

Pre-note 2: Mary Sue alert! Set phasers to maximum patience!

* * *

The escape pods were at the west end of the camp. They were mostly ornamental, props to pacify the less confident among the staff and crew. Shiro knew they worked, because he made sure everything here worked, but they were really nothing but overpriced placebos.

His leg slowed him down considerably. It was worse than he first thought. A monitor exploded when this began, skewering his left leg with burning plastic and metal below the knee. Ever since the command room caved in, and the resulting chaos and panic he hadn't stopped to assess the damage, both on his body and the structures littering the area. It would be a waste of time. But looking around now he was surprised by the number of buildings left. They were threadbare and would never be mended, but it was still plain to see, man's presence branded onto the earth.

Shiro staggered through the camp carrying his daughter in his arms. She was unconscious; a falling beam from the command room's ceiling spirited her away from witnessing this almost as soon as it began. He again wondered why he ever allowed her to join him here.

Ever since the divorce his ex-wife had berated him to spend more time with their daughter, to include her in his work, to show at least a passing interest in her existence. It was easier when they were married. Not that much had changed; he spent most of his life as a husband in the lab, only seeing his wife and daughter when he arrived home at the dead of night as they slept on the couch failing in their attempt to wait up for him. The only thing that was different now was where he collapsed at the end of a day. And freed of matrimony her mother had a looser tongue born of rediscovered autonomy.

His daughter was on break from school, and her mother ordered Shiro let her accompany him on his next trip. It would be good for both of them, she said. The girl begged not to go.

But the decision was out of their hands. It would be easier to acquiesce to her demands this time and have the girl tag along, as long as it got her off his back. One less emotional distraction as he saw his ambitions fulfilled.

Shiro wasn't one to brag. Despite his intellect he was fairly modest about his accomplishments. But humility was not an option this time; soon the entire world would know his name, annotated below the sum of his life's work until the end of man.

The sleepless years in the lab hunched over text and research, the ruined relationships and numbed emotional responses… for his theory to become fact any privation was endurable. He supposed having his child observe the event firsthand was a private victory as well. She would be able to take the day she learned to respect her father with her to the grave.

Was what he wanted to say. All of that was impossible now, after what reality gave him. Shiro wondered if this, what was happening right now, was the final tribulation he had to suffer for his mind's truths to be wedded with universal truth. His theories were proven. In the worst, most complete way. Obscurity was certainly no longer possible.

Fiery air slashed his face. The screech of wind raped his ears. His path was a late autumn field of metal beams and support structures, the life of human invention strewn beneath his feet, lifted and discarded as easily as dead leaves. He had yet to pass anything living; the bodies were either buried or turned to dust. He absently wondered if he was the last one alive.

No; there was that man. That man who was always grinning at a joke no one else knew… Shiro hadn't seen him for at least a day. It felt longer. But he wasn't there for the activation, the insertion, the fusion, the flash of perfect light as the anti-AT-Field unfolded and the core expanded beyond all predictable limits… it was like he ran away.

To where? To escape this? To find more colossi buried within the earth and play God with them too? To smile as he did it? And with no one to stop him?

Little boys playing with the power of giants. Shiro supposed he was no different.

He reached the west edge of the camp. There was a long, low shed propped up in the glacial ice, where the escape pods were housed. The roof was missing, blown away, and three of its sides blasted off. Shiro staggered in.

There was only one pod left undamaged. They weren't designed for two people; more than one and it tended to short out. And it could be days before a ship came to search for survivors.

He heard a boom, close enough to make him stumble. The ground shuddered. The air was thick with energy. Despite the climate he was sweating. It felt like walking through an oven.

He gently laid the girl down, propping her up against the side of the pod. Her head slumped down into her chest, blood shadowing her face and seeping into her lap like a stubborn faucet. Shiro ran his hand over the top of her head slowly. Through his glove he barely felt it.

He shut his eyes and bowed his head. He drew his hand back. He stood on shaky legs. He swore. He climbed into the escape vessel.

He hung his head over the edge of the pod. He looked at his daughter one last time. She was still unconscious. He couldn't see her face.

"I am sorry, Misato."

The capsule door closed.

* * *

Filiation

Chapter 1: Synalgia

* * *

The hall was white. It was long. The walls and ceilings were seamless but for a few scattered office doors and structural joints and the occasional necessary light panel. Aside from those minor disturbances it was flawless. Pure. Even the sound of feet hitting the floor was a kind of perfection. Many, most, called this place sterile. Or boring. Or mind numbing. It wasn't. It was merely the work and craft of humans, an instinctive effort to reproduce the absence of fault they wished to see in themselves. There was nothing but excrement beyond these halls, because these halls were not a conscious attempt at any kind of replication. They were simply a sustaining reflexive undercurrent of human minds made manifest. And that made it pure.

The halls were relaxing. They were peace without distraction. There was nothing else like them in this grotesque box full of huddled cowards running from the inescapable death of the outside world.

No, she corrected herself. That was not completely true. There was one redeeming facet. Sitting on a throne of stolen skin within that obscene and perverted thing bathing in blood and held by the magic humans called science, deep inside it, next to a heart and stomach and enclosed by a cage of teeth. A made thing that was not a made thing, that existed before her and would exist after her, ideal and whole and completing. It filled her with—

"Hey, First!"

Rei turned.

There was an all too familiar mane of red hair bobbing up and down as it quickly closed in on her position. She defied the wish to groan. Could she not have any measurable peace? The halls suddenly seemed small and filthy, filled with the teeming mass of humanity known as Soryu Asuka.

"You always wander around this place like a lost puppy," she said, falling in pace beside her comrade-in-arms. "We've both been here for years so I know you don't get lost or anything. Why do you do this all the time?"

"It is peaceful," Rei said plainly.

"More like boring," Asuka said. "Not that I want you tagging along after me all the time, but get a friend or something." She chuckled darkly. "I see the way some of the techs look at you. Well, not as many as me, but those pervs practically undress you with their eyes every chance they get. I mean, Christ. We're _fourteen_. I swear this organization is run by lolicons."

"Let them do as they please," she said dismissively, ignoring the not so subtle jab at their respective commander. "Who they choose to fantasize over is of no concern."

"You're creepy, First. You do know that, don't you?"

"I have been informed before."

The pair walked. In the harsh white gleam of the halls, Asuka found Rei didn't look quite as deathly pallid as she normally did.

"The Commander's son is supposed to arrive today," she remarked. She paused a breath, waiting to see how the girl took it. There was no reaction. Asuka went on. "I guess he's going to be the Third. Somebody's finally going to pilot Unit-01."

"I could pilot Unit-01 if they let me."

"Yeah, yeah. Let's not have this discussion again, please."

Asuka crossed her arms as she snorted. Rei _had_ achieved synchronization with the purple Evangelion, though it was lower than her score with Unit-00, and too marginal to be of any real combat value. But it was more than she had accomplished. When the commanders let Asuka try her hand at Unit-01 she couldn't reach even a basic start-up level. It was as if she wasn't inside the machine at all. It was infuriating, that she, the Second Children, the best pilot NERV had, was upstaged in anything by the gleefully mediocre First.

Despite that trifling limitation she remained far and away the greatest asset NERV possessed. And when her Unit-02 was completed for actual combat, there would be little that could overshadow her again.

"I peeked over Kaji-san's shoulder while he was in his office," Asuka said. "Saw a picture of this Ikari kid. Looks like a total bore. I was hoping NERV would take just a second or two from their whole image of threatening old guys and select a cute Children. You know, other than me."

"Physical appearance has little bearing on piloting ability," Rei stated.

"You're only saying that because you're pastier than a bottle of Elmer's. Really. Me and Kaji-san are the only decent-looking people in this dumping ground for frustrated sci-fi geeks and closet pedophiles." She moaned and stared up at the ceiling, her hands meshing behind her head. "Nothing ever happens here. Sure, kicking your behind in the synch tests is fun, but when are we going to see some action? And I'm not talking about those lame sim training exercises the command crew is fixated on."

"I would not be so eager to experience combat with an actual Angel, Soryu. One did precipitate the death of half the human race."

"Way to stay optimistic, Blue. I'm sure we'd win. The Evas are all sorts of strong. I mean, come on. Giant mechs with AT-Fields against, ooh, big blurry things made of light. Scary." She huffed a little. "I wish my Unit-02 was ready."

Rei understood her tone to mean it was time to stop arguing, and she readily accepted the invitation to silence. They continued walking, their feet echoing down the halls, a leisurely staccato punctuated only by Asuka's intermittent grumblings about the monumental injustice regarding the favoritism of the inferior Units -00 and -01 over her state-of-the-art Unit-02.

The halls twisted and turned in sharply divergent paths, and Asuka followed Rei's lead simply because she knew their respective courses led to the same destination.

Another bend and a new corridor found them staring down a row of offices dedicated to some of the many science technicians and directors that kept NERV alive and operational. They were all closed except one situated in the middle of the hall, where a man was gingerly stepping out trying to carry several folders.

"Hey, Doc," the redhead called out with a wave.

Katsuragi Shiro looked up from locking his office door and politely smiled. He was a man of fifty-five, stiff and lanky from a life lived in the mind, with a long narrow face and a bony nose situated between dim brown eyes. His hair was dark and unruly, curling under his ears like hooks. He rested his weight on his ever-present cane, letting his left leg trail behind him. His smile became a touch more authentic when Asuka all but trotted over to him.

"Hello, Asuka. Rei. How are you two?"

"Oh, you know." The Second shrugged. "Same old, same old. I decided to grace miss honor student with my presence on the way to Central Dogma." She heaved a theatrical sigh. "Kaji-san asked us to be there when he brings in the new kid."

"I see. Give him my best."

"Won't you be there?"

"I have a few things I need to take care of. I imagine I'll meet him soon enough." He glanced past Asuka. "Looks like Rei isn't going to wait for you." He pointed down the hall, where the girl had nearly vanished from sight.

"Hey!" Asuka shouted, and took off after her. "Get back here, First!" She looked over her shoulder, still running. "See ya later, Doc." She disappeared with Rei a moment later.

"Bye," Shiro said.

He locked his door and left in the opposite direction as the children. Asuka was in good spirits, he mused. Despite a new pilot arriving today, and as such, a new rival. This self-delusion might not be the healthiest coping mechanism, but it was certainly among the more socially gainful ones. Especially for one with experience and dedication for it.

Shiro met Asuka in 2005 in Germany during a routine inspection to assess the progress of the second-stage Unit-02, and present a slightly more cordially authoritative face than Ikari's.

After the Second Impact, the foundation which had been privately funding Shiro for the last decade contacted and directly employed him under their scientific research division. Through its various branching wings, he found himself in Hakone under the direction of Ikari Gendo, director of the GEHIRN labs. It was there he first learned of the concept called Evangelion. The project's originator was dead by the time he arrived, and soon after he stepped foot inside GEHIRN its designation changed to NERV.

Along with the abandoned name, that smirking man he met briefly at the Pole was gone, vanished alongside his wife, replaced with the bleak and miserable thing he now called Commander.

Before Shiro could even meet the rest of the research team, Gendo sent him to Germany to remind the European branch who was really owned Unit-02. He met Dr. Soryu who was, even he had to admit, brilliant. She was one of the driving forces in the development of the Evangelion after Yui's death. She insisted on remaining in Germany, hoping to aid her country in any way she could.

He was present for Unit-02's initial activation, and Soryu's subsequent illness and suicide. The entire sequence of events was, as Shiro understood it, necessary. He wondered if Dr. Soryu knew what would happen to her, and more importantly, what would happen to her daughter. Which naturally led to the question that had bothered him since he arrived in Hakone: did Yui know too?

Afterwards he used the marginal authority Gendo granted him and gathered what was left of the shaken NERV Germany branch and announced he was dissolving its command over the production-type Evangelion and taking it back to Japan with him. Though the Germans openly bemoaned the plan and threatened to fight the decision, if only to try and work through the horror of Kyoko's fate, they relented in the end because they did not have any real say in the matter. Gendo finally took an interest in the events, and though he questioned the wisdom of pooling both active pilots in a single location, he approved the plan; retaining the possession of the only two Children on earth was conducive to weaseling more funds from the Committee.

In the lengthy period between collecting Kyoko's work and secreting it away to the main branch, Shiro approached her daughter. It was only natural for the girl to be transported along with Unit-02. She had been "chosen" by the Marduk agency as the Second Children just before her mother's death.

When Shiro met the four-year-old Asuka she was stoically numb and alone, focusing on nothing but her newfound identity as a pilot. He couldn't imagine many children faring better after witnessing a parent's death.

What remained of the girl's family did little to help her. Kyoko's ex-husband relinquished any parental rights and left Asuka to the mercy of NERV's care center, desperate for a fresh start free of his barren insane embarrassment of a former spouse, unable to look to the future and the past at the same time.

With so many orphans in the post-Impact world, it was not unheard of for a group with means to take in children. Just another nameless refugee adopted by just another bizarre fringe outfit both condemning each other to failure.

Asuka didn't seem to care one way or the other. Shiro knew psychological problems were all but assured later in her life, but if she was to pilot, was to defend everyone, any overt instability would be a disaster.

Realizing his own experiment in childrearing did little in the way of earning him the right to criticize anyone else's parental style, Shiro left Mr. Langley to his little fantasy of a happy family and kept Asuka with him, trying in his own defective, amateurish way to make her feel that she was at least a partially normal kid.

He didn't harbor any illusions; he'd never be her father and she'd never be his child. The necessity of profession and survival kept him near her until NERV Germany was dissolved of its rights over Unit-02 and it was transported to Japan. Shiro was named her interim guardian for the trip, arriving home with the expectation of giving the girl over to whatever existence the foster system allotted her.

She was shuffled through a few homes, though the vast majority of her days were spent within NERV being tested and evaluated, and trained. Intense physical, mental, and martial arts exercises, private tutoring on tactics and warfare strategy, as well as "desensitization" practices, exposing her to footage from the World Wars and post-Impact refugee camps to dull sympathy and consideration for non-combative humans in actual battle.

And because she was so mechanical in her deference to the Eva, it made everything the staff put on her tolerable. They would all tell themselves it was necessary and could believe it because she did not complain.

Soon after Shiro arrived in Japan with Asuka, a young man who called himself Ryoji Kaji was admitted into NERV, hand-picked by the Japanese Ministry of Defense, and delivered to Ikari like some sort of present. He spent his entire post-adolescent life studying tactical warfare and battle strategy, graduating towards the middle of his military class, but gaining recognition for formulating unorthodox and inventive situational attack scenarios. He represented the burgeoning new wave of military thought following the post-Impact wars, of suppression and domination over outright obliteration. And when facing enemies that could not be destroyed by conventional means, untraditional strategies were essential.

Kaji found Asuka, and she latched onto him. He didn't seem fazed at all, and let her follow him around the base. It was, to be sure, an odd relationship. But if nothing else Asuka was used to odd relationships. It raised a few eyebrows within NERV, but no more than Rei's conspicuous presence at the Commander's side. And Kaji quickly made it known he preferred an older kind of woman. At least old enough to be deemed legal.

Eventually the overworked and underfunded foster system tired of Asuka along with the many families that housed her, and Kaji offered to keep an eye on the girl. Again, many an eyebrow rose, but since no one else wanted to handle her, they looked the other way since it was easier than worrying.

Asuka's childhood need to mold a personality attractive enough to garner praise and attention affixed itself to Kaji's hollow affability and allowed her to smile and claim visibility from the adults in authority that she wanted, in a far more effective way than her numb obedience. Shiro encouraged it, even if it was a mask, and perhaps because she remembered their early time together, perhaps because he was the first person to show a semblance of care after her mother died, Asuka warmed to him considerably. The connection continued to the present, due mostly to their mutual disregard of how artificial her exterior temperament really was.

Despite the little dance they performed and her almost unnatural skill at combat and piloting, the means to purchase ego reinforcement, Shiro wished she'd never have to see actual warfare. Failing at that, the basis of her entire life, could destroy her completely. And of course she could die, too.

Shiro had tried talking to Rei as well over the few years he knew her, but she always kept herself at a distance from everyone else. He reasoned being raised by the Commander didn't exactly foster a bubbly, sociable personality.

He snorted softly. Treating her like his daughter. Gendo had an interesting sense of humor.

But now Ikari Shinji, his real child, was arriving today. What was so special about today? Why now, of all times?

_Gendo's son,_ he thought. _Why on earth wasn't he here training with Asuka and Rei since the beginning?_

What was that man planning this time?

Shiro walked. As always, he thought. Moving his legs, even the injured one, was conducive to reflection. It always had been. He did not stop to question it. Perhaps the exertion of physicality serving as a contrasting promotion to mental activity.

He walked and thought. About Asuka, Rei, Kaji, Gendo, NERV, the Evas, the Angel rotting beneath his feet, the world that had proven him wrong by not giving him any more giants. He thought about the boy arriving today, all but doomed to the life he and everyone else he knew was sinking in. And while his future was already mapped out for him, it had to be this way. Another necessity.

He walked and thought.

* * *

_Come._

Shinji stared at the letter again, and the only word printed on it. The first contact he had with his father in nearly three years, and all he said was a single word. A command. An order.

His first response was to burn the letter, bury the ashes, and piss in the hole. He stopped himself after merely ripping it to pieces. It took him the better part of a day to reassemble the strips and tape them back together. And it still said the same thing.

Come.

Leave your life, leave your school, leave your aunt and uncle, leave everything you have grown up with. And come to me. Even though I abandoned you. Even though I never bothered to visit you. Even though I don't give a damn. Come.

Shinji sat on the wide steps of the train station, staring at the ground as people passed by without looking at him. He had just called the number provided by the enclosed pamphlet that arrived with his father's letter, speaking to a young woman who told him to wait at the train depot. She sounded nice. Energetic. Filled with expectation and hope for life.

"Idiot."

The flow of civilians gradually siphoned off until the train lurched forward with a metallic groan and slid away along the tramline snaking through the city. He watched it twist between shining towers of silver and white, floating above the boisterous life of the populace; cars marched on crowded streets in fixed ranks, pedestrians swarmed along sidewalks like ants, even all the accompanying noise was fast and directed. This was a metropolis that did not have time to waste on anything.

Shinji stared at the letter. The word. It was still the same.

A tiny childish part of his mind wondered if his father was asking him back because he wanted him now. If he changed his mind and they could be a family, like normal people. They could live together, and he could go to school, and his dad could go to work, and Shinji could try and be happy without being forced to push a fake smile through his teeth for once in his life.

He tried to smile, right there, sitting by himself on the edge of an unfamiliar city. He tried hard. To prove… what? That he could do it? That it really was all a disgusting mask? His lips curled up, then back, showing his teeth. It felt like some animal's mouth supplanted over his own. It did not feel unnatural.

"Hey there!" a friendly voice cut through to him. "You're Ikari Shinji, aren't you?"

The boy turned to the foot of the steps and found a charmingly scruffy man in a silver sports car idling on the road in front of him; bucket seats, no top, and sleek profile all combining to announce this was a male with distinct and well-known tastes. He was wearing some type of uniform, dark sunglasses, and an easy grin.

"Yeah. How do you know my name?"

"I'm Captain Kaji," the man said, removing his shades. His eyes made him look old. "Hop in. I'm here to pick you up. You did get my letter and photo, right?"

"That was you?" Shinji pulled out the rest of the papers sent to him. The written portion was hand printed on stationary, an overly affable welcoming, and had a small picture attached showing a clean-cut young man with slicked-back hair and a somber countenance. Shinji looked back up at the man to compare. "This is really you?" He approached slowly, holding out the photo to show him.

"Yeah. Thought it would be funny." Kaji leaned over to open the passenger side door. "Come on. We should get going. The sooner we get there the sooner you can start to adapt." He still saw suspicion on the boy, and pulled out his ID. "There. See? Captain Kaji. Believe me now?"

Shinji took a few moments glancing between the letter and the ID, and finally decided if this really was a kidnapper or murderer, he'd at least be able to go out in style. He climbed into the car. The man stepped on the gas as soon as he sat down.

"Wh-where exactly are we going?" Shinji asked, hastily strapping his seatbelt over his lap.

Kaji tossed a small pamphlet on his passenger's lap without looking.

"Flip through it. It'll help to familiarize you with where we're headed, 'kay?"

"NERV?" Shinji said, reading the cover of the booklet. "This is where my father works?"

"Yup. It's a pretty famous place. Recognized all over the world, and 'is a vital ally of the Japanese government and UN.'"

"Sounds important."

"It is," Kaji said with an odd smile. "Almost everyone in the city works for it, in one way or another. Even if they don't know it."

"So, what does it do?"

"Oh, a little bit of everything. Our computer system helps run Tokyo-3, we advance the fields of science, technology and bioengineering, we're into construction and zoning… we even manage power systems for some of the surrounding cities. We've got our hands in a lot of things."

They drove. Shinji didn't have time to wonder at the stunningly advanced city racing past him. He tried to summon something, to feel disappointed that he was missing this weird and wonderful place by traveling so fast. All he felt was a massive nothing. Like someone scooped out his insides.

His father was somewhere in this strange city, and he was speeding towards him. Despite his youth, despite his secret desires, he didn't see this ending well. It wasn't even the anniversary of his mother's death. What the hell did he want to talk to him about?

The car eventually reached a wide tunnel along a deserted back road that descended into a lift, and after locking the vehicle in place began to swiftly clatter downwards. Shinji's mask of indifference shattered.

"Wow," he blurted as the car rail cleared the final barrier separating the colossal expanse of the Geofront's floor with the surface. "This… this place is huge. It must have taken you forever to dig all this out."

"I bet it did." Kaji looked at the boy and felt a genuine smile itching on his lips. It wasn't often he got the chance to see someone truly awed by this place. He was so blasé about it by now it was a kind of novelty to witness an outsider's reactions. "I guess it is a little impressive. See that pyramid? That's where we're going. It's roomier than it looks. Most of it is underground. Ah, more so." He watched Shinji try to take everything in, like a toddler on Christmas morning. His burgeoning good mood faltered. "Welcome to NERV."

They reached the bottom in sixteen minutes. Another five and they were on a narrow road that led to the outskirts of the base. The path was deserted, only the occasional maintenance grid or cluster of trees obscuring their sight. They travelled at a quick rate; Captain Kaji had a heavy foot, though he appeared relaxed and in control the entire time. Shinji saw a pack of half-empty smokes resting on the gearshift panel.

The headquarters abruptly disappeared as they entered a sunken tunnel leading to an underground parking facility for officers. The car stopped in a wide space with a placard mounted on the wall reading "Reserved. Captain Kaji." Shinji finally decided he wasn't being kidnapped.

A lengthy and silent elevator trip later, they entered into NERV proper. Kaji led him through the sterile base, weaving down corridors and halls like it was second nature to the man even though there was little to distinguish one from another. Shinji followed as best he could, almost jogging behind him while trying to flip through the pamphlet.

"What's the rush?" he asked.

"Don't you want to see your dad? Isn't this an important day for you two?"

It was a dirty tactic, to play dumb and let this kid talk, but Kaji didn't care. He had read all the personnel files and reports on Ikari Shinji, but he wanted to know who this boy was; what he thought of himself and his father from his own mouth. After all, he was going to be his commanding officer. Even before receiving the official dossier on him, Kaji wasn't stupid enough to imagine this little visit was anything other than some manipulative ploy to force this child into becoming a Children.

"I don't know if it's important," Shinji said. "I don't even know what he wants from me." He paused. "Do you?"

"Sorry. I couldn't say." That wasn't a lie; he really couldn't say.

"Are you taking me to him right now?"

"Not quite yet. We got one little stop to make first. There are some people you should meet. I'm sure you'll like them." _The real question is if they'll like you._ He glanced at the boy. _Definitely a no._

Kaji led him down another hall to a spacious conference room dominated by a long table in its center, screens and unmarked metallic boxes littering the white walls. Waiting inside were three girls; one tall with fiery red hair who was leaning against the wall in a picture of exasperation, another with pale skin and blue hair reading a small booklet, and the last was wearing an beige uniform and a friendly smile. Kaji pushed Shinji ahead.

"Glad you all decided to come out today." He grinned as the redhead snorted. "Well, this is Ikari Shinji. Give him a big Tokyo-3 welcome."

"Yo," the first girl said simply, giving a very short, very forced wave. "I'm Asuka. Welcome to NERV, The Boringest Place on Earth."

"I am Ayanami Rei," the other stated. She glanced up once from her book, then back down.

"Hi! My name is Ibuki Maya. Pleased to meet you, Ikari-kun. I hope you like your stay here."

"Hi," Shinji said, trying not to gawk at the three goddesses standing before him. The question forming in the back of his mind, of why this place needed teenagers, was put to the wayside behind the wispy thought of what these girls tasted like. He offered a clumsy wave, which only Ibuki returned.

"Is the introduction over?" Asuka drawled. This little boy, though slated for pilot status, wasn't one yet. As such, he didn't deserve any recognition beyond a disdainful eye to let him know his place. If he did stay in the base he'd learn who was really in charge soon enough. "Can I leave now?"

"Don't be so cold," Kaji said, though he was smiling. "You should spend some time with him. Get to know him. He actually seems like a pleasant Ikari."

Maya opened her mouth on reflex to again refresh the Captain on an officer's proper deference and respect to his commander in front of personnel, but was sharply cut off by Asuka.

"That's totally impossible," she said, mustering as much justifiable condescension as she could. "I don't care if his dad didn't raise him. All Ikari's are creepy and humorless control freaks."

Kaji again reminded himself why he could never leave that girl alone with his laptop. She just had a knack for learning things she wasn't supposed to.

"No, really," he continued, hoping to salvage at least part of this introduction, and Shinji's fast deteriorating mood. The boy's eyes had fallen to the floor at the 'didn't raise him' remark. "He's a bit on the quiet side, but he's really well mannered. And I thought you liked cute guys, Asuka."

"'Cute,'" she repeated. She gave Shinji a hasty once-over and unsuccessfully stifled a derisive snort. "If you say so. Or are you expanding your own options, Kaji-san?"

"Christ," he muttered. He hoped the attempt to push Asuka down a few pegs would earn at least a small reaction of life from the boy at his side, but he just glared at his feet. "Well, how about a woman's opinion? Ibuki? You're a fan of the cute ones, right?"

"… I don't think I should be talking about such things." She covered her mouth to conceal her smile. "It isn't proper. He's only fourteen."

"It isn't like I'm asking you to sleep with him. It's a simple yes or no question."

Maya looked away, finding the door exceedingly interesting. Kaji sighed.

"How about you, Rei?" he said cheerfully. "What do you think of little Ikari?"

Rei kept reading. Asuka failed at containing another snort. Kaji sighed again.

"Sorry. They're usually more sociable than this. Well, Ibuki is." That earned a slightly outraged huff from the Second. "I suppose we should get going, meet the Commander and all."

"'Commander?'" Shinji repeated, glancing up. _What kind of place is this?_

"Well, yeah," Kaji said, already ushering the Children out after absently waving goodbye to Maya. "Your dad's the boss of this hole in the ground. Getting to meet him in person is kind of an honor, I guess. Maybe more like a prize." _Or not, depending how you look at it._

It struck Shinji as utterly ridiculous. His father, head of a huge, powerful organization like this? When he couldn't even look after his only child?

"Hello."

Shinji shook himself back to his present. There was a man waiting for them at the end of the hall, leaning heavily on a thin cane. He looked resignedly intelligent.

"Dr. Katsuragi," Kaji greeted. "Coming along for the show?" He nodded slightly to the boy at his side.

"I guess I should." Shiro looked down on the child. "You must be Ikari Shinji."

"Seems like everyone knows my name around here," he muttered.

"It's a very important name."

Shinji glanced at the man. Then away. Something about his voice disturbed him deeply. It wasn't threatening in the least, or some sinister growl. It was completely calm and composed, almost smooth like silk, but it sounded rehearsed. Like an unnatural inflection learned for a theater role.

"Yeah, yeah," Asuka sniped. "Real important. NERV and nepotism go hand in hand. Of course it's an 'important name.'"

Shiro turned away smiling good-naturedly, almost indulgently. Kaji quirked a quick grin before forcing an apologetic look towards Shinji. Rei walked.

The path they took was long and circuitous, but Kaji said something about not wanting to use a shoddy motorized raft to get to the cage, whatever that was. After ten minutes of marching they spotted a woman leaning against a wall, taking angry glances at her watch. She introduced herself as Dr. Akagi Naoko. She was tall and curvy, her sharp face framed by dark coiling hair, wearing a prim lab coat and a strangely affected smile.

"Ah, my other favorite doctor," Kaji said as the party reached her. "I know you and Katsuragi both have to be present for today's festivities, but seeing the two of you together outside the lab is such a treat. Especially you, my lovely Akagi."

"Still such a charmer," she replied flatly. "You're young enough to be my greasy son. Act your age."

"You wound me."

Asuka rolled her eyes, forced to witness her guardian's innate flirting yet again. Rei stared ahead. Shinji looked away. Shiro readjusted his cane.

"Please. If I wanted to wound you I'd use my heel." Naoko shook her head in an extremely long-suffering manner, because she had suffered so long in this manner, and began leading everyone ahead. "Took you long enough to get here. Let's go."

She was obviously older than he was Shinji reasoned, but it was impossible to discern by how many years. She possessed an odd agelessness, stuck between mid-adulthood and menopausal existence. Shinji suddenly wondered if the only criteria NERV had for hiring females was to look really good.

The halls bled together. They were all white and plain, disconnected from the things pushing through them. Shinji's legs ached. He glanced around him and noticed he was the only one who seemed to mind. He wanted to sit down, or ask someone where they were going.

_Right. Father. Why the hell can't he meet _us?

"Here it is," Kaji finally said. His voice was dull.

He stepped past Naoko and swiped a card in a slot on what looked like a blank industrial wall. It made a sharp clunking noise, and a door opened from its seams, revealing a bridge suspended over a liquid. It was dark; the only light spilling from the hall behind them. They strode in, leaving Shinji to blindly follow after.

A moment in the pitch, and lights crashed to life. Shinji forced his eyes to adjust. He looked to his right, conforming to everyone else's stare.

It was some kind of skull. Two hollow sockets for eyes, a horn between them, jutting cheeks, a muzzled mouth, highlighted with purple and green. Its body, if it had one, was submerged in a strange-smelling liquid that appeared to fall dozens of meters below his feet. Shinji had the urge to laugh. A robot? He felt like he just stepped into a bad anime.

"This is the culmination of mankind's work for the past fifteen years," Naoko told him. She decided a little pomp might impress the boy since the sight of the mech alone didn't, and ease him into agreeing to pilot. "What we have worked on to safeguard humanity. This is the synthetic life form Evangelion, Unit-01."

Shinji suddenly felt like an idiot just gawking at this thing, and asked the only question that seemed relevant to him.

"Is this… this is my father's work?"

"Correct," a voice tumbled from above the umbilical bridge. Gendo stared down at his son wearing blank and detached face.

_Your work?_ Shiro thought. _Well, I suppose theft of this scale is a kind of work._

"Why… why did you even want me to come here?" Shinji was saying. "Just to show me some robot?"

"I don't want you here. I need you here. I finally have a use for you."

Shiro expected something along these lines. Gendo wasn't a cruel man, not in the traditional sense. He was just incredibly calculating. Acting chummy and loving towards his son might garner a temporary connection and allegiance, but inevitably the boy would wonder why he was abandoned in the first place. Being cold and indifferent only drove Shinji on in his quest for approval from his father.

"A use," Shinji said to himself. His eyes wavered.

Expected.

Asuka and Rei watched the exchange from the wall of the cage by the door. Both were impassive. Kaji was ahead of them, looking sidelong at Shinji, an expression of restrained understanding in his eyes. Naoko stepped forward to launch into the needed explanation of what exactly the boy's use was.

An alarm sounded at Gendo's side. He turned on it without haste.

"An unknown life form has been detected outside the city's perimeter," he announced. "It is most likely an Angel."

Kaji openly gasped. Naoko's was far more guarded. Shiro didn't bother checking how the girls took it.

He imagined the inevitable response from the rest of the base. It couldn't be anything less than bedlam, some sick circus act of screams and flailing limbs, forgetting themselves and their responsibilities for the long moment between the tedium of their old existence and the sudden realization that they would in fact someday die.

He often wondered how everyone would react to another Angel. This was NERV, after all. It indoctrinated people into simultaneously fighting against the end of the world and expecting it. Like buying a gun to keep in your sock drawer, all the while knowing you'd someday hold it to your head and empty it.

This had to be more than mere coincidence. Ikari's son, the logical pilot of the only combat-ready Evangelion, arriving today of all days? Shiro wasn't surprised by the earth-shattering advent of a new Angel. Because Gendo had to have known. A convenience like this was too big to swallow. It should have stunned him. It really should have. All he felt was a subtle sense of inevitability.

The catwalks and bridges lining the cage walls quickly filled with technicians beginning precautionary initial activation checks and maintenance on Unit-01, despite NERV's secondary status behind the military. Better safe than sorry was the official reasoning, even if the higher-ups knew who would eventually take the reins.

"The military will have first crack at it," Kaji grumbled, now at Shiro's side. He sounded disappointed. His eyes fell on Shinji along with everyone else's.

"Get in it," Gendo ordered his son.

"Shinji-kun," Naoko said before the boy could react, "you will pilot the Evangelion and fight the Angel."

"… what?" His entire countenance screwed into a futile effort to understand what was happening. "Why? Wh… what in the world is an Angel supposed to be?"

No one answered. His face went slack for a moment, the mouth slightly parted. Then the lips crashed together and the jaw clenched. He spoke through his teeth to his father, his eyes on the floor.

"You… you called me here, you finally talked to me… just to drive some stupid robot? Just to go out and fight some thing?" Shinji was shaking. "This… this is a joke." No one answered him, their silence tacitly ordering him to comply with his father's command. He looked up towards the only person who had even tried to display something approaching concern since he arrived.

"Get in," Kaji said.

"But, my father can't—"

"Shinji-kun," Kaji said firmly. "What did you expect would happen today? That you were coming here for some happy family reunion? You knew that wasn't what this trip was. Deluding yourself into thinking anything else is childish. It's time to grow up."

"I'm _fourteen!_" he yelled.

"Asuka and Rei are fourteen, too. But they've decided to act like adults and help us. They're not being selfish. They've learned to be responsible. And believe me, you're not the only fourteen-year-old with troubles. But your own problems don't give you the right to ignore everyone else's."

"There has to be someone else—"

"There is no one else. If you don't do this, people will die."

The boy's head shook, trying to force the notion from his mind.

"People will die," the Captain said sharply. "Unless we stop that Angel everyone in this city could be killed." He paused. Time to present the option of the noble warrior. Kids ate that nonsense up. "Help us, Shinji-kun. Don't think about regrets. Think about the people living in this city. You have a chance to save them. Don't you care about them? About your honor or integrity?"

Shinji gritted his teeth.

"Are you just going to let two girls fight while you sit back and watch?" Kaji said. "Are you that shameless?"

"No!" he screamed. He swallowed his emotion and spoke in a hissing whisper. "N-no. I won't do it. No matter what you say."

The boy panted, his outburst over. The audience looked away, anywhere but the walkway under the Eva, suddenly uncomfortable. The initial thrill and excitement of seeing yet another child getting roped into this existence firsthand was replaced with the knowledge that they shouldn't have been thrilled or excited.

"Fine," Gendo spoke. His son didn't look at him. "If you won't do it, then run away. A coward is of no use to me." He turned and left, heading back to the command bridge and the generals from the military that were sure to be awaiting him there by now.

The rest of the room realized the show was over and hurried to prepare for a possible sortie against the Angel. Asuka and Rei were the first to leave. Kaji gave a final shake of his head as he looked down at Shinji, then left for Central Dogma. Everyone else followed suit. Low-level techs and maintenance crews cleaned up and abandoned the cage, their job done. Unit-00 needed to be prepped now that the boy refused. Naoko shouted orders to the crew as she left for the command center, preparing for the attack she knew was certain.

"Dr. Akagi," Shiro said offhandedly as she passed him under the gaze of the Eva. "When you reach the bridge, please eject and open Unit-01's entry plug."

"… excuse me?"

"Please do it."

"Nothing you say will change his mind," she whispered. "If his own father couldn't what chance to you have? You just met him."

"Please do it."

Naoko exited the cage with a short sigh through her teeth. She was the last to leave, and after she did the chamber fell into abysmal peace.

There was silence for a time. Shinji gazed down at the dense liquid surrounding Unit-01. Like crystalline blood.

"We still have a little while," Shiro said. "The JSSDF has priority command over an emergency like this. But it's only a matter of time before they swallow their pride and hand control over to your father."

Shinji stared at the floor.

"The military brass may resort to using an N2 mine, but at most that will slow the Angel down. It's up to us to stop it. This, to fight the Angels, is why NERV was created, and why the Eva was built. Without it, we'd just be waiting to die right now. Are you ready to die, Shinji-kun?"

"Stop talking to me. I'm not going inside that thing. I don't care what you say. What anyone says. So just leave me alone."

The purple skull stared down at them with empty eyes. Most of the cage lights had been turned off as the crews left, only a pair of high-power fluorescents at either end of the umbilical bridge illuminating the chamber. Shiro could almost forget where they were, of what they were standing over, and of what stood above them. The stench of blood seemed to fade into some sort of obscene perfume one would catch from a passing woman on a busy street.

"You hate your father so much?"

"I told you to stop talking."

"My dad was killed in a car crash when I was young," Shiro said, unfazed. "Ten or eleven, I think. My mother raised me alone. I was in my first year of college when she died. She had struggled with cancer for years without telling me, and instead of tightening our finances and trying to fight it, she sent me to school. In a way, I guess you could say she died for me."

His tone was light, almost amused.

"I was angry with her for a long time. But I eventually realized why she did it. For a parent to sacrifice their life for their child's… that is the greatest act of love that exists in this world. Even so, if I could go back and change it, I would. Though I know she'd just do the same thing again. She wanted to give me the life she felt I deserved. I suppose it was selfish of her. She made the decision about my life, what I wanted, by herself without asking me. She died because she believed what she was doing was right."

He glanced down. Shinji didn't appear to be listening.

"Parents don't always make the right choices regarding their children. They might not care that they do. They might not even love them. But just as parents have a responsibility to help their children, children have a responsibility to help their parents. It's a two-way street. If either side just sits by, leeching off the other, it's no different than being a thief. Your father may not help you, and you may not help him, but you have someone else to consider.

"Would your mother want you to just sit by?"

"Where do you get off talking about my mother?" Shinji snapped. His teary eyes flashed in utter fury.

Shiro watched him calmly for a moment, then continued in a blithe tone.

"I met your mom after the Second Impact," he said. He looked up at Unit-01. "I had heard about her in the late nineties, a brilliant young theorist who was shaking up the scientific community with her boldly fresh takes on bioengineering. Along with Dr. Akagi, she was one of the leading minds of our time."

Shinji stared at him. His mother… he couldn't believe she was anything other than his mother. She was just a normal woman. She was just the only person who ever loved him.

"I met her right after you were born, after the Impact," Shiro reiterated. He smiled strangely. "She looked very happy. Like she was holding the entire world in her arms." His voice paused in hesitation. "Do you know what caused the Second Impact, Shinji-kun?"

The boy opened his mouth to respond.

"It wasn't a meteor," Shiro said before he could speak. "That story was fabricated to keep the masses in the dark. You see, there are truths in this world that could topple civilization. I'm not being trite. People couldn't handle it.

"Shinji-kun, an Angel triggered the Second Impact. An entity was found buried in the ice at the North Pole and an investigation team was sent to study it. During the course of the examination it awoke, and detonated, melting the ice cap and heralding the Impact.

"I'm sure you've learned about the years following it, the wars and homelessness and famine and disease. I lived through it. It was hell. Again, I'm not being melodramatic. It was a global nightmare, unlike anything before it. I cannot even describe it; there are no words. It is something that cannot allow to happen again.

"It was caused by an Angel, just like the one in the city right now. Meaning the threat of a Third Impact, one that could in theory annihilate the entire human race, is very real, and above us as we speak. Conventional military forces cannot match the power of an Angel. Only the Evangelion has a chance."

He stopped to breathe. When he spoke again it was oddly calmed.

"And only children born after the Second Impact can pilot the Eva. Believe me, we'd use trained soldiers if we could. But we can't. The Evas won't let just anyone control them. But this is something you can do. And I feel it's what your mother would want from you."

Shinji's eyes narrowed. The man had an incredibly composed and poised way of speaking, like a hypnotist lulling him into a state of defenselessness. It was getting harder and harder to stay angry 

with the man. But he wasn't like his father, or the Captain. He hadn't explicitly ordered him to do anything yet. And he was telling him about his mother.

"The Evangelion was made to help everyone who survived the Impact," Shiro said. "From Angels, from each other, from themselves… that was why your mother created the Eva. To rescue man in the hope he should, and would, continue living. She is the one who brought the Eva into our world for that purpose. Not your father, not me, not anyone else. It was her. She created it."

He finally turned back to Shinji, taking in his awestruck face and features. He really did look like his mother, he mused. Idly, he registered the LCL draining from the cage, fully revealing the neck and shoulders of the Eva. The boy beside him didn't notice at all.

"Shinji-kun," he said. "If you just stand by and do nothing, if you refuse to help us and pilot the Eva then you'll be betraying your mother's wishes. And if you do that it will be no different than if you killed your mother yourself."

Shinji looked like he had been punched.

"All that remains of her is her will," Shiro stated. "Her wishes and dreams. Denying them means denying her, and then there will truly be nothing left of Ikari Yui. She will be dead, in every sense of the word. You're the only one who can sustain her."

The doctor took a silent breath.

"Or you can sit by and watch, and refuse your mother and the world she worked to create for you. And kill her again, this time forever. Is that what you want?"

Shinji tried to keep from crying.

"Is it?"

"… no," the boy choked out.

"I see," Shiro said softly. He stayed quiet for a moment. The child next to him struggled not to openly weep. "At the moment I am of little consequence. All I can do is talk. But words won't decide this battle. It will be decided by the Evangelion, and who chooses to sit inside her."

He waited. After a half-minute, like a sudden thunderclap, the back of the Eva opened and a long tube spun out. Shinji jumped. Shiro let the shock wear off before he spoke again.

"Rei is out there now, but she won't win. Her Unit-00 is the prototype. It was made for tests and experiments, not combat. Asuka's Unit-02 isn't operational, and she can't make Unit-01 move. It's up to you."

"How do you know I'll even be able to—"

"I am sure of, Shinji-kun." He stared at the boy. He still couldn't push aside his fear and hurt. He was just a child. Shiro let his eyes slip shut. "Reality is not easy to accept, but it is something we all must do. And after the Impact we can't delude ourselves with anything but the one true reality man has: life is pain. History is filled with grotesque and perverse acts by humans, and it's only gotten worse in the last fifteen years. But sitting on the sidelines when you can help to at least try and change that reality is terrible too. Existing for yourself is an affront against our race and your mother."

Shiro reluctantly opened his eyes. He waited until the boy looked up to him.

"Your father will never be who you want him to be. He will never smile and hug you and say he loves you. It is not who he is. You have to stop wishing for it. He doesn't have it in him anymore.

"But your mother loved you. She always loved you. And she will always love you, no matter what. But what's important, is if you love _her_. If you do, then prove it. Use the Evangelion and save us. Save yourself. Save her. Your father has been killing her for far too long. You can stop him."

He paused only a breath.

"Don't you kill her too."

The boy's entire body was shaking. He looked like he was about to hyperventilate.

"You have an obligation to keep each other alive," Shiro said. He sighed tiredly. "Fear and indecision won't accomplish it. Only human action can. And right now your action is the only one that can make any kind of difference.

"I won't lie. It will be extremely dangerous. All NERV can do for you is show you the path. You have to take the first step. But you won't be by yourself."

He studied Shinji's shoulders and balled fists trembling under the onus of his childhood slipping from his grasp. His face had fallen against his chest. Shiro did not look away.

"You are not alone. Your mother will always be watching over you, Shinji-kun."

The child was finally crying. Silent tears crawled down his face. He wasn't trying to hide them, or wipe them away. He let them fall. His shirt was speckled with water. Shiro watched for a moment, then turned and left.

He walked out of the cage and made his way back to the command bridge, both to lend any help and support he could, and to bear witness to this new Angel and the possible end of the world.

The bridge was chaos. People were yelling, alarms were blaring, the main monitor was alive with diagrams and live feeds of Unit-00 in its cage. The three lieutenants were bent over their control panels, fingers flying across keyboards in pale blurs. Dr. Akagi was leaning over Maya's shoulder, directing her actions. Asuka was propped up against the command tower, arms tightly crossed, eyes glued on the main screen and Unit-00, smoldering with frustration. Captain Kaji was at the center of the room, shouting orders and spinning like a dervish, instructions and demands reverberating throughout the chamber.

The JSSDF finally swallowed their pride, Shiro thought. Just as well. He supposed NERV deserved to die first.

The main monitor displayed the Angel, curled into itself at the center of a massive barren crater, as its skin and body burned. Below it was a timer counting backwards, the projected time until the invader recovered itself enough to attack. Twenty-five and a half minutes remained.

Humanoid, Shiro thought. It looked enough like Adam and the Evas. A part of him expected some drastic alteration in its presentation. But it had arms and legs, odd, large arms tapering directly into clawed fingers all supported by spindly legs, but arms and legs nonetheless. He couldn't see the core.

"The Angel is too far out of our reach," Kaji stated flatly. "The N2 mine completely wiped out our cable outposts. Meaning Unit-00 can't reach it. The cables from the city aren't long enough to travel a distance that great. And the battery won't give her enough time to do anything once she arrives."

"Orders, sir?"

"We'll have to wait and see what it does next. None of our current weapons can reach it. We can only hope it continues its projected path and comes into our range. Have Rei ready in Unit-00. We'll launch her as soon as that thing enters our operational perimeter."

The room erupted in activity again. Shiro's eyes passed over it all. He glanced up at Gendo and Fuyutsuki, high above in the command tower, watching with blank faces. They were both unruffled and composed as always, acting like this was nothing but another training exercise. Were they really that confident? Didn't they hold any fear or anxiety?

_Or do they already know how this will end?_

A dark thought crept into his head, not for the first time.

Gendo knew the Second Impact was going to occur.

It was human decision that shaped the world. Whatever God spawned mankind had been gutted and buried for a long time. There was no greater force, no guiding hand. There was nothing but emptiness. And within that emptiness, humans thrived. They crawled the earth with greedy hands and bloody teeth, looking for new and inventive ways to slaughter each other. And the decision to do so was not of some divine influence. The choice lay with the individual.

Meaning someone _chose_ to let the Second Impact occur. Someone _made_ it happen. And Gendo knew who and why.

For the moment the more pressing concern was trying to prevent a Third Impact this new Angel was bent on delivering them.

_And all we have to do is offer a few children up to stop it._

Like Shinji, Shiro thought. Like the other Children. He was nothing but a kid; a messy amalgamation of insecurities and fear. A child desperately longing to love and be loved by his father, all the while hating the man. He was all NERV had left.

He could die today, regardless of whether he decided to pilot or not. The odds were not in his favor. But he was the only remaining option. Despite Rei's extensive training, she always displayed a strange caution inside the Eva. And Unit-00 just wasn't equipped to handle one-on-one combat.

But with no experience, no training, no time to practice… by all superficial accounts Shinji would be all but assured to lose. Shiro's sole hope was that Yui wouldn't let her son die so soon. And if it was Shiro who sent him to his end, he would accept it. He had already made peace with how he manipulated and outright lied to the boy, of using his mother to destroy what little self-sufficiency he had.

_What's one life when weighed against the rest of humanity?_

Shinji's troubled face floated effortlessly into his mind. He held onto it, then let it gradually bleed away, replaced with another. A soft visage that was both sad and angry. Gentle features framed with lavender hair. Brown eyes that spoke of justified confusion and secret grief.

_Just one life._

Staying alive with the truth to keep it from being razed by the light that swallowed the Pole, selling his soul to sustain it, and then burdening others with it. It was all necessary.

Shinji had a right to know the truth, to know why he had to fight, and most likely someday die, in the Eva. Shiro felt he should be the one to tell him, since he was forcing him into the entry plug, no different than if he held a gun to the boy's head. He was sending him to his eventual slaughter, simply to postpone his own. But children were so easy to kill.

The bridge's bedlam continued unabated. The Angel had unfurled to a degree, standing like an old man, but still unyielding and inevitable. It was here to execute, in accordance to an order from a nameless all-powerful authority to satisfy some innate submission to what is beyond it. The core glowed a watery crimson.

_We really aren't that different,_ Shiro thought. _No, we're probably worse._

We kill our brethren, we kill each other, we kill children to stave off death, and all the while tell ourselves its required and justified. So deserving of life. This is who we are. This is what mankind is.

This is what I am.

* * *

Twenty-five and a half minutes were up.

The main screen unflinchingly displayed the Angel looming over the broken form of Unit-00, one of its arms severed, its single luminous eye cracked and bleeding. The orange mech was still trying to rise and continue the fight, and the command bridge could hear the soft muffled gasps of pain from the First Children.

"Damn it," Kaji hissed. Not the successful first sortie he was hoping for.

Asuka was still leaning against the wall below the command tower. She hadn't moved since the battle began. She snorted.

"If I was out there that gangly freak would already be dead," she muttered.

"Synch rate fluctuating," Maya reported. "She's exhausting herself too much. She's already critically injured. Anymore and she could go into cardiac arrest. Captain, this is dangerous."

"She'll have to retreat for now," Kaji said after a moment of thought. "But we have to at least slow down that Angel." His next pause opened the floor to information to help him formulate a new approach. Aoba reported first.

"The intercept system isn't operational yet. The JSSDF forces were mostly useless." He hesitated, and it was understood for what it was: the N2 mine was the only real option they had at the moment, despite the utter devastation it would wreak on the city. "Evacuation reports say 95 of the population has been accounted for. Sir?"

"Status on Unit-02?"

"Not ready," Naoko answered. "It's still in the AT-Field nullification zone. If we send it out now it'll be destroyed."

"Rei's status? Could she pilot Unit-01?"

"Negative," Maya said, a little sickened that the Captain would even consider something it. "She's hurt badly. She can't survive another sortie. Sir, she needs to get out of there now." Her commanding officer fell silent. "Sir?"

Kaji stared at the main display, and the Angel stalking towards Unit-00 again. The Eva was vainly reaching for a weapons transport, clawing its way towards a designated building. He almost swore out loud. Kaji wasn't a tactical genius. It wasn't something that came naturally. He could make intricate plans and scenarios, but those were done in the comfort of his office over several days. In the heat of the moment, a situation he had never truly faced until today, he began to feel his knowledge and training slip away.

Rei was too injured to reach a retrieval point and regroup. Asuka was useless without Unit-02. That brat Shinji was too busy feeling sorry for himself. The only marginally useful strategy remaining was to beg the JSSDF to drop another mine while they regrouped, the city be damned.

_5 is only 5._

"Sir?"

"What in the world…?" Maya scrunched her brow in confusion. "We have a life sign inside Unit-01's entry plug."

"What?" Kaji instantly replied.

"Someone's inside Unit-01." She thought Dr. Akagi was just being hopelessly optimistic when she drained the cage and ejected the plug, but somehow she knew Shinji would get in. How did she—

"Insert the plug," Naoko ordered after stealing a disturbed look at Shiro.

"Wh-what?"

"I said, insert the plug." She fixed Kaji with a stare.

"Do it," he said after a moment.

"Inserting plug," Maya whispered, hands swiftly clacking over the keyboard.

Shinji's face burst onto the display from the live cameras in Unit-01's cockpit. His eyes were puffy and red. His face was twisted into a fixed mask of fear and—

"_I'm ready,"_ he said over the comm. line.

Shiro arched an eyebrow. He didn't expect the boy to sound so furious. Maybe telling him he was killing his mother wasn't such a great idea after all.

That anger was worrisome. Then again, he _was_ Ikari Gendo's child. That man wasn't known for happy dances and belly laughs.

"He hasn't had any preparation…" Maya whispered.

"He's all we have," Kaji said. "Begin activation."

"Fill the plug!" Naoko ordered. "Move Unit-01 to the launch pad!"

Shinji panicked a bit as the LCL started crawling up his body and slipped past his mouth and nose. He gagged and coughed. The synchronization connections began, and he squinted against the flashes of light and color. The Eva hummed around him like a coat of electric armor.

"Synch rate?" Naoko commanded.

"… 40," Maya said in awe.

"What?"

"Without any training," Kaji muttered, peering over Ibuki's shoulder.

Asuka's left eye twitched.

"40," the Lieutenant confirmed. "And holding steady. It's even higher than Rei's scores in Unit-01. This is amazing."

Shiro stared dispassionately ahead. He watched the bridge crew express shock and wonder.

He skimmed over the synch graphs on his way to the main screen. He saw the Angel abruptly pause from pursuing Unit-00 and cock its beaked face.

Unit-01 was moved to the lifts as Dr. Akagi tried to briefly give Shinji an explanation of the Eva's operating systems and how to manipulate them. He looked like he was deciding whether to start crying or assault someone. He had a long enough list justifying either.

_And I put his mother at the top of it,_ Shiro thought.

Kaji should have known vague ideals about truth and justice and saving the world wouldn't work on children. Especially these children. Asuka piloted for herself, for a chance to show her greatness to the world and her mother. Rei fought because the Commander told her to, and to give her life a sliver of purpose. Both girls had nothing but the Eva.

He supposed Shinji might be no different now. Protecting humanity might be a comforting lie the adults of this organization told themselves, but to the pilots, the ones who would actually be out there fighting and dying, it was personal. They were struggling for a sense of self. Everyone he knew did the exact same thing.

"Unit-01 ready for launch," Hyuga said over his shoulder, eyes glued to the main monitor.

Shiro let his sight pass over the rest of the command crew. They all looked expectant and excited. Like this was what they needed to make real what they had devoted their adulthoods to. The chance to implement their training and learned skills into a single cohesive entity for the purpose of staving off another global cataclysm. Were all looming tragedies endurable only through human selfishness?

But selfish people always changed the world. NERV would be no different. To offer up children for their own continued survival and call themselves heroes for doing so.

The ever-present metal sleeping on his chest weighted until it dragged his eyes down to his feet. His heart beat over the cross. It would not stop.

_Protect him, Yui,_ Shiro thought. _Since I didn't protect her._

* * *

End of chapter 1

Author notes: meh. Another lukewarm one. Just wanted to see what Misato's pops would be like if he took the easy way out. Self-loathing guilt under a façade of overt geniality. The WTFness of the actual cast is explained under Kadmon's 2nd Law of Fanfiction: "This is fanfiction." If I wanted to stay completely in canon I'd be writing nothing but episode novelizations. Incidentally, the first law is "I am lazy."

But I am trying to get the dirt of a melodramatic ACC off. I hope chapter 2 will make him less Mary Sue-ish. Though I probably could just end everything here. Got the point across. Shiro killed one child to save himself, now he's doing it again. Dramatic irony, blah blah blah. But I really want to write this one little R/S scene I have in my head.

So, next time: Sachiel unsurprisingly gets hurt! Shinji unsurprisingly angsts! Shiro unsurprisingly angsts! Naoko surprisingly swears! Hopefully, a little more depth to Gendo! And I actually try to craft a chapter that isn't nauseatingly long and awkwardly concluded!

To get all that bad taste out of my mouth, here's…

OMAKE

"You have to pilot the Eva to save your mother," Shiro said, looking down at Shinji. "If you don't she will die forever. As opposed to now, when she's only dead for, um, not forever."

The boy struggled not to openly weep like a little girl. Which he had plenty of experience with. Pansy.

"You have to, or else—"

"Shin-chan!"

Shiro and Shinji looked up. Yui was hanging out of the opened plug of Unit-01, offering her son a bright smile and a friendly wave.

"Mother?"

"What the fuck?"

"Yes, I'm back," Yui said cheerfully. "That longwinded speech finally gave me the impetus to get off my three ton ass and do some actual parenting. So, come on, Shin-chan! Who wants to eat an Angel with mommy?"

"I do! I do!" He scampered up to his re-corporeated mother and after a warm hug climbed into the plug with her.

"That's my sweetie pie. Now, let's go!"

Unit-01 activated and skipped off to the lifts. Shiro shrugged.

"Huh. I guess my convoluted reasoning paid off. Super." He strolled out of the cage. "Man, I am so tired of angsting. I really need to get laid. Wonder if that Ibuki girl is seeing anyone."


	2. The Abyss of Communication

Adam Kadmon

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion.

* * *

It's finally come to this, Shiro reflected. The forcibly created children of Adam battling the true progeny. It was poetic in a sick way. Both sides after the exact same thing but the outcome, the one who controlled it, was where the conflict arose. And led to this.

"_I'm ready,"_ Shinji said over the comm. line from Unit-01.

_No, you're not._ The boy had no clue what awaited him. Not only combat and existence within NERV, but merely being inside that thing. Shiro couldn't even guess what true warfare within an Evangelion would be like, but he was sure the power the units possessed could not be contained by human hands. The sorcery they called science would hold Eva only so long. It did not hold Adam.

"Unit-01 ready for launch," Hyuga said over his shoulder.

Kaji stared up at the image of a child in a giant war machine, looking terrified and confused. Just like a kid on the first day of school, unprepared to learn how awful the world beyond his mother's womb truly was. Everyone had to learn sometime. Age was irrelevant. He gave the order to launch.

Shinji managed to merely wince as the lift rocketed him to the city surface. He stopped with a crash that jolted his insides, and tried to regain his bearings without spilling his breakfast onto his lap.

Unit-01 stood on the street braced by the elevator restraints, facing the Angel as it lumbered away from Rei towards this new curiosity. Shinji crushed his knees together to keep his bladder from emptying as it approached him, its two melted faces staring at him with empty eyes. He reflexively tried to take a step back and felt the lift press into his spine.

"Rei needs help," Kaji said to Shinji. "Engage the Angel so she can escape to a retrieval route."

"_Wh-what do I do?"_

"Remember what we told you before. Focus on walking," Naoko said. "Try to concentrate on just the _thought_ of walking. Try hard."

"_Okay…"_

Unit-01 lifted one spindly foot and took a shaky step forward as the bridge crew watched in quiet awe. Then the mech wobbled and fell sideways, catching itself from plummeting to the ground by grabbing onto a nearby building. Metal shod hands sank into the structure, plunging through a dozen floors like tissue paper. It stayed half-in half-out of the edifice, its legs moving in a sad mockery of an infant held by its arms.

The Angel began to walk forwards.

"_What am I supposed to do?"_ Shinji nearly sobbed. _"Help me!"_

"Use your thoughts, Shinji-kun," Naoko instructed. "Whatever you think, the Eva will do. You just have to concentrate. Don't think about the separation between you and the Eva. Try to pretend you're one and the same."

_Dangerous talk,_ Shiro thought. _But at his synch level, I guess it won't matter._ He gazed up at the monitor with a reluctance born of knowing truth. One and the same. One with his mother. If he dies, 

she dies. If she dies, he dies. Destructive cognation. _It's sick how intrinsically we're all connected, from birth to death. We're all one. And the only fate waiting for us is the one we've made for ourselves._

The Angel marched on. There was no time left. There was no other option. There was no escape.

* * *

Filiation

Chapter 2: The Abyss of Communication

* * *

Try to pretend you're one and the same.

_One and the same? How the hell am I supposed to do that?_

Shinji managed to rise into an awkward sitting position on the street just as the Angel reached him. It raised one stalk of an arm in front of his face and spread its clawed fingers wide. The palm glowed a brilliant iridescence for a moment then exploded out into an electric spear. Shinji cringed back, seeing some kind of terrible agony speeding towards him and it was enough to make the Eva duck away.

He grunted in pain as the lance shaved off a portion of his left cheek and sent him to the ground. His shoulder smashed into the street, which felt no different than pushing against a wall of plywood. The Angel loomed over him, drawing the light spear back into its arm before placing its palm neatly over his forehead.

Shinji instinctively held his hands over his face for protection and the Eva mirrored his actions. The Angel fired the energy spike again, simultaneously impaling both his palms and continuing on through his right eye socket. It felt like it tore directly into the back of his skull. He screamed.

Unit-01 went limp, its hands and head craning up, still skewered by the Angel's spike. Blood showered over the mech's face and neck, splattering onto the street below.

Shinji clutched at his eye to feel if it was still in his head but his hands refused to move. They lay broken in his lap, frozen into useless claws. It felt like his eye burst, and thick milky fluid was pouring out of the hole. His body spasmed in pain.

The injuries aren't real, he vaguely heard someone say over the comm. line.

Then why couldn't he see out of his right eye? Why couldn't he move his hands? Why was the top of his skull so anxious to crack open?

The Angel lifted him to his feet with its embedded spear, straining against Unit-01's eye socket. The spear drew back, nearly out of his head, then slammed back in. Out again, then in at a struggling pace as it tried to break his hands and eye apart. Idly, Shinji felt like the Angel was fucking his skull.

It's trying to kill me, he realized. It's trying to kill me and—

_Kill mother._

He tried to move, to make the thing he was inside obedient to his commands but it was limp around him like a wet raincoat made of lead. He kept trying, gritting his teeth, crushing his eyelids together, doing nothing but thinking about raising his useless hands to stop the assault. To save his mother's memory.

_I'm not my father. I won't let her die._

People were screaming over the comm. line, the Angel's weapon was splintering his head, his mind kept shouting do something, do something, do something, do—

_I'm going to die._

This was his last moment of life, and he wanted to spend it with a modicum of peace, to summon something that made him at least partially content. He made himself forget where he was and what he saw. Thoughts of his cello, his SDAT player, his bed, the sea, they all flitted across his mind but he couldn't stay on any of them. They were nothing but distractions, a momentary escape, a coward's refuge. He realized nothing he did or had done to himself ever made him happy.

He tried to remember his mother. He couldn't picture her at all. What she looked like, her hair or eye color, her voice, her smell, her… they were all nothing but a blank darkness of expectations and baseless wishes within him. He had no concept of her that wasn't his own selfish desires of what his mother should have been to him.

He felt another jolt as the Angel attacked him again, digging deeper into his soft insides, and the world rammed back inside him. The Angel, the Evangelion, the Eva—

_That's right._

It was the one true thing he had of his mother. The only thing. Her creation, her dream, her vision, her will, her life. This was the closest he'd ever get to her again.

He cracked open his uninjured eye. His vision let the Angel and the ruined city around them bleed away. He studied the Eva's plug, the odd little replica of Unit-01's face below his feet projected outwards, tiny flashing screens filled with tiny people and sounds, his legs floundering against the chair, the sleek handles at his sides vibrating with every attack…

_My mother made this. She made the Eva._

_My mother made me._

_My mother made both of us._

_My mother birthed two children._

The Angel came back into sharp focus before him.

_We'll kill you._

He forced his ruined hands apart, tearing them open as they ripped free of the spike. He told the mangled limbs to grip the Angel's spear and squeeze until it couldn't rape his head anymore, and they did. He pulled as hard as he could and dug it out of his skull. A great gasping vacuum exploded to life, eagerly sucking out everything he had inside him, pulling and extracting great hunks of meat and blood and thought. It wrenched every part of him through the hollow socket until nothing but the fury of this day remained. How it destroyed the image of his mother, reinforced the cruelty of his father, showed him things he'd never have, made him fight, made him do things he didn't want to do.

He didn't want to cry. He didn't want to chase his father's coattails. He didn't want to talk, or listen, or lust, or fear. He didn't want to be forced. He didn't want to be used. He didn't want to want.

He felt his hands burst open further as he held onto the lance. Muscle and bone and tissue rained over his thighs. He stood on legs that were not his own.

The Angel lowered its free hand and fired another spear, skewering his stomach. Shinji felt blood spill out of his mouth, or the Eva's, or the memory of—

_I'm a tool. _

To everyone around him. His father, Captain Kaji, Dr. Katsuragi; everyone only needed him to pilot. No one needed him for him. Not even—

_I'm a tool. But so is the Eva. And I'll use it any way I want because I can and it can't stop me. I'll pull everything out._

Shinji barely felt the other energy spike break his chest open. A brief nip at his lung and it too was swallowed by hate. He could taste it in his mouth, hot and intoxicating, as blood squirted between his teeth.

Then his jaw cracked and fell, and his teeth and throat throbbed, waiting to be employed and filled.

Then the Angel was beneath him, prone and quivering under his hands, the slick skin making it hard to grip, so he had to dig.

There was blood. Blue and thick all over his hands and caking under his nails. There was muscle. Purple and sweltering under his palms. There were strange unnamable organs and tissue cushioning his forearms as he pushed inside its body. Bone halted his advance so he broke them. They snapped and splintered, and sharp fragments cut into his skin.

The thing beneath his claws screamed, high and piercing, something not human but still in pain and his lips split apart.

The thing's ruined body turned to heavy liquid and shot up to flow over him like a blanket of dark. It was calm and inviting, a million cooled fingers gently stroking him everywhere at once.

Then there was light all around him, angry and scorching, and it felt like his skin was being burnt off his bones.

The light got brighter and brighter, and hotter and hotter, until the skin was gone and he couldn't feel anything at all, and it made the light fade and dim, and then peak into darkness, and then he was falling, and then he was still, and then there was peace.

* * *

The office was a cavern. It was dark and vast, voices echoing like faded drumbeats. The far end was lined with windows, but strangely did not allow light in. Symbols were projected on the floor and ceiling, intertwining lines and circles and words in dead languages all combining to give an impression of profound power and warning.

To Shiro the office was nothing but an attempt to intimidate anyone who was forced to enter. And the man, men, in front of him did little unless it added to their image of authority and pomposity.

"Explain yourself," Gendo ordered behind his hands, sitting at his desk. Fuyutsuki stood at attention behind him, his face a stoic mask of command.

"What should I explain?" Shiro asked, several yards before them, adjusting his cane without conscious thought.

"You committed a tremendous breach of security with your lecture in the cage. It is both dangerous and hazardous to NERV as a whole for you to reveal such sensitive information. Now explain yourself."

"Do you want the honest answer, or the one that validates this show of power?"

"I said to explain yourself, Doctor. I will not ask again."

He decided to go with the honest one.

"The cold and ruthless routine intimidates the grunts," Shiro said flatly, "but did you honestly think it would work on this child?"

Fuyutsuki's right eye twitched. He stepped forward to rebuke the man.

"Dr. Katsuragi," Gendo said, stopping the Sub-Commander. "You did not have the authority to divulge classified information of that degree to a mere boy. I had hoped you possessed a better rationalization than that."

"Shinji-kun piloted. He beat the Angel. That is NERV's purpose."

"You presume to lecture us now?" Fuyutsuki growled. "You forget your place, Doctor."

"Where do you want me then? What place did you want me in during the battle? In the command bridge, idly looking on as the city, Rei, and this base were disemboweled by the Angel? I couldn't trust Shinji-kun to change his mind and hop into the Evangelion on his own." Shiro sighed and let his irritation bleed away like a shallow cut. "The Captain failed his attempt at coercion. You didn't convince him to pilot either. I did what was necessary."

"Necessary and appropriate are two different things."

"Not in this case. It didn't seem like anyone had any other ideas. To me it looked like I was the last chance we had to get him to pilot. I just told him something that I knew would get him to do it." Shiro rubbed his eyes. "But beyond that, I've given him a real reason to stay here and fight; a motivation that will last as long as the Evangelion does."

The unspoken accusation was clear; the desire to be with his mother would be lifelong. The desire to be with his father may not be.

The two commanders did not reply, watching him with either patience to continue or concealed disgust with his reasoning. Shiro rubbed his eyes again.

_Or,_ he thought,_ maybe you should've had someone shoot Rei in the stomach, then tell Shinji-kun she'd be shot again if he didn't pilot. Still saving his mother, but in a marginally more acceptable manner to you._

The men behind the desk remained silent. Shiro realized this conversation was over, or they were at least tired of hearing how he justified his actions.

"If you'll excuse me," he said, "Dr. Akagi reported Unit-02 is rejecting the last stage internal battery components and she requested my help. If there isn't anything else you'd like to discuss I'll take my leave, Commanders."

"Dismissed," Gendo said.

Shiro turned and limped out of the room, his cane producing sharp stabbing clacks on the polished floor until he reached the exit and slipped through. The heavy double doors of the commander's office closed behind him with a hollow crash.

"He's a problem," Fuyutsuki stated regretfully as soon as they were alone. "He always has been. I don't know why you put up with his temper tantrums. Why are you letting him get away with this?"

"He still has a use at this stage. Until he doesn't I can swallow my pride. He was right."

"What?"

"He was right," Gendo repeated coolly. "He did what he thought was necessary. Shinji did not respond to the other temptations I put before him. Though I wouldn't have resorted to revealing such things to him, Katsuragi provided the logical solution."

"So what was this meeting about?" Fuyutsuki asked, still a little shocked.

"To remind him of the leash around his neck. To make him remember where his priorities should be. To NERV and the achievement of its goals, and more to the point, the people who direct it."

"I thought you'd be angrier about this."

"The luxury of anger is not afforded to me," the Commander stated. He paused, considering something. "And it did give a motivation to Shinji. One that will not waver. He loves his mother, despite never having known her."

Fuyutsuki shut his mouth. Not for the first time, he wondered what the man beside him was truly thinking. He knew his plans and aspirations but his methodology, the way he went about things, was often perplexing and seemed to be at odds with his overall goal.

Long ago he realized Gendo was a master tactician. Not of the battlefield, but of other people. He had an uncanny ability to read human beings, and then use what he read to further his own ends. It was no surprise the Committee placed such power in his hands. He was the perfect striking instrument. Sending children to their deaths, cloning dead gods, manipulating his only son and withstanding the bitter hostility of those under and above him was all taken in stride. The objective was important enough to forsake the limitation of man's disingenuous moral dogma.

"You really aren't angry," Fuyutsuki said, mostly to himself, "despite what Katsuragi did. Perhaps you should have told him you knew Shinji-kun would have piloted, no matter what anyone said to him."

"No." The Commander made a movement which might have been an aborted shrug. "Let him think he made a difference. He was always inept around children. The end result was the same."

"Though cruder than what you originally intended. But I suppose it is easier to ask for love from someone who cannot refuse. His mother can't say no to him after all."

"Shinji will stay," Gendo said, "regardless of what happens to him now. For the moment, that is all that matters."

* * *

Shinji woke up.

He was in a bed, soft and yielding beneath his body. Not like the entry plug. The air was stale and recycled but did not reek of blood. The LCL, the Angel's blood, his blood, it all smelled the same. He inhaled the sour aeration and savored it.

He looked around the room. It was white and empty. The only furnishings were the bed and a metal stand at its side. There was a large window on his right that spanned the entire wall, but it was shuttered. The only light was a dim fluorescent planted in the ceiling. His eye crawled to the right, 

where the door stood. He paused. His eye. Only one. He tried to summon some kind of panic, but nothing arose from the fetid pit where he pushed all his negative emotions.

He lifted his arms, tenting the sheet covering his body. He tried to grasp the thin cloth but his fingers would not move. He sat up with considerable difficulty and freed his upper body. His hands were bound tight with gauze and bandages, nothing but bloated white stumps distending from his wrists. He drew his left forearm up and used it to feel his face. The left eye was buried in soft dressings. He dropped his hands into his lap.

Shinji took a long breath. It still did not smell like blood.

He rose reluctantly and found himself less sore than he expected. The only real ache was in his hands. His eye was a numb void shoveling out half his face. He walked to the door and opened it by stabbing the control panel with his elbow. He was distantly surprised it wasn't locked. He expected the people of NERV would trap him in here like an animal.

i'll kill you.

He shook his head clear. Clearer.

The hall outside was unexpectedly cold and the boxy gown he was wearing did nothing to stop his nipples hardening and genitals contracting into his crotch. Goose pimples rippled over his body. He wanted to curse but no word he possessed could adequately encapsulate his feelings.

He wandered. The halls were empty. He didn't know if that was good or bad. Soon his legs grew drowsy, wavering as the memory of lifting several tons with them abruptly stabbed him. He shook his head again. Still not clear enough.

He scanned the door he found himself in front of for a distraction. A small paper card next to the door read Ayanami Rei. He thought it might be a girl. A moment of grasping at his memory and he realized it was one of the girls he saw yesterday. The girl with pale skin and strange blue hair, and he thought he remembered red eyes when she briefly looked at him.

His forehead fell on the door. He used his elbow to fumble at the operating switch and successfully struck it but the door did not slide into the wall. An electronic sign flashed crimson; the door was locked.

Shinji felt a sudden irrational spike of anger. This girl warranted protection when he was left to whoever decided to poke their nose into his room? He jammed his elbow into the panel again. It was still locked.

He let his feet carry him away. He considered going back to the room he woke up in but he already connected it with nightmares and injury. Drifting through an empty hospital was better than being kept as a wounded pet in a crate.

He stopped several times to collapse against a wall. He considered simply slipping to the floor and curling up to sleep or die or something. He was on the wall, sliding along, his elbow dragging on the frigid handrail, when he crested the next hallway.

He saw Dr. Akagi at the end of the passage standing close to Dr. Katsuragi. She was talking quickly and shaking her head. She bit her lower lip a few times. He was listening passively.

"—like that," she was saying. Her tone was low and Shinji could only make out bits and pieces. "… personality from… abandoned his… no amount of training… out of control and violent…"

Dr. Katsuragi just listened.

"His injuries were extensive too, even at a relatively low synch," Naoko said, her voice gaining volume to give credence to her argument. "If he keeps getting hurt and acting like that the Commander won't hesitate to pull him from the combat roster and then we'll be—"

Shiro cut her off with a single sliced hand gesture. She followed his line of sight and found Shinji at the end of the hall staring at them. His face collapsed into something approaching acceptance, and he turned and left.

"Fuck," Naoko said.

"Forget it." Shiro tried to issue a reassuring smile but found he didn't really want to. He started limping after Shinji. "We'll talk later, alright?" He left without waiting for a response.

"Fuck."

Shiro followed him to the only place his path would lead him to. The cafeteria in the hospital wing wasn't particularly conducive to meals, but anyone who chose to eat there wasn't focused on an enjoyable dining experience. He found the boy sitting alone at a long table, gazing down. Reflected sunlight spilled over him from a series of high windows on his left.

"Hello, Shinji-kun."

The boy looked up slowly. His bandaged hands lay in impotence on his lap. His undamaged eye was glassy. He turned back to the table.

"What do you want now?"

"I wanted to see how you were doing," Shiro said. "I—"

"Don't feel obligated to check up on me. You don't have to worry. I guess I'm staying. Not like I have anywhere else to go. Or do you want me to leave? So you really can say I killed my mother?"

_Well, I guess I deserved that._

"I didn't tell you that to upset you," the Doctor said. His voice was still calm and detached like last time. "But you needed to understand the truth. Not just to fight the Angel, but to make you realize who you are. You are Ikari Yui's child. You had a responsibility to learn about her. To carry on her wishes."

"What about my father?"

"He isn't the man to continue your mother's work. Not anymore. I don't think he ever was." He saw the child opening his mouth and cut him off. "I don't expect you to start running this place or conducting experiments. What I meant was you, and only you, are able to carry on the most important part of your mother's work. Preserving mankind. Preserving _her_."

"You're just saying the same stuff you told me before," Shinji muttered. "You don't have to keep convincing me. Once was enough. My memory isn't that bad."

i'll kill you

"So you remember the battle?" Shiro asked.

"What difference does it make?"

"Not much, I suppose. It might be better if you don't. Repressing painful memories is an ordinary coping mechanism nowadays. That doesn't make it right, but I can't say it's wrong, either."

"You talk a lot."

"I suppose I do," Shiro said after a moment. "Does that bother you?"

"… people who talk a lot never have anything to say."

"You don't think what we talked about before was—"

"_Shut up!_" Shinji roared. His palms burned. "Just shut up. I don't want to hear anything else. I don't care what you say. You're just like that Captain and my father. You just say stuff to me to get what you want."

"What do you want?"

"Do not ask me that like you care about the answer. Just say what you mean. Ask me if I'm going to stay. That's what you want to know, isn't it?"

Shiro did not say anything.

"I'll stay," Shinji said. "So go and tell my father, or the Captain, or anybody else who's too afraid to fight for themselves." He looked away, staring out the high windows. "Stop trying so hard to act nice to me. I don't need your pity. Just leave me alone."

He had nowhere left to go, Shiro realized. He'd rather stay and face abuse and terror and inevitable death than return to where he was. Just to escape the pain of the life he knew. How long would it take him to figure out he couldn't find any asylum at NERV? How long until he went back to running away from one harsh reality and into another?

_And when he finds the next?_

Shiro slowly turned and left the cafeteria without another word. He returned to the hall where he left Naoko. She was not there. Shiro leaned against the wall and allowed his eyes to droop shut. The white of the corridor was too bright and too clean.

The cross around his neck was heavy.

* * *

It was twilight. Even within the Geofront, with its system of long reflective mirrors, a hazy deep orange bathed NERV. It made this fortress feel it was drowning in LCL.

Shiro and Kaji were on a small balcony reserved for smokers outside the main cafeteria in Central Dogma, overlooking a littered vista of platform trucks and cranes removing the retracted buildings that fell from the ceiling of the Geofront during the Angel attack. The whine of heavy machinery and construction played on the slight breeze generated by a series of massive fans and atmospheric filtration units to circulate fresh air from the city above. It smelled like burnt rubber.

Shiro held a cigarette in his hand but did not bring it to his lips. He stood at the railing. The Captain leaned against the wall behind him.

"What will happen to Ikari Shinji now?"

"He rated a private apartment," Kaji said, taking a long draw from his smoke. "In the east residential district. Not even close to where Rei lives." He frowned slightly, then went on. "It'll be a trek when he starts school, but I guess the closer he is to the base the better. He's the only viable pilot we have right now."

"He shouldn't be alone," Shiro stated.

"Are you volunteering to take him in? I didn't think you liked kids."

"I am not volunteering. I was thinking you could. Give Asuka a roommate that's her own age."

"You're kidding, right?" Kaji grinned like he wanted to laugh. "After his synch numbers, and the battle, and all without any training… that girl _despises_ Shinji-kun. You should have heard her on the ride home after the fight." He grinned wider. "We could let him bunk with Rei."

"This isn't a joke, Captain."

"Just a suggestion. What's the problem, anyway? He didn't object to his new residence. I think he's already there settling in."

"He shouldn't be alone," Shiro said again.

"I guess you'd know," Kaji said after a moment. He took a short drag. "What did you say that made him pilot? Everybody's trying to figure it out. The kid won't talk, and I'd like to know."

"I told him his mother created the Evangelion."

"What?" the Captain balked. "The Commander can't be happy with you."

"Let him be unhappy. It won't matter. I gave Shinji-kun a motivation to fight, and to stay here. It isn't as fallible as his father's emotional manipulation, teasing him with what could be if he agrees to everything he asks, like it'll somehow generate some love in the man. And your dialogue on integrity and humanity won't work on a fourteen-year-old. Would it work on Asuka or Rei?"

"Asuka and Rei are different, and you know it," Kaji said. "He's a teenage boy. I just tried to remember what kind of nonsense appealed to me when I was that old. Besides, I didn't think launching into a discourse on all of NERV's dirty laundry was a safe idea." He made to suck out another mouthful of ash and found his smoke burnt down to the filter. He let it fall to his feet, then crushed it under his heel. "What makes you think Ikari will stand for this?"

"He will. He has no choice."

"Maybe as far as you're concerned. He needs you. If anyone else let something like that slip they wouldn't be around long enough to regret it. What I'm saying is, it's not a very bright idea to abuse your position like this. Not in the long run."

"What long run?"

"Don't get melodramatic with me. Everyone's use, mine, yours, even Ikari's—even the Children—our usefulness is limited by situation and functionality. More Evas are being built, more Children will be selected; our days of secure indispensability will end sooner or later. Don't be overeager to cash in your chips so soon."

"I know," Shiro said absently.

"Sometimes I wonder," Kaji said with a frown. He sighed. "The whole devil-may-care attitude we're giving everyone isn't exactly comforting to the people under us. I don't know if we're doing ourselves any favors either."

"Still so much left to do, hmm?"

"Look," he said, coming up next to him. "We're in this together. At least partially. And while I'm here all I can do is try and stave off another apocalypse." His voice dropped and lost all traces of emotion. "I'm sure you understand."

They fell silent. The sounds of construction drifted up to them, tangled in the stench of the Geofront fans. Kaji took out another cigarette.

"So," he said. "You told him his mom made the Eva. Was that all it took?"

Shiro figured it was only a matter of time before the Captain hacked the surveillance network and found the entire conversation for himself, despite Gendo's assured classification on the recording.

"I told him his mother didn't want the world to die. That she would do anything to save it. I told him the Eva was the only thing left of her in this world. And if he didn't pilot and follow his mother's wishes, he'd be killing her."

Kaji leaned on the rail and gazed out over the Geofront. It was red now, nearly purple. The day was failing. Even here, shielded from the world above, the world that moved and lived and died, it was slowly being swallowed by night. He nodded faintly.

"Killing his mom," Kaji said. "That'll get a kid to fight."

"It'll get a kid to do almost anything."

The light continued to fade.

"Well," the Captain said after a quick glance at his watch. "I'd better get home and see how Asuka's doing. She hasn't exactly been in a good mood since the battle. Or since I met her. It's just been painfully obvious recently. I might want Unit-02 finished more than she does." He stepped back from the balcony.

"Give her my best," Shiro said without watching him depart. He stood looking out over the Geofront, letting the metallic hum of construction lull him into a state of semi-sleep. He vaguely heard the door slide shut as Kaji left.

He long ago figured out why that man took Asuka in so quickly. Kaji, with all his practiced faces of affability and outgoingness was concerned first and foremost with his hunt for the truth. At least his truth. And Asuka became intertwined with it.

She was an Evangelion pilot. The top-ranked Children; the strongest, the most talented. And if Kaji held sway over her, he held sway over an Eva. But more importantly, if Asuka became dependent on him as a guardian and foundation of stability he could not be replaced easily, even if he performed his job poorly.

Shiro chastised himself. He shouldn't think so negatively about the Captain. Because using human shields was nothing new. Children could make the most effective ones.

"We're all children," Shiro said.

He glanced down at his watch. He flicked his unused smoke over the balcony.

* * *

He stood alone in the dark chamber, the only illumination a concealed ring of lights beneath his feet, casting him as the focus of consideration. Slowly, in a needless show of self-important intimidation, tall black monoliths fazed into existence, numbered one through twelve, all bearing the markings of sound only and SEELE.

"Were there any remains of the Angel?" Eleven asked, not wasting time on introductions or pleasantries.

"No," Shiro said, adopting his role of obedient lackey. "When it self-destructed it was obliterated on a molecular level. Nothing of use can be attained."

"Unfortunate. But not unanticipated. Though a serviceable Angel body would be helpful, it is not necessary at this time. What of the Evangelion units?"

"Units -01 and -00 sustained significant damage," he answered. "But now that we have an actual pilot for Unit-01 we are placing its repair as our top priority. Unit-00 was critically damaged, and though Unit-02 is close to completion, given the unpredictability of future attacks it is more prudent to focus on Unit-01."

"What progress have you achieved on the S2 project?"

"My latest battery can sustain an Evangelion in full activity for nearly eight and a half minutes without an umbilical cable," Shiro reported.

"Impressive," Three said, devoid of any real emotion. "Ikari does not know?"

"No."

"To give Ikari access to this success would be detrimental to us," Eight spoke. "The current five minute life he is acquainted with keeps him in under a tight leash. Only with a massive undertaking can he tread beyond Tokyo-3."

"We must keep it that way," Five said. "Tokyo-3 is his domain. Let him stay confined within its boundaries."

Eight and a half minutes. That wasn't a complete lie. Shiro had crafted a battery to last that long a year or two ago. He was currently developing an experimental twelve-minute power source. It would be externally bulky and extremely dangerous if penetrated in battle, but it was his best work yet. Even if he had access to a live Angel, he doubted he'd ever be able to truly replicate a fully functioning S2 core. Technology of God can only be perverted by men so far.

"Perhaps it was a mistake to allow Ikari access to all of our Evangelion units," Six spoke, the words clearly directed towards Katsuragi.

"I stand by my original argument," he said. "If you acquiesced to NERV Germany's demand to keep Unit-02 it would have been impossible for me to efficiently develop batteries for it at the same time as Units -00 and -01. That would also effectively impede the completion of the mass produced series."

The circle of monoliths remained silent, waiting for him to further explain his reasoning.

"The series is not our main concern at the moment," Shiro stated. "The units stationed in Tokyo-3 are vital to combat the Angels. If I neglect them NERV will surely fall. Dr. Akagi is intelligent, but her gift is bioengineering and artificial intelligence, not power system applications.

"She is vital to NERV as well, but at the moment I am needed to make the Evas run. And at the moment, I have more sway regarding units -00 through -02 than anyone else.

"Furthermore, Ikari may not trust me, but he defers to me. We both understand the other is needed for NERV to operate successfully. Something I'm sure all of you realize as well."

"Of course," Two said. "But overconfidence is an unacceptable indulgence. It breeds recklessness and careless mistakes." The words were a warning and an admonishment.

"I am well aware," Shiro replied. "I cannot speak for Ikari, but believe me; I take no conceited satisfaction from my work. I merely do what I must do."

"Very well," One finally spoke. "We have deliberations that do not concern you. Your presence was appreciated."

One phased out of sight. The others followed behind it in sequence until nothing but the circle of light beneath his feet accompanied Shiro. He shut his eyes, and that left too.

* * *

End of chapter 2

Author notes: I cannot write Kaji. But he never met Misato in this, so I have a semi-credible catchall excuse for his shenanigans. Sweet.

Meh. This was mostly an "aftermath" chapter. Boring. The first draft went through the Shamshel battle, but it was a grotesque 35 pages. This awkward ending was the only place I could cut it and be reasonably satisfied. Eh, fuck it.

Next time should be more entertaining: Rei is creepy and unfriendly! Shinji takes out the trash! Toji cries! Shamshel dies! A sex scene! Plus a nice, waffy Rei/Shinji moment. Aw.

OMAKE

Heaven isn't exactly like several popular religions make it out to be. It's less a paradise for the devout and more a suburban split-level for the lucky, with most souls paying rent out the spiritual ass.

So heaven, which resides in the Black Moon, or inside the earth, or out in space, or whatever, is sort of a big Love Hina-esque hot spring, but without the inexplicable lust for a loser by narrowly defined females, each of who fulfill one of the creator's wet dreams.

And in its kitchen, a small intimate affair with a refrigerator to hold Sandalphon's crayon drawings of lava all drawn with only orange, and a modest ironing board to press Arael's various physical forms, one of the more popular Angels sat at the table holding her head in her claws in a picture of dejection.

"Sachi-chan," Lilith said gently as she waddled into the room and approached her hubby's daughter. She lined up three chairs and sat down; birthing all of humanity really killed her figure. "Why the long beak, dear?"

"I hate this series so much," Sachiel pouted. She crossed her spindly arms over her core. "Why is it that I'm always brutally murdered by some crazy chick trapped inside a giant artificial biomechanical god? Or like this time, some mentally unbalanced effeminate teenager with father issues. I mean, he totally went ape-shit on me."

"Watch your beak or I'll send you to your room without supper. Which would be odd considering we all have S2 organs thereby negating the need to replenish our energy through consumption of foodstuffs."

"Sorry," the Angel told her stepmom. "I didn't mean to swear. It just makes me so mad!"

"I know," Lilith said. "Believe me, I know. My soul's always confined in a disturbed little pale girl with no discernable personality or emotions, yet she still manages to attract the pedophilic lust of grown men all over the planet. It makes me feel so incredibly dirty. I'm not terribly fond of this series either."

"I wish dad was here," Sachiel said.

"So do I. But he was turned into a shrimp and grafted onto the palm of a severely depressed man who's planning to destroy the entire world because he let his wife kill herself. What a moron. He needs to get over it, act his age, and tend to his kid. Maybe then he wouldn't have torn you apart."

"Yeah," the young Angel sighed. "I just feel sorry for Leliel. And Bardiel. And Zeruel. Poor, poor Zeruel."

"Well, she always was the overconfident one."

Just then Shamshel burst into the kitchen, her energy whips lashing about in frenzied excitement.

"Wish me luck," the blatantly cock-shaped Angel said. "I'm off to Tokyo-3 to fight that deranged daughter of yours, mom. And the skinny brat who's always inside her. Don't worry; I'm sure to win _this_ time!"

"Um, how come?" Sachiel asked, using a glowing ulna to scratch her head. Or that flap of skin above her skull-face thing.

"Because I have a really good feeling. They don't stand a chance!" She pitched her body up and cackled maniacally. "Eat your way out of this one, Yui!"

Shamshel floated away in a rush of brave stupidity. Lilith and Sachiel stared after her, each cringing. Sachiel coughed nervously.

"I guess overconfidence runs in the family, huh, mom? Just like cousin Tabris."

"… let's not talk about him, dear. Please."


	3. Requisite Obligations

Adam Kadmon

Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion

* * *

_-Are you the pilot? Y/N-_

Shinji stared dumbly at the message on his laptop screen. His injured eye was free of bandages now but it still felt strange. Like there was a pin gently poking behind the pupil. His coordination suffered because of it. He slowly brought his sore hands up to reply, and though they too were bare every time he made a fist the faint sensation of having a spear rammed through them returned to him. He habitually checked to make sure they weren't bleeding. He rested them on the keyboard.

He wanted to curse. He didn't think anyone would suspect him, not yet. It was his first day of school. He just sat down. He figured that even though he was a new student and he was obviously injured, the other kids would write him off as nothing but some unfortunate idiot who visited the city during the attack.

_-Are you the pilot of that robot?-_

He glanced around the classroom. It did not fit his idea of what a school should look like in such an advanced city. It was small and plain, the desks old wood and stained metal, the floors dusty tile. There was a chalkboard. The most advanced feature was the outdated laptop in front of each student. It would disappoint him if Shinji bothered to care.

_-Will you answer, please?-_

His eyes trailed over Rei and Asuka on opposite sides of the room, then the rest of the students, but he could not find who sent him this message.

The whole situation only reminded him again how much school sucked. A part of him was pleased to be so grievously injured during the Angel battle. He was able to spend a week in the hospital and at home recuperating without anyone throwing orders at him. He didn't want to start a new school. It was different. It was unknown. But the adults all insisted he had to go, like it was going to make a difference.

_-ARE YOU THE PILOT?-_

-No.-

He instantly heard a sigh of disappointment behind him, near the back row. Shinji rolled his eyes. They already had Asuka and Rei to bother; couldn't they leave him alone? Those girls were sure to be more amenable sources of information. Asuka seemed conditioned to talk whenever she could and Rei was dressed in several bandages, still not completely recovered from the battle. They were the obvious sources of information. He looked no different than anyone else.

A few days ago before he entered school, while his bandages were being removed by Dr. Akagi, Kaji stopped by her lab to check on him. He wore the friendly grin he always had and Shinji suddenly found it to appear incredibly fake. He couldn't keep his eyes on it.

The Captain asked how he felt about starting a new school. Shinji said it didn't matter. The Captain pressed. Shinji said it didn't matter. Kaji told him not to worry. If he stuck close to Asuka and Rei everything would be fine. He said the class knew about their status as pilots mostly, actually totally, through Asuka's continual vocalization of her importance in the world. She didn't tolerate any kind of dispute regarding it.

And believe me, Kaji said, that girl knows how to deal with dispute.

_No._

Shinji stared at the word he typed and sent. Even if people would inevitably find out, most likely by way of that Asuka girl, he didn't want to deal with it right now. He didn't want to deal with anything more than what he already was.

The battle was clearly hazy in his memory. He remembered fear and pain and blood. Beyond that there were no specifics. Perhaps he simply didn't want to remember. For a time after he woke up in the hospital he let himself believe it was a one-time event and he wouldn't have to fight again. That hope was cheerfully crushed when Captain Kaji ordered an intensive training regiment involving weapons exercises and "synch" tests. It was nothing new. Just different people telling him what to do.

He wished he left after his father spoke to him. Or hadn't come to the city at all. He couldn't quite remember why he stayed. Everything about the day that giant attacked was spotty. Like seeing a movie that skipped entire scenes at random. The people he met, the things he did, his feelings were all muddied and jumbled together. Most of his life had been like that. He usually didn't mind; it made living in absolute isolation bearable. But some things he wouldn't be against remembering.

Everything Dr. Katsuragi told him was blurred. Like a dirty smear on a rainy window. The particulars of his lecture were just flesh around the heart of what he wanted to communicate, and Shinji had to admit he did communicate it rather well.

_If I fail, if I'm killed… I'll kill mother, too._

All he needed to do to prevent that was kill a few giants. And live by himself. And coexist with idiots and weirdoes. Nothing had changed.

A tall boy in a track uniform burst into the class as the school day was ending and hastily scanned the departing class. His eyes locked onto Rei's and Asuka's seats, but both girls were gone already. Asuka was moody the entire day, and as she exited the classroom while dragging a brown-haired girl with her, she cast a truly furious glare at Shinji. Rei must have disappeared sometime during that, or after, or before. It was hard to recall anything about her movements.

Another boy with glasses near the back of the class stood and called out to the tracksuit student, but he wasn't answered. The jock left as quickly as he entered. Shinji decided he didn't give a damn.

He rose from his desk with a groan and began fumbling with his books and backpack. Stupid hands.

A large boy with an ape's mouth stepped in front of him. He was flanked by two others with faces he didn't bother registering, effectively trapping him. Shinji looked up wearing a carefully neutral expression. The large boy grinned.

"Well, newbie," he said, and it sounded like some disgusting slur, "since you _are_ new and all, I think you need to make a show of good faith for us. We here in class 2-A are a tight bunch. We watch out for each other. And the quickest way to show everyone you're a good guy is to do our chores for us. Unless you don't want to part of the family."

While it was the most any of his peers had spoken to him in years, Shinji still wished the boy's tongue would be torn out of his mouth by a plastic fork. His transparent intonation clearly indicated this situation would end in one of two ways. One, Shinji would do their chores. Two, Shinji would get beaten up, and then do their chores.

He realized if he was hurt anymore his father might question his ability to pilot again. Not feeling like adding more bandages to his collection, he agreed. The boys clapped him on the shoulder and shoved a few bags of garbage against his chest.

"The incinerators are behind the gym. Have fun."

They left and Shinji was alone. He flung his book bag over his shoulder and hauled the trash out of the room, trying to remember where the gym was from the brief tour that upperclassman gave him earlier. He reasoned it had to be on a hill or the smell of filth would pour into the school. He walked up until he found a lonely plateau of dirty black earth, dominated by a rusted furnace. It looked like an execution site.

The trash was heavy. This city, this school, NERV, everyone, everything in them was heavy.

Was that why the Angel attacked? Was that why it tried to burn everything? To sweep the world clean of human trash? To clear all the crumpled soiled used refuse that hid in flimsy shields that could not withstand any kind of assault, that could not survive being thrown into an impenetrable mouth of fire to twist and burn and die.

Shinji watched the garbage curl and get greedily eaten by flame as black smoke belched up into the sky.

* * *

Filiation

Chapter 3: Requisite Obligations

* * *

"Ayanami!"

Rei stopped and languidly turned her head. There was a boy trampling the barren earth behind her, fast approaching her position.

She was alone outside the school between the main building and the gym with no one else in shouting distance. She wandered the grounds for a time after class ended, the thought of her apartment's filthy walls more confining than usual. To see the sky, to be under it without a barrier above her head or a window to get in the way was a sensation of freedom. It was not perfect; there were buildings here, and the putrid stench of human industry sullied true enjoyment, but it preferable to the dripping grey of her ceiling.

Now there was a loud boy she vaguely recognized from class. She did not know his name since she never cared to. Everything he said was an act, a performance for those around him, just like all the others.

Rei kept her back to him, only her head turned the bare minimum required to allow one eye to look at him.

"I was waiting for you and Soryu at the front gates," the boy growled. "That bitch was with Horaki. I couldn't get to her today. But you. You don't have friends, do you? You can't hide behind anyone."

"Who are you?" Rei asked, unconcerned and bored.

"I'm Suzahara Toji," he snapped. "Doesn't that name mean anything to you?"

"Should it?"

"Yeah, it should."

"It does not." She turned and began walking again.

"My sister got injured in the fight," he said, frantically trying not to shout. "When that orange robot started getting the shit beat out of it. That was you, wasn't it? Or was it Soryu?"

"It was me," Rei said, still walking.

She heard feet stamping the ground behind her. Toji ran in front of her, blocking any attempt to escape his grievances.

"Bitch," he hissed in a wavering voice. "It's your fault my sister was hurt."

"Were you not in a shelter?"

"We tried!" he exploded. He forced himself to stay composed. "The one me and my sister and granddad got to was locked and we couldn't get in. We had to run to the next one, two miles across the city. But granddad was slowing us down…" He panted through his nose. "Then you decided to act like a fucking moron and get your ass kicked. We were trapped under a collapsed building _you_ knocked down. I— my sister barely survived."

Rei stared at him.

"And?"

"She lost her fucking _leg!_" Toji roared. "It was crushed to pulp and had to be amputated because we couldn't get to the hospital! Who the hell's going to take responsibility for that!?"

"Contact NERV and speak to someone who can do something. Yelling at me is a waste of both our time." Rei gave a cursory glanced at the boy. "If I hadn't fought the entire city may have been destroyed. Thousands may have perished."

"You little bitch," Toji spat. "It's still your fault."

"Your sister isn't dead is she?" She sidestepped him and calmly strode away. She only heard the thump of running footsteps a moment before she felt a sickly hot palm on her shoulder as Toji spun her around.

"I said it was your fault," he snarled, "and you don't even have the fucking decency to apologize? I always knew you were some stuck-up little robot but I thought you at least had an understanding of what it means to be human."

He pushed her back into the gym wall as hard as he could. Her spine and skull made a small cracking sound and she watched her vision swim. She opened her mouth to speak and found she could not when the boy mashed his forearm over her throat.

Toji honestly didn't know how the confrontation progressed this far. He wasn't planning on assaulting her. But the rational side of his mind was covered in a shroud of prickly red.

He wished she was a boy so it would be okay to hit her. He was sorely tempted to anyway, despite the bandages she was wearing. To him, violence was punching and kicking. Things like threats and pushing an arm against someone's neck didn't apply to his definition. This was acceptable. But beyond his chokehold and intimidation he wasn't sure what else to do. His arm tightened.

Shinji strolled through the school's east exit between the gym and art classrooms, finished taking the trash from homeroom to the furnace. It wasn't a glamorous job but it was favorable to getting beaten up and then doing it. He didn't feel like being maimed today.

It did give him a brief reprieve from having to return home. Though home was too kind a word. It was more like a box where he slept. Being outside in the air, even in school smothered by nameless idiots was preferable to the isolation that faced him at the end of the day, if only barely. Even in a crowd of hundreds he was alone, but it was easier to deceive himself in a mob. And he needed some deceiving.

Ever since the battle, every time he was alone all he could think about was his eye bursting open to fill his lap with warm milk and his palms tearing themselves apart. And since NERV hadn't discharged him yet, the promise of more battles was all but assured.

He turned the corner of the gym as he headed to the front gates and stopped. It took him a moment to realize the tall boy in the tracksuit he saw earlier was strangling Rei with his arm.

Despite the fact the girl had dismissed him with hardly a word, despite the fact she was a reminder of NERV and all the pain he now associated with it, Shinji felt a slow, familiar anger slither behind his skin.

It wasn't because she was a girl getting hurt by a boy. It was because she fought, nearly got killed for her effort, and he hadn't heard a single person give her any kind of thanks. The staff at NERV acted like it was expected of her. Even the students in class were only concerned about the how and why; how it was going to affect them, why this was happening to them. Them, them, them.

Just like him. No one said thank you, or you did a good job, or anything to try and make him feel remotely better about what he had to go through.

Shinji found himself behind the boy. He met Rei's dim, half-lidded eyes, but she didn't look upset or frightened.

Shinji wasn't aware he drove his heel into the fleshy back of the boy's kneecap until he screamed in pain. He crumpled to the dusty earth and abandoned his hold on Rei. She gasped and tenderly held her neck, and took a few quick steps away.

The boy on the ground yelled something, maybe a curse, maybe another scream, and Shinji wanted him to be quiet. So he was upset about the attack or something. Everyone was angry and confused. He wasn't special.

The boy screamed again. Shinji looked down at him. He shook his head clear. Clearer. His foot was kicking him in the face. His sneaker's toe was turning red. Then his heel was on the boy's teeth. The mouth under his foot sputtered and coughed up more red.

Red, red, red. He saw so much red. At the cloudy edges of his vision he could see his ruined hands belching blood onto his lap. Then his eye exploded and emptied its contents like a faucet.

It wasn't a boy under his heel. It wasn't a boy's blood on his foot. He could feel slick rubbery skin beneath his fingers, nails digging into flesh that gave him blue blood and a shriek and fire.

You will not kill mother. I won't let you. So die. Die die die d_ie_ _die d_

"Pilot Ikari," a voice spoke.

Shinji's vision cleared with a snap. The boy was on the ground curled into a tight ball. He was shaking and crying. Shinji stumbled backwards.

His head tore away. He saw Rei observing the situation with a deadening interest.

Shinji bent over and covered his mouth. His stomach was climbing up his throat. He gritted his teeth and forced it back down. He looked up at Rei again, his eyes wide and staggered. She stared dully at him.

He was running before he felt the ground under his feet. Away from there, to anywhere else. Even back to NERV. He did not look back to see if he was being followed.

Rei stayed by the wall. Her eyes did not leave Shinji until he turned a corner and was lost to her. She glanced back at Suzahara. He was still in a ball, making sputtering noises.

She closed her eyes and recalled with perfect clarity the way Ikari hurt the boy. How he made him scream, and cry, and bleed. And the look of empty fury that was in his eyes.

She let her sight return. Toji was crawling away, his rage swallowed whole by pain and humiliation. He would undoubtedly accost her again but Rei did not care. If he beat her, raped her, killed her. It did not matter. As the Commander liked to remind her, she was replaceable. She accepted it.

Now she found she did not want to die yet. Because she finally found someone she believed she could relate to. It wasn't anything as melodramatic as gratefulness for being saved.

At first the Commander's son was an irritation. He was within NERV simply to take Unit-01 away from her. Her possessiveness regarding it wasn't anything as foolish as pride or a feeling of attachment stemming from the idea it made her special or unique. She wasn't Soryu. It was because when Rei was inside it, bathing in orange blood, when she released her mind and let her physical form fade away, she could feel it. An endless well of fury and hate that left her speechless.

It wasn't the anger the Second exhibited. Or the frustration the NERV staff was home to. It was absolute hatred, unfiltered, uncontaminated, untainted by any other emotion. There was no guilt or fear or sympathy or conceit to temper it. It was the purest sensation she had ever felt in her entire life.

It was like looking into a mirror. One that did not show you your physical appearance, but what resided inside your heart. Rei tried so hard to not let anything else impede her hate. Of the Commander. Of the Second. Of Akagi. Of NERV. Of humanity. But she was only human.

Things like obedience and duty and loneliness got in the way. Compassion was thankfully absent. Her classmates could be blown up in the next attack or her colleagues in NERV crushed under the sick construct they defiled the Geofront with and she wouldn't care. If it lessened her distractions it was perfectly acceptable. There was no one worth forming any kind of bond or connection with because no one else on earth could ever fathom what she buried in her heart.

But now the Ikari boy displayed a pure hate too, outside the creeping sway of the Evangelion. It was in the open with nothing but choice to influence his actions. He displayed more than anything she ever dared to commit. He was not restrained by the ingrained morality and ethics of interpersonal relations forced into humans from birth, or the chain of required submission that bound her own actions. He would have killed that boy.

Rei hated herself for interrupting him but she had to know if he truly had it in him, or if it was just some fluke. He looked afraid and ashamed when he realized what he was doing, horrified with what he nearly did, but in the moment when he broke apart that little boy's front teeth with his foot he gave her the exact same feeling she received from the beast.

The Commander tried to keep her away from his precious Unit-01. He did not like her attachment, the dull glint in her eyes only he could see. It was almost amusing. He was such a scared little thing.

He thought his son would be a better candidate. Rei thought it ridiculous. That boy did not know hate. He did not know the flawless abhorrence that sat in her heart and within the beast. When she first saw him she thought it would be best for everyone if he simply died.

But she was wrong. He gave her the same dead warmth Unit-01 did. He was a mirror too, but of flesh and blood, not artifice and armor. He was her, reflected in the dirty grey pool of excrement that was humanity.

Her phone rang. At this time of day it only meant one thing. A new Angel. She brought it to her ear and her assumption was confirmed. A Section car was waiting for her outside the front gate, as well as the agents she purposefully eluded as she drifted through the school grounds.

Rei walked without haste. The next Angel was here but she, like Soryu, would be relegated to nothing but a bystander like most of NERV. Unit-00's wounds had taken second priority behind Unit-01 and were yet to be mended. And contrary to her continued vocalizations, Soryu was utterly useless without Unit-02. It fell yet again on Ikari to fight alone, and possibly die alone.

She did not want him to die. She did not want to die. She wanted to see how that perfect hate would act in the real world without restraints or cages, without the subterfuge and obedience that held her own feelings in check. More importantly, most importantly, she wanted to witness what the Ikari boy would do when he met the beast. She couldn't help but feel it would be something

"Wonderful."

Rei's lips curled back from her teeth. A low whispering hiss broke from her injured throat. The hiss pitched up, then went still. It continued. It gained in intensity and quickness.

Alone in the empty alley between the school and the gym, Rei laughed.

* * *

The Angel floated into Tokyo-3 without wings or legs, its long flat body neither vibrating nor shuddering from any kind of propulsion system. It was, Kaji decided as he watched it from the main monitor in the command bridge, rather disturbing.

It did not attack the city like the first Angel. It appeared harmless, if giant building-sized monstrosities shaped like phalluses could be considered harmless. It simply slipped along the streets, heading from the outskirts of the city towards its center.

Unit-01 was free of its cage and restraints, getting transferred to the lifts. The staff saw the horrified face Shinji wore when Section-2 brought him to NERV, and as he entered the Eva, but they credited it to fear regarding another battle. No one bothered to ask why he was in his socks cradling his shoes to his chest.

"How's his synch rate?" Kaji asked Shiro softly, under the buzz of the rest of the bridge.

"Not good," the doctor whispered back.

"Didn't you tell him he was piloting to save his mother? Shouldn't that give him some motivation to do well?"

"If you're looking for a proper explanation, talk to Akagi. He barely broke forty-nine last week, even with all the tests and training. Not the progress you'd expect from someone who scored so highly his first time out. Perhaps we should put him through some of the conditioning Asuka and Rei had."

"I'd need Akagi's recommendation, but I'll look into it. I know he just started, but I expected more from him. He had a forty-three percent synch his first time around!" Kaji shook his head, then brought his voice back up to address the entire bridge. "There's no hope of giving the Third a little help, is there?"

"Right now it can't be helped," Shiro said, dutifully falling into step behind the Captain. "Unit-01 is the only combat-ready Eva we have at the moment. Unit-00 is completely grounded, and Unit-02 is still in its final utilization stages. Even if Shinji-kun sustained significant injuries during the last sortie we have no choice but to use him again."

"We can't make use of any intercept defenses, either," Hyuga reported. "Too many were damaged in the last attack, and with repairs to the Evas taking top priority we haven't been able to restore them all. It's like the Angel knows it. It's traveling along streets that don't have any of our weapons systems."

"The JSSDF already handed over command of this situation to NERV and has demanded the deployment of the Evangelion," Aoba said.

"Of course they did," Kaji muttered. "Give me a visual on Unit-01."

The main screen blinked to life, cutting away from the Angel and focusing on the Eva as it rose to the surface of the city behind a tall building several blocks away. Although the mech's hands and eye were restored the memory of why they needed to be repaired knifed its way into Shinji's head.

He grabbed a rifle from a designated weapons cache building and nearly dropped it. He fumbled for a few seconds, then hugged it close to his body, worming his right hand onto the trigger.

"What is he doing?" Kaji muttered.

"Don't think about your injuries, Shinji-kun," Naoko ordered over the comm., seeing his hesitation. "We restored the Eva. You only felt what happened to it. Your body won't be damaged. So don't worry about that. Focus only on the Eva now. Make it your own."

This woman has no discretion, Shiro mentally groaned. This kind of talk was incredibly dangerous. She had to know that. Why didn't Gendo do something useful and discipline her a little?

"Shinji-kun," Kaji said, adopting his professional voice, deep but understated. "The Angel's right behind you. You should see it on your radar. Hit it with a quick volley then move to another location, got it?"

Shinji didn't bother responding. He swung out from the building and immediately fired, the first six rounds missing completely. The Angel vanished beneath a heavy fog of grey haze.

"Move!" Kaji yelled at him.

Two bright red whips flashed out from the cloud. Shinji reflexively threw his rifle up for protection and it was cleaved in three. The lashes slipped down as the Angel emerged from its cover, then flew up, forcing Unit-01 backwards through several buildings before landing on its back.

"Move!!"

Energy whips wrapped around the Eva's ankles, then lifted and flung it out of the city. Shinji yelped once and was silent. Unit-01 swam through the air then stopped with a sickening jolt as the cable tore out of its back, sending the Eva plummeting down head over heels.

"Umbilical cable has been disconnected," Maya reported. "Five minutes activation remaining."

Unit-01 landed on its face in the side of a mountain, and stayed motionless for nearly a full minute. The Angel leisurely closed in.

"Shinji-kun, move! Fall back!"

The thing loomed over Unit-01, its energy lashes snaking through the air. The bands shot forward like swords and the Eva rolled to bring its left arm up as a shield. The limb stopped the attack, the whips penetrating the forearm completely, leaving the Angel immobile. Over the tactical network Shinji gave a single strange, muffled cry.

Unit-01 got to its feet. The Angel tried to retract its whips and Shinji twisted his arm, wrapping the lashes around his wrist to grab hold of them. He screamed as his fingers began to melt.

He ejected the Prog Knife from his shoulder and held it behind him with his free hand. With a single surprisingly fluid motion he stabbed forward and drove it into the Angel's exposed core and rammed it up. A sharp drilling shriek screeched over the comm. line. Maya cringed.

Unit-01 dug and thrust the blade into the core as the two-minute activation time warning chirped. The drilling shriek pitched higher. The Eva's left hand was nothing but a smoking lump. It looked like the energy whips had fused with it.

Shinji wrenched the blade up and side to side, like mining an ice block with a dull pick. The core splintered and slabs of it fell to the ground. The one-minute warning sounded and turned the plug red.

Another thrust of the blade caught a hanging wedge of the core and tore it out. His next drive struck the dead center of glowing hub and the Angel shuddered and dove toward him, trapping the knife between their bodies. Shinji kept pushing. The shriek turned to a final whine. In twenty-one seconds the Angel was dead. It slumped fully on the Eva.

The command bridge let out an extended sigh of relief. Hyuga clapped Aoba on the back, who looked annoyed from the act. Kaji nodded. Even Naoko appeared pleased.

At her post beneath the command tower Asuka issued a dismissive snort and strode out of the room. Rei, standing beside her, stayed in place. She stared up at the main monitor with a slightly dazed expression.

Shiro shook his head at all of it.

He listened to Shinji pant and choke over the comm., slowly lowering both of his hands. The knife slipped from the Eva's to the ground. The left hand was still forced to hold the now dead whips. Nearly the entire hand and wrist was free of its armor, revealing skin turned black ash. Curls of smoke twisted up into the sky. Shinji was still breathing hard. It took Kaji another moment to remember to order a retrieval squad.

Shiro watched the small monitor inset screen displaying the interior of the plug. Shinji was tenderly holding his left hand, frozen into a grotesque hook. His head was bowed, obscuring his eyes. He mouthed one word over and over.

Mother, mother, mother.

The activation time died and the image blinked out of existence.

* * *

"Hey, Maya-chan!"

She looked over her shoulder and frowned as Kaji strolled down the hall towards her as she made her way from Dr. Akagi's lab. The battle was done, it was late, she was tired, and wanted to grab a quick bite of stale garbage from the vending machines before returning to the lab to finish the reports her mentor told her to finish before she left without any clear explanation.

"Captain Kaji," she said stiffly.

_I know _that_ tone,_ he thought dismally.

"What's got your adorable panties in a twist?"

"You can't figure it out?" Maya said, walking away.

"Alright, alright. I'm sorry I hit on Mayuki from finances. I wasn't serious. I thought you forgave me already."

"That isn't it!" She huffed, gathering the necessary outrage she felt needed to be expressed. "You! All of you! Even Dr. Akagi. You all only think about the mission. It's like you don't care at all what happens to Ikari-kun and Rei. They both nearly died!"

Kaji gave her a vaguely blank expression, the one that was supposed to communicate sorrow or regret. He looked like he was waiting a train running behind schedule.

"Maya—"

"I don't… I don't want to hear what a Captain would say. You can't tell me this is fair. It isn't. They're fourteen. They're just kids. Ikari-kun, Rei, and Asuka when Unit-02 is completed, they just… they almost _died!_"

"Maya, they're the only ones who can pilot the Evas. Without them we'd _all_ be dead. I am truly sorry they have to go through this. If I could switch places with them I would do it in a heartbeat. But I can't. All I can do is try and help them win with a minimum of damage. We are doing this for the human race, remember?"

"I do not need you to remind me of what my duty is, Captain."

"You're right. Sorry." Kaji pursed his lips. "Asuka and Rei have been trained for combat. It sounds sick, but they've been preparing for this. And I don't think Shinji-kun's doing this for any praise. The Children are piloting because they have to. Just like we're doing what we have to."

"But Ikari-kun _wasn't_ trained. He was just thrown out there. And I heard you yelling at him after the battle. It's not like he could have retreated with the Angel impaling his arm. We can't treat him like a soldier." She hugged herself. "It would be like me going to the frontlines or something. Or you being forced to take over the science department."

"A scary thought. But the fact is he chose to do this. He could have quit. He might not want to fight but he's made his decision."

"I know, I just… I don't know. I wish I could do something for him, you know? Something to make him feel a little better."

"Well," Kaji said, knowing he was in control again, "I'm sure having a pretty girlfriend would help him, but I really don't want to share you." He leaned down to steal a quick kiss.

Maya, like every time, couldn't help the twinge of pink in her cheeks.

"Kaji-san," she whined playfully, announcing he won the debate, "what if someone sees us? We can't do stuff like that at work."

"I can't help it. When you're around I can't keep a clear head." His inflection on the word 'head' made her blush hard. He grinned.

Kaji let his hand trail down around her hip to the small of her back, the space that always made her melt, without any real thought. Like a reflex. It was the quickest way to get the girl to shut up.

He considered asking what Akagi had her doing here alone so late but decided against it. Best to play the loving boyfriend and wheedle information out of her later.

If life taught him anything it was how to be patient. Stealing food when he was a kid, working his way through officer training and the JSSDF's ranks, seducing this little Ibuki girl. Everything he needed to accomplish his goal required finesse and a steady hand. Even letting SEELE bark at him and listening to Katsuragi bellyache was all part of it.

It wasn't for his benefit, he told himself. It was to protect the rest of humanity. To make those responsible for the Impact pay and stop them once and for all.

"Kaji-san," Maya whispered playfully.

He didn't hate being with Ibuki. She was young and fun to be around, but she was also unbelievably naïve. Sex was a great disappointment; she didn't know a thing. Apparently squealing his name and giving him the worst blowjob he ever had were her best skills to satisfy him.

He moved to trap her against the wall, one hand on her side below her armpit, his palm lightly pressed against the bottom of her breast, the other still planted on her lower back.

"Kaji-san…"

"You're just too sexy," he whispered in her ear as he craned his head against hers.

"You're always so… bad."

"I can't help it. You're so good."

"… really?"

"The best I've ever had."

He heard her take a shuddery breath. He knew she had to be bursting with joy. She never could tell when he was being sincere and disingenuous.

"The best…" she breathed, but he still heard it.

Her insecurity in bed was mildly endearing at first, but it quickly grew tiresome. Role-playing or anything beyond what she saw in romance movies was completely beyond her. But she was fairly smart; she realized he was, in her words, "experienced." By that token, she was disturbingly "inexperienced." Not a virgin, just incredibly inept. Telling her she was the best was both an attempt to improve things on the path to orgasm and an attempt to make her a little more confident. Or something.

"So," he blew into her ear, "can you skip out early?"

Make her feel gorgeous, make her feel loved. Make her feel she can confide all the secrets of Akagi without any risk.

"I… the Doctor really wanted me to finish those synch summary reports—"

"Then how about I join you in the lab?"

She blushed hard all over again and he viciously killed the nearly overpowering urge to laugh in her face. This girl thought anything but missionary in the bedroom was kinky.

"I, I won't be long, okay?" Maya lightly extracted her body from his hands and slid a few steps away. She knew Dr. Akagi would most likely fire her if she even kissed someone in the lab. She was so cold about these things. "Just, um, i-if you wait here, I'll be back soon, okay? Then, maybe we can…"

Fuck?

"Make love?" Kaji asked as warmly as he knew how.

"Y-yeah." She wore the secret smile she always did when planning something like this. "I'll be right back."

He watched her hurry down the hall with her legs pressed tightly together. Kaji picked out a cigarette from his pocket and let his lips capture it in one motion. He searched for his lighter.

Make love. What a joke. He never made love. He didn't know how. It was an unreachable ideal. People could delude themselves all they want but it didn't change the truth. Call it a fuck. A first step to tear down the pretension.

Kaji found his lighter and lit his cigarette. Maya hated it when he smoked. He hated it when she got all weepy over some brainless love story, or those love movies she subjected him to, all filled with childish sentiment for childish fools.

_We're all living out a lovely fantasy,_ he thought. He grinned in self-pity. _I'm no different._

Time for the invincible Kaji-sama to save the whole wide world. Punish evil and fight for good. And do it all by lying and stealing and killing and all but raping a little girl. But it's okay. Because you're saving the world. For people to keep lying and stealing and killing and raping.

Kaji let his smoke burn without inhaling.

* * *

Shiro stared up at the ceiling.

It wasn't the first time he saw it. But it seemed every time he was here on his back as the sweat and pheromones washed over his body and sheets, the ceiling appeared as though it changed since the last time he'd been there. The light was slightly dimmer, the paint was a little more chipped, the bed was less supportive. Maybe it was just because it was so long since he shared a bed. Or maybe it was the flaying guilt of experiencing any kind of pleasure whatsoever, even if it was nothing but a brief physical distraction.

"You okay?" Naoko asked, lying next to him. She stretched the arm slung across his stomach, and affectionately nuzzled her nose into his neck.

"Yeah. It's just been a long week and a half."

"Yes. I'm glad things have calmed down. It's been entirely too long since we could meet like this."

"… how have you been?"

"Busy." She laughed softly. "I'm still analyzing the battle data, synch reports, and preparing to begin the investigation into the Angel core we obtained. You should be a part of that. There isn't much left, but we take what we can."

"Yes we do. I'll be there."

"Good." Naoko shut her eyes. "And of course the Commander is hounding me to expedite Rei's recovery. I don't have a lot of options, you know. What does he want me to do? Kill her, pop a fresh one out of the tank and hope everything works like we planned?"

Shiro clenched his jaw. This woman never let go of the animosity she held for that girl. He supposed it was just a lingering product of her infatuation with Gendo, or maybe it was the First's twisted origins. Shiro didn't like to think about it. Something might have come of it if she was actually with Ikari instead of him, but as it was all she did was complain.

Better than the alternative, he supposed. He wondered how Gendo would play it if he had stooped to sleep with Naoko.

"You're far away again," she told him with a tiny smile. She waited until he looked down at her. She broached her next question carefully. "What do you think about him? The Commander's son?"

"Shinji," Shiro instantly corrected her. His tone wasn't sharp and she didn't cringe or apologize. It was simply his gut reaction. The boy at least deserved to be acknowledged by name. "I know he'll fight, and he's the only pilot we have at the moment, just… I don't feel good about it."

He already told her what he told Shinji in the cage. She certainly had more of a right to know than Kaji.

"You did what you had to," she said softly. "If you hadn't everyone might be dead."

"It still doesn't justify it. It isn't right."

"There are very few things that are right in this world. Don't go reminding yourself every chance you can." Naoko kissed his neck softly. Shiro felt an electric thrill run down his spine and hated himself for it.

"How's Ritsuko?" he asked, hoping to stop the increasingly nice feeling creeping through his body. "She's still in NERV Germany, right?"

"Yes," she sighed and drew back as the subject turned sour for her. "She's working on their MAGI system. I gave her most of my notes and she's progressing nicely. Germany's computers will never rival mine of course, but it'll serve its purpose."

While things between the Akagi women were never particularly close, and it hadn't exactly gotten better over time, mother and daughter were able to interact with less jealousy and competition than a few years ago. Being half a world away from one another seemed to help.

Shiro met Ritsuko in Germany when she paid NERV Germany's branch a visit at her mother's request, when he was still trying to mend Asuka's shattered mind. Naoko's daughter struck him as a very reserved, very humble kind of girl, not flaunting her credentials or trying to steal authority from others. She seemed content to stay in the shadows of those who directed her. It was probably an act to hide her intense jealousy of her mother, or her true objectives.

Three years ago she was given command over the German branch's scientific research wing. For someone so young she was given awesome responsibility and power. Naoko thought nothing of it and gave her blessing, citing her daughter's grades and skill with computer systems. She was always a bit dense when dealing with people.

Shiro knew better. The Committee was most likely backing Ritsuko. He wasn't as bothered by it now. Because Naoko was correct; her MAGI were superior to anything else on earth, including the copies the other NERV branches held. And since Asuka was in Japan, there was no chance for indirect pilot manipulation.

His mouth twisted into a sick pantomime of a smile. Asuka, all the Children, got enough manipulation right here. At least here he could attempt to shape what form it took.

His right eye pitched sideways in a mildly uncomfortable strain to the nightstand next to the bed. It was old and wooden, something Naoko inherited from her grandmother years ago. It was out of place with the rest of her contemporarily styled apartment, but it aptly displayed her tasteful refinement.

On the nightstand beneath the lamp spilling dirty yellow light was a small metal cross on a thick cord. It was the last thing Shiro's mother gave to him before she died. It was her most prized possession. She once told him she had it since childhood. The explanation of how she got it, or who gave it to her never passed her lips. Even when she was on the bed she died in she did not tell him. He knew it was significant, but he did not know the significance. She gave it to him and then she died.

He considered leaving it with that unconscious bleeding girl on that day.

Naoko watched him stare off. He would do that often, especially after sex. Was she that repulsive to him? Did he wish she was younger, or thinner, or prettier? But he was with her.

He wasn't her great love. He wasn't the best lover she ever had. He did what was necessary, but there always a detachment in everything he carried out. Just like how he spoke to people. Smooth and unruffled. Even when he was in his lab he wasn't really there.

She couldn't blame him. She didn't know how he coped with seeing the Second Impact, knowing his daughter was dead because he brought her with him. She had to be blind not to see he blamed himself for the girl's death, maybe even the entire Impact, even though he couldn't have stopped either. They were completely out of his control. Naoko had some dealings with survivor's guilt having been close to Gendo for so many years, but she never experienced it herself.

Her husband Daisuke died of an undetected brain aneurism four years before the Impact, leaving her to raise Ritsuko on her own. She had no idea how. He always handled that aspect. It was natural for him; he was a middle school English teacher. He was used to dealing with kids. Naoko was a scientist; focusing on the formation of emotional bonds, even with a child she birthed, was foreign and upsetting.

She let him care for Ritsuko while she became the sole breadwinner. A lot of her colleagues snickered, but those with children of their own would smile and realize what Naoko had long ago: Daisuke was a kind, loving man.

When he died she knew she would never love again. Even though he wasn't the most handsome, or intelligent, or important man. It was because he was hers. He loved her unconditionally and she didn't know why. She never told him how much he meant to her. Openly voicing something like that made her feel like a silly child. She didn't, and he died. All she had left was her job, an exercise to distract, which was what she wanted.

When the Committee sent Gendo to her lab as the head director she was furious. Who was this boy waltzing into her world, acting with such arrogance as to assume he knew even half of what was taking place? But if that woman Yui trusted and supported him, he had to have some worth.

She quickly came to realize he was very shrewd, and very cunning. It was obvious why the Committee tapped him. He was sly, and clever, and confident, and driven, and incredibly ambitious. Naoko found herself attracted to him in less than a week.

Because he was another distraction. Her little crush let her forget she was indisputably in league with the people who killed half the human race. He was as far from Daisuke as she could imagine. He would never love her, even after his wife died, and she would never love him. He merely made her forget.

She was getting ready to throw herself at him when Shiro arrived from Germany with Unit-02 and the Second Children. Despite his calm demeanor and reserved attitude about everything, he was impossible not to notice.

He was smarter than Gendo but he was cold and unresponsive too, almost more so. It was odd since he made such a conscious effort to make others feel good, smiling and talking with them. But the smile he wore was just a muscular application without any actual emotion behind it.

And Naoko found another distraction, but one that would not ignore her. While Gendo would have diverted her emotions entirely, Shiro would be able to do almost as much. He was merely the more accessible of the two.

She didn't hate him. He was a like mind. He knew what NERV was doing and he held reservations like she did, but he was committed, like she was. Sharing a bed was a logical outcome.

She realized this was all just a pathetic attempt to remind herself what it was like to feel human.

Naoko snuggled closer to him, twining her legs with his. She was careful to avoid his injured one. She wasn't truly aiming to entice him but his body couldn't stop reacting.

"Oh," she purred. "What's this?" She reached down and stroked him in her usual totally ineffective attempt at delicate intimacy. "Ready again? You always did have good recovery time, Shiro."

She rolled onto him and kissed him roughly, forcing her tongue and spit and voice into his mouth. The rest of her body became active, rubbing their still slick bodies together, her crotch grinding into his, her hands roaming his shoulders and chest. He started the required actions needed to get her wet enough to facilitate intercourse; cupping her breasts, stroking along her thighs, etc, etc. At length she straddled him fully, keeping her body close to his.

Naoko always kept the covers on. She was terribly self-conscious about her aging body. Shiro didn't care one way or the other. She could've been ninety or nine. The outcome was the same.

He issued the expected grunts and moans as she gripped and guided, letting him slide into her. She commenced sex.

Time passed and orgasm gradually approached. Shiro closed his eyes. Not to remove the image of a sweaty Naoko ruthlessly hammering up and down on him or to enhance the coming release but to make his mind focus on the disgrace of letting himself suffer any kind of enjoyment. Even if it was a kind of pain, if it held the classification of pleasure to others it was far from what he deserved.

He needed to keep her happy, even partially. She had too much information and the power to use it. Shiro didn't trust her with it all, especially if she got angry. She was an incredibly jealous and insecure woman about everything ranging from her looks to her work. But if he paid attention to her, smiled at her, let her fuck him, maybe she wouldn't do anything too stupid like destroy Rei or kill herself. Like everything else in his life, he did it because he did not have a choice.

He lost count of the times he held a knife to his wrist or a gun to his head. But he couldn't die until that man was stopped. Until those men were stopped. He might never halt them entirely but if he delayed them even for a few years it could give someone else the opportunity to finish what he started. Like Kaji. Or even Naoko.

Or Shinji.

Shiro could not stop the groan that rushed past his lips as his penis quickly ejected three short spurts of semen into Naoko. She kept pummeling him until he went soft, just the way she thought he liked it, and then sighed contentedly.

He collapsed breathing through his mouth. Naoko smiled and leaned down to delicately kiss his lower lip, then plucked a few tissues from her nightstand. She pulled her body from his and quickly stopped his cum from dripping out onto her sheets. She grabbed a robe and hurried to the bathroom.

"I'll be right back," she said under the doorframe.

Shiro forced his breathing to return to normal and shut his mouth. Soon his heart fell back to its steady slow pulse, and control was reclaimed from the weary exhilaration of post-orgasm. He felt beads of cold aftercum dribble onto his stomach.

He stared up at the ceiling. It had changed again.

* * *

End of Chapter 3

Author notes: I always thought Naoko was kinda hot…

I know Rei the first was sans emotion, but when she started layin' the burns down on Naoko in episode 21 (?), she looked fairly pleased with herself. Just trying to expand on that creep vibe.

Shinji has anger issues. I'm attempting to present it earlier in the series in a bluntly inartistic way. I'll explain it poorly in the next few chapters.

And yeah, I realize the scene with Toji was just like the one I wrote in Casualties. And the Sachiel battle was like the Zeruel one in Witness. Hey, I'm lazy.

Next chapter: will be awhile. Obviously it will contain the Ramiel battle, and obviously NERV will win, but it's _slightly_ different. Expect some nice, sweet, disturbing Rei/Shinji moments. And angry Asuka.

OMAKE

"Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Never stop fucking me, Shiro-sama!"

Naoko flailed in ecstasy under him as he thrust into her, her nails raking across his back, pleading for him to go as hard as he wished.

"You're a god, Shiro-sama! Oh, my god, never stop, please!"

"Hmm? Oh, right. Yeah, never stop. Got it."

Shiro glanced away from the woman's rapturous screams and continued doing his tax returns on the small bureau by the bed. While it was slightly inconvenient to do them here he had precious little free time and took any chance he could get. After the Impact government collection agencies had taken a particularly brutal modus operandi when gathering money from the citizenry. He wasn't taking any chances. One bum leg was enough, thank you very much.

"Oh, god! Oh, god! So good!"

Finances were never his thing, though. He considered asking that Ibuki girl to take care of this for him again but he was tired of paying her back with all that Sanrio cosplay sex. Not something he wanted to relive anytime soon.

"Oh! _Oh!_ Oh, you're so perfect! My god, you're going to make me cum! I'm going to cum just for you!!"

Oddly, Kaji offered to help as well but he always wanted to do so in some bar called the Aquarium down in Tokyo-3's gay district. He claimed it was merely because it had the best mojito in Japan. While Shiro considered himself a fairly open-minded kind of guy, he—

"_Shiro-samaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!"_

Naoko collapsed under him, the force of her orgasm causing her to blackout. Shiro sighed and carefully freed himself from her. Then he set down to tackle those taxes without any more distractions.

"'Undeclared deductibles.' Does cloning a god count? I'll put it down anyway."


	4. Aegis

Adam Kadmon

Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion. But I do own it when people spell it Evagnelion.

* * *

Light squirmed into her room past the edges of her blinds. She battled with her perpetual decision to get bigger shades or appreciate how the current fit afforded an effective wakeup call. And she could always pull the blanket over her head to escape the morning sun.

She got the sheets to her nose and stopped. In the hazy moment between reluctant waking and retreating back into slumber her mind narrowed on the real world and her place and duties in it.

_Today's the day._

She rolled over and squinted at the clock by her bed. She groaned.

"Kaji-san?" Asuka called out. "Why did you let me sleep through my alarm? I told you I wanted to get up early today, you clod."

She waited under her blanket for him to stroll in and offer his usual half-hearted apology and lame excuse. It was a routine now. He did something dumb and she suffered gracefully for it. It was tiring and far worse than she deserved, but she couldn't very well move out; someone had to keep that man in line.

"Kaji-san! You've yet to grovel for my forgiveness. Stop not shaving and get in here."

He did not get in there. And Hikari envied her for living with such a gorgeous guy. What an idiot.

Asuka dragged herself out of bed. She clawed a few tangles out of her hair and slid her door open with her foot. She entered the living room, a narrow space trisecting the front door, the kitchen, and the short hall with the bedrooms and bathroom. There was no real furnishings outside a couch and TV, both of which Asuka insisted on when she moved in.

"Kaji-san? Are you even here? I hope you don't mind if I pour all your booze down the drain and drop your laptop in the bath."

Obviously not here.

She kicked a video game controller out of her way. It was for a console Kaji gave her when she turned twelve. He claimed it was a "fun way to practice hand-eye coordination at home". Asuka thought it was just an excuse to cover up his own fondness for action and strategy games. At least in those he could pause.

The answering machine by the couch was blinking. Asuka idly hit it as she staggered to the kitchen.

"_Kaji, this is Shiro. Please call back."_

Asuka rolled her eyes. She liked the Doctor, but he was so uptight. Despite how the situation changed or who he was with, his tone and demeanor never wavered from composed civility. A part of her envied him for it. He was in complete control of his emotions. Even if it was incredibly boring. He did have a bad habit of overstating things when he wanted to get a point across, but he wasn't consciously trying to be pretentious.

"And speaking of bad habits," Asuka grumbled as she reached the kitchen table. She picked up a scrap of paper with Kaji's distinctively lazy scrawl. "_'Working late'_. I suppose it's a type of work."

'Working late' became a code for her. Kaji had a talent for vanishing hours at a time without any real explanation other than a vague allusion to official NERV business. Which meant it was top secret or he was lying to her.

Being lied to was not an immediate cause for anger; she was used to older people purposefully keeping her out of the loop. It was the underlying rationale for why they did it that was irritating. They thought she was a child and had to protect her from reality. Despite the massive contradiction of training her to pilot a giant war machine while simultaneously coddling her like some normal obliviously naïve kid, it was the fact Kaji, of all people, felt the need to participate in the whole charade. She crumpled the note in her fist.

It was the fourth of the month, meaning Kaji's little girlfriend wasn't on her period. Not that Asuka asked or snooped through Ibuki's purse, but it was simple enough to figure out based on the times and frequency of their 'working late' appointments. Kaji had to be at her place now. It was like they wanted to be found out.

She didn't hate Maya. She was always polite and considerate, but when she commented on how nice Kaji was to take Asuka in like he did, she could see the doubt flicker behind her eyes. That was her initial impression of Maya: insecure. She craved positive reinforcement and defined herself through the outwardly selfless acts she did for others. Obedient and teachable. Like a pet. Asuka wondered if that was why Kaji took her.

Whoever Kaji wanted to sleep with was none of her business, anyway. Even if she didn't think Maya was his type. Asuka only wished he had the courtesy to tell her straightforwardly and treat her like the adult who would soon be piloting to save his ungrateful behind on a regular basis and not his kid sister.

Asuka opened the refrigerator. Like usual it was a desolate tundra of leftovers, instant food and stale soda. She sighed.

"One of us needs to learn how to cook," she grumbled, selecting a half-eaten cup of ramen. She had a brief mental image of coming home from school and finding her guardian at the stove, wearing a pink apron and asking how her day was. She shivered in disgust.

It was just as well he didn't cook and was hardly around. Asuka didn't want some wannabe parental figure hovering over her all the time, coddling her in a desperate attempt to make up for whatever crappy childhood they had. People grew up in crap. People grew old in crap. People lived in crap.

A week passed since the last battle, but Asuka still caught low conversations at NERV about the prodigal yet incredible Third Children. It was like giving an award to a creative mass murderer. As long as it was unexpected and atypical people ate it up. Who cared that he was sloppy, disrespectful and reckless? He was NERV's new poster boy for its intrinsically questionable hiring practices.

He already beat her without any contest. She knew nothing short of killing an Angel by herself blindfolded with one hand would place her above that boy in NERV's collective awareness. He was their darling now; the novice rookie with no training and no military discipline who saved the earth with nothing but willpower and bravery.

_And violent mental illness,_ Asuka thought. _Can't forget that._

She reasoned an organization that handled giant robots would naturally be littered with losers retaining traditional otaku mentalities regarding gender and war. So they obviously required some sort of gaudy and overly dramatic display to take notice of anything.

Winning was Asuka's only option. It might not happen immediately, but if she beat Ikari and the First in front of everyone enough times she could claim what was rightfully hers. She had the highest synch rate, she had the most advanced training, she had the best Eva, she was the most skilled pilot. Calling Rei second-rate was charitable and Ikari was a psychotic flash in the pan.

Asuka stabbed at the noodles and the stench of mold slapped her in the face. She threw the cup away.

It was half past eight. She had to shower, dress, and report to NERV by ten. The bath had been suffering from a lack of sustainable hot water for the last few days, but Kaji always forgot to complain to the landlord and he wouldn't take a teenager seriously. She'd have to rough it yet again. Clothes were a lesser concern today, since she'd be changing into her plug suit as soon as she arrived at the base. Her school uniform was definitely not the height of fashion, but it was an easily functional choice when she felt lazy. She hoped the trains were running on time today because she had to be there by ten and it was already half past eight so—

"So stop dawdling. Get it in gear, Asuka."

There was only one chance to wake NERV from its illusory dream. To remind them who was the best. To put the other Children back in their proper places. To kill Angels without any possibility of failure. There was no other choice. She had to win.

"I am Soryu Asuka," she said. "I cannot be defeated."

* * *

Filiation

Chapter 4: Aegis

* * *

It was sunny. If it wasn't sunny, it was rainy. There was no in-between. Rain was dark. The sun was light. There was no grey. Rei looked up into the blue sky. It was bright.

Sunlight was disgusting. Not the sun itself; that was pure. It was how it illuminated the sick deceitfulness of mankind for her to see. Others blissfully ignored it, but it clawed her eyes open and forced its filth into her. Alone she was content to watch the blanketing sky leisurely fold into night, but her mandatory path and its swarm of humans stole what little satisfaction the act held for her.

The main surface gate to NERV was twenty-six blocks from her apartment complex. The tram three blocks from her apartment could send her four blocks from the gate. She would prefer to walk the entire distance but time was not a luxury, and she needed sleep to revive her body after the tests and training Gendo demanded from her.

The tram was filthy. The maintenance crews took great care to present a superficially polished exterior, all bleached and sterile, but they could not purge the stink of human from it. It was a speeding cage full of the rotting excrement and dying sacks of flesh.

After casting the tram off Rei walked to a security barricade designed to fool the public into seeing it as nothing than yet another industrial site. Inside was the linear cable car that delivered her into the Geofront and NERV proper.

This was her world. Away from the light and dark, into an existence of nothing but grey that shadowed mankind and everything else.

The gate to the pyramidal main base was before her, framed by flat reflective obelisks, some designer's attempt at artistic sophistication. Like everyday Rei passed them without notice. They were needless eyesores.

She reached for the new security card the Akagi woman presented her yesterday and saw Shinji on a bench by the front gate. He stared up at the Geofront's ceiling of diluted orange from the glow of the mirrored sun above. His head lazily turned to her and he stood.

"Ayanami."

"You were waiting here?" Rei asked as he approached her.

"Yeah."

"For me?"

"… yeah."

"Why?" She was surprised, she just didn't care.

"I wanted to see how you were doing," Shinji said, trying to keep his stupid cheeks from getting too red. "I missed a couple days of school after the battle, but I haven't seen you there for awhile. Are you okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"The guy who attacked you that day. Has he bothered you again?"

"No."

"Good." Shinji relaxed a degree. "Why did he do it in the first place?"

"His sister lost a leg during the first Angel attack while I fought. He blamed me."

"Oh." He looked away. "That didn't make him right," he muttered.

Were she another girl Rei might have experienced a small measure of delight knowing he was so concerned and worried. She only felt a nagging frustration with the mask Shinji made himself wear. Rei was certain he was a hate-filled person. He had to be to give her the same feeling as the beast.

"Has he done something to cause you worry?" Rei asked, directing him where she wanted.

"I haven't seen him in school, either." Shinji's body convulsed. "Maybe he's visiting his sister or something." _Or piecing his face back together. I actually had to buy new shoes when I couldn't scrub his blood off the old ones. Stop thinking about it._

"Perhaps he is not merely visiting."

He felt his stomach lurch and then contract into a knot. He pleaded with her not to continue. He never should have waited for her.

"I… I—" _I didn't mean to do that. I don't think I meant to do that. I don't think I wanted to do that._ "A-about what—"

"Well, well, well," a clipped voice coasted down the pathway. Asuka approached the pair with a heavy foot. "Getting awfully cozy, aren't we? I expected you to have a little more taste than this, First."

"Soryu," Rei acknowledged, keeping her eyes on Shinji as he shrank back from the new arrival.

"I don't care if you think you're high and mighty now," Asuka said, making a beeline for the boy, "but don't think you can just waltz up to people and hit on them. You're worse than Kaji-san." She glared at him as he kept his eyes on his feet. "What are you, stupid? Look at me when I'm talking to you."

"I wasn't hitting on Ayanami." He glanced up to somewhere near her nose. His fingers twisted into fists. "I was just worried, alright?"

"How sweet. Aren't you just the perfect little gentleman. How can you pretend to be all polite and boring one minute then go foaming-at-the-mouth crazy the next? This schizoid routine makes us all look bad. We're pilots. We need to act with at least a modicum of discipline." She scoffed. "Have a little dignity."

He took a short, full look at her. Her hair was cascading down her shoulders like a stream of blood.

"Why are you giving me such a hard time? Do you like her?" There was no venom in his words; it was just a question. If the girl liked Rei he had a real reason to back off.

Asuka slapped him hard enough to send him stumbling back a step.

"You pervert! Why do all boys think with their dicks? I don't 'like' blue over there. I don't even like her. But she's a lot more tolerable than you. You stroll in here, make a big pissy scene with your dad, then decide to pilot anyway and everybody acts like it's the most heroic thing ever."

Asuka kept talking but Rei was done listening. She watched Shinji wilt after the slap. There was nothing more to gain from this save a headache from Soryu and irritation from Ikari. Rei turned and left.

Their squabble crawled on then abruptly stopped as Rei passed through the shuttered gates into NERV. The lifts descending to Central Dogma were in sight when she heard the gates open again. She momentarily desired the mental weakness to utter a groan.

"First."

She slowed enough to allow Asuka to catch her, who gave her an appraising glance. They stepped onto the escalator.

"What was he so 'worried' about? Boys like him only worry about how to feel up a gullible girl."

"I do not know why he was concerned," Rei answered. Truthfully, she didn't. Suzahara was no threat. If he confronted her again she would disable him. He no longer possessed the element of surprise. Since he was a pilot candidate he needed to live, but with his prior assault as a viable excuse she could do anything to him short of murder. Though it would be far more gratifying to let Ikari take him again.

"Then why didn't you tell him to buzz off?" Asuka cringed. "Oh God do not tell me _you_ like him."

"Why would you care?"

"If you two are getting lovey-dovey then when we're all fighting you'll place priority over each other. I don't want you two screwing up a battle plan because of some horrendously erroneous lapse of hormonal restraint." She shook her head in disgust. "Any emotional attachment can be a liability. I thought you'd know that."

"I know."

"Yeah, I guess you would." Asuka glanced over her shoulder and snorted softly as Shinji stepped onto the lift. "Puppy boy is following us like a, well, puppy."

"He is scheduled to attend today's meeting as well."

"Oh, yeah. Whoopee. Unit-02 is finally finished. Let's throw a bureaucratic orgy." She flicked a willful bang out of her eyes. "I mean, I'm obviously glad, but all this pomp won't mean anything until I get to use my Eva for what it was made to do. I don't want to celebrate until I have a real reason to. Not that I'm adverse to a party in my honor…"

She trailed off, looking bored with the conversation. She stared blankly at the ceiling as it slipped behind her.

_But it'll only remind me that I haven't done anything yet,_ she thought. _They have to know exactly what they're honoring or it'll be a waste._

Today was just another test, she told herself. Just another test in an endless line of tests stretching behind and before her, from birth to death. Just one more, so it was nothing to worry about. Because she wasn't worried.

Asuka checked her watch.

"It's time," she whispered.

* * *

_It's about time._

She was in her armor. The invincible shield that gave her command and protection over all things. It hummed around her with the promise of power. Strength of colossi rushed through her until she felt her body lighten and expand outward to fill the armor up, making it her skin and muscle. She was a giant now, a titan. A god.

"_Unit-02 has successfully activated,"_ Maya announced from the bridge. She sounded relieved.

"Of course it was successful," Asuka breathed in her plug. She wound her hands around the controls and waited out the remainder of the test.

Most of the chatter from the control room was technical specifics she knew by heart. It was just like the simulation start-ups, but she didn't want any possible mistakes. All that remained before Unit-02 was hers and hers alone was for NERV's crew to satisfy their paranoia and produce the trust she earned from them long ago.

She shut her eyes to focus, commanding Unit-02's submission to her will, for its senses to augment her own. It was the same way she achieved her synch scores and her simulation rankings. The Eva was a puppet and her mind held its strings.

"_Synchronization holding at sixty-one percent,"_ Maya said.

Asuka told herself it was acceptable. Not her highest, but the anxiety and apprehension from all the cowards watching her with strained bladders were creeping into her like a vicious infection.

Her concentration faltered further as tense voices buzzed over the tactical network.

"_Observation post thirty-one has sighted an unidentified object heading directly towards Tokyo-3,"_ Aoba reported.

"_It is probably the next Angel."_

"_The UN has already backed off."_

"_Scramble Unit-01. Prep Unit-00 and have Rei on backup, just in case. Let's—"_

"Send me out," Asuka said. "I'm ready." There was a brief pause over the line. She forced her impatience back down. "You need all the help you can get. You can't expect the Third to do everything."

"_Unit-02 is completely operational,"_ Maya said hesitantly. _"All readings satisfactory. No problems detected."_

"_Launch Units -01 and -02,"_ Kaji ordered.

Asuka felt the heavy thump of Unit-02's cage being converted to allow her passage to the launch pads. The umbilical bridge and surrounding gantries slid below her as the Eva was lifted on an elevator platform towards the transport dock. Her hands clung to the control handles to keep from shaking.

"_Asuka will take point,"_ Kaji said over the comm. _"Shinji-kun, take up position behind her at the fourteenth weapons elevator. Be ready to cover her if she needs to get out of there. Understood?"_

"Roger," Shinji said from Unit-01.

"_Understood?"_ Kaji said again after waiting several seconds. _"Asuka?"_

"Yeah," she muttered. "I got it." She cut active communication from Unit-02.

_Is she nervous?_ Shinji thought. _Maybe scared? This _is_ her first battle._

"Soryu? Are—"

"Don't distract me," she said. Her voice was calm and placid. He never heard her like that.

He realized saying anything more might invite her usual demeanor towards his existing near her and he shut his mouth. Shinji closed the window between them and patched into the camera array dispersed throughout the city. He zoomed in on the Angel.

"These things look dumber every time." This was as far from what he thought giant mysterious invaders were supposed to look like. They should be menacing and scary. They shouldn't be innocuous floating blue diamonds.

The Captain gave the order to launch and they rocketed up below the open sky. Sunlight crashed down on him and Shinji stepped back behind an industrial complex to circle around the Angel while keeping Asuka in his sight. He saw her Eva wobble against the lift restraints after the force of the elevator. Shinji moved to select a rifle from a nearby weapon locker.

He heard a commotion from the bridge and then their voices were drowned by some kind of alarm. He looked back at Unit-02.

"_Asuka, get out of there!"_ Kaji yelled.

Unit-02 bowed forward to move before the Captain finished speaking. The Angel's front point flickered to life and expanded into shining radiance. The Eva finished placing its weight on its bent knee, still on the lift pad. The light of the Angel erupted into a beam.

She had time to look up to see a flashing star brighter than the sun devour the sky until it blanketed her entire vision.

"_Asuka!"_

A crushing stake of boiling fire skewered her chest, pulling her whole body through the wound until she burst apart on the other side. Her breath exploded out from her lungs in a howl of agony. Her vision burned red to grey and her head twisted and fell from nerve-scorching inferno to a bottomless numb void of absolute shadow.

* * *

"Unit-02's back in the Geofront," Maya said.

"Asuka!?" Kaji ordered as the situation crumbled around him.

"She's safe. Unconscious, but alive."

"Unit-01? Shinji-kun?"

The Captain looked up at the main screen. Shinji spun out from his cover behind the weapon transport as Asuka started screaming and fired, three rounds smashing into the Angel before it ceased its beam. The next rifle burst struck an AT-Field and deflected wildly, spraying the surrounding buildings and showering the streets with metal and glass.

"Shinji-kun," Shiro said, seeing Maya's monitor displaying another power surge from the Angel, "move."

The diamond's front edge sparked and Unit-01 fell to its left behind a squat building. The beam sliced past Shinji, gouging the adjoining city under a swathe of white fire. Unit-01 rose to a crouch, covered by fiery smoke belching up from the crater beside it.

"Fall back," Kaji ordered with calm authority. "Retreat to the elevator at point twenty-six."

"_How?"_

"Use the intercept system. Give him some cover."

The buildings fencing the Angel opened and poured out missiles and exploding rounds. All fell harmlessly against its AT Field as it advanced on Unit-01 without slowing.

"It's ignoring the defenses," Hyuga said. "It's going after Shinji-kun."

"Power spike," Maya said. "It's going to fire again."

"Shinji-kun—"

"_Damn it."_

Unit-01 hurled its rifle out from its cover. The Angel fired, incinerating the gun, and Shinji sprinted away. He slid onto the lift and dug his fingers into it to halt his momentum. Kaji gave the order to retrieve him and the ground beneath the Eva parted like a mouth to swallow him. As Shinji sank into the earth the last thing he saw was the Angel hanging in the bright blue sky, the sun flashing off its edges like fire.

* * *

"Hey there. I haven't seen you around here before. What's your name?"

_Soryu Asuka._

"What's a kid like you doing in a place like this?"

_I'm not a kid. I'm the Second Children._

"Well, well. The famous Second Children."

_That's right. I am famous._

"You certainly are. I've watched your training simulations and read over your testing reports. They're very impressive."

_I know._

"The methodology you display befits someone much older, with a lot of battle experience. Though following standard operating procedures too closely can be costly in our business."

_Who are you?_

"I'm Captain Ryouji Kaji. Pleased to meet you, Soryu Asuka."

_Captain. You're NERV's new operations director._

"Does that bother you?"

_You're too young._

And he laughed, and told her age is less relevant than it traditionally was before the Impact. Eighty or eight, if you got the job done you did it. Besides, he said with a grin, no one's raising any arguments about ten-year-old girls piloting giant humanoid war machines.

_It doesn't matter if I'm a girl._

Does it matter if Rei is?

_She's not a girl. She's barely a human._

Yes, sir. Yes, ma'am. Affirmative. Understood. Carrying out your orders. Engaging the enemy. Falling back. Yes, sir. Yes, sir, Commander.

No, father. I won't do it no matter what you say. I'm ready. Stop it. I'm sorry. I wasn't hitting on her. Do you like her? I was just worried. Okay? Father?

Mother?

die with me.

Shut up, you stupid barren cow. Can't you do anything right? You can't make your husband happy, you can't take care of yourself, you can't even kill the right fucking child. I didn't have a father and I sure as hell don't need a mother. I have my Eva, and I have Kaji-san to look after me, and I have Dr. Katsuragi to talk to me, and I have stupid Rei and crazy Shinji to get beaten by me. I don't need anyone to mistake me for a goddamn doll. So you can just go ahead and die. _You can go ahead and_

"Die."

"Oh. You're finally awake."

Asuka opened her eyes. She was in a bed staring up at a white ceiling. She looked to her right and saw Dr. Akagi leisurely checking over a health monitor. Cords snaked from it up to the bed and under the sheets. Asuka felt cold patches of sticky plastic on her skin.

"You've been sleeping for six hours."

"The Angel's still alive," she said slowly, practicing her voice.

"Yes," Naoko said. "The positron beam it fired at you was stronger than anything we've ever seen. We had no idea it had something like that at its disposal."

"Where's Unit-02?"

"In stasis. The damage it sustained was extensive; the beam melted straight through the first five armor layers in six seconds. It's a miracle it didn't cut right into the plug. If it was Unit-01 or -00 out there, it would be a different story."

"Stasis?" Asuka repeated. She tried to keep her eyes open.

"The Angel produced a drill and is currently boring into the Geofront. We have about thirteen hours until it penetrates the ceiling and attacks headquarters directly. We don't have time to repair Unit-02 before that happens."

"Then we're dead."

"Not quite," Naoko said, clearing her throat at the girl's passive tone. "The Captain devised a plan that the MAGI gave the highest chance of succeeding. It's a calculated risk, but given the circumstances it's the best we can do."

Asuka stared at the ceiling. She listened to the steady electric chime of the life support monitors reading her pulse. It was like a metronome, leisurely checking off the seconds of her life. It reminded her of Unit-02's constant electric heartbeat, the surge of power throbbing in time with her own.

"What's the plan?" she asked.

"You don't need to worry about that," Naoko said. "You should rest. Shinji-kun and Rei will take care of everything. Just go to sleep."

"Just go to sleep." _It's all I ever do._

Her eyelids grew heavy, chains dragging them down and trapping her sight.

_I wonder if it feels like you're falling asleep when you die._

Asuka let her eyes slip shut and darkness enveloped her.

* * *

"Late night, sir?" Hyuga asked his captain as he tried to hide a yawn behind his hand.

"It's the day catching up with me," Kaji said, leaning against the tech's console on the command bridge. The rest of the crew was gone; Aoba was dealing with the engineering department's representatives, the Commanders were simply not there, and Maya was on a ten-minute lunch break.

_Damn girl,_ he thought. _Last night was a waste of time. I didn't get anything important out of her about Akagi or any specifics on that dummy system project of hers. Unless I count Maya's aversion to anything even remotely seen as anal as important. It was just my finger, for God's sake._

"There certainly has been a lot of excitement today."

"I'll take the unexciting days anytime." Kaji rubbed his eyes awake. "How's the rifle coming along?"

"Ahead of schedule, sir. At this rate we'll have a full thirty-two minutes between the final safety checks and when the Angel breaks through the Geofront."

"Somehow that still doesn't fill me with confidence."

"Sir?"

"Sorry. It's kind of a laugh so you don't cry scenario. I'd rather not be weeping like a baby when an Angel kills me."

"Um, sir?" Hyuga shifted in his seat. "Maybe you shouldn't say things like that out loud. It isn't good for morale to hear the higher-up who made this plan openly doubting it."

"But everyone's thinking it, right?" Kaji pushed off from the console. "Besides, even though I'm not the one pulling it off, I still drew up the attack."

"So you're saying if it fails we can blame you?"

"Won't you anyway?"

Kaji left the bridge with a wave over his shoulder. With the Angel immobile but impregnable and all the preparatory work delegated to his subordinates, Kaji had little to do except oversee the progress of the varying factors. And he could entrust his team to keep an eye on those, then give him updates and reports on any changes. Kaji knew they wouldn't appreciate him micromanaging their every action. That, and he wanted a few quiet moments to smoke.

He headed to the exterior perimeter of the base, choosing the path by the vending machine walls outside Central Dogma to grab a coffee on the way. NERV's brand made him gag and wake up. A good office coffee.

He crested the last corridor and spotted the edge of a vending machine jutting out from the wall, and stopped. He heard Shiro's voice, drifting like an impassive breeze.

"That diversion was clever. I doubt anyone on the bridge would have thought of it."

"I wasn't thinking," Shinji said. He was on a bench in his plug suit, an unopened can of soda clutched in his hands between his knees. He sounded tired. "I just wanted to get out of there. There's nothing clever about it." He scratched his arm. "How's Soryu? Everyone I ask says not to worry and focus on the next fight."

"So you are worried about her?"

"Not really. It just sounded like it really hurt. I know what it's like."

"She's alive," Shiro said. "It'll take time for her to recover and NERV to repair Unit-02, but things will be close enough to normal again soon." He looked down as he readjusted his cane. "Asuka's wanted to pilot in actual combat conditions for some time."

"Why? It sucks."

"If you worked your whole life to reach one goal that would justify that life, and you failed at it, how would you feel?"

"It would make me angry." Shinji carefully set his drink down and stared up at the man. "It would mean I was wrong to base my entire existence on one thing. I was wrong and life will go on without my dream like it always does. I know what that's like, too. Because you made me feel it."

"… you don't sound very angry," Shiro said, already regretting the way he led the conversation.

"I am. But that doesn't mean it's a bad thing." He stood. "You gave me something else to justify my existence. Until I fail at being angry at you and everyone else for ruining my mother, I'll be fine."

Shinji left without looking back and nearly collided with Kaji as he strolled down the hall.

"Hey there," the Captain said with a wave. The boy did not slow and stalked past him. He shook his head and exhaled as he approached Shiro. "Why are you trying so hard with that kid?"

"Because he needs it," Shiro said.

"I shouldn't have asked." Kaji took Shinji's seat and stretched his legs out. He sighed. "Speaking of teen angst… not how I hoped Asuka's first sortie would turn out."

"You regret putting her on point?"

"Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. She has the highest synch rate and the most intense training, and although she lacks Shinji-kun's battle experience…" Kaji shrugged. "The real world has a way of mucking up the most logical plan."

"Understated like a true NERV officer," Shiro said. "So you decided to challenge that and favor the illogical. You came up with this new strategy rather quickly."

"Even I surprise myself sometimes. I'm more surprised the Commanders approved it without any hesitation. Really puts the pressure on me."

"You're talking like there were a lot of options. With Unit-00 still not fully repaired this is your best bet."

"I guess," Kaji said. "Comfort me again and assure me you and Akagi are positive about the data."

"We used the MAGI's imaging capabilities to determine the Angel's drill shaft is hollow. It contains a complex system of recharging circuits that keep the actual drill from losing power no matter how far it is from the energy source, the Angel. But the circuits themselves are necessarily thin to allow such a long passage of energy. So theoretically if we fire a positron beam strong enough up through the drill shaft it will penetrate the circuits to the directly Angel and destroy it."

"You sure do like to talk."

"You're the one who asked for an explanation."

"Yeah." Kaji peered at him and frowned. "You seem awfully chipper today. How unlike you."

"A human's mood can change like the winds." Shiro smiled without humor. "Can't I present a mask of optimism once in a while?"

"No. It's creepy. Don't do it again." He closed his eyes and massaged the bridge of his nose in fatigue. "Sorry. Just looking forward to my reunion with the princess. Akagi told me woke up a few hours ago, but just for a few minutes. I think she's been asleep since." He kept his eyes closed.

"Why did you decide to put her on point? Really?"

"It was a tactical decision," Kaji said. He kept his eyes shut. "It's pointless to regret it. War can be unpredictable."

_What you mean to say,_ Shiro thought, _is that Asuka was nothing but cover for Shinji-kun. She gave you the option of safeguarding the most experienced pilot and you took it, turning her into cannon fodder. I can't say I wouldn't do the same._

He was smart enough not to even hint at that truth with the girl. Her probable reaction again made Shiro bemoan the reality of needing teenagers to pilot the most powerful constructs in human history. Sometimes NERV was a little too shortsighted.

"Who needs Angels," Kaji said. He picked up Shinji's soda and turned it in his palm. "We do just fine on our own."

* * *

Shinji looked out over the Geofront from the gantry holding Unit-01. Vehicles and crews scurried over the landscape like ants, frantically setting up the positron rifle he was manning in a few minutes.

_Twenty,_ he told himself, glancing down at the digital clock planted on plug suit's hand. The plan was simple enough for him to understand it was a last-ditch effort. If this was what they were going with, it had to be the best NERV could do.

The noise of construction drifted to him, blunted by distance. It was dark in the Geofront. The congregation of mirrors jutting from its ceiling gorged on the moon's hazy light and spat it out over him. It even felt like night. The air was chill and brisk, the atmospheric control systems attempting to grant NERV's employees a degree of reality stolen from the world above their heads.

Shinji checked his clock again. Seventeen minutes left. He leaned back, supporting his body up with his hands.

He glanced beside him to the bridge connecting Unit-01's cage and the scaffolding that led to the makeshift control center. Rei sat by the rail, arms folded around knees drawn up to her chest. She was there when he arrived after his final briefing, watching the construction without any real interest. Shinji thought she looked incredibly frail in her plug suit.

She had not spoken to him, and he had not spoken to her. He was jealous of her calm, unflappable demeanor, and wished to absorb it for a while longer. But although silence was something he was learning to relish, sitting in stillness with another person always made him nervous, as if it proved they didn't want to be near him.

"Ayanami," he said. "I'm surprised they're making you fight, too. I didn't think they finished repairing Unit-00 yet."

"They did not. Unit-00 is not fully functional, but it is mobile."

"Oh." He shook his head. _'Mobile'_? _That means if I miss we'll both probably die. No one at NERV can see past their nose._ He looked up at Unit-01's profile. Its shuttered mouth smiled back at him.

Shinji checked his watch. Eleven minutes before the battle. He suppressed the shiver gnawing on his spine. Synch tests were fine, even if they were numbingly tedious. But being inside the Evangelion was different. He lost himself, his body and mind distending until they were wrapped by the Eva. Then it was like there were two Shinjis, two bodies and minds, each thinking almost simultaneously.

He charted his synchronization rate closely, not for any sense of accomplishment, but to validate his feelings; the higher his synch rose, the closer the two voices spoke and the quicker the two bodies acted together. He wondered what would happen when the two sets performed as one.

He looked at his watch again. Ten minutes.

He knew the mission. As soon as the Angel's drill penetrated the Geofront he was to fire the positron rifle straight up into it, hopefully destroying it and the enemy in a single shot. If he failed or the Angel counterattacked Rei would protect him and the rifle with some kind of shield NERV built on the spot alongside the gun.

The adults knew the odds were questionable enough not to tell him the odds. He knew he might die. He didn't mind thinking about that. He didn't want to think about dying inside the Evangelion. He imagined it would be like getting digested.

"The computers are going to do all the aiming, right?" he asked to distract his thoughts.

"Correct," Rei said. "All you need to do is pull the trigger."

"Why do they need us at all?" Shinji wondered aloud. "Can't they just program the gun to fire on its own?"

"The rifle emits powerful energy waves once activated. NERV did not have the necessary time to craft a firing mechanism that would be shielded. Thus, the Evangelion is needed. Its armor is a high-density alloy that will protect the pilot from the waves, allowing you to fire safely." Rei glanced at him and saw his face of subdued surprise. "What is it?"

"Nothing. Sorry." _She's awfully chatty today._ _She's weird, but at least she doesn't yell at me. And she's not ignoring me anymore._ "I wonder if Soryu is okay," he said.

"She is alive."

"I meant, I wonder if she's upset with what happened to her. Dr. Katsuragi told me she wanted to pilot for a long time."

"She will be displeased," Rei said. She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. "It would not be wise to speak to her about it."

"How come?"

"She will not enjoy knowing you took her place against the Angel."

"Oh." Shinji laughed silently once. "You know her pretty well, huh?" He flinched back as she turned to face him fully. "I mean, you two are sort of, well, not friends but kind of close, right? I thought you were in NERV with each other for a while."

"I would not refer to Soryu as a friend, nor would she think of me as one. We are both pilots. That is all."

Shinji's quiet fantasy of sharing a friendly or otherwise close relationship with the other Children again died. He hoped it stayed dead this time. The pathetic need to wish for companionship of some sort was a chronic cancer. It just kept coming back.

"That's all," he repeated to himself. He glanced down. His watch told him he had three minutes to remain himself.

* * *

_How disappointing._

Rei watched from her standby position inside the partially repaired Unit-00 as NERV assembly crews began dismantling the positron rifle for storage. She scanned the site, shifting her eyes to Unit-01, already aiding the operation.

The battle was unacceptable. Rei was positioned behind Unit-01, ready to stagger ahead and defend it and the rifle if the Angel was able to retaliate.

The drill breached the Geofront, Shinji fired, the discharge shattered the shaft and annihilated the Angel. The battle ended and Rei was empty again. Given the plan she knew there was little chance for actual combat. She never knew lust, but the thirst for Shinji to show her his true face and satisfy her desires now sustained her. It was absolute and commanding; she needed it.

She failed this time. With such a weak Angel and NERV's determination to survive by the most cowardly means possible she had no opportunity. But the attacks would not stop with this. The Commander's comprehensive preparations, the NERV branches littered over the globe, the construction of more Evangelion units; all were proof of future chances. It was encouraging and frustrating.

Ikari's insistence on behaving like a socially acceptable human being further upset her efforts. If he insisted on this self-deception, she would have to find a way to use it to her advantage. The only thing of value Gendo ever taught her was that any obstacle could be broken given the right opportunity and preparations. Through study and rational calculation a human became little more than a mean to attain a desire.

Rei was aware what Dr. Katsuragi told the Third through careful observation of the commanders, mostly the Sub-Commander. Gendo was indifferent to the grievous breach in security, treating it like a minor coffee shortage in the cafeteria. It only reinforced the man's early lessons; exploitation led to fulfillment and realization of a sense of self. A father using a child, or a child using a memory.

Shinji's impetus to reap blood was simple enough. First for his mother. Then for her. Then for his own life, to preserve his mother. They were all connected. If something he wanted to keep was threatened with death only then his hate emerged free from the stifling bonds of human conscience.

A mother beast in the wild fought tooth and nail to safeguard her brood, even at the expense of her life. A child beast in man's world hewed anything in its path to preserve the empty womb it burst from, to defend its fantasy of possessing a connection with normal humans.

That was who Ikari saw, Rei thought. His imagined mother. A talisman to give him purpose. A perpetual justification to carry out any action.

All she had to do was replace his justification with one she could easily control, and then discard it entirely when the time was right. Rei had to rid him of the reliance on his pretext of guardianship, and grant him the beauty of his true face. Grant him the prize of wearing it forever beyond the pretense of man-made human conscience.

He needed a shield until he accepted his true self. Something to defend him while his teeth and claws fought to be released.

_My orders are to guard you,_ she thought. _Of course I must obey._

Her toes curled in her suit.

"I will protect you…" Rei said.

_Until you are free. You will not die. I will not allow it. My beast will not die._

"… as I was commanded to."

_Because my beast cannot die. Because_

You are mine.

* * *

End of chapter 4

Author notes: Asuka is getting a bad rap, isn't she? Admittedly she has taken a backseat so her appearances make her look bitchy, but she'll be a bit more prominent in later chapters.

OMAKE

"I just wanted to see how you were doing," Shinji said, trying to keep his stupid cheeks from getting too red. That's like Shinji trying to keep from being a pervert: impossible. "Are you okay?"

"What do you mean?" Rei asked.

"The guy who attacked you that day. Has he bothered you again?"

"Yes," she said.

"He has!? What did he do!?"

"He…" She tried to think of something that would make him truly pissed. "He talked smack about your mama."

"What?"

"He said your mama was like Unit-01; she needs a teenager inside her to function."

"Son of a _bitch!_" Shinji roared. He began stalking away, but stopped after a few steps. He sighed and the fury drained from him. "Actually, I guess I don't have any right to get mad. I really don't know anything about my mother. It's entirely possible she was a nympho pedophile."

"You're not angry?" Rei asked.

"Of course I am, but I shouldn't kill anyone for saying something appalling about a person I never knew." He shrugged. "Well, I guess I'll go angst for a while. See you later, Ayanami."

_Fuck,_ Rei thought.

"Wait." She paused until he stopped and turned to her. "He also… struck me?"

"… he did what?" Shinji whispered as his face went lax and his eyes glossed over.

"Yes. He struck me. Hard. It hurt. I believe I may have cried. He is a bad person. Because he struck me. Hard."

"Oh he did, did he?"

Shinji strode away carrying death in his hands.

"Score," Rei said. She ran after him.

She followed Shinji until he hunted Toji down to a rundown porno shop owned by a dangerous sex offender who didn't card.

"Alright," Toji said, hefting five garbage bags full of new purchases. "Time to go home and romance my right hand, since that's the only conscious or living thing that will ever touch my cock."

Shinji caught him as he was deciding which H film to watch first, Futa Furries 7 or Jugs 'n Rugs.

"I am going to painfully murder you."

"Huh?" Toji intelligently asked. "Hey, it's that effeminate kid who kicked the shit out of me. What are you doing here?"

"I… I just told you." Shinji sighed as total incomprehension met him. "Forget it. Time to berserk your ass."

He rushed forward and speared the jock's left eye with his thumb. As a result, he dropped his porn.

"No!" Toji cried. "My porn! Also, my eye!"

The maiming continued, achieving an unexpected sense of poetic brutality. Let's just say Toji won't need to buy porn ever again.

When Shinji began pummeling the boy with his own severed leg, Rei broke her silence, unable to contain her rapturous pleasure any longer.

"Ikari-kun, you stallion!" she cheered in ecstasy as she tore her shirt off. "Take me! Take me now!"

"Take you where?" Shinji asked, regaining lucidity as his single-minded bloodlust faded.

"… never mind. Sigh."


	5. Human Error

Adam Kadmon

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion. Duh.

* * *

"This footage was taken today from observation hub seventy-six outside Tokyo-2. The MAGI immediately gave it priority 2 classification and encrypted the transmission. As of now it is the only recording we know of."

The display monitor hummed to life. A wall of skyscrapers blocked the horizon, sunlight glinting over its edges. Windows flashed like eyes.

"The Angel was first sighted at 10:19. It wasn't projecting an AT Field."

It ambled onscreen amid the buildings without haste. Its headless upper body curved down in a crescent finishing with a pronged hand on either end, then tapered down into squat legs and clawed feet. The core lay embedded openly in its midsection.

"The military authorized the deployment of Japan Heavy Chemical Industry's Jet Alone robot, which they helped fund under the radar. It wasn't due to be publically announced for another two weeks, but the quick activation and lack of notification to NERV makes their intent clear.

"The JA's main power source is a self-contained nuclear reactor, giving it roughly one hundred-fifty days of consecutive operating power. It's controlled remotely from JHCI's headquarters in old Tokyo. It reached Tokyo-2 at 10:38."

The mech lumbered into sight, all piping and armor, the domed bulk of its upper body forcing it to hunch. Its left side bowed slightly from the weight of the giant hammer it carried.

"For a purely human creation, it isn't horrible."

The JA halted and turned at its waist to face the city. A dark mass slithered between the buildings. It came into view after cresting a street corner, its feet tearing through the pavement as several cars frantically raced for escape. The Angel stayed at the skirt of the city for a moment, then turned and continued along its path.

JSSDF VTOLs swept in and opened fire, drawing it out to the mech. The Jet Alone's torso twisted fully until its back faced forward. It lurched ahead and with a jolt of pressure spun its hammer in a blurring arc, swinging directly for the core.

"At least they know where to aim."

The Angel's AT Field unfolded with a flash of electric orange and the hammer smashed into it like an egg against a brick wall. The weapon's mace splintered and broke apart, as the outlying buildings imploded from the force of the strike.

The Angel lashed out and sliced one of the mech's arms off at the elbow. It stumbled back, and another attack sent it to the ground. The Angel pinned it with a clawed foot on its midsection, and slashed at its chest. The Jet Alone was hacked apart, white-hot streams of gas gushing from the tears.

More poured out until nothing but a violent swarming cloud could be seen. It sparked into a ball of scorching energy and rapidly expanded as the Jet Alone's nuclear reactor was breached and exploded. The screen flashed white then went black.

The lights in the conference room gradually came to a dim life. The Commanders sat at the head of a wide table before the monitor, flanked by Kaji and Shiro.

"When the Angel penetrated the JA's nuclear core," Naoko said, standing before them as a topographical map of Japan appeared behind her on the screen, "it detonated, obliterating three quarters of Tokyo-2." The map grew a sizable red circular splotch. "The city lacked our fast-action evacuation system. We don't have the exact numbers yet, but early estimates say two hundred thousand people may have been caught in the blast.

"They've already released radiation dampeners into the atmosphere to limit the spread of the fallout, though the EMP has disrupted a significant portion of the country. The public must be in a state of panic. The government has yet to issue a statement, but the military has already quarantined the surrounding forty miles. Their official explanation is the obvious radiation, but they're also trying to keep a lid on the Angel, and the JA, which they sponsored."

"Heads will definitely roll within the JSSDF and ruling party," Kaji said, "but no one of real importance or clout. Second-in-commands, aides, lieutenants, maybe a few from the higher-ups' inner circles to placate the masses over how this could happen under their watch; long story short those who backed the Jet Alone plan will still be around."

"But they'll be treading carefully for a while," Naoko said. "The MAGI's been monitoring JHCI's accounts long before we even learned of the JA Project. Within three minutes of the explosion their funds bottomed out. The government already severed financial ties with them. I don't expect any kind of public condemnation. At most, a rote declaration about the unfortunate risks of scientific progress."

"The JSSDF will be the ruling party's whipping boy while the public demands culpability," Fuyutsuki stated. He stared at the map. "JHCI can't be opened to scrutiny or the blame will be rightfully placed on the government. They'll handle the inquiry themselves, away from the cameras. But in the end they'll lose to us. The UN isn't always as blind as they make us think."

"Status of the Angel?" Gendo asked.

"It hasn't moved since the explosion," Naoko said. "It's most likely regenerating itself. We're not sure if the radiation had any effect, but the MAGI estimate it will begin moving again at 11:21, seventeen minutes from now. The JSSDF has begun mobilizing for redeployment, but I doubt they'll resort to an N2 mine given the circumstances. It's nothing but a reminder for us not to overstep our bounds." She paused to look at the Commander, and everyone else followed suit.

He stood, announcing the meeting was closed.

"Prep Units -00 and -01 for deployment to Tokyo-2. This is the opportunity to cement NERV as the only power capable of defeating the Angels. Do not waste it."

* * *

Filiation

Chapter 5: Human Error

* * *

_"The government__ gave us provisional authority over the situation,"_ Kaji announced over the comm. _"Officially, we're not __even here, meaning we're on our own."_

"As usual," Shinji muttered inside Unit-01. He was crouched on a forested hill overlooking a wide undulating plain. In the distance he saw the decimated remains of Tokyo-2 poking up from a vast crater of ash, lying dead beneath a colossal black cloud that swallowed the horizon. Behind him Rei waited in Unit-00, cradling a long-range rifle.

_"The army's managed to slow the Angel down,_ Shiro told them, _but it's up to you tw__o to stop it. The more it moves__ the more __land __it irradiates__but __Unit-01__'s armor can withs__tand a direct nuclear blast. Y__ou __aren't in danger of contamination.__ The rest of us__ however, are_

_"This is as close as we can get,"_ the Captain explained. _"We d__idn't have the time to __prepare__ enough shielding to__ protect us, and an airdrop in__ this kind __of atmospheric condition is impossible_

Shinji flicked a rear camera on and saw NERV's mobile command center several dozen feet behind him, flanked by two giant metal crates with spiraling towers, each snaking an umbilical cord to the Evas. He hefted up an oversized axe and gripped it tightly.

_"You're hooked up to generators, but it's not like we're in the city. __This is all you've got. __Fifteen__ minutes at full activation__, and__ another five from __the Eva's internal battery. So you'll have to move fast_

_"We won't get another shot this easily," _Shiro said._ "Victory means quick, efficient destruction of the Angel, not playing cleanup crew like the army is hoping. But they know if we fail the Angel won't be stopped."_

"What should we do?" Shinji asked, peering across the plain. Ballooning orange flares of artillery fire rolled through the air. VTOLs swarmed above the display, machine guns flickering in rapid staccato flashes.

_"T__he Angel is approximately six__ miles from your current position__Shinji-kun, you'll take point and __Rei__ will back you up with the rifle. __Unit-00's armor__ isn't as resistant__ as you__rs, so she'll have to stay back to avoid __contamination."_

_Lucky __me_ Shinji thought. _This is so stupid. __Putting__ a nuclear generator in a robot made for hand-to-hand combat. Even I know that's a dumb idea_

"So I just run up to it and kill it?" he asked.

_"When you reach the target__Rei__ will use the rifle to distract it,"_ Kaji ordered, _"then you take it down.__ I__t looks like its reaction time was dulled from the nuke. Hit it fast and it won't have time to counterattack. B__oth of you stay sharp and use your heads__. Move out."_

"Roger," Shinji said.

The release on the umbilical cord clicked open and Unit-01 burst from the tree line, the battery's power line flowing behind it. The Eva slid down the hill and hit the ground running. Shinji slung the axe over his shoulder and began to flank left as he approached the Angel while Rei took aim with the rifle.

"I see it," he said after two minutes when the Angel entered his sight.

It was obscured under the fiery bombardment from the JSSDF VTOLs, nothing but a mass of smoke, flame and limbs. Shinji continued to arc left, giving Unit-00 a clear shot. He was within a mile of the target when the fighters broke off and scattered, revealing the Angel in full.

Most of its body was scorched to bone white, cracked and flaky next to its natural orange coloring. Pockmarks and craters riddled its form. Its curving limbs were gnarled and warped. There was a subtle pressure being released around it, distorting the air like a mirage.

Shinji checked his energy reserves. He already expended over seven minutes. He stayed on his route, sacrificing time for position, and was rewarded with a strategic angle and the speed to utilize it. He swung his axe back and rushed forward as the Angel turned in his direction.

"AT Field neutralized," he said over the comm.

"Engaging," Rei responded, and fired three quick shots from the rifle.

The rounds slammed into the Angel, striking the chest and shoulder, the final shot blowing its left arm off at the elbow. The limb flopped to the ground and the Angel staggered back. Shinji charged into it at full speed and sank his axe into its exposed midsection. He used his momentum to tackle it to the earth and pin it with his body as thick blood splashed over his arms and chest.

Shinji held down the Angel's remaining arm and pulled out his Prog Knife. He jammed it into the core, twisting the blade as he pushed his weight on it. The squealing whine of metal carving bone flooded the tac net. He felt the angry shudder of the blade through his entire body as it gouged the Angel's hard shell, searching for the hot sticky insides.

Shinji dug his heels into the ground and braced against the Angel's attempts to escape and felt an unexpected mass crash onto his right ankle.

"What the—?"

He spun his head and saw the arm Rei shot off scrambling up Unit-01's right leg to the armor joint behind the knee. It bent at the wrist as it climbed, displaying the ragged remains of its forearm.

Shinji pushed off the Angel and stumbled away, trying to reach down and stay on guard for a counterattack as his foe struggled to its feet.

_"Shinji-kun,"_ Kaji said, _what__ are you doing?"_

"It—it's on me. I can't—"

He broke off with a wail of agony as the Angel's claws sank into the exposed back of his kneecap. Unit-01 collapsed, dropping the Prog Knife as it reflexively clutched its leg. Shinji cried out again as the Angel slashed his back. He began crawling away, ineffectually swatting at his enemy to keep it at bay.

_Rei_ Kaji commanded, _"give Shinji-kun some cover_

She fired twice, the first shot sending the Angel reeling back from Unit-01. The second crashed into an AT-Field. Without Unit-01 to neutralize it, the Angel's defenses were at the ready.

Shinji struggled up on his good knee as the Angel loomed over him, its single claw raised to strike. He took the blow full on the face and toppled over on his side. He rolled and came up in a crouch, then abruptly fell again as his knee exploded in a gush of blood.

"It's… _in_ me," Shinji snarled through his teeth.

_"Armor breach!"_ Maya yelled. _"It's digging into Unit-01!"_

_"Cut his synch. Try to minimize the feedback."_

_"I can't. Unit-01's __internal systems are being__ irradiated by the An__gel. It's affecting our__ remote__ access_

_Rei_ Kaji said after watching Shinji get attacked again. _"Get over there and rescue Unit-01."_

_"Captain, Unit-00 isn't equipped to—"_

_"We don't have a__ny__alternative__Rei__, get going."_

She dropped her rifle and sprinted ahead, deploying her Prog Knife.

Inside Unit-01's plug, Shinji slammed his knee up to his chest and clawed at his leg. Through the pain and his suit he couldn't feel his fingers. He dug his teeth into his knee.

The plug shuddered angrily and his leg pitched up, snapping his teeth closed on his cheek. Blood oozed from his lips as he looked up to see the Angel bring its claw down on him again. The Eva convulsed from the blow and Shinji lashed out with his hands. He felt his palms and fingers split apart on the Angel's talons. Attacked from above and its hand shredding the insides of his leg, Shinji was trapped.

"Help me!" he cried as he was struck again.

Rei reached Unit-01 in less than four minutes, not bothering to approach at a tactical angle. The Eva's internal temperature control system lowered the plug a half degree as atmospheric warnings sounded.

"Ayanami!" Shinji screamed. His Eva was huddled in a pool of blood, its arms in torn open from defending its body.

Rei barreled into the Angel without hesitation, sending them tumbling away in a heap of limbs from the brutalized Unit-01. Maya cut in over the comm. line, reporting Unit-00 was being compromised by the radiation and wouldn't last long at such a close range.

Shinji collapsed on his face as another tendon in Unit-01's leg was severed.

"Damn it," he hissed. He listened to Rei's voice quietly straining from the exertion of grappling the Angel, her Evangelion's armor splintering, blood splattering the ground. The tac net crackled with Kaji's orders. Alarms blared in his ears. He felt the Angel's claws burrowing into his bones.

_No choice. I'm sorry, mother._

Shinji dug his fingers into the ground and pulled his body to his Prog Knife. He seized it and turned on his back, took a breath, then jammed the blade into his thigh above the knee.

His vision blurred, black splotches exploding before his eyes. His throat contracted painfully, blocking the scream and vomit rushing to his lips. He forced his hands to grip the handle and used his weight to push down, splitting his leg open. Twitching red muscle folded apart with the gash to display the polished bone.

Shinji wrenched his body away from the wound and let the knife sever his left leg completely. He felt a massive weight abandon him along with a torrent of blood, and the vomit finally burst out of his mouth. He pitched forward to dry heave after his stomach was empty, and saw the Angel's arm squirming in the gaping end of his severed leg. The knife lay beside it, humming in a pile of metal and gore.

The howl of agony exploded from his body next, and for the first time in his life he truly wanted to die, just to escape this. Pain hammered him and he quickly went cold, his vision fading as he was pulled down into comforting darkness.

_Stop! __Don't pass out. __Use it. Use the pain__. Use it and save her. She is going to die._

It was power. Pain to motivate him, to return it in kind.

_Thi__s is nothing. This is nothing for__ her._

Shinji rolled onto his stomach and gagged. His body was tingling, nearly numb from the mutilation. He ordered his body to rise and move.

Unit-01 scrambled over the ground on its hands, leg and the stump of a knee. The Eva tackled the Angel from behind, sending it over its back. Shinji twisted his body and grabbed hold of the axe he left in the Angel's side, and held it down.

Rei was at his side in an instant to ram her Prog Knife down on the core. It shuddered and cracked, shards of bone leaping up to scratch their faces. Shinji didn't notice; there was nothing for him but pain and the need for vengeance. To make it feel what he did. He watched the core splinter with furious satisfaction.

It suddenly shook, then lost its rigidity and spread into a figure eight, trying to split into two. The cores struggled to separate, too weak from the attack and the explosion, then regained their solid state, still connected and fractured. Rei immediately attacked.

"Hurry," she said.

Her voice cleared him a degree and Shinji glanced up at his power display. Unit-01 had forty-one seconds left. He had no weapon and didn't want one. Shinji sank his thumb into a rupture on the second core and pushed as hard as he could.

Rei broke through first and pierced the core. The Angel went still, then abruptly reanimated and healed the wound Unit-00 gave it, though it remained spider-webbed with cracks. Shinji received the same result when he pried the Angel open with his hands.

The activation time dwindled. Shinji hammered uselessly against his enemy. After a moment Unit-00 stood and tore the axe from the Angel's side. Rei hefted it over her head and swung it down lengthwise along the joined cores. With the accumulated strain and damage, they shattered under the force of the blade. The Angel's body went limp as thick blood bubbled up to the wound. Crimson spurted up then dissolved to pinpricks of red in the air as a pillar of intense light erupted from the dead shell and engulfed Rei and Shinji whole.

* * *

"At least it's dead," Shiro said.

"That was the objective," Kaji replied.

Floodlights cut through the night and saturated the makeshift camp, illuminating the various vehicles, craft, bunkers and repair facilities NERV set up following the battle. The emergency team that arrived was little more than a retrieval crew for the Evas, and as such was unable to secure the area before the military returned to seize control of the situation. Ostensibly it was to restrict any contamination, but the number of VTOLs, tanks and infantry said otherwise.

"You'd think they would have the decency to know when they're beat."

With their provisional authority expired along with the Angel, NERV had no choice but to accept the confinement. The JSSDF set up a perimeter line and air defense, effectively keeping anything from getting in or out while they conducted radiation surveys.

Kaji and Shiro stood by NERV's mobile command center, watching the military abuse their influence. Maya was beside them holding a clipboard with data from the attack and the MAGI's post-battle instructions.

"How long is the cleanup going to set us back?" Kaji asked.

"Quite a while," Maya said as she consulted the data. "Unit-00 needs almost all of its outer armor layers replaced, and Dr. Akagi is preparing to upgrade it to help prevent problems like this in the future."

"Unit-01?"

"Nearly twenty percent of its internal composition was irradiated, including most of its regulatory systems. The Angel inflicted damage to the hands, arms, chest and head. And we'll have to completely reconstruct the leg Shinji-kun, um, removed." She fidgeted, trying to push out the memory of the child cutting off his own limb. "At least Unit-02's final restoration is almost finished. But we're going to be stretched pretty thin during the repairs."

"So one more thing won't matter." The Captain looked out over the plain to the wide jagged crater where the Angel exploded. VTOLs circled above, tiny specks on the black horizon, keeping watch over the recovery of the Evangelion units. "Have Akagi prep the simulation chambers. We need to get those kids different combat training. Less conventional. Lately I feel all we've been doing is repairing the Evas."

"The Commander isn't going to be happy we let the JSSDF get this close to them," Maya said.

"Then let him. We're not equipped to say no to the army right now."

"This is certainly a fine display from the government," Shiro said after a moment. He gazed out at the camp's activity. "Like a swarm of ants scrambling to make a hill."

Maya followed his sight, unable to make the connection. It was a little too cynical for her.

"Say, Ibuki," Kaji said, half-turning towards her. "Could you get me a coffee? It's been a long day. Thanks."

She stiffened, staring at him in disbelief. She bit back her obvious retort, about the respect she knew she deserved from her position, both professionally and personally. She was assistant to arguably the smartest person on the planet. She was his lover. She was not his secretary.

But she was a woman, and he was a man, and this was NERV. She took a quick breath and adopted the role of obedience expected of her. She learned when dealing with her superiors, in and out of work, how to sacrifice pride for effectiveness. Unlike NERV, she knew how to pick her battles.

"Of course, Captain," Maya said. She turned on her heel and left without another word.

_Could they be any more obvious?_ Shiro thought. For a man who valued secrecy as much as he did, Kaji was terrible at hiding things.

"The government will have its hands full for a while," Kaji was saying. "They have no choice now but to give NERV priority command regarding future Angel attacks." He gestured vaguely to the surrounding forces. "This little spectacle is a sad attempt to intimidate us. They know they can't stand up to the Evas or the Angels. Is this supposed to scare us?"

"It should," Shiro said. "We may have three Evangelions at our disposal, but NERV was not built to withstand an assault by humans. Our defenses are strictly Angel-oriented. It would be costly, but they would eventually take headquarters. If it came to that."

"You've thought about this before," Kaji said quietly. He leaned against the transport. "Until the Angels stop appearing, excuse me, if they stop appearing the government won't touch us. But after that…" He looked up at the night sky but couldn't see past the camp lights. "Fighting humans isn't the same as fighting Angels. I'll submit some recommendations to Ikari."

"I already have."

"What?" The Captain swallowed the flash of anger at being undercut. "What did you suggest?"

"Weapon training for all staff members, body armor, explosives planted in the corridors, reinforced doors and paneling, exterior defenses…" He dismissed it with a wave. "Ikari said he'll take it under consideration. That was three years ago."

"Is he placing his confidence in the Evas alone? In the Children?"

Shiro didn't respond, and Kaji forced his smirk not to surface. Playing the uninformed, green officer around the doctor was always an effective way to collect information. It made the man's penchant to hear himself talk less excruciating.

The Commander never showed trust in anything beyond himself. The Evas and the Children, even NERV itself were all disposable resources and nothing more. Meaning he either had another ace up his sleeve or he didn't care if the government attacked headquarters. Kaji knew Gendo was too smart not to realize the JSSDF was an inevitable threat, so why wasn't he doing anything to prepare for it?

"Captain?" Maya returned with a Styrofoam cup and handed it to him with a modest, stiff bow. "Your coffee, sir."

"Thanks." _It's going to be lonely for a while._

"How do you think Rei and Shinji-kun are doing?" she asked, hoping to change the mood. "They were both pretty dazed when the retrieval team got them out of the plugs."

"Just some injuries from synch feedback," Kaji said after a sip from his drink. It tasted terrible and wondered if it was on purpose. "They'll be fine."

"I hope so. I'll feel better when we can run a full examination. There was barely enough time to secure them before the JSSDF showed up. They've already been cooped up for hours."

"They'll have to grin and bear it. Putting them in our isolation chamber was a necessary sacrifice. Since we couldn't get the Children out before our guests arrived, we had to quickly find another way to safeguard them from any attempts by the army to hush up the JA debacle. Quarantining them under the excuse of possible radiation exposure keeps the army's itchy trigger finger in check until they run back to their masters with their tail between their legs. Even the JSSDF can't waste time with this little standoff forever."

"Though those chambers are pretty small," Maya said, with a discreet cough.

"Well, it's about time a little luck came to one of them."

"What do you mean, 'luck'?"

"It's all in how you look at it," Kaji said with a grin.

"Um, I don't think Shinji-kun would… try anything. The recovery squad said he was barely conscious. And for you to suggest—"

"Calm down," he said. "No need to get upset. And I wasn't referring to his luck."

"… Rei?"

"I found her watching Shinji-kun's battle footage in one of the media rooms a couple days ago. The one from the camera inside the plug. She was concentrating pretty hard. I think she was a little miffed I saw her. Just struck me as odd. Odder than usual."

Shiro rubbed his temple. He didn't want to think about the implications.

"She is a teenager," Kaji said. "Sort of."

"I never would have guessed," Maya said, covering a grin with her hand. "It's kind of cute."

"So now you're okay with them alone together?" He held a hand up as she began to stammer. "I'm sure nothing indecent will happen. For newlyweds like them, the honeymoon is just a source of anxiety."

* * *

_This isn'__t awkward_ Shinji told himself. _Not at all._

He was in a drab grey room, the size of a low-class motel hovel but without the cheap attempted illusion of comfort. It was stripped of everything but the necessities, and those were cramped by economical spacing and various jutting filters and piping.

Shinji lay on his futon staring at the naked metallic ceiling. It was a mess of grating and tubes like the walls. NERV didn't have the time or courtesy to put up anything to cover them and Shinji hated it. He knew where he was and couldn't be fooled into thinking otherwise.

He turned to his side and saw the other bedding spread on the floor beside him little more than an arm's length away. A detached, lonely kind of masculinity found the novelty of his first roommate being a girl mildly exciting. Shinji forced down any genuine thrill from imagined prospects; since arriving in Tokyo-3 he learned if he suppressed all hope, it made reality less disappointing.

Devoid of hope, nothing but the fear of the situation remained. He was in a very small, very secluded room with nothing but a closet-sized bathroom and two futons less than three feet apart to separate his thoughts from Rei's body. And a locked door to trap them inside. Not awkward at all.

_I'm just sharing a room with a weird girl who can go from__ totally ignoring me one day to__kind of __holding a__conversation the next._

He listened to the shower run from the adjoining washroom. He offered it to Rei first and she took it without a word. Shinji wasn't operating on any kind of chivalry; he merely wanted some time alone to rework the panic of being alone with a girl into something that wouldn't end in humiliation or physical pain.

The loose gown the doctors gave him after they hosed down his plugsuit wasn't helping prevent those probabilities. The only other thing he was allowed to wear was the thick bandage on his leg. While it was a kindly reminding presence of terror and death, it was not foolproof. And Shinji readily admitted he was a fool. But as long as things remained the status quo all he had to do was stay quiet.

Rei hadn't spoken to him since the battle and Shinji was certain he offended her somehow. Did she think he was weak asking for help? Or pathetic when he cried out in pain? Was she angry she had to rely on herself to kill the Angel? Maybe it was simply post-battle stress. This was her first actual fight. Perhaps it was something completely unrelated, something private and upsetting she didn't want to tell him about.

_M__aybe I __did scare__ her when I sort of kicked that guy's ass._

It became a secret, guilty pleasure to think about that. Shinji held few romantic notions that weren't slaughtered as he lived life, but the idea of saving a girl and becoming closer because of her gratitude forcibly resurfaced recently. His memory already reshaped the fight into something acceptable to remember.

He no longer saw blood or teeth on his sneakers. There was only Rei in danger and he coming to her rescue. He didn't even recall the face of the boy who attacked her. If Shinji allowed himself to, he'd have to admit what he did, and what he almost did. The fight was nothing more than a muddled episode of vague heroism now. It was safe.

He wanted to believe he was close to Rei, at least closer than with Asuka, although he had to admit he knew virtually nothing about either. From his limited experience with the two, he imagined Asuka brushing the event off and calling him a sadistic freak. Shinji thought better of it, and decided she probably would have beat that kid into the ground before he ever touched her.

Rei wasn't breaking the impression he formed either, but she had spoken to him before in a, at the very least, civil manner. While she didn't start conversations, she didn't ignore him either. It was implicit acceptance to Shinji. She tolerated him, like he was normal. Like he wasn't an unwanted child. Like he had more to define his existence than being a pilot. And presented with that, Shinji could not talk about that day at school if she didn't first.

"She hasn't brought it up," he whispered. "It would be nice if she at least showed some kind of emotion regarding it."

Maybe she was still rattled from the assault. Maybe she was trying to figure out her feelings. Maybe she was shy and wondering how she could thank him properly.

_Or maybe I'm a complete jackass,_ Shinji thought. _Ayanami's__pretty much __a trained soldier. I'm sure she knows what she feels__ and I am sure she isn't rattled__. I need to stop thinking about crap like this. There are more important things going on then my pathetic need to get off__. I wish I had underwear._

He rolled onto his side and curled his knees up to his chest. The move made the phantom pain of the Angel's barbed claws shredding his leg shoot through him, and he spasmed uncontrollably.

The other battles came skittering back. The sensation of burning tendrils squirming through his forearm, his fingers burrowing into steaming flesh, blood and fire showering his body—

"Stop it," he hissed. "Stop it. Stop it."

He wanted to cry, to scream, to do something. He clutched his head and waited for his memory to release him.

_Stop it!_

The bathroom door slid open. Shinji's eyes snapped over his shoulder and he saw Rei walk out wearing nothing but a wet towel slung around her neck. Remotely, he wondered why she didn't take the issued second gown with her into the bathroom. He frantically looked to his side and saw it sealed in a plastic bag behind her pillow.

"Wh-what are you doing!?" he cried, bolting up.

"Changing," Rei said without looking at him. She let the towel fall to the floor and walked to her bed.

"But you're… you're naked!"

"I do not shower with clothes on," she replied. She picked up the new gown's bag and tore it open.

"You… you… why didn't you take that in with you!?"

"There was no need."

"You can't just… you—"

Shinji swallowed the ash filling his mouth and he stared. It was something he forced himself to ignore since he arrived in NERV, but alone with her, presented with her body, he was painfully reminded how attractive he thought she was.

He accepted almost as soon as he became aware of wanting to see a girl's body that he never would. He knew everyone considered him a loser, and since joining NERV he was reconciled to the fact he would probably die before his next birthday.

Despite that, he watched. He failed not to hope and found he didn't care.

It was like she was made, carved from the purest flesh to create an idealized form. He couldn't see any blemishes or discolorations. She was perfectly symmetrical. She moved with unhurried natural grace.

Her skin was pale and satisfying to his eye. Her breasts delicate lissom globes each tipped with a small nipple, something he found incredibly erotic. Everything about her was supple and alluring, an inviting temptation. The flash of coiling blue pubic hair where her stomach slid down between her thighs, the long slender legs.

Shinji felt his erection throb against his thigh. He gulped a breath and tried to think.

Didn't she care he was here, watching her? He dismissed the idea of Rei being an exhibitionist, or putting on a show to tease him. Both were too surreal to consider seriously. And the idea she liked him never entered his consciousness. She was just going through the motions, the normal tedium of dressing at a casual pace.

_Casual?_ he thought faintly as she began tying the gown's back. _No one dresses this slowly._

Rei idly touched her hair and her hand came away wet. She bent to retrieve the towel from the floor, and her gown lifted over her backside.

Shinji lurched off the futon and headed for the bathroom. He did not look back and blindly shut the door. He collapsed against it and ran a shaky hand over his face. It crept down to his neck, slick with sweat. He felt dizzy.

_I really don't need this._

* * *

Shinji woke.

The delusion of sleep broke apart, letting color and form invade his eyes. The last thing he remembered was laying on his side away from Rei, listening to her slow, even breath as she slept.

With the first dim blink he took as his consciousness struggled to revive he felt his cheek resting on warmth. His face scrunched and he reluctantly let his vision acclimatize. His eyes grasped two lightly compressed bare thighs ascending in a subtle crease before disappearing beneath the starchy flaps of a large gown.

_This isn't normal,_ Shinji thought distantly. He pushed his sight further up.

Rei was bowed above him staring into his eyes. The side of his face lay against her knees.

There was a moment before the reality of the situation crashed into his awareness that he let himself enjoy how warm she was. It ended faster then it occurred and he twisted away from her.

"What are you doing?" he panted, pushing back until he hit the wall. "What the hell are you doing?"

"You looked troubled," Rei said. She sounded completely composed. "It was unacceptable."

"… what? Why?"

"I was ordered to protect you."

"That… that was... it was just an order for the battle. The battle's over."

"The battle is not over," Rei said. "There will be more Angels." She leaned forward just enough to make him flatten his body against the wall. "We need to protect our own kind."

_Okay,_ Shinji thought in desperation. _Okay. She's just asking fo__r an__ assurance we'll watch each oth__er's back during a fight. __I can do that._

"Of course," he said, still trying to control his breath. "I mean, we're, I guess, comrades, right? We have to protect each other."

She took his agreement like it was the only response he could give.

"Yes." She crawled towards him on hands and knees. "I failed today. I will not fail again."

"I… y-you didn't fail." In the near dark Shinji was made aware how red her eyes truly were. Her face faded away when he stared into them, like they were floating in the shadows. He felt like he was floating, too. "You saved me. I never got to say it, but thank you. I—"

She reached out and laid a palm on his injured thigh.

"There is no need. I protect what must be protected. What gives me purpose. Will you?"

Shinji ran a claw over his wet forehead. He clamped his jaw shut and forced his breath to slow through his nose. He forgot she was holding his leg. Her hand's blazing heat no longer made him hard.

She was speaking like Dr. Katsuragi had. Shinji didn't want to think about it because he already knew what he had to do. It was the only thing he could do. There was nothing here he could control.

"Will you?" she asked again.

"Yes," he said. He shut his eyes. "Of course I will."

She sat back on her calves. Her hands reached out to him, the fingers opening like blooming flowers.

"You are still troubled. You need to rest."

He was tired of pretending to be strong, of pretending to be the courageous hero. He was tired of playing the apathetic teen who didn't care about other people. He was just so tired of it all.

"Rest," Rei said, her voice yielding and ethereal. She held his face and lowered his head onto her lap. She smelled of faint seawater, of unobtrusive blood. "Rest, and know I am watching you."

Shinji went without resistance.

* * *

End of chapter 5

Author notes: okay. The atmospheric dampeners or whatever I called them to contain the radioactive fallout is utter bullshit. But I don't want to deal with the realistic consequence of a nuke, that being hundreds of miles of fallout.

Furthermore, radiation poisoning is chronic with some nasty symptoms. But again, I don't want to deal with reality. Let's say in 2015 they developed a functioning androstenediol for humans or something.

The description of Jet Alone was from the Evangelion 2 PS2 game released in Japan. While it didn't have the adorable uselessness of the anime version, it made a bit more sense from a military standpoint. And it displayed the depths of my otakuness.

Rei is devious, isn't she? Hee hee hee…

Some of you sharper readers might be wondering where Gaghiel is. To that, I say fuck Gaghiel. I've already screwed with continuity by murdering a main character; I'll damn well skip any Angel I want. Meaning Matariel can kiss his acidic ass goodbye.

OMAKE

"This is your dumbest plan yet," Naoko told Kaji. Despite the bridge's strict no smoking policy due to severe damage to the computer systems, she pulled out a cigarette to calm her nerves. She thought better of it, and took out a blunt instead.

"Quiet, old hag. Who's the under-qualified, bumbling strategy guy around here?"

"Sadly, that would be you. But honestly, a coordinated dance attack? Dare I ask why?"

"Simple," Kaji said. "On the off chance the Angel can split itself in two and each half has to be destroyed simultaneously. Do I have to spell it out for you, grandma?"

"You stupid son of a bitch."

"Hate you too, you fat, frigid, decrepit whore."

Just then Asuka burst into the bridge, followed closely by Shiro.

"Wait!" he called after the girl. "Let me project my dead daughter onto you some more!"

"Not now, Dr. Apathy!" Asuka jabbed a finger at her absentee guardian and old science lady. "You two! What the hell are you thinking, isolating the First and Third! Together! It's just asking for crazy Shinji to hit puberty and assault miss mannequin!"

"Oh my God," Kaji groaned, "can't you ever _shut up?_"

"Calm down, Asuka," Naoko soothed, a master of being insincere to people she hated. "We're checking up on them now."

The main view screen blinked to life, displaying Rei and Shinji's shared room where they spent downtime between intense DDR training sessions. Everyone openly gawked in disbelief for several dozen minutes.

"Wow," Kaji said, staring up at the oversized monitor. "I know I told them to try hard to work together, but I have to admit I was skeptical."

"You and everyone else," Naoko murmured in wonder, eyes glued to the screen as well. "I thought Rei would just adjust her pace to his and follow along. I never imagined she'd take the initiative."

"She definitely took the initiative, but Shinji-kun caught up quickly. Quicker than I expected him to."

"Yes, and now he's giving her a run for her money. Look at him. How can he move like that for so long without passing out from fatigue? Stunning."

"Truly."

"Is that jealousy I hear?" Naoko said in a smiling voice.

"Just admiration," Kaji said absently. "The boy's a natural. He never displayed this level of ability or stamina during the preliminary drills."

"Perhaps because they were simply drills. In a real encounter he's motivated to give it all he's got." She shook her head vaguely. "Rei looks exhausted, but she's not giving up. I've never seen her so determined and enthusiastic."

"Remind me to scramble the janitorial squads when they're done. They've made quite a mess."

"He's a beast," Shiro finally said, until now awed into silence.

"You're all sick," Asuka muttered.


	6. Scalene

Adam Kadmon

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion

* * *

Torn magazines on the floor, men's clothes scattered over the furniture and only six broken dishes. It looked better than he expected. Shiro walked over a week's worth of unopened mail and entered Kaji's apartment.

The front hall flowed directly to a short counter separating the kitchen and living room. He turned left to the latter and navigated around empty soda cans and half-eaten instant meals littering his path. The beige carpet underfoot was drizzled with stains.

The door was before him. Its surprisingly modest plaque displaying her name was gone. He saw the screw holes in the wood. They were chipped and leaking cracks down the frame.

"Asuka," he said. He used his cane to knock softly. "It's Dr. Katsuragi."

He did not receive an answer and slid it open. Though she appeared to use her floor to display everything she owned, compared to the rest of the apartment her bedroom appeared unharmed. It seemed everything beyond this sanctuary was her outlet. Shiro suddenly lost his curiosity to see what Kaji's room looked like.

Asuka was in bed on her side, facing the wall away from him. Her hair reached out limply to the floor from her covers like an oozing splatter of red paint. The window above her was shuttered and dark.

"The apartment's a little messy," he said. "It was difficult to maneuver." He tapped his cane against his shoe.

He watched her body's slow breathing fade to a normal flow as she abandoned the pretense of sleep. He waited.

"Go away," she said finally.

Her voice was calm. Shiro felt a pang of dread but kept quiet, knowing Asuka would not stay silent for long. He was probably the first human contact she had in days. Kaji belonged to the childrearing school of autonomous self-regulation: if a kid had a problem, it was best to let them figure out the solution on their own. That was how the Captain was raised, and Shiro was less than pleased with the results.

Despite her self-sufficiency Asuka craved attention and reinforcement. Without them, this was the result; isolation, brooding, and self-recrimination. Left alone she had too much time to think, and far too much to think about.

She snorted softly through her nose and pulled the sheets closer to her head.

"Did Mr. Conflict Avoidance send you to check up on me?" she asked.

"Contrary to popular belief, Kaji doesn't know how to interact with women." He was sure to use the word women. "I'm not here to check up on you. I'm here to see you."

He took a seat at her desk in the corner, turning the chair to see her. He rested his forearms on the head of his cane.

"Though I did borrow his keycard," he continued. "At least I think he would have let me borrow it, so asking permission was unnecessary." He reminded himself why he never told jokes. "It's been hectic lately. Sorry I didn't come sooner."

"No one asked you to."

Unlike Kaji, Shiro had at least a cursory understanding of teenage girls. Asuka, for all her intelligence and motivation within NERV, was still ruled by emotions. He wanted to blame it on puberty, but he knew because she tried so hard to bury her childhood she was less equipped now to manage any childish urges.

Kaji was hardly a demanding parental figure, but Asuka's current mentality kept her under his control. If she was levelheaded enough to see what was truly going on around her with regards to NERV and its commanding officers, Shiro genuinely feared for his safety.

Part of her training as a pilot was to focus narrowly on accomplishing goals set before her. She always had difficulty separating the two aspects of her life, of being a Children and being a child. For her, they each became a means to the other; if she was a pilot she could prove her existence, and if she existed she had to pilot to prove it.

Because the two aspects were so entwined Asuka approached life as a battle she had to win. And when she judged anything she did or didn't do as a failure, it devastated her. He never imagined her first battle would end so terribly. As he thought on it, Shiro realized even when she believed she succeeded she wasn't happy.

_We've completely ruined her,_ he thought. _She won't be a pilot forever. She'll never be happy._

"You haven't been to school in quite a while," he said. "Rei and Shinji-kun are back. I think they've become friends." _If friends parade around nude trying to seduce each other._ "It may loosen both of them up. So I'm sure they'd like to get to know you better."

He was used to dealing with anger from his calculated misreading of situations, and employed it again to make Asuka remember what her use was. Refocus her competitiveness against someone besides herself.

"How did they beat those Angels?" she asked, still composed.

"With difficulty and luck," Shiro said, caught off guard by her response. He supposed she wasn't so isolated after all.

"Tell me about it."

"The first one they fought together was the third to attack the city," he said, abandoning his previous plan for a no-nonsense approach. "After its initial strike it began burrowing towards headquarters with a drill. We set up a positron rifle beneath the projected breach point to fire straight up, and then we waited. If you want to get dramatic, it was rather anti-climactic. All the Eva needed to do was pull the trigger."

Shiro paused for her to comment. She did not.

"I'm not sure if you heard about the explosion that leveled Tokyo-2," he went on, "but it was caused by a nuclear-powered robot built by an industrial company trying to challenge NERV's influence. It never stood a chance against the Angel.

"Units -00 and -01 were scrambled, and after a rather… unpleasant battle, they won." He waited again, and received silence again. "We have the recordings at the base," he said quickly.

"Are Unit-01 and -00 okay?" she asked idly.

"Just some moderate radiation exposure. They've been scrubbed." He took a breath to cover his hesitation. "Unit-02 is nearly repaired as well. We've scheduled an activation test for Thursday morning, to see if the restoration affected the synchronization systems."

"You mean to see if I was affected by failing so completely," she said. Her voice was still even.

He was again thrown off balance by her shift in conversation.

"We know you'll be able to—"

"Don't say that," Asuka hissed at the wall. "Do not say that. I don't need anyone to tell me what I can do." She made the effort to calm down. "I am not the First or that child the Third. I do not need someone to depend on for a purpose or an empty parental figure to give me a sense of identity. Don't treat me like I do."

Shiro listened to the girl's breath quickly return to normal. He glanced around the room. With the lights off and the crushing silence of the apartment, it felt like a crypt. A dark place to secret away the remains of a person and then forget about it.

He never told anyone, but he abhorred enclosed spaces. He didn't call it claustrophobia because it wasn't fear. It was hate. He hated the walls defining his environment, the same fetid air drawn in and out his body, the uniformity forcing the strained thoughts in his head to remain there without anything to distract them.

It was the same when he was in the escape capsule. It was a coffin floating atop a blind sea. His elbows pressed the sides. His knees pushed against the ceiling. The sweet stench of blood slithered up his nose. The emergency rations became sour memories in his mouth as he drifted for six days waiting for rescue or death. His hands refused to open the hatch and look out. He refused to see what he created. He refused to let himself remember that unconscious girl.

"Everyone's ganging up on me," Asuka said. It snapped Shiro's attention back to her. "But it's nothing new," she continued. "I can deal with it because I've always dealt with it. I do not need help. So just leave me alone."

"You can't deal with anything if you stay locked in here," he said.

_Because I locked myself in that capsule and left you alone to—_

Shiro's head ticked sideways and half of his mouth cringed.

Are you serious? You're looking for sympathy from me? I'm thrilled she's leaving you.

"I said leave me alone," Asuka snapped. "Get out of my room." She sighed angrily when he did not move. "I'll be there on Thursday, alright? Satisfied? Can you finally go now?"

"Okay." Shiro rose to his feet with a minor struggle. He wiped his sweaty forehead. "It's at eight in the morning. If you want a ride, I'll give Kaji a shove towards the parking lot."

He waited a moment, but she did not say anything else. He left.

Shiro's cell rang as he locked the apartment. The ID read Maya. He swore.

"_Hello, Dr. Katsuragi,"_ she said sounding chipper, even for her. _"The Captain was wondering if you could do him a favor. We have a guest arriving today and he hoped you could pick her up."_

"Not that I don't appreciate being considered his errand boy, but why can't he?"

"_The Captain thought you should handle this, since you know her better. It's always nice to be greeted by a friend."_

Shiro agreed because it was what Ibuki needed to hear to leave him alone. He pocketed the phone and took the elevator to the apartment complex parking lot. A Section car growled to life as he appeared.

"The airport," Shiro told the agent driving as he slipped into the backseat.

He made himself forget the date, because it was nothing but the beginning of another headache. He wasn't dreading it, and he certainly wasn't afraid. It was just the inevitable complications that would arise, both personally and professionally. But he knew he was the logical choice to play the part of welcoming committee.

Tokyo-3's streets were swarming with people. After the JA explosion the surrounding city's populaces began a steady migration to NERV's fortress capital, embracing the lesser of two fears to preserve their survival.

NERV was quietly supporting the city's businesses, expanding the job market and economy, to both keep the recent refugees and attract new ones. With Japan's government and the JSSDF loss of credibility and influence domestically and internationally, the UN was eager to loosen its restraint over NERV's budget proposals, opting to allow Ikari to quickly restore a semblance of order over keeping him in check.

The Section car reached the airfield, a sprawling area littered with maintenance bunkers and storehouses, shadowed by a soaring control tower bristling with antennae. Shiro exited the car without a word. He passed two security checkpoints to find a lonely guard behind a glass booth, who opened the final gate and waved him through.

The airfield was virtually abandoned. It was privately owned and operated by NERV, though representatives from the overseas branches never visited Japan. It was used for foreign dignitaries and UN leaders. On the unusual occasion a NERV meeting required an actual face-to-face presence, the Commander always scheduled it out of the country. Shiro could never be sure whether Gendo did it for protection of his domestic privacy, to further his image of power as the main branch's head, or as a strategic performance of submissive cooperation.

The sky ahead was clear save a dusting of cloud on the horizon. A black jet was floating in the blue, slowly gaining size and definition as it swept down to the tarmac. Shiro watched from the gate as it bowed to the air and landed with a shuddering growl.

The subsonic jet whined to a halt and a mobile staircase rolled to its door. A woman emerged as the engines were still humming. She descended the stairs holding her skirt down and dark brown hair in place. She caught sight of someone waiting for her and she hurried to the gate. She slowed as she saw who it was, and adopted a pleased smile. She walked until her voice could conquer the jet.

"What a pleasant surprise," she said. "It's been entirely too long, Dr. Katsuragi."

"Hello," Shiro said, "Ritsuko."

* * *

Filiation

Chapter 6: Scalene

* * *

The Section car rolled back through Tokyo-3's downtown en route to NERV. It was seven past noon and the streets were clouded with businessmen on lunch break. It was a disorganized horde, the new residents colliding with the old as they discovered the city.

Ritsuko gazed idly out the window in the backseat. She wore an aloof grin as the crowds blurred past. Shiro sat beside her, his cane planted between his feet. He stared straight ahead through the tinted windshield.

"How are things?" he asked.

"Nothing ever changes in Germany," Ritsuko said. "Even less so in NERV." She smiled and brushed away the hair tickling her ear. "People are afraid, and the government pays us for a sense of security. But it isn't just there. That Jet Alone business has eased the reluctance to trust NERV. Or at least the reluctance to stomach our demands."

"I wouldn't call it a stroke of luck but you're right. Fear is the strongest motivator."

"Of course. No one from NERV can argue with the end results, although it was a bit flashy, even for Ikari."

"What do you mean?" Shiro asked.

"Don't be coy. You can't tell me he didn't have anything to do with the JA's deployment."

"No, he didn't. None of us did."

"Really? Well, you have to admit it was his style. Though it's the same either way. NERV is now the only option mankind has against the Angels."

It only cost tens of thousands of lives. Shiro was glad someone else said it first.

"How much has that new status aided the German branch?" he asked to gently shift the subject.

"About two hundred billion's worth next quarter," Ritsuko stated blandly." Not as much as the main branch, I'm sure, but an adequate amount for our purposes at the moment. But money in idle hands only results in boredom. I admit the MAGI are interesting," she confessed with a frown, "but I wish I had an Evangelion to play with."

"I'm sure your mother will give you considerably more than the public tour."

"Hmm." She shifted to re-cross her legs and bumped his foot. "Excuse me. So tell me, how is mother? You two keeping busy?"

_Does she know?_ Shiro thought, irrationally alarmed. He didn't think Naoko would tell anyone about their affair. Personal lives were completely private to her beyond vague generalities employed for advice or idle philosophy regarding the sexes.

Ritsuko stared at him, her lips turned up at the corners in a delicate smile. Shiro hoped she only grasped her mother's sordid professional connections, not the personal ones. He wondered which would cause more problems. Separated from her for so long, he let himself forget how frighteningly perceptive the younger Akagi was.

"Busy is an understatement," he replied. "We may have planned for the Angels for over a decade, but reality rarely meets projections. Especially in a scenario like this."

"I heard the Evas sustained serious damage from the battles. Don't give me that look. Word travels fast in our club, and words you want to keep secret travel even faster."

"I know too well," he said with a defeated grimace. "The damage was acceptable, even predictable, for the circumstances but in the long term these kinds of delays are a serious risk. The pilots have been less than careful as of late. It's a stressful time."

"It shows," Ritsuko said. "You're not eating enough. You look thin."

"Nutrition isn't my first priority at the moment. But thank you for your concern."

"I know you can take care of yourself, Shiro," she said. She closed her eyes to smile. "How are the Children? Have Asuka and Rei's maturity caught up to their own perceptions yet?"

"In the sense that five years have passed since you saw them. As such it's been an exercise for the adults in sparing the rod."

"You've loosened up," Ritsuko said with a gentle laugh. "It suits you."

This wasn't like her. She was never so interested in the trivialities of human relationships. Maybe she was just trying to differentiate herself from her mother in a new way, by postponing the questions she really wanted to ask with superficial attempts at amiability. Or maybe he was thinking too hard.

"I can't say I'm surprised about the Children," she went on. "Being surrounded by people older than you rarely grants the right kind of maturity. What about the new one? The Third? He's Ikari's son, right?"

"Biologically speaking."

"Oh, that's right. He placed him in a relative's house after his wife died. Raised by strangers…" Ritsuko sighed gently. "Rei and Asuka don't like him, do they?"

"What makes you say that?"

"The similarities might hit them too deeply, whether they admit it or not."

Shiro was about to refute her by saying the girls weren't privy to Shinji's history, but knew he was probably wrong. It would be far too simple for either to gain access to the boy's files if they wished it, for whatever the reason.

He also held his tongue on Rei's strange recent interest in Shinji. After going over the hidden security footage from the isolation chamber several times, Shiro still couldn't figure out why Rei acted as she did. It was completely outside the expectations everyone held for her. Although discussing it with Kaji or Naoko might present fresh explanations, he decided to play ignorant and watch from afar. The Children needed a light touch in some situations, and he had to be cautious how he approached them. And it was beneficial for him to keep up his act for the rest of NERV.

"With all the battles and recovery," Shiro said, "the pilots haven't had much chance to socialize. They're all fairly independent anyways." He wasn't surprised how easy it was to lie anymore.

"Children need adults," Ritsuko stated.

The car shrank around him. He felt a lightheaded fury. He closed his eyes and began counting along with his heart, and the throbbing blood it pushed through his body.

_One, two._

He felt it beneath his fingertips, life in his hands, his life, the life of that unconscious little girl, her blood sticky but not warm. The air was thick and sweltering, closing in around him like casket, making his movements slow and dumb, giving him too much time to consider what to do if he had to choose, had to lose one life to save another, had to spare one set of eyes of seeing the world after the Giant crushed it with fire and light. Too much time to consider if he was brave enough to do what must be done.

_Three._

"I suppose so," Shiro said as he opened his eyes. "They can't raise themselves."

"No, they can't." She looked back out the window and waited a moment. "So tell me. What is Ikari's son like?"

* * *

There was something callously satisfying in seeing an enemy fall at his hand. To invade its boundaries and take what he wanted. He was good enough now to choose how he wished his opponent to die; a swift frontal assault to decimate it while it's thrown off guard, to bide his time and slip past its defenses and tear it open from within, or to draw it in and surround it to strike from all sides.

Here he was lord and master. He held death in his hand and dispensed it freely. His statistics never wavered from the high seventies now, and every day they crawled higher. He could erase it and restart, all but ensuring a perfect score, but he liked to see the early failures as proof of his evolution from pathetic novice to chess deity.

He overheard Lieutenant Ibuki talk about the game one day as he waited to be debriefed following a synch test. It began as an idle distraction, but since he returned to school after the last Angel it was all he had done. The teachers droned on, the students whined, and Shinji played.

Practice doesn't make you perfect, he once heard Dr. Akagi say. It just makes you less bad.

Shinji took a subtle comfort in that concept. If he judged himself in terms of relative badness without any consideration for perfection, it would never matter if he succeeded or failed. He saw a corollary between chess and school, and life as well: he would never reach one hundred percent, but if he didn't see that as a goal he wouldn't be disappointed when he never reached it, no matter how hard he tried. 

If he focused only on the present moment everything he did or did not choose to do would never be bad. It would never be good, but he was used to that.

He was a pilot; he could die any day. Thinking about an identity beyond that was counterproductive to his continued existence. If he feared death because he wanted to accomplish things with his life, he would merely fight to survive. Abandoning all hope for the future provided him with what he wanted: the capability to kill his enemies and protect his mother, thereby letting himself forget who he was.

He had no guardian to yell at him over poor grades, eliminating the motivation to excel in school. There was no one to praise a successful exam or academic prize. All Shinji had was the trash bin his crumpled tests filled. If he ignored school he wouldn't learn, he wouldn't grow, he wouldn't realize there were things he wanted to work towards. So he played chess.

He thought about thanking Ibuki for allowing him this path to freedom, but he didn't want to look like he was spying on her or had a schoolboy crush. To Shinji she was nothing but an occasional stimulus he used to masturbate, like Asuka and Rei had been. But he hadn't seen Asuka in weeks, and she faded from his conscious desires.

And after what Rei said to him in the decontamination chamber, her body was concealed by her hideous words.

It was impossible to want her. Shinji wanted someone new, someone he didn't know; a blank canvas he could project his desires onto from a safe distance so he'd never find out she was a real person with individuality and dislikes and morals and the ability to say no.

"Ikari-kun?"

He reflexively shut the chess program as he looked up to find the class representative, Horaki, standing by his desk, her hands clasped before her skirt. Behind her the rest of the class was heading off for lunch. Shinji never heard the bell.

"Yeah?" He flinched. Even if she was just a middle school student enforcer, she deserved a modicum of respect.

"You're a pilot, right?" she whispered, taking a quick glance around the emptying room. "I'm friends with Asuka," she explained before he could answer.

"Yeah," he said. "I'm a pilot." He figured it was pointless to deny it anymore. He doubted she would try to beat him up.

"Well, like I said, I'm friends with Asuka, and I was wondering if you knew how she's doing. She hasn't been in school, and she never answers her phone. I talked to her guardian once and he said not to worry and be patient, but…"

"I think she's recovering from a battle."

"Did she get hurt?"

"I don't think it was too bad but, well—"

"So she's just sulking?" Hikari asked with a humorless grin.

"You really are friends with her."

She laughed aloud, then blushed in embarrassment as she covered her mouth.

Shinji let her see a wan smile. He was surprised how relieved he felt that she apparently didn't know who was responsible for the absence of the student he mutilated. Her position of relative authority within the school could make things difficult for him. The fewer people who knew what he did the better. While he was sure it would garner respect and fear, being too conscious of the event was dangerous.

That boy hadn't been to class in weeks. Shinji didn't consider why because he didn't want to. Time only passed as quickly as he decided to perceive it. Six days in school could be a single day since they were all the same. Any period could be interchanged for another until they was no difference. He could make the incident when he defended Rei yesterday or years ago. He was in control.

"… is a little moody," Hikari was saying, "but she's always been like that. She just wants attention, but it has to be positive, you know? I try, lord knows I try, but I can't be expected to know when she does and doesn't need it."

Shinji stared at her, completely lost. She blushed again.

"S-sorry." She ashamedly hunched her shoulders. "I got carried away. I mean, she is my best friend, I just—" She covered her eyes. "Sorry."

A sudden realization flooded over Shinji and he had to look away. This girl was cute. He saw her before and never paid her a second thought, but talking with her, watching her mannerisms, seeing the concern and affability and honesty she possessed gave her an unexpected appeal.

_How _can_ she be friends with Soryu?_

"It's okay," he said. He stared at his desk to avoid staring at her chest. Inspiration struck. "I won't say anything."

"Anyway," Hikari said as she cleared her throat and quirked a guilty smile, "thanks for telling me." Her smile turned into a confidential grin and she nodded at his terminal. "And you don't need to hide a chess game. That's probably the least objectionable thing I've ever caught a classmate looking at."

He had a sudden agonizing desire to kiss her freckles.

"Oh, uh, yeah," he mumbled.

"Right." She watched him blush. _Why is he so shy all of a sudden? Asuka said he was a big arrogant jerk. Then again, Asuka says that about all boys. And most girls._ Her smile came back. _I can't see him as a pilot. I thought you had to brash or creepy or—_

"Ikari-kun."

Hikari and Shinji looked up and saw Rei by his desk staring down at him.

"Oh," he said. "Ayanami."

Rei's left eye twitched uncontrollably. He didn't stutter, or blush, or offer a nervous smile. His voice and body language were indifferent.

This was not how it was supposed to be. After the night in the decontamination chamber she felt assured he would, at the very least, desire her body. She gave him physically and emotionally personal reasons to protect her, and now he was treating her as nothing but another faceless sack of flesh. Like the rest of them.

"Am I interrupting?"

"N-no," Hikari said, taking a step back. "I was just asking Ikari-kun how Asuka is doing. I haven't been able—"

"She is alive," Rei stated, her eyes never leaving Shinji.

"Oh. Um, thanks."

It was the first day since the battle Rei was allowed in school. The Commander and Akagi needed to indulge their paranoia and subjected her to a protracted series of tests, all of which were nothing but different ways to reassure them of her continued existence, which assured them of theirs.

During the endless battery she thought of Shinji, carefully replaying everything she heard and saw of him, including rumors and opinions, as well as her own regretfully limited interactions with him. She created scenarios and controlled situations to bind him to her permanently. Throwing him off guard to lower his defenses worked well last time.

"May I eat with you today?" she asked him without preface.

"I guess."

"Oh." It took a moment for the implication to register, and Hikari suitably blushed. "Oh! Um, sorry to keep you. And thank you again, Ikari-kun."

"No problem," Shinji said, and watched her as she gave a modest bow and hurried out of the classroom. He reluctantly turned back to his desk and saw Rei already seated across from him. He closed his terminal with a silent sigh.

"Are you well?" she asked. She waited for his answer and received none. "Are your injuries from the battle recovered?"

"Yeah."

"That is beneficial."

Shinji did not respond.

He pulled his lunch out and ate. He stared down at the small bento, idly picking through it before bringing the chopsticks to his lips, not caring what was on them.

"I am glad," Rei told him.

Shinji did not respond.

_What happened?_ her mind panicked. _Why is he acting like this?_

For the first time in her life Rei knew fear. She felt the world as she had to have it breaking apart in her hands, and if she grabbed it forcefully it would crumble to dust.

She forced her lungs to work and reminded herself who she was. She was the beginning and the end. She was the first and the last. Her desires were the only ones that mattered. Reminded of that truth her hands became unshakable and all-powerful again.

Since her formation Rei found only one benefit to being raised by Ikari Gendo. He taught her victory was achievable even in the most unpredictable and disastrous situations by conquering emotion with logic. Panic and fright preyed on the weak-minded. They were worthless obstacles that must to be torn down.

The path to any aim could be traversed. If you ran into a dead end, make your own.

"We are both scheduled for synchronization tests this afternoon," Rei said. "May I accompany you to the base?"

"If you want."

Her desire could not be reached by a straight course. Obstructions and disappointments framed every step. She couldn't crush them underfoot like Shinji would, but soon that wouldn't matter. He would crush everything for her. The Commander, Akagi, Katsuragi, Soryu, their classmates, NERV, Japan, humanity, the world. They were all nothing but food for the beast.

Rei watched Shinji eat, and waited.

* * *

The transport case's heavy radiation-proof lid fell and locked back into place. There was a hiss as the side vents expelled the room's air trapped inside, then a quiet snap as they closed. Ritsuko gazed down at it, working through the immense surrealism of keeping the first human being freeze-dried inside an overgrown suitcase and spending the better part of seven hours on a jet with it. She almost fell into philosophical musings about the relative powerlessness and insignificance of mankind in general, but stopped herself with the reminder that only fools saw more than there was in everyday events.

It was just another day. She would be a fool to see it as anything else. All she did was hand deliver the progenitor of the human species to perhaps the last human on earth who should have it. Just another day.

"Is your business concluded," Gendo asked in a way that did not sound like a question. He stood by the case like a sentinel.

She couldn't see his eyes behind his glasses. The reflected afternoon sun cut into the deep shadows of the Commander's vast office from the long windows at his back like blades through flesh. She had the abrupt sense of truly being trapped underground.

"Is there something else, Doctor?" He was deathly still.

"No," Ritsuko said through a forced yawn. "Excuse me. I'm a bit jet-lagged. I'll see myself out. Good day, Commander."

She turned to leave, and made her feet maintain a casual pace. She felt his eyes on her the entire way.

There was just a hall beyond the office's heavy double doors; no receptionist, no guards, no glimmering plaque to display who sat in power within. She figured everyone knew, and fear kept them away. After hearing, and now seeing the man's secrecy, isolation and exclusiveness, Ritsuko wondered who was afraid of whom.

She strolled through NERV with the map Shiro gave her, the equivalent of a visitor's guide to the areas devoid of any possible sensitive information. Its stripped-down representation of the base told her more than it was supposed to, and she was mildly disappointed the main branch's layout was such a simple puzzle to solve. The diverging network of halls and corridors were overly complex, making the important paths glaringly obvious. She felt assured an invasion wouldn't present any serious difficulties.

Shiro mentioned a synchronization test for the pilots was scheduled, and Ritsuko headed for the exit closest to where she deduced the cages to be. She produced the appropriate level of surprise when she found the man at the gate.

"There you are," Shiro said. "Did you see your mother yet?"

He didn't ask how or why she found this particular exit, and Ritsuko had a sudden uncomfortable feeling he gave her the map knowing she'd comprehend its actual worth.

"Mother's used to waiting," she told him. "I had to pay my respects to Ikari first. He's as pleasant as always. I can't imagine how you all put up with him every day."

"His command relies more on delegation than direct administration. He'll make enough appearances to remind everyone who's in charge, but he's fairly hands-off, to put it politely. It's just a strategy to foster the same kind of obedient paranoia NERV rose to power with."

"You sound like you're his bitter ex-therapist," she said with a wry grin.

"Didn't you know? In this branch we're all each other's therapists."

She laughed, the same delicately fluid laugh he remembered. Shiro knew he shouldn't be flirting with her, for many reasons, but he was only reciprocating her advances. He wasn't blind, though; she wasn't interested in him as a man. He was likely just one more thing to compete with her mother over. After arriving at the base and parting ways, he concluded Ritsuko at least believed he was sleeping with Naoko. She may have anticipated it was a foregone conclusion back before she left for Germany. Shiro wasn't quite cynical enough about the girl to believe she was keeping tabs on her parent.

He also knew Naoko's reason for being with him was anything but love or attraction, and regardless of her daughter's, if he could find a way to turn it to his advantage he would. He hadn't actively pursued a girl since high school, but he witnessed enough sexual tension from the staff to play it by ear.

"I'll show you to the cages if you want to observe the synchronization test," he said. "It might not be the most impressive sight the Evas can give you, but I'm sure you'll appreciate it from a scientific perspective."

"I'm sure I will."

Again, he didn't appear concerned in the least about her seeing classified areas. Ritsuko was suspicious when Ikari hadn't issued any kind of warning or veiled threat, but Shiro was a master of duplicity. She was always unsure around him because everything he said sounded the same. Seeing the Second Impact and losing a daughter would warp anyone, but it was moments like this she wondered how disturbed he really was.

She forced him into the kind of trivial small talk she used to uncover actual motivations, when the shuttered gate before them folded up in segments and receded into the ceiling. Shinji and Rei entered like a funeral procession. He saw who was waiting to greet them and he paused in mid-step to search for an alternate route, then sighed softly when he realized he was trapped. Behind him, Rei stared straight at the adults.

"Hello, Rei-chan," Ritsuko said with a bright smile as she approached them. "Do you remember me? We met years ago." She cleared her throat when the girl's face remained blank. "I used to dye my hair blonde back then? My name is Akagi Ritsuko?"

"I recall you."

"Still as shy as ever. And you must be Ikari Shinji. I'm from the German NERV branch. It's a pleasure to meet you."

Shinji weakly shook the offered hand and stepped back after a moment. His eyes found the floor. Since arriving in Tokyo-3 he had grown inherently distrustful of smiling adults. Every one of them used it to mask their real feelings. It was nothing but a disgusting way to sweeten the orders they gave him.

"We have a test," he mumbled at his feet. "We need to go."

"Oh, of course. Please lead the way."

She waved the Children past, and fell into step behind them without looking back.

Shiro watched a moment, then followed. His plan to carefully observe and interrogate the pilots was out of reach now. With his mood swings and isolation, Shinji was a constant concern. And while Rei was of obvious importance, she was under enough restraints by the Commander and Naoko for him to ignore her most of the time. It was the burgeoning association the children had which he found more perilous.

He didn't trust Rei by herself, and he didn't trust Shinji with other people. They would be a terrible influence on each other. He wanted to find out exactly what was going on between them, and then direct it into an involvement he could control for their own good. But what he knew to be inevitable when Ritsuko arrived was already happening; she was injecting herself into NERV's workings with a light friendly touch no one but the most cynical of people would be suspicious of.

The stated purpose of her trip to the main branch was for a consultation on MAGI synchronicity between Germany and Japan. Shiro understood enough about the computers to know any significant alteration to them required all parties to meet in person. Not only for the staggering complexity of the undertaking, but to eliminate any possible chance for data theft or memory corruption to the main unit.

They weren't upgrading, so to speak, since each branch's MAGI was modified for their individual needs. Ritsuko came to bring her system up to date and share old data on Unit-02 following its near destruction. While she was not involved in its construction she was responsible for maintaining the knowledge of how it was.

Shiro knew she was capable for the task when he first met her. She was withdrawn and detached, efficiently allowing her intellect to overshadow her emotions. Aside from the issues with her mother, Ritsuko was a consummate professional. Which was why he was so troubled now. Where she had been shy around him in the past, now she was flirting with him. When she first met Rei she avoided the girl as much as possible, and now she was speaking to her and Shinji like a mother meeting her child's friends. Shiro assumed after she was taught the origins of the Evangelion and the Giant of Light she would have become jaded and disillusioned like everyone else. It didn't make sense.

_Don't let her get to you._

He needed to keep his mind calm. To keep up the guard he painstakingly crafted over the past fourteen years. It kept him alive, and sane enough to convince himself that was what he wanted.

He watched her with the Children as they stepped onto the escalator to Central Dogma. Why was she paying so much attention to them? It was more than scientific curiosity or politeness. Shiro took the stair behind her, the pilots at the front.

Ritsuko stopped talking at them as they descended and stared idly ahead. After a moment, she began humming.

"What is that?" Shiro asked after listening for a time.

"Hmm?" She looked back at him. "What do you mean?"

"The song you were humming. What was it?"

"Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't even realize I was doing that. A bad habit I picked up in Germany."

"It's the Ninth," Shinji said cautiously. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Shiro and Rei's incomprehension. "Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. The fourth movement." He looked at Ritsuko. "Right?"

"Yes, it is," she said, with a surprised satisfaction. "I didn't think teenage boys liked that kind of music."

"Well, it's… it's not my favorite. I prefer the Fifth, but the Ninth is a masterpiece."

"Ode to Joy _is_ terribly clichéd." Ritsuko shrugged, still smiling. "Well, that shows how cultured I am. Blame it on my intern in Germany. He's always humming it and grinning, like he doesn't have a care in the world."

"It is a good song," Shinji quickly said in embarrassment, afraid he offended her by appearing snobbish. He turned back around.

She looked at him cringing against the edge of the rail. Her lips fell into the neutrality of reflection.

"I'm glad you think so." Her smile returned. "I'll be sure to tell my intern. He'll be very pleased to hear that."

She smiled the rest of the trip down.

* * *

End of chapter 6

Author notes: admittedly, I am a Ritsuko fan. Come on. She's hot.

Not much happened this time, but it starts setting up the end of the story. Reserve your tickets to the crazy train.

OMAKE

"I've modified the German branch's MAGI," Ritsuko told Shiro as they drove through Tokyo-3.

"Oh, really? Does your mother know?" He knew for a fact Naoko would gut and kill anyone who tampered with her cybernetic baby. Section 12 was nothing but a wetworks squad formed to cover up all the murders in her department.

"Screw that neglectful wrinkled whore."

"Please don't remind me."

"So," Ritsuko said, "would you like me to explain it to you?"

"Anything for you to shut up and get away from me."

"Great. As you know, mother's MAGI are based on the three aspects of her personality; herself as a slut, herself as a whore, and herself as a terrible parent."

"I'm not sure that's—"

"Mine's a bit different," she said. "Let me demonstrate. My three aspects are myself as a scientist…"

Ritsuko donned a lab coat and a professor's cap, and proceeded to mix various unknown chemicals together in a beaker before throwing it out the window where it exploded, obliterating several dozen pedestrians.

"… myself as a woman…"

She stripped naked except for the cap, then posed in various lewd… poses, giving Shiro an unsettlingly thorough anatomy lesson. He threw up a little in his mouth.

"… and myself as a mother. Which it turns out I need some help with."

Ritsuko tackled Shiro and mercilessly had her way with him. Still wearing the cap. In the backseat of the Section car.

And since all Section agents are voyeuristic perverts, the aforementioned boot knocking distracted the driver and caused him to promptly speed into a stationary skyscraper.

"Worth it," the agent said before the windshield shattered inward and decapitated him.

"Whew!" Ritsuko whewed, wiping the sweat and various other fluids from her. "It felt like the world shook! Was it good for you?"

Shiro did not answer as he had receded into his happy place several blocks ago, which wasn't really a happy place, but it was slightly more tolerable than his present circumstances.

"Yeah, me too."

Just then Naoko appeared, choking a child Rei clone in each hand. Boasting all the insane fury of a jealous, insecure, menopausal borderline serial killer with a hair-trigger, she proceeded to pummel her daughter and Shiro using the small girls like clubs. Then Kaji showed up and shot Naoko in the back of the head to get to Ritsuko. He told her to get a blood test since he was just diagnosed with several of the nastier STDs, and was in the process of notifying all his former partners. Gendo put the city and base at venereal alert one.

Kaji told Shiro to get tested as well. He looked down at Naoko's corpse and decided he didn't need to tell her after all.

Meanwhile, Maya was in her shower, brutally scrubbing her body, weeping that the dirt wouldn't come off. Neither would the warts.

Following the wildly divergent network of Kaji's sexual history chained most of Japan, Germany and the fruit fetish porn industry together, effectively shutting down governments, militaries, and every NERV branch as the respective staffs entered emergency treatment for an encyclopedic catalog of painful and humiliating genital diseases. Except Hyuuga.

"Being completely unfuckable never pays off," he said from his post, still a lieutenant despite being the only adult working in any NERV base anywhere. "I'd rather be riddled with whatever the hell all the cool people have than healthy and dependable and ethical."

Just then in a totally unrelated scene Mana popped up out of nowhere and told Shinji she liked him, which inevitably must lead to some kind of horrific tragedy since staying in canon means as soon as Shinji attains even a scrap of joy the world must end. And it did, inexplicably, by means of several concurrent Impacts because this omake has gone on way too long and strayed way too far from the original concept. The end.


	7. Beneath Heaven

Adam Kadmon

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion.

Warning: another "set up" chapter. I know, I know. But as a reward/punishment, there's two omakes. So now you have a reason to slog through this. Or skip it altogether.

* * *

There was a small but passionate debate during the creation Tokyo-3's Impact Memorial cemetery regarding the arrangement of those honored. The conventional wisdom of alphabetical order was questioned by those who felt that the near end of humanity should not be presented like any other minor tragedy of the past. They argued the date of death should determine the placement, to emphasize the staggering result of what they were commemorating.

It was the kind of petty nonsense people squabbled over to distract themselves when the horrors of their reality became unbearable. The weight of the Impact, and the utter impossibility of the proposal, eventually crushed the fringe and practical remembrance prevailed.

Shiro couldn't blame them for delaying the cemetery's construction. Its completion meant undeniable and overwhelming physical proof of the halving of mankind.

He looked right. The empty grave markers fanned out in a host of rows, sloping up on a small hill then vanishing as it plunged down. Green mountains flowed over the horizon. A gauzy sun peered through a sky of clouds.

"She would have been twenty-nine this year."

Shiro turned back. There was a woman kneeled before a grave with thin hands clasped in the appearance of prayer. She bowed her head and brittle grey hair fell around her face like curtains.

He wed Michiru because she had been beautiful and warm and loving and he wanted to experiment with the kind of existence he heard so many people talk about. Marriage and children, they told him, were the first steps to a fulfilling life. They were the means to accept mortality and die in peace. They were the means to be happy.

He thought he was content. She was curved and straight in the right places. Her laugh danced from smiling lips. Her eyes shone with life. Her silken hair poured from her body like wings when she was beneath him. She made him feel alive and thankful and human.

He abandoned her for the same reasons. When he learned of Adam's existence and origin, marriage and children became empty and worthless. Such tiny insignificant self-centered fantasies for such tiny insignificant creatures. Humans were nothing but insects aimlessly skittering over the planet in the shadow of their grotesque mother-god. Shiro couldn't delude himself any longer with the kind of joy offered by ignorance. He saw the truth of the world and was disgusted by his family's satisfaction with their insignificant lives, and was more disgusted he used to feel the same.

The girl he chased, the girl he wed, the girl he loved and lived for and pitied was dead. This ruined thing before him had stolen her body and name and identity and everything good about her. Now she was old. Her hair was ashen and withered. Her skin was sallow and crumpled. Her eyes were dull. She was thin, the jagged edges of her skeleton poking at the insides of her clothes. Shiro hated her for it.

"It's my fault," Michiru said. Her slim colorless lips wavered up at the edges. "If I hadn't made her join you on that trip…"

She played the martyr every year. Shiro was tired of offering the same feeble platitudes to ease her conscience and make her feel innocent enough to leave the cemetery and suffer alone until the next anniversary.

"She begged me not to go. She said I was only thinking about myself and the family I wanted. Maybe she was right. She was always so smart about things like that, and about people."

Every year, the same thing.

"She was so young, and beautiful, and talented," Michiru went on. "She was always cheerful and helped her family and friends in any way she could…"

Shiro's had the recital memorized. Death shielded Michiru from anything negative about the girl. Her mind distorted that child into a teenage saint, a pure virtuous messenger from heaven prematurely ripped away by a callous and uncaring world.

She wasn't. That girl was selfish and petty. She used her body like a fishing lure, capturing stupid boys and manipulating them into being nothing but human ATMs for whatever passing whim she held. She disobeyed teachers. She skipped school. She talked back. She smoked. She drank. She was unwaveringly human.

Death bred selfishness. People missed someone and needed justification to feel sorry for themselves, so they created a convoluted theatrical production to appease their narcissism.

Shiro wondered if surviving the Impact was the wisest decision. This was all that waited for him. The world didn't change. Humanity didn't correct its arrogance or its egotism or its self-destructiveness. It didn't even try.

Michiru was proof. She lost everything she knew and cared for and she failed to learn from the experience. Tragedy was a convenient excuse to wallow in self-pity, to feel important and unique while existing within an anonymous mass of faceless individuals. Michiru needed it, just like she needed to rewrite her memories of her daughter. Keeping the girl in her thoughts gave her a purpose to live, and a reason not to die.

"I miss her so much," she said.

The dead were dead. Too many people liked to forget that. Too many people needed to be reminded of that.

"It's time," Shiro said without looking at his watch. "I have to get back."

He didn't know how long she stayed in the cemetery each anniversary because he left before her every time.

"Already?" Michiru's voice wasn't angry or disappointed. She sounded disinterested. "You'll come back next year, right?"

It was the question she asked at the conclusion of each visit, and his answer gave her the motivation to live another year so she could return to refresh the image of her make-believe child.

"No," he said. There was nothing left for him here. It was just an empty field. Angels didn't wait until you looked away from the past.

"Oh." She still faced the grave. She had not moved since she knelt. "Do you want me to say goodbye for you?"

Michiru's monopoly on communicating with her dead child suddenly struck Shiro as incredibly sad. His anger slipped down past his eyes. She didn't look as miserable anymore. She was beaten and broken and he wanted to say something to comfort her but every compassionate word he had was stolen from others, a collection of empty platitudes that would only ease himself.

The feeling passed and he knew there was nothing he could say or do to fix this thing before him.

"I already said goodbye," he told her. He waited a moment for her to respond. She failed and he turned to leave the cemetery. "Try to take care, Michiru."

He heard her whispering to the grave as he walked away. He did not stop.

* * *

Filiation

Chapter 7: Beneath Heaven

* * *

Shiro returned to NERV.

Ikari and Fuyutsuki left four days ago and weren't expected back for another three. It left him and Naoko as the de facto commanders, a position he never anticipated fearing so much. Without the buffering indifference to human suffering the Commanders offered, Shiro was charged with the full responsibility of protecting mankind. The only way to carry it out effectively was to abandon the sentimentality that all humans had a right to life. NERV wasn't in the business of fostering idealism.

The very existence of NERV and the Evangelion units were made possible only by embracing acceptable losses. The organization's logo might as well be the ends justify the means. Ikari seemed to believe if it 

cost another three billion lives to defeat the Angels it would be an acceptable loss. The attitude seeped from the top down to the lowest ranks, infecting everyone until collateral damage was seen as inevitable and unavoidable. It was beneficial to victory in this war, but it blurred the reasons why victory was an imperative.

Shiro stepped off the rail carriage into the Geofront and entered the base. Without any operations scheduled a commander's presence was largely ornamental, and his day became an exercise in patience. He had yet to receive a progress report on the MAGI operation, intentionally leaving Naoko and her daughter to their work. He told himself it was to avoid stepping on their toes, but he just didn't want to deal with the two women together. His attendance would only serve to exacerbate the difficulties between them.

He headed for Naoko in the science wing, hoping she was taking a break. Shiro tapped on her door with his cane, waited, noticed it was unlocked, and entered.

Her office was a carefully organized system of chaos. Papers, dossiers, discs and files lay scattered over the floor and desk. Several computers filled the room with an unwavering electric hum as bundles of cords snaked over the carpet. It looked as if she flung the resources her genius required for her endless projects around the office without any concern where they landed, but within the storm she could find any given item in a moment.

Shiro saw it as a microcosm of the base: Naoko was consulted on the design of NERV headquarters, and purposefully crafted an overly complex and convoluted formation to confuse the unwary, yet to those who knew it there was little mystery. It was another reason Shiro agreed to the affair.

"Good morning," she said, forcing a smile for his benefit.

She knew the date and always treaded lightly for several days before and after. He appreciated the sentiment in the gesture but it was irritating to be treated with kid gloves.

"I'm fine," Shiro told her, preempting further sympathy. He took a seat opposite her at a stray desk. He felt bundles of wires press into his heels. "How are things going? Honestly."

"She's been avoiding me," Naoko sighed after a moment.

"Who?"

"Who do you think? My wayward daughter. I've spoken to her twice since she arrived. I understand we've never seen eye to eye, but she's here to work. I purposely suspended a significant portion of the MAGI's secondary systems and rerouted them to the auxiliary computers for her trip, and I'm up to my neck making sure everything still runs the way it's supposed to. She said she's reviewing the compatibility protocols, but she knows we're quite literally on a deadline."

"Could Ibuki assist her?"

"Maya's been no help at all. She's sulking over her little crush on Kaji. He's been nosing around Ritsuko for days." She blew an angry sigh. "Why can't the adults around here act like adults?"

"I wouldn't read too much into the Captain's behavior," Shiro said. "He's most likely just picking her brain. Ritsuko's not a starry-eyed schoolgirl: she knows what he's doing. Maybe she's playing along to try and have a little fun."

"Don't tell that to me. Tell it to Maya. Sometimes I really do regret mentoring such a child." Naoko rubbed the bridge of her nose harshly. "I know the German branch doesn't even have an Evangelion unit now, but Ritsuko has plenty of responsibilities. She can't drag her feet around here forever."

"I doubt she will."

Shiro decided against shadowing Ritsuko personally, instead opting to stay aware of her activities through indirect means. She was discreetly searching the base, and with the amount of secrets buried here it was only a matter of time before she stumbled over something better left hidden. He made no attempt to stop or hinder her efforts since letting her find what she wanted was the easiest way to know what it was.

Ritsuko had to know playing errand girl for SEELE was not a job to be taken lightly. Shiro had no doubt she was here on their orders, but knew it couldn't be for any kind of overt attack. If he was sure Ritsuko was on Kiel's leash Gendo had to as well. SEELE wouldn't risk open conflict this early, not when the mass produced series were not equipped with the S2 engines promised to them.

_Or is this just a way to spur me on?_ Shiro wondered.

They had to be getting impatient and suspicious. With Ikari and his second in command gone without any reason or given destination the Committee had to be upset. Yet they hadn't questioned Shiro, either on the absence or the delayed S2 project. The only explanation was Ritsuko would be their striking hand.

Even under her mother's nose Ritsuko could manage some significant data theft or an attack on the partially exposed MAGI. That target seemed too obvious, and her culpability would be established almost immediately. He couldn't believe she was here on any kind of suicide run either. She still had a purpose in Germany, and strategic value as the only child and intellectual rival of NERV's premiere scientist.

An indirect strike could prove devastating. NERV was maintained with enough vital links that a calculated break in one would unravel substantial parts of the chain, all of which were tethered by the Children. Success and failure hinged on them. They proved themselves simple to manipulate in most situations, and someone with Ritsuko's skill could ingratiate herself with them easily.

Shiro let Naoko continue to talk, issuing the appropriate nods and short responses where expected as he ran through his options for the pilots.

_Asuka won't be difficult. Ikari controls Rei, but she could be a problem if she stays near Shinji._

Shiro kept the Commander from Naoko, and as such deprived him total control over an invaluable resource. It weakened both NERV and SEELE's power over him and each other while bolstering his own. He needed to separate Shinji and Rei the same way. Moderation and subtlety were luxuries he did not have this time. As Naoko said, they were all on a deadline.

* * *

Ikari Shinji woke up at six thirty. He went to the bathroom, he brushed his teeth, he showered, and he dressed in his school uniform. He ate a breakfast of toast and tea. He brushed his teeth again. He picked up his school supplies and left his apartment.

He walked to school alone. He entered the main courtyard and crossed it with his eyes on his feet. He reached the lockers and the class alone. He sat down and turned his laptop on. He ignored his classmates and stared at the screen until the teacher began the lesson. Shinji played chess until the lunch bell rang.

Rei ate with him. Sometimes she spoke. Sometimes she didn't. She returned to her desk when class resumed. Shinji played chess until the school day ended.

He gathered his belongings and left the school grounds. He walked home without stopping anywhere. He locked the apartment door behind him and left his book bag by the door. He watched television and did not like it. He had rice and soup for dinner on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays. He had seafood for dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He had pasta for dinner on Fridays. He had instant meals on Sundays for dinner because Sundays were days people were supposed to relax on.

He washed the dishes after dinner and made his lunch for the next day except on Saturdays because there was no school on Sunday. He went to the bathroom and brushed his teeth and showered. Sometimes he masturbated. Sometimes he didn't. He dressed in nightclothes and went to bed. He kept the door open and the living room light turned on. He stared at the ceiling and listened to his SDAT until he fell asleep and woke up at six thirty to repeat the process.

Shinji's existence was a recital of expectations performed to maintain the stability of his emotions and the emotions of those around him. If he did the same thing all the time he could limit the stress he inflicted on himself, and restrict the way others perceived and interacted with him.

It was hard to feel miserable all the time but the deadening effect of routine transformed into a kind of comfortable predictability he could depend on to survive. If nothing changed, he wouldn't have to change.

So like every morning Shinji woke up at six thirty. Like every morning he went to the bathroom and brushed his teeth and showered and dressed and ate and brushed his teeth again and gathered his supplies and went to school.

The courtyard was always mottled with teenagers trying to forget where they were before class began. They were noisy and obnoxious and only some days Shinji could block them out.

That morning was louder than normal. It wasn't the usual reluctant kind of socialization he knew. The students looked and sounded genuinely excited enough to focus their complete attention. It radiated from a group below a shady tree, growing denser as it spread through the crowd. It looked like a mob of fans descending on a long lost celebrity.

Shinji's juvenile curiosity overpowered his desire for uniformity. He watched the throng from the corner of his eye as he walked, trying to peer through the barricade of students to the cause of the commotion.

His classmates were all laughing and smiling. Shinji edged towards them, craning his head. He looked past them and saw what they were gathered around and his entire body was struck numb.

It was boy in the tracksuit he hurt. He was wearing a normal school uniform now, his hair was longer, his frame was leaner, his face was thinner and bandaged but Shinji knew him. The memories he kept secret buried under the terror of shame burst up and tore through his insides. His vision tilted crazily as he spun away and ran to keep from toppling over.

Everything blurred to sweeps of indistinct color. He ran until he clipped the edge of a building and his shoulder erupted in pain. He blindly spun and braced his hands on the wall then ducked his head to vomit. His breakfast splattered between his sneakers in wet lumpy mounds.

His body heaved until nothing but groans fell from his lips. He panted through his mouth, trying to dispel the thick sour tang of bile.

"Ikari-kun."

_God,_ he thought, hearing Rei behind him. _It's like she's stalking me._

"Suzuhara has returned," she said. She glanced at the mess at his feet. "You have seen him."

"Don't," he choked out between pants. "Just don't… " _Don't tell me his name. He doesn't have a name. He doesn't have anything so I couldn't have done what I did._

"What will we do?"

"What do mean, 'we?'" Shinji said. He felt drained and planted his forehead against the wall. Sweat crept down his face. "You're the one he's angry at. I don't… it doesn't have anything to do with me." He didn't care that it made no sense.

"If he informs others what happened and it reaches the Commander, there will be difficulties," Rei stated. She saw him wilt and knew he understood the implication regarding his status as the pilot of Unit-01, and his mother.

"He… maybe he won't. If he hasn't said anything yet, and it's been so long since it… I can't…" His words tumbled over each other, rushing to get out and free him of responsibility. "I'm, it isn't…"

"I believe he is someone who would pursue a continued conflict."

Shinji couldn't refute that. He ran into boys like that before. They did not stop. They picked on him and pushed him and hit him, but they never had a personal reason to go after him before.

_I'm scared._

He jammed his eyes shut against the admission. In the Eva the only outcome was life or death. If he failed to kill an Angel he wouldn't have to be alive and deal with the consequences. In school with other people he'd be harassed and beaten up. They'd mock him and laugh at him and turn everyone against him.

He couldn't use a palette rifle to shoot all of them. He couldn't use a Progressive Knife to gut all of them. He couldn't use his own weak fists to hurt all of them. Everyone would see how pathetic and worthless and useless he was and they would have no choice but to hate him.

"I don't know what to do," he said in a defeated whisper.

She knew what needed to be done.

He was ready.

* * *

It was like stepping out of the purgatory of isolation into the teeming hell of humanity. There was always a degree of endless suffering whenever Asuka attended school. She still failed to see the merit in attending anything beneath a graduate program but realized she needed to pick her battles. Even Dr. Katsuragi agreed she should be with other teenagers outside of a NERV setting. Now more than ever Asuka had to accept her superiors' opinions, no matter how misguided or uninformed. Unit-02 was finally repaired and she had to redeem herself. Her abilities and worth as a pilot were in question. The Third already overshadowed her and she needed to rectify that travesty. If staying in school was part of it, she would acquiesce. Sacrifices had to be made for the greater good.

The courtyard before the school was exactly as she remembered it, and Asuka was sickened by how such a place claimed precise recognition within her. She passed a few girls who offered shock followed quickly by nervous waves, as if she was the carrier of some horrific terminal disease.

Asuka kept a casual, authoritative pace, idly passing her eyes over the student body. No one stood out or approached her, though most didn't even notice. She snorted softly.

She spotted Hikari a few yards away in a small circle of chatting girls and slowed to a crawl, waiting until her presence was recognized. A tall girl with bad skin finally did and alerted the others. Hikari glanced back, offered a quick farewell and left. The others did not follow.

"Welcome back!" Hikari gushed as she reached speaking distance, careful to sound enthusiastic but not blatantly condescending. She gave her friend's hands a warm squeeze. "I'm really glad you're here. It's been so boring without you."

"Not surprising," Asuka said as she discreetly wiped her palms on her skirt. "I do feel sorry for leaving you to fend for yourself in this intellectual wasteland."

Hikari bit her tongue and smiled. Asuka wasn't her only friend, but she tended to get irritated and distant in groups. If she was the focus of their attention it wasn't as apparent, but the frustration still simmered just under the surface. Hikari didn't pretend to understand why she got like that, and learned to accommodate it as best she could to preserve the fragile civility of her surroundings.

"What's that all about?" Asuka asked, nodding towards a sizeable cluster of students amassed under a drooping tree.

"Oh, that's right. You probably didn't hear. Suzuhara-kun was in a car accident a while ago. I overheard Aida-kun and some boys talking about it and it sounded bad. He had a couple cracked ribs, a fractured jaw, he broke his nose and some fingers, and he needed a few teeth replaced." She shivered. "Today is his first day back."

"It's unsettling how popular he seems to be." Asuka rolled her eyes away from the show. Her voice slipped smoothly from self-pity to restrained anger. "It looks like the entire school came out to greet him."

_Instead of her,_ Hikari thought. She decided it would be an atrocious lapse in common sense and self-preservation to tell her friend the only sentiment offered at her absence was relief. It wasn't that she was a terrible person, she just seemed determined to make people believe she was.

Asuka politely ordered Hikari for any significant non-lesson related events she missed as she made her way from the lockers to homeroom. She wasn't interested in the petty happenings of her peers but it kept her friend talking which kept other people from approaching. She received a few scattered greetings from other girls, which was the most she wanted now that her mood turned sour, and crafted a smile in return as she walked.

She entered class before Hikari and paused until everyone noticed. Most were nervous and unsure how to react, and Asuka felt a subtle sense of satisfaction. Even if they didn't rush to her and shower her with attention they were aware and respectful. She strode in and sat lightly at her desk.

Hikari continued her report because she was not told to stop, and Asuka scanned the room.

"… so Hitomi, in typical Hitomi fashion, led poor Seki-kun on while she was going out with some older guy, who sounds like a real womanizer. It's just like her to try and act mature while doing such childish—"

"Where's the First?' Asuka asked, looking across the room to the windows.

"Huh? Ayanami? I don't know. I guess she's not coming today. She's always here early or not at all." She hummed softly in uncertainty.

"What?"

"It's just that, um, Ikari-kun isn't here either."

"You make it sound like they're skipping class together."

"Well…" Hikari hesitated as she debated the wisdom of continuing.

"What is it? Tell me."

"For the past week and a half Ayanami and Ikari-kun have been eating lunch with each other. Not like, as a couple. I mean, she isn't _making_ his lunch or anything. They just sort of sit at the same desk. A-and Ikari-kun never looks very excited about it. It's probably…"

She trailed off as her friend's placid mood collapsed.

"Unbelievable," Asuka hissed. She narrowed her eyes dangerously at their side of the room.

"I should get ready to start the class," Hikari mumbled after an extended moment. She didn't get a response and rose. "If you want me to IM you any notes, let me know. Okay?"

Asuka was silent. A few minutes later the teacher entered, and she didn't rise to bow. She snorted in acknowledgment as her name was called for attendance, then withdrew from the situation to convince herself the Third and First were not doing all sorts of appalling things together, from sucking face to plotting against her.

It was seventeen minutes before lunch when her Kaji called her cell phone to tell her an Angel had been detected.

* * *

The Angel alarm still rang in her ears. She couldn't hear anything else except the faint undercurrents of her heart battering her chest. Her breath came out in wavering puffs through her nose. The lingering effects of adrenaline made her light and unsteady on her feet. Asuka fell back onto the locker room bench and barely felt it.

Her hands shook as she released the seal on her plug suit. The cold sterile air of the lockers hit her sweaty skin and she shivered as a chill rippled over her. She wriggled her shoulders free and paused, reluctant to part with the suit. It wasn't the usual angry modesty that came from sharing changing quarters, but the giddy desire to remain as she was and savor the overdue victory that elevated her to her rightful place in the world. The suit was proof of it, her means to claim importance and recognition.

She recalled perfectly how the rock and concrete yielded beneath her feet like sand. How she sliced through the heavy air as she ran under the black sky. The world surrendered to her and then heaven opened and fell into her waiting hands. She didn't cheapen herself by calling it painful: she had experienced far worse. It was just a test and she overcame it because she could. The Evangelion just served to support her.

It didn't matter if Ikari was the one to yet again kill the Angel. When she heard Kaji's astonishment and awe when she caught it by herself, she knew no one cared about the Third and First. No one should care. All he did was clumsily jam the Prog Knife through a hole Rei tore in its AT Field. Asuka did the hard work, everything that required skill and ability and strength.

She heard a locker behind her shut and feet pad to the exit. The door slid open, then closed, and she was alone. She let a sharp grin split her face.

_Poor little First,_ Asuka thought. _Not even going to say goodbye? Sulking that your precious Commander didn't recognize your pathetic efforts? Go have a pity party with that washed up freak the Third._

Even though the Commander didn't see it he called personally from his classified expedition to congratulate her. She never heard that man offer praise to anyone, even his son the rest of NERV adored. She kept him in the corner of her sight as they were debriefed and sent to the bridge. He was spacing out, staring at nothing, his face and body heavy looking and slack. He was barely conscious enough to look bitter when he heard his father.

_Loser._

The Commander's words proved she was the superior pilot and the greatest asset they had. Even the Evas were nothing but oversized action figures without the Children, and she was the best among them. It let her disregard the past months of inferiority, the way everyone forced her to second-guess herself, the appalled shock of finding out the First and Third were carrying on together like a pair of last resort's last resorts. None of it mattered because now they all knew who she was.

"I did it," she whispered. "I win."

* * *

Asuka opened her apartment's front door and stayed beneath the threshold. A tiny gnawing adolescent piece of her ego hoped Kaji, maybe Maya, or the Doctors, or Hikari would be waiting for her inside to surprise her with some kind of celebration for her long overdue victory. Everyone at NERV pushed her so hard to succeed she thought it was only natural they would fully honor the day she not only met their expectations but exceeded them.

She couldn't stop from walking a little faster down the front hall to the living room. She turned the corner wearing a carefully neutral expression and held it when an empty room greeted her.

Kaji was probably inside NERV or his girlfriend celebrating humanity's continued existence in the most human of ways. The Doctor was almost certainly busy with the data from the battle so he could improve the Eva units. Hikari didn't know how the battle went and was staying away in case it was bad.

It didn't matter. Even if they didn't openly acknowledge it, they knew she was the best now. They had their proof.

She glanced back at the kitchen. The center of the table was a pyramid of dirty dishes, empty cans and old instant meal plates. She was hungry, but she was tired, and there were things she had to do before sleep.

She removed the batteries from the apartment's smoke detectors and went to her room. She shut the door behind her and did not turn on the lights. Sunset squirmed through the thin slits between her blinds. She carefully pulled them shut and let her eyes adjust. She stepped onto her bed and reached for the ceiling.

Only her fingertips reached, and she used them to lift a panel up and back, leaving a small black gap. She hopped gracefully on one foot and pulled the secret out, barely disturbing the bed as she came down.

The doll wore a plain white dress that was too big for its body. Messy auburn yarn sprouted from its head. It had no eyes and a wide jagged smile splitting its face.

Asuka stepped down to the floor and crouched on her knees. She held the doll close to her face and carefully brushed the yarn from its face with her thumbs.

"I know you didn't see me today," she said. "You don't have eyes. So I'll tell you."

Her thumbnail patted the yarn in place then slashed down over the doll's mouth.

"I won today. I showed them all I could do it easily, even when I'm by myself."

Her voice was soft and composed. Her face was impassive.

"I didn't need them to help. I didn't need you. I grew up on my own and today I won on my own. I beat them on my own."

Her nails pushed the fabric apart. The stuffing sprouted up and brushed her fingertips.

She pulled the doll away from her and slammed it against the floor, extending her arms fully and keeping her back tightly in place.

"I win. I beat you, see? _I beat you_. You're just a pathetic little nothing who clings to disgusting fantasies to make yourself feel better. You fool yourself into believing them because without them you're nothing. You are nothing."

She slammed the doll down onto the floor again and again. Her voice and face remained calm.

"I'm the important one now. I'm the smart one. I'm the special one. I'm the adult one. I'm the best one. I'm the only one."

She leaned in until her nose nearly brushed its face.

"I'm bigger than you."

She pulled away.

"I'm better than you."

She ground the doll's head into the floor. It twisted back at a grotesque angle and crumpled into itself.

"I'm more than you."

Asuka abruptly let go and raised her hands up. Her arms spread like opening wings.

"You lost. You don't have anything left. Now go back to sleep and never wake up. Go to sleep with your last thought of me beating you. You're a loser, you're garbage, you're filth, and I never need to see you again."

She pulled a small metallic trashcan from under her bed. She reached in and found a half-empty packet of matches she stole from Kaji's room, the kind he kept from motels to relive past conquests. She dropped the doll in and watched it land on its back. The uneven mouth grinned up at her.

Asuka lit a match without looking away from the doll. The flickering light made it squirm and writhe. She let the stick fall from her fingers and it landed silently on the doll's chest, its arms open to receive it. The flame glittered and sputtered, then crept out like veins along the cloth body. A thin finger of smoke curled up to the ceiling.

The fire licked at the doll. The white dress shriveled to grey. The red hair coiled to black. The body convulsed as it was consumed. The trickle of smoke grew to a plume and pooled on the ceiling. The smile twisted as the face was eaten away.

The firelight skittered over the dark room and made the shadows dance and cavort. Asuka sat motionless in the middle of the floor staring down into the trashcan with the immolated doll.

"I am Asuka. You are nothing."

* * *

End of chapter 7

Author notes: next chapter the shit starts hitting the fan. I promise. The crazy train is finally leaving the station. Next stop is, um, Crazyville. Population: the Children.

Obviously, I couldn't have Asuka be as well adjusted as she seemed. I had the last scene in my head for a while, but I guess I didn't do enough (read: any) foreshadowing.

And I know I've been dragging out this whole Rei/Shinji crap far too long. They're the first stop on the crazy train.

OMAKE. This time with double the nonsense, for our mutual punishment—me for writing this, and you for reading it.

Shiro hated the graveyard. It was boring, he was expected to get dressed up, and all the uptight self-righteous whiners threw him dirty looks if he brought the cane he converted into a bong with him. All that, plus he hated his ex-wife. Prostitutes were so much easier. If only he learned that lesson sooner.

He followed her into the cemetery, down rows of names and dates etched onto markers to soothe the crybabies who couldn't let go of the past. It sucked. Also, the deceased's relatives tended to defecate whenever and wherever the urge hit them.

"She would have been twenty-nine this year," Michiru said, kneeling before a grave. "It's so cruel. She was so full of life, so young and adorable and obedient. She always came when I called, and listened when I told her not to beg. She never bit anyone, and was so good about not pooping on the furniture."

_Here we go again,_ Shiro thought.

The Tokyo-3 Impact Memorial Pet Cemetery originally seemed like a dumb idea to him, but that was before he realized most survivors were bat-fuck crazy. A couple billion deaths tended to loosen the belts on people's sanity pants. What?

Michiru was no different. Although her relatives all perished during the Impact, all she wept over was their lost dog, Sato.

At first Shiro was glad when they decided to adopt a puppy instead of have children. Less responsibility and fewer tears to shed. So he thought. At least children grow up and eventually get the hell out of the house. Dogs just stayed there until you put them out of their misery. And by their misery Shiro meant his misery.

He rolled his eyes to avoid looking at Michiru, hoping the powerful desire to bash her brains in with his bong cane passed since he hadn't worked out an alibi today. She was off on another tangent, whitewashing their dog into the personification of man's best friend. Bullshit. That bitch was a pain in the ass. She barked all night and day, she took massive dumps on the furniture, she chewed up his clothes and body, and didn't follow one freaking order they gave her.

Sato's death and Michiru's subsequent unshakable depression led to their divorce. Shiro killing Sato might have contributed to the breakup as well. It was either him or the dog. And since Sato lacked the manual dexterity to operate a chainsaw, the advantage was Shiro's.

It also led to his insane cruelty to all things cute and cuddly, which incidentally explained his constant and merciless verbal abuse of Maya. She was just asking for it.

After another two seconds of heroic patience Shiro got tired and left without saying a thing while Michiru was blathering about the time her dog cured cancer. On his way out he spied a pale gangly teenager and for the life of him could not think of any other way to describe him except gay.

"Hello," the boy said, smiling warmly. "My name is Nagisa Kaworu, and I was on my way to the animal shelter to strangle a few defenseless kittens. Would you care to join me?"

"Yes," Shiro said, returning the smile to his newfound kindred spirit. "Yes, I would."

They left together and for the first time in his life Shiro truly felt everything was right with the world.

OMAKE 2. The promised extra punishment.

After an excruciating day of not inflicting bodily harm on all of the stupid people who deserved it (read: everyone who wasn't Asuka), Asuka returned to her inappropriate living arrangement at Kaji's apartment, which he affectionately nicknamed "The Melon Patch."

Asuka prepared to enjoy a peaceful, relaxing, rage-building afternoon of isolation and abandonment and found all of the "adults" in the main cast sitting in her living room carefully watching her. The furniture was removed and replaced with folding chairs arranged in a horseshoe, fencing her in. She considered leaving until sanity returned and things went back to normal but realized that would take decades. She had no choice but to stay and find out why everyone was acting dumber than usual. Plus all her clothes were still in her room.

"To what do I owe this inconvenience?" she asked.

"Asuka," Naoko said cautiously, "please sit down. It'll make this easier."

"Make what easier?"

"Your intervention."

"My _what?_" Asuka decided to respectfully disagree with the request to take a seat and picked up a lamp and leveled it at the Doctor's skull. "Since your heads seem stuck in your asses, let me tell you how stupid this is. Do I look like I'm ravaged by drugs? If you want to see a repulsive, pasty, grotesque visage brought on by bad habits and a total lack of morals and decency, use a mirror."

"This isn't a normal intervention," the Doctor said, momentarily ignoring the insults but vowing to choke her later. Still, she edged behind Kaji to block any physical attack. "This is about the perpetual sadism you call a personality. We think you could benefit from a little adult direction. Not from any of us of course, since we're a pack of liars, sex fiends, murderers and Sanrio enthusiasts."

"We're thinking of foster care," Kaji said.

"_You're_ thinking of foster care."

"Oh, come on!" Asuka yelled. "Didn't I prove how completely together and awesome I am during today's battle? If anyone needs some incompetent ham-fisted stabs at parental guidance then it's the First and her schizoid boy-toy Ikari!"

"Actually," Shinji said with a cheerful smile, popping his head out of Kaji's room, "they already talked to me and Rei. Right?" He glanced down where Rei appeared and nodded, her face filled with joy. Of course, since it was Rei no one could tell.

"Correct," she answered. "It was quite beneficial once they caught and restrained us."

"Totally. They brought us a few steps back from the edge of utter insanity to the relative safety of dangerous personality disorders."

"And within that space we found true love," Rei said, blushing like a new bride. Again, it was Rei so no one could tell.

"… with each other?" Asuka asked with disgust bordering on rage.

"With each other," they said together, gazing at one another with sparkling eyes. Shinji gave her a smooch on the cheek and Rei heaved a joyful sigh.

Gendo shot himself in the head. Naoko threw up in her mouth. Maya's nose began hemorrhaging severely from an overload of cuteness. Shiro wondered how many lies he'd have to tell the Children now to manipulate them. Fuyutsuki was very old and asleep. Hyuga and Aoba and Ritsuko were doing something as well.

"Why are you in my apartment?" Kaji asked, visibly troubled.

"Granted, the intervention didn't fix all of our problems," Shinji went on, disregarding everyone's silent wish for him to not go on, "but it allowed us to direct them into other, slightly more sociably acceptable obsessions."

"… do those costumes you're wearing relate to your new manias?" Shiro asked, also visibly troubled.

"Correct," Rei said as she opened the door fully, displaying the risqué Shamshel cosplay outfit she was dressed in. Let's just say the Angels are definitely female. Shinji was decked out in nothing but a creative interpretation of Unit-01 in the form of a banana hammock, complete with horn. Rei nuzzled Shinji's chin with the handle of her 'energy whip', which was an actual whip.

"Oh, and thanks for lending us your room, Kaji-san. We kind of ruined everyone else's. We appreciate it."

"But I didn't—"

The door slid shut with a soft click. Then a sharp whip crack pierced the air, followed by an impressive imitation of a berserk Unit-01's war cry and a delightedly terrified squeal of glee.

"Remind me to burn all of our apartments later," Kaji said.

"Back to the matter at hand—"

"If… _that_ is the result of your meddling," Asuka began, pointing a shaky finger after the two other Children, "then I'd rather be skewered and eaten alive than listen to any of you."

"That can be arranged," Ritsuko murmured.

"While the outcome was not what we anticipated," Shiro said, "or hoped for, those two are effectively focused on something other than pushing one another to kill all of us..."

"Engaging Progressive Knife!" Shinji called from the other room.

"… which is all we're trying to help you with, Asuka."

"AT Field penetrated!" Rei exclaimed.

"So won't you let us help you? I can almost guarantee you'll still hate Shinji-kun."

"Let me see if I have this right," Asuka said after a moment of thought. "You're all here… except for the freaks in the other room… and the Commander whose brains are staining the carpet… to try and redirect desires for mass murder to something that doesn't make you all routinely evacuate your bladders? Is that the gist of your proposal?"

"Um…" Kaji looked to Naoko for an assist, but she was already slowly backing out of the room. "Um…"

"In other words," the Second Children continued, gracefully circling around the group to block them from the front door, "you're all afraid I'll snap and kill you. More to the point, you're all afraid of _me_."

"Dear God yes I am!" Hyuga wailed, already in tears.

"Don't be ridiculous," Shiro said, discreetly using his cane to break open Hyuga's skull to shut him up. "We just want to help you with these self-destructive tendencies. We certainly aren't afraid of you."

"Then I guess I need to give you a reason to be," Asuka said. She advanced on them.

"Oh, no."

"Oh, no!" an ecstatic feminine voice cried from Kaji's room. Meaning it could be either Rei or Shinji. "The core… is reaching critical mass…! It can't take much more! It's… it's going to… explode!"

Several things exploded. Asuka's barely restrained rage exploded into violence as she hurled the lamp I forgot to mention she still holding at Naoko's skull, which exploded into tiny chunks. Asuka leapt at the others in the same motion but to save time let's just say she killed all of them too.

Wiping her mouth clean of blood with the sleeve of Aoba's severed arm, Asuka's desire to finish murdering everyone in the immediate vicinity who annoyed her faltered when she remembered who was left and exactly what they were doing. So she set fire to the apartment or something and left since this omake was way too long again.


	8. Tenebrae

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion.

* * *

Shiro received hundreds of emails each day. The technicians spirited away in his research labs, the assistants to Naoko and the Commanders, government liaisons, Section representatives, Kaji, various city officials, shipping companies, and a myriad other subordinates and acquaintances bombarded his terminal hourly with a deluge of questions, responses, reports and preparations needed to facilitate his work and NERV as a whole.

Through extended correspondence his contacts learned to be succinct and he was able to answer the majority of them with a sentence or two. He disliked the anonymity of the internet. A face-to-face meeting was the best way to gauge someone's intent. Professionally, he welcomed Gendo's own aversion to email, though every fiber of his humanity regretted it.

Naoko warned him early on to be careful with his computer activity. Despite his encryption programs, firewalls and data scrubbers, she told him nothing short of complete physical destruction of his hard drive would prevent the MAGI from shadowing him. And even then there were ways the supercomputer could keep tabs indirectly.

Although NERV held a strict privacy contract with its employees Naoko admitted it was observed as a one-way street. The MAGI automatically scanned all data entering and exiting the base, as well as anything transmitted between or downloaded from terminals. Prior to dissemination everything was copied, compressed, sorted and saved to automatically check for any breaches or suspicious activity, comparing past and present actions to determine patterns and habits. It was the kind of surveillance Shiro once detested but realized was vitally necessary in the post-Impact world, and inside NERV especially.

Naoko explained the technical details once and he pretended to understand so she wouldn't explain it again. As far as his needs were concerned computers were the same as automobiles. He could use them, he grasped the basic fundamentals of their operation, but the actual workings and internal construction were a fog of technological jargon and obscure science. He appreciated the craftsmanship and skill that went into building one, but he only had so much patience with subjects outside his natural aptitude.

Shiro waded through the last trickle of the morning's messages, skimming over funding requisitions and updates on projects, including the repairs to Unit-02 following the last battle. The hands and limb joints received moderate damage, but the time and cost needed to restore it was only a concern now that impending annihilation was momentarily suspended and the budget again consumed everyone's attention.

It was no small miracle Asuka reached the Angel in time to catch it. Unit-01's initial position was closest but there hadn't been enough time after NERV repaired the leg Shinji cut off to fully recalibrate and it slowed him down considerably. Unit-00 would never match the other Eva's speed or strength. There was no choice but to rely on 02 then.

He didn't expect Gendo to offer any kind of praise, least of all to Asuka, but it certainly put the girl in her place. She was now totally committed to piloting, and by extension to NERV. It was like the old days again, her confidence still firmly in place but without the overt animosity coloring her recent behavior.

The Commander likewise strengthened Shinji's desires without altering the way he went about achieving them or the general situation. Shiro admitted he could not have planned it better himself.

Shiro opened the fifty-fourth email of the morning when the embedded lights in the ceiling flickered twice with a brief crackle. He felt his heart skip a beat; something like that simply should not happen. He glanced up as the panel relit, gave a low struggling hum, then abruptly cut out along with his terminal.

He brought his left hand up to check the illuminated display on his watch. He stared at the digits slowly rearrange themselves until power was brought back online.

During NERV's early days, when they were still toiling to get the power grid up and running, outages were expected and planned for. The number of diesel generators they needed to maintain even basic systems while installing the electric source from the surrounding cities above set the construction budget back half a year alone. The generators remained as an emergency measure, though in actuality it was simply easier to leave them where they were than deal with the time and money required to remove them.

Shiro counted down the last seconds on his watch until the MAGI would reboot the base. It was a paranoid habit he developed during the construction, mostly from the knowledge that there were indeed spies in their midst.

_Four, three, two, one._

He stared at his watch in the dark.

It must be a serious snag. The MAGI reorganization might be to blame. It would be another ten seconds before the emergency diesel activated and restored temporary power.

He still stared at his watch in the dark after a half minute.

He sat back in his chair and it groaned in objection. He rubbed his eyes. There was only one, recently improbable possibility. He sat up.

Shiro fumbled in his desk and withdrew a NERV-issued pistol. He never had the occasion to use it outside the handful of times his machismo demanded satisfaction at the shooting range. He held it and tested the weight. It was small and sleek for a seven-round handgun, but it was still heavier than he remembered. He stood and slipped it into his jacket.

The emergency flashlight in the back of the drawer was covered in a film of dust. He wiped it off on his pants, along with his sweaty hands. He left the office.

He passed anonymous personnel as they scrambled down the halls, bumping into walls and each other. Most couldn't provide any type of assistance, but action during an emergency was a behavior NERV drilled into its employees, overtly and indirectly. Shiro did not bother to stop any of them or issue the appropriate commands to stay calm.

Eventually the mob thinned to a stream, then a trickle, then nothing. Shiro was in the auxiliary halls on the fringe of Central Dogma, populated with storage rooms for obsolete machinery and spare equipment. The cloudy disk of yellow from his flashlight finally came to rest on a heavy sealed door at the end of a short corridor. A restricted sign was printed above it.

Every sensitive door within NERV contained an independent energy source for its electronic lock to ensure a total loss of power did not mean a total loss of security. The locks contained only enough charge for two uses, a single opening and a single shutting. After the power was expended the door was held in place by a series of bolts activated upon closing until it was reconnected to the main circuit.

Shiro slid his keycard through the entry slot and entered an eleven-digit access code. The hatch unlocked with a dull metallic thump and he swung it wide. He stepped in and shut it behind him, the locking mechanism clunking into place.

Inside was blind darkness. His flashlight revealed he was on a narrow railed platform on the curved wall of a giant shaft, stretching into obscurity above and below him. To his left a ladder plummeted into an inky shadow. He hooked his cane in his belt and lowered himself to it. His feet on the rungs echoed into peals of metallic bell tolls.

Soon the platform was swallowed by a ceiling of night creeping after him. Below the darkness opened its maw to receive him.

* * *

Filiation

Chapter 8: Tenebrae

* * *

Shinji headed to NERV because he had no idea where else to go. The city's power died during his trek to school, and as he realized what happened the populace swallowed him in an orderly panic. The citizenry was accustomed to so much worse a blackout was little more than a minor inconvenience.

People shouted and rushed and filled the streets with the expected indignant anxiety needed to keep hysteria in check. Shinji watched for several minutes feeling numb and slow. There was no point in continuing to school. The teachers and students didn't know how to conduct a thing without power. The few places in the city he frequented would likewise be a waste of time.

He turned back to his apartment, figuring even if power was restored he had a valid excuse to stay home today. He dug in his satchel for a new SDAT tape and found his cell phone first. He supposed NERV would have some kind of secondary power source for an admittedly improbable case like this. They could at least tell him what was going on.

He dialed the direct line to the bridge's comm. operator and was answered by static. Shinji tried the base's public assistance directory and received the same. He drew the phone away to scowl at it, but offended confusion failed to make it work.

He jammed a tape into his SDAT and twisted the volume hard. He travelled the thinning streets in a private world of confining sound. The crowds gradually calmed and faded and he looked around. It seemed everything really was down. He didn't think it was possible, here of all places.

He travelled two blocks when he spotted Rei near a few straggling civilians who were, oddly, using a crosswalk. Shinji knew if an action was commanded enough it could become a reflex.

He debated hiding in an alley until Rei was gone, but knew she was essentially a walking talking directory to headquarters and might know what was going on, as well as any problems at the base. Still, he hesitated, wondering how to gloss over all the unpleasantness between them. Ignoring her didn't work. Neither did telling her to leave him alone. Shinji decided to deal with it the way he dealt with most of the unpleasant things in his life: pretend it never happened.

"Ayanami," he called out, coming up beside her. "Is your phone down too?"

"Yes," Rei said. She turned and began to walk. "We should report to headquarters. Security and surveillance have been compromised. All pilots must be on standby in case of emergency."

_She's back in her professional no-nonsense mode,_ Shinji mused as he started after, glad to have an order to follow. He never imagined being reduced to a material asset at NERV's disposal would feel so welcome. _As long as she's not talking about the—_

He strangled the thought before he had to process it. He focused on her, on her physical presence before him. He realized how small she was. She was a breath beneath his height, but her frame was thin and her pallid skin made her look sick. For the first time he truly wondered why her hair was blue.

He followed her through the city; the trains were worthless metal boxes now. Without them the walk to NERV was under an hour if he kept a quick pace. He followed until his brain forced its way back into his body.

"Where are we going?" he asked. They weren't heading towards the Geofront.

"NERV's main gate and auxiliary entrances will not be operational," Rei told him. "We will have to take an alternate route."

Shinji occasionally saw odd alcoves on buildings and down alleys while in the city. They framed heavy bolted doors with codes printed on them like A-7 or D-22. He never took the necessary time to care before. Rei took him to one behind a squat office complex. She swiped her keycard and it cracked open.

"How did you do that? Isn't the power out?"

"All NERV doors are equipped with an independent energy source," she said, pushing the door away to reveal stairs and darkness. She stepped aside to let him pass. "It allows the door to unlock and lock once."

"How come no one told me about that?"

"It was not relevant. This situation should not be possible."

She shut the door behind him and he heard it snap shut and bolt into place. The air was stale and thin. It painted his skin as Rei swept past him.

He followed her down the staircase to a narrow hallway that continued at a subtle downward slope. He reached out to the wall for guidance. Rei led him to a Y-junction: the path to his left curved around a bend and sloped up; the way ahead descended further. He could not see where either ended. Rei slid a panel from the wall to reveal a shallow compartment, and produced a small electric lantern. It shimmered to life and forced the dark back a few steps. Rei proceeded forward.

"How are we going to reach NERV?" Shinji asked, staying at the trisection.

"What do you mean?" She did not stop.

"I use a tram to get from the city to the base. The Geofront's ceiling is huge. If we go by foot it will take hours to get down there."

"This path will take us where we need to be." Her light drifted away. "If you wish to stay here you may. I will inform security where you are."

_I'm not scared of her,_ he told himself. His feet refused to move. _I'm won't let her treat me like a child. Like she's any different than me._

He took a leaden step forward. The second was easier.

She was faster than he imagined. The small lantern's gauzy sphere stayed ahead of him at an unwavering distance, bobbing like a firefly dancing under a moonless night. He broke into a jog to catch up as it glided through twisting corridors. It finally stopped to float before an open passageway, and then slipped inside. Shinji ran, his breath angry and embarrassing in his ears, and collided with the door. He stumbled in with the lantern casting stalks of shadow from his feet. The door shut at his back and locked.

He was in a sterile tiled room lined with sealed boxes and old furniture. Desks and chairs and cabinets, all industrial and bulky, bullied their way from the walls to make the space appear smaller than it was. He could not see another exit and felt terror scratch at his bowels.

Rei had not moved since the door shut. Shinji tried to determine his odds of successfully subduing and escaping from her. She was trained for years in close-quarters combat. He was clumsy and had difficulty judging the results of his own movements. And the door was sealed shut until power was restored, he reminded himself.

He scanned the room for options. Everything looked too heavy to budge, let alone lift. There was no place to hide and no way to separate himself from Rei. He was helpless and he hated it. His head sunk and his eyes fell, and he saw Suzahara Toji lying face down on the middle of the floor. His hands were tied behind his back. Shinji felt ice under his skin.

"What is this?" he breathed.

"An opportunity," she said.

Shinji gaped. He wondered if the Captain or Soryu got Rei to participate in an elaborate joke on him.

"What is this?" he repeated.

He could not turn to look at her. He could not bear to see her face match the solemnity of her voice. He stared in silence until Toji stirred with a low gurgling sound from his throat, sliding his face along the floor until he rested on his cheek. His eyelids flickered, pressed together, opened. The eyes were glassy and unfocused, pivoting in his skull as they cleared to examine the room. The world plummeted into place and his face screwed up in disbelief as his sights fixed on Rei.

"You," he muttered. He shook his head. "What are you—" Toji tried to rise and found smooth rope binding his wrists together. He struggled and panic shot over his features. "Where am I? Where'd you take me?"

Shinji stared at him, agape.

"Where did you take me!?" Toji screamed. "Where are we!?" He panted through his nose, trying to keep the fear buried under anger. His arms strained against the rope.

The earth tilted beneath Shinji's feet and he stumbled to the side. The corner of a steel table stabbed his hip and he clutched at it for support. The thick metal edge knifed into his palm. He jammed his eyes shut as sweat drooled down his face. Everything was slipping away. The world of safe monotony he worked so hard to build turned to sand and bled through his fingers. This wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to hurt anymore.

"You—" Toji broke off as he noticed Rei was not alone. His eyes flitting between the two children before settling on Shinji. "You're that guy."

Shinji's insides dissolved. His head felt light and hollow.

"What's your name?" He waited. "Tell me your name." He waited again. An unsteady smirk crept up his mouth. "So that's it. You can't sneak up on me this time, can you? You're just a wimp, aren't you? You can't fight fair. You can't fight unless you're cheating. Well? Come on! Get over here and show your freak girlfriend how pathetic you are!"

Rei watched at the door under the unwavering glow of the lantern. Shinji failed to stifle a sob. Toji took a shaky breath.

"You're wasting all of our time," he said. "Game's over. If you let me go right now maybe I'll only call the cops." No one moved. Toji twisted his bindings again and felt them give. He used his wrists to loosen them until a hand slipped free. He gauged the distance to his target. "Fine."

Toji drew into a crouch and pushed himself up. He launched his body forward into a dead sprint.

Shinji felt like he was watching a broken movie as the boy barreled towards him. Everything was slow and wrong. One of the boy's arms was pulling back, the fingers clawing into a fist, the knuckles turning white and jutting up beneath the skin like shrapnel.

The swing came too fast and struck Shinji's front teeth. His jaw rattled and reflexively snapped down to bite his tongue. Inky black stars crowded his vision and the floor dropped out from under him.

He blindly reached out and found Toji's shirt. The momentum from the punch and Shinji's hands sent them both down. Shinji squeezed his eyes shut and twisted to land on his side. He pulled hard on Toji and drove him into the table with a dull crack. They reached the floor with a jolt.

Shinji felt cool tile sting his cheek and split an eye open. He found Toji beside him on his back, his head pitched sideways to stare at him. There was an uneven tear running from his left temple to his hairline. The skin was folded back to display a jagged gap fenced by perfect white bone. Shinji looked into the narrow fissure where the table edge opened Toji's skull. Everything inside was black.

He rose to his knees and Toji's face pivoted to follow him. Shinji froze and discovered his hands still balled up in the boy's shirt, lifting him up. He unclasped his fingers and the body slumped back. Toji's head struck the floor and fell to the side over the gash.

Shinji stood. He felt a dull ache on his mouth and remembered he had been punched. He tasted copper. His hand rose without command. It felt light, it felt artificial and wrong. His fingers came away wet. He glanced down and saw the floor growing dark around the boy's head.

Shinji's wound was shallow and the fluid it gave him bright and recognizable. The boy's open skull flushed out something purple. It was heavy and thick like oil. Shinji thought about what came out of Unit-01's leg after he hacked it off. There was so much. It flowed like paint from an overturned can.

Toji gazed blankly at a file cabinet against the wall. His lips were parted slightly. The purple surrounded him like an aura.

_Don't wake up,_ Shinji thought slowly. He let his eyes slip shut. _Don't see this is real._

He drifted away. There was no locked room. There was no blood in his mouth. There was no dead child.

There was a voice calling his name. He opened his eyes. Rei was leading him down a hall. The lights were on. He watched them march over his head until they vanished beneath the threshold of a door. Then the ceiling was different. The lights were longer and brighter. They filled his sight. It was like staring into the sun.

Something cold and wet fell on his mouth. He looked down and saw Rei cleaning his swollen lip with a paper towel. He couldn't feel it. He saw blood on her hands and smeared on her clothes. He saw blood smeared on his hands and clothes. They were in a restroom together. He knew people would think it was strange but he was too tired to remember why. All he wanted to do was shut his eyes and never open them again. He felt like he could sleep forever. But Rei's bloody eyes held him in place. The color grew and wrapped around him until it was all he knew. The world became red and he became red with it.

* * *

She looked elegant, he thought. The insight was unbidden but as she stood before him, turning her head to gaze over her shoulder, bathed in the amniotic radiance of the Dummy Plug chamber, she effortlessly captured the grace her mother ineffectually strove for since they first met.

"Shiro," Ritsuko said, facing him fully. A withered forearm drifted in the orange behind her. "Of all the cloning facilities in the world…"

Shiro watched her from the entrance. She held herself easily, unconcerned with being interrupted. The curving glass walls framing her were clouded with mushrooming red clawing its way from a disordered tangle of floating innards, shredded limbs and tattered bodies. A piece of dissolving face smiled at him.

The chamber's lights were operational, meaning Naoko had at least restored emergency power to the lower levels, but without the MAGI's full assistance the base's security was still vulnerable to someone with skill.

"I was wondering if you'd show up." Ritsuko nodded around the chamber. "Ikari got rather far, didn't he? I suppose the real credit goes to my mother, though. Exactly how much praise do I owe you?" She waited and was disappointed. "Well, too many cooks do spoil the soup. Or were they keeping you out of the kitchen? Is this another of Ikari's dirty little secrets that he still thinks is secret?"

He stayed at the entrance trying to decide what to do. It was the only way out.

"There's no need for dramatics, Shiro. I appreciate dedication to a role, but let's not diminish the situation. Besides, our audience is indisposed at the moment." She moved to rest her hands in her coat pockets.

"Sorry," he finally spoke, making her hesitate. "I wasn't prepared to see the results firsthand."

"I didn't figure you to be the squeamish type."

"I never had much tolerance for corpses, human or otherwise."

"I suppose not." The allusion forced a sympathetic smile to her lips, and her forearms folded across her stomach. "You didn't have to come. Didn't you trust me to carry out my end?" The smile turned playful.

"I never had any doubt. I just needed to see it for myself." Shiro forced his body to remain composed as she approached. "Now that I have, we shouldn't be lingering here. It won't be long before your mother restores power to the entire base."

"With all the chaos up there I doubt anyone's noticed we're gone. I don't want to offend you, but NERV won't rely on you for this sort of crisis. Everyone will probably think we're arrogantly trying to fix it despite that."

"Taking individual initiative here is never a choice," he told her, and moved aside. "Take the third access route. I've made sure it has enough charge for you to get out. I'll use the main path once the MAGI reconnects the main circuit. I'll at least have a credible excuse to be down here."

"Always thinking ahead," Ritsuko said in a smiling voice as she passed him. "Take care of mother, would you? And please take care of yourself, Shiro."

She left. The pale electric hum of the chamber was a low unwavering moan, the guttural growl preceding a death rattle. He watched the red settle inside the walls. The organs and bone from the dolls congregated in a thick mess suspended in the orange, a cloudy glass of an exotic cocktail.

"Damn it," he muttered in a shaky breath.

Shiro exited the chamber and followed Ritsuko down the path he advised her to take. He was slow to catch up, the strain to his leg and exhausted adrenaline of fear weighing heavily on his feet. The halls were indistinct with the murky red of NERV's emergency lighting. He refrained from using the flashlight, letting the darkness gather the necessary anger for what needed to be done.

He found Ritsuko at the mouth of a long corridor, flanked by four Section agents. Her voice drifted to him in vacillating waves of noise as she tried to convince them to let her pass. She went stiff and spun around as the staccato clack of his cane echoed up to her.

The agents stood at attention as they recognized Shiro, and he nodded in unspoken authority.

"Arrest her," he ordered.

A wisp of confused amusement wandered over Ritsuko's face as the men closed in. It turned to genuine surprise when her arms were forced behind her back and cold handcuffs snapped into place over her wrists.

"What is this?" The left corner of her mouth twitched up. "What are you doing? Don't tell me you're serious."

"Don't embarrass yourself," Shiro said. "What are _you_ doing? I didn't think you were reckless enough to go through with anything like this. The Committee must be more desperate than I thought if they're willing to rely on you."

She shook her head as her mouth fell open.

"What do you mean—"

"The only reason anyone's ever bothered to pay you any attention is the delusion you have some kind of marginal use as an Akagi."

"You are serious." Ritsuko bristled as her face collapsed. Her mouth twisted into a bitter smirk and her eyes fell to the floor. "I see. Just a marginal use. I've made a career out of being used. I really do take after my mother." She looked up to glare at him. "I never expected you to protect Ikari this dutifully. You, of all people."

"It's a matter of priorities. Something you were never properly taught."

"Ever the disapproving schoolteacher. Lie to yourself however you want but don't presume to lecture me. I'm not one of your naïve underlings."

"Then stop acting like one."

"This had to happen sooner or later," she said.

"None of this is predetermined. Using fate to justify stupidity only shows how easily manipulated you are."

"You'd certainly know what manipulated people look like," Ritsuko bit out. "Do you even remember what it's like to tell the truth? What did you accomplish by deceiving me like this? I gave you exactly what you wanted: a real way to stop Ikari. To make him pay for what he's done. For what he's done to you."

She turned supplicant and leaned towards him, still restrained by the agents.

"It's too late to stop them all. The only thing that can be done is steer it to the least cataclysmic end. You have to realize that. You know firsthand how powerless we are in direct opposition, but you weren't seduced into this like Fuyutsuki or my mother. You don't have the blind arrogance of Yui, or the single-minded mania that possesses Gendo. You're the only one with the means and a real motivation to resist them. Why are you still playing the obedient soldier?"

"I told you," he said, "taking individual initiative here is never a choice. Ikari wouldn't leave me on my own during a security breach like this. And since I don't have the means of evading anyone…" He tapped his foot with the bottom of his cane. "… travelling secretly is impossible."

"Fine," Ritsuko snapped. "Arrest me. Then go back to licking Ikari's boots. I'm sure he'll give you a pat on the head for all your hard work." Her mouth twisted up into an acid sneer. "I was wrong about you. You sold your soul like the rest of them. If you think NERV can absolve you of your past you are sorely mistaken. Or was the memory of your daughter obliterated along with her body?"

His posture slowly shifted and Ritsuko felt a prick of fear. She already misjudged him once; maybe he'd forgo incarceration and mete out punishment right here.

"Sir?" one of the agents asked carefully.

"Take her into custody," Shiro told him, "and inform the Commander. Let him deal with it."

The men promptly began ushering her down the hall as she craned her neck to stare at him with pleading dread. She stumbled over the thin heels she insisted on wearing. He spoke to her through his teeth.

"Take care, Ritsuko."

* * *

He stared up at the fluorescent light embedded in his office's ceiling. It was humming again, the silent white noise he only noticed during its absence. Its glow was harsh and clinical. It made everything ashen. Surgery lights, he heard Naoko call them once.

The headache Shiro developed just skimming the preliminary report detailing Naoko's restoration of NERV's power made him decide it was just as well he left it to the professionals. He'd learn more than he wanted in the following days as projects were reviewed and reprioritized in accordance to the inevitable new budget and defense concerns.

It wasn't the idea of sabotage that frightened people; the base's normal security protocols were strict but not militaristic unless an active lockdown was in effect. What made the crew uneasy was how extensive and debilitating the assault was. Understanding as little as they did about the MAGI they understood any human attack that outwitted the computers had to be the work of a key insider.

Naoko's first act after reestablishing basic control with the diesel generators was to bring life support and security to NERV's lowest levels. Ritsuko's intimate knowledge of the MAGI allowed her to siphon enough power without drawing attention, gaining access to Terminal Dogma and deliver the killing blow to the Dummy system.

It was the only section of NERV's secreted bowels vulnerable to a small group of saboteurs. Even if someone broke in and found the Graveyard or Lilith all they could do was look. Eva corpses and giant crucified mother-gods weren't things someone could walk out the door with.

Shiro told that to Gendo during the quick debriefing he demanded. Ikari only questioned why he immediately left for Terminal Dogma when the power failed.

The Commander accepted, or at least tolerated, the explanation and dismissed him. He made no mention of Ritsuko, and Shiro did not ask. When Naoko was debriefed she'd have to suspect the likely fate awaiting her daughter. He'd worry about his own culpability if she inferred it. Shiro didn't make himself known for ardent defense of NERV's internal secrets or mole hunting, but he couldn't deny the curiousness or convenience of his actions.

Destroying the Dummy system wasn't a real way to stop Gendo at this point. At most, it was a dangerous inconvenience. Without the insurance of the spares Rei was no longer expendable and NERV was effectively down one pilot. Ikari would not permit her death yet, but he couldn't very well explain why to the staff. His favoritism towards her was already publically inferred so keeping her closer than usual wouldn't arouse any concern. The option to isolate her in a hospital remained open. Any obscure medical diagnosis would be accepted by the crew without question. They were conditioned to see the girl as an extension of Unit-00, at best. So did Ritsuko, but from awareness of the First's nature.

_She wasn't surprised at all,_ Shiro thought. Seeing a room lined with teenage clones floating in a glorified fish tank should at least raise an eyebrow. How Ritsuko managed to find out was less troubling than her behavior.

When Naoko first told him of Rei's conception the only thing that shocked him was how quickly NERV accomplished it. He was well aware of theoretical applications regarding Angels. And although his initial efforts made NERV and its creations possible, seeing the end results always gave him a reflexive stab of nausea.

Aside from her outward composure Ritsuko acted like Shiro was part of an extended party within NERV who carried out the strike against Ikari. He could only conclude while it may not have been initiated on SEELE's behest, it was at least executed by Kaji.

He was using a needlessly roundabout approach to stop NERV. The only realistic way Shiro saw to bring the gears to a halt was eliminating the top three: Gendo, Fuyutsuki and Naoko. The actual assassinations would be simple with the proper resources. The aftermath would be chaos.

He reluctantly admitted Ikari was the only person capable of opposing SEELE in open conflict when it came to that inevitable end. This was the prelude, sure to be explained away by Kiel as an isolated act by a jealously unstable daughter chasing on her mother's apron strings. Whatever the rationale, their underlying message was unmistakable: we can get to you any time we wish. But the blackout alone communicated that point clearly. Any further measure was unnecessary.

_And where did Ritsuko's familiarity with the Dummy system come from? _He wondered. _What are they really doing in Germany now that they don't possess an Eva?_

A rap on the office door sent Shiro's hand to the gun in his desk before he could stop himself. The innate paranoia spawned from self-preservation made him keep it there. The cold metal stung his palm.

"It's Ikari Shinji," came from outside to the unasked question. "Are you there, Dr. Katsuragi?"

"I'm here," he answered after a brief hesitation. "The door is open."

A hydraulic track hissed and slid the panel into the wall, revealing a haggard and disheveled boy. His eyes darted up once to confirm the doctor was present and alone, then returned to the floor. His left foot jerked forward before freezing.

"May I come in?"

"Please." He stayed seated at his desk. The gun's metal was warm under his hand. He saw Shinji's lip was swollen and stained with a thick purple bruise. "Take a seat," he said as he saw him linger under the threshold.

Shinji approached, startling slightly as the door automatically shut at his back. He shuffled across the room and warily settled in the offered chair.

"I know the office isn't very inviting," Shiro said by way of apology, "but if NERV was concerned about hospitality it wouldn't be underground."

It really was a bleak room, he thought. The chaos of Naoko's office granted a disorganized warmth that clearly spoke of human occupation. Shiro possessed a more conventional system. Aside from the necessary files, equipment, and a meager collection of accessories including an ashtray for Naoko, the room was as ascetic as when he first saw it.

"Can I help you with something?" He twisted in his chair to face his visitor, the edge of the desk hiding his body.

Shinji had wilted in his seat like a dead flower. His head was slung down, the chin resting over his chest. His back bowed under its own weight. Shiro noticed he was wearing his undershirt: the top of his school uniform was gone.

"If I…" He trailed off, still staring at the floor. The hands in his lap curled around each other. The knuckles were white. Finally a long breath slithered from his throat and Shinji spoke. "Could you tell me about my mother?"

Shiro's hand slipped away from the gun with a caress.

"Of course."

* * *

End of chapter 8

Author notes: show of hands. Who saw Touji's exit coming? Predictable, but it will hopefully lead to some unexpected things. Next time: Leli-chan is introduced and subsequently killed, Asuka discovers bodies are overrated, and Rei develops a sweet tooth. I'll explain her reasoning for murder and mayhem so don't bitch at me yet.

Waste of space notes: during the power outage episode, how come Section 2 didn't pick the kids up? Wouldn't they have a security detail on them in the city? Then again, that wouldn't facilitate the events the creators wanted to portray. Just like it wouldn't facilitate the crap I wanted to portray here.

OMAKE. SO OBVIOUS IT DIDN'T NEED TO BE WRITTEN.

Shinji followed Rei through the thematically cliché long and dark hallway, which was symbolic of his lack of direction in life, his willingness to follow others, and confusion regarding his sexual orientation. She was faster than he imagined she'd be in a pitch-black hallway. Since Shinji was afraid of the dark and desperately, desperately lonely, he broke into a full panic-stricken weepy sprint after the cold, emotionless, scary, tactless, awkward, possibly evil girl who bothered to sort of pay attention when he spoke.

She slipped through a door and he dove after her, skidding to a halt at her feet. Rei stepped over him and locked the door, bolted it, fused it shut with a blowtorch, and swallowed the key.

Shinji took a break from tasting the floor to scan the room. There was a large heart-shaped rotating bed on a dais in the center, slowly revolving beneath an oversized mirror mounted on the ceiling. Blue silk sheets flowed over it to the floor like a waterfall. Flower petals dotted the bed, and the scent of lilac tickled his nose.

Then Shinji noticed the leather straps hanging from the headboard. And the assortment of whips, flails and paddles lined up on a rack next to it. Ball gags, handcuffs, clothespins, candles and spools of thick rope littered a pair of bedside tables. Professional-grade video equipment was strategically positioned around the room. Shinji began to feel worried.

"What is this?" he breathed.

"An opportunity," she said.


	9. Narcissus Blinks

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion.

* * *

He watched Naoko stroll down the main hall of the science wing towards him and felt a cold rush of dread. Shiro put off this encounter as long as possible, and between their respective duties following the MAGI's sabotage it was less a challenge than an exercise in scheduling.

She looked haggard. She was professional as ever, her clothes clean and pressed, her hair and makeup meticulously crafted, but no amount of cosmetic obfuscation could mask her exhaustion and age.

Naoko straightened as she approached, halting within a stride of him. After a furtive glance to assure they were alone she leaned up to surprise him with a peck on the lips.

"Good morning," she said with a tired smile.

"Good morning," he repeated numbly.

"Don't look at me like that," Naoko glowered. "I know it's early but you could at least pretend to be receptive."

"I wasn't complaining. I just wasn't expecting that."

"What were you expecting?" She waved it away and began walking again. He followed, falling into step at her side. "I suppose it would have been easier to simply tell you to stop avoiding me now."

"I didn't want to get in your way."

"Even I'm not averse to taking breaks. Woman cannot live by computer alone." Naoko appraised him, the attempt at contrition distorting his face, and decided it didn't matter if he was sincere or not. "Did you see Ritsuko before she left?"

"What?" The blood ran ice in his veins.

"She returned to Germany a few days ago, before the MAGI were attacked. Honestly, it's a relief to know she wasn't involved. Not that I suspected her of anything but it's better if she's away from this situation."

"You're sure she wasn't involved?" Shiro asked carefully.

"The MAGI operate with a series of independent random variable-producing—" She saw his brow wrinkling. "It means what happened could not be executed with a time delay or remote command without my authorization. You'd have to be onsite interfacing with the MAGI directly."

"That is a relief."

"So she didn't say goodbye to you either? I shouldn't be surprised. She never attended to civil formalities." Naoko frowned in regret for how she raised her daughter, and how her daughter raised herself. "I also shouldn't be surprised Kaji was able to catch her."

"Kaji?"

"He told me he escorted her out. Apparently there was some sort of mishap with the German branch's MAGI and she had to leave immediately."

"I didn't hear about that," Shiro said.

"I received the official error report this morning. One of the nearby cities the base relies on for power suffered an outage from a maintenance failure and the onsite tech division couldn't handle the emergency without Ritsuko."

"The timing's convenient."

"I know. There has to be an extended network of saboteurs at work. The American branches haven't reported any problems but they never do unless it benefits them directly." Naoko shook her head to dismiss the subject. She gestured to a panel on the wall marking their location, closing in on the testing chambers. "Were you planning on observing the synch test this morning?"

"I want to be on hand if any of the power relays to the simulation plugs were compromised."

"It's a bit late in the game to be developing paranoia."

"Who said it's developing?" He paused at the door to the synch bridge, looking back as Naoko stopped walking. "What is it?"

"I heard you've been spending a lot of time with Shinji-kun lately." Her lips bent in a hesitant grimace. "Are you sure that's a wise idea?"

"No."

"Then why do it?"

"I'm the one who gave him the motivation to stay and fight," Shiro said without pride. "I can at least answer his questions."

"Is that all you're doing?"

"I'm telling him what he needs to hear," he responded. He paused to consider her unspoken intimation. "No, I suppose it's not all. It's nothing but reinforcement."

_For who?_ she thought resignedly.

They entered the test bridge together. Maya was at the head terminal directing the other techs, her commands exacting without shame.

"She's really thrown herself into her work lately," Shiro remarked.

"She doesn't have much else to throw herself at," Naoko replied with a wry grin.

They allowed Maya to exercise her limited authority, waiting in silence for the preparations to conclude. Out of respect and tradition Dr. Akagi commenced the synchronization test and the Children's faces appeared on the main monitor beneath sloping graphs displaying their proficiency. Rei looked tranquil. Asuka's brow was wrinkled at the bridge of her nose. Shinji appeared to be fighting off sleep.

His face was thin and pale. His eyes were sunken and ringed with shadow. That tired, vacant expression accompanied his every action lately. He spoke and acted without interest. His clothes and hair were rumpled and dirty. He was sluggish, moving through the base in an awkward shuffle. His entire body seemed too heavy for him.

Shiro hadn't expected a miraculous conversion into a happy, energetic child after their talks but this reaction was disconcerting. Shinji only visited when he had to be at the base for a test or drill, and made no attempt at outside communication. He was silent when they met, save a few brief questions to facilitate his wishes.

The more time they spent together the more Shiro questioned the boy's sudden thirst for knowledge. He seemed content beforehand to let fantasy dictate his mother's identity and was now intentionally destroying it. Nothing in the Section-2 surveillance reports appeared consequential enough to spur such a drastic change in behavior and although he was subdued Shinji didn't seem to be spiraling into a deeper depression. It's pointless not to know, was the only answer he gave Shiro.

Naoko moved to the control console and leaned over Maya to flip the intercom switch.

"Shinji-kun, what's wrong? Your score's slipping. You're not concentrating."

"_Sorry, ma'am,"_ he said without opening his eyes. _"I'll try harder."_

Naoko arched an eyebrow and slowly stepped back.

"Is there a problem?" Shiro asked.

"I don't think so. He's just never been so… compliant before. And he called me ma'am."

"He called me ma'am earlier," Maya said without looking away from her terminal. "During the prep. It took me by surprise, too." She shrugged. "Maybe he doesn't know my name."

"I'm not complaining," Naoko told her as she pointed to his synch score, "but it would be nice if he followed through. He hasn't made any significant improvement for weeks."

"A high synchronization does not ensure success." That earned Shiro a dirty glare and he shut his mouth.

"Without one anything else is meaningless."

The score was low but Shiro knew the boy a lot to think about. Shinji's new deferential willingness may be nothing more than a way to avoid people and give himself time to continue assimilating his life as a pilot. Anticipating disaster was fundamental to Shiro's early research, as well as NERV's current survival; it was difficult to not expect the worst in this situation. The reason Shinji kept returning to him may not be entirely good or bad, but he did keep coming back. He displayed commitment to the Eva. Shiro had to be doing something right. He felt a glimmer of contentment and did not kill it, though he knew he should. He knew it could not last.

* * *

Filiation

Chapter 9: Narcissus Blinks

* * *

"This is a troubling development," Fuyutsuki said.

Ikari Gendo's office was not conducive to holding conferences but it was the most secure area in the base outside Terminal Dogma. It was also one of the most conspicuous, and the crew no longer thought anything of their commanders spending hours at a time holed up in it. It allowed them to discuss sensitive matters without drawing attention to their absence.

Fuyutsuki still thought the size of the room was absurd but it did intimidate the underlings. It also granted the sense of detached peace Ikari preferred for strategic reflection. He watched his commander across the desk, his chin loosely propped up by one hand as he followed the briefing from a dossier. He looked like he was idly scanning a crossword puzzle.

"Troubling?" Naoko echoed at Fuyutsuki's side. "This could undermine everything."

"Let's focus on the present. What is our security situation?"

"The MAGI are back online and fully operational. There are no traces of foreign programs. Regardless, I've restricted non-essential personnel to basic functions. No one below level A clearance can access sensitive systems or their peripheries. It will slow us down but scheduling isn't a priority right now. Security patrols have also been doubled. I handled all of this myself; there was no delegation."

"None of that should surprise anyone," Fuyutsuki said. "They'll tolerate existing in a state of lockdown until we deem it unnecessary. What about Unit-00 and Rei?"

"They are the same issue," Gendo said, finally speaking. "Place a freeze on Unit-00 for battle operations."

"It won't be difficult to create an error report," Naoko told them, "ostensibly from complications stemming from the blackout. It's the best justification we can produce."

"I can't imagine our less steadfast associates will accept that at face value."

"If they don't, we won't be able to change their minds short of a costly and dramatic display. We don't have time for that kind of nonsense."

"Our credibility isn't at its highest right now," Fuyutsuki said, "and there are those who never considered us credible to begin with."

"Irrelevant," Gendo said. "Unit-00 will be frozen. Acceptance is not necessary."

"Very well." The Sub-Commander closed the report before him, signaling defeat. "Doctor, we'll leave it to you. Please complete it as soon as possible."

Naoko collected her briefings and stood, offering a modest bow. She appreciated the older man's attempts at professional courtesy but she preferred Ikari's straightforward orders. He knew what he wanted and made sure everyone else knew. It engendered efficiency and deference, both essential for NERV to function.

"Sir?" she asked, deciding a little exploitation of civility couldn't hurt. "I was wondering if a suspect has been named in the security investigation."

"If it concerns you, you will be told. Is there anything else?"

"No, sir." She hid her flinch at the Sub-Commander's sudden brusque tone. She didn't think it was outside her bounds and didn't expect to be treated like a grunt. She turned on her heel, hot and angry from the private humiliation. She left the office, the heavy doors swinging shut behind her with an echoing rumble.

"She won't tolerate being kept in the dark forever," Fuyutsuki sighed when they were alone. "Sooner or later she will find out about her daughter."

"Then sooner or later she will deal with it. Akagi knows where her priorities are."

"I'll let that be your headache then." He reached into an attaché case by his chair and produced two folders. "The freeze on Unit-00 is only a temporary solution. The Committee won't stand for a third of our operational force being decommissioned indefinitely. While they do have more pressing issues at the moment, so do we." He slid a folder across the desk.

"The Suzahara incident," Gendo said, opening the file. "What of the boy's family?"

"They've been relocated to Hakone where we can still keep an eye on them. Obviously they weren't told the details, just enough to know to leave it alone. All it took was pension for the father and medical care for the daughter. She lost her right leg during Unit-00's initial sortie."

"The public?"

"We're presenting the family's departure as a requested transfer brought on by the influx of refugees from Tokyo-2 after the Jet Alone incident. The city has been getting a bit crowded. They have no family or close ties here. It hasn't raised any concerns."

"How did it happen?"

"Let me see," Fuyutsuki said as he cleared his throat, nonplussed by the sudden shift in topic.

The Section-2 report recounted Rei's activities over the past two weeks. She began varying her pace to and from school, but not her path. On the morning of the blackout she deviated into the city's urban eastside which swarmed with refugees. Surveillance lost her in the crowd, only reestablishing contact once she surfaced back on her normal route where she fell into a deliberate pace, loitering near the crosswalk where Shinji found her.

"Section-2 lost them again when Rei led him to the fourth access tunnel in Sector K," Fuyutsuki read from the file. "Normally it wouldn't be a problem but with the auto-lock doors it was virtually inaccessible. By the time Section-2 reached the area from route eight the power was on and the Children were gone."

He flipped a page to refresh his memory.

"The forensics team found traces of blood and hair in one of the storage rooms, on the floor and the corner of a desk. The Suzahara boy was apparently pulled or pushed onto it headfirst."

"Was it cleaned?"

"Not as thoroughly as expected," Fuyutsuki said. "From a casual inspection nothing looked amiss but the evidence was clearly there. She didn't have a lot of time, but still..."

They both knew Rei was too smart and too well trained not to plan for such a contingency; this was not an impulsive decision. It made the lack of care more disconcerting.

"The body?"

"She exploited Section-2's blind spots to transport the, ah, parts."

"Parts," Gendo repeated.

"Our agents found twenty-six bones, including ten teeth," Fuyutsuki said, skimming over a few more pages. "The locations varied within the city but all were in proximity to Rei's routine daily movements. Only bones have been recovered, meaning she had some means of disposing or removing the flesh and muscle, as well as the fluid and internal organs. We're still searching. But we're sure they are from the Suzahara boy."

"Keep investigating." He rubbed his eyes behind his glasses.

"It's troubling that she didn't even try to use remote locations for disposal." He watched Ikari shift subtly. "Leading Section-2 on chases, flaunting her knowledge of the gaps in their surveillance, exploiting our defenses, committing crimes, all this time spent with your son… if I didn't know better I'd say she's goading you."

Rei hadn't tried to hide her increasing association with Shinji but aside from the time spent with him at school there were no visible changes in her behavior until now. They hoped assigning Shinji as Unit-01's sole pilot would instill resentment in Rei and discourage interaction. Even if that approach proved unsuccessful they never expected the current disastrous situation.

_The gambit backfired,_ Fuyutsuki thought. "What is she thinking?" He closed the folder and looked at his commander. "Why not just question Rei directly? Or Shinji-kun?"

"Both would only be another unnecessary risk. Effect must take priority over cause for the moment."

Something in the tone caught his ear and he asked: "Is there something else?"

"Tuesday was the anniversary," Gendo said after a short debate. His eyes hid behind the shimmer of his glasses. "He didn't visit the grave."

"Shinji-kun?" Fuyutsuki asked carefully. "He didn't visit the last three years, either."

It disturbed Fuyutsuki on a deep, private level. He was certain Shinji would visit his mother this time. The proximity of the Memorial added to the reinforced estrangement with his father should have assured it. The combined weight of the war, Rei and his isolation may have proven too much. Katsuragi undoubtedly influenced the boy as well but he would eventually lose his significance.

Gendo was silent, looking off to his left. The towering windows at his back were filled with harsh midmorning sun. The mirror system lining the Geofront ceiling accurately recreated conditions on the surface, and along with the landscaping and artificial atmosphere drawn from the city it was too easy to forget where they were, what they were in.

"We have been caught unawares too often as of late," he spoke at last.

"Then perhaps," Fuyutsuki said, "it's time we subtract some of the variables."

* * *

_Maybe I meant it._

Unit-01 sang around him. The electric current throbbing through it was an unrelenting heartbeat. Shinji could not clearly recall how he came to be inside it. Days passed since the last synch test and he spent the time in a state of troubled half sleep curled on his bed. That was how Section-2 found him when they entered his apartment to deliver him to NERV.

There was only a distant impression of violation at realizing they had access to his home, a sense of how he was supposed to feel. It was the same now, waiting in the cage during pre-battle preparations. His mind sunk into the numb pit that shielded him from the terror of impending combat.

He wasn't sure if he was asleep when the Angel alarm rang or if he ignored it. He knew he ignored the disciplinary sermon the Captain threw at him after he arrived. He apologized when it was over and promised to do better. It was the easiest way to make adults leave him alone.

_I wanted him to leave me alone. I wanted him to disappear. I wanted to be done with him._

He felt stretched, his body expanding to fill the Eva up. His skin pushed against the cold armor. His jaw was heavy, his mouth sealed shut. The platform beneath his metal shod feet lurched. It locked into place below the catapult and his stomach tightened reflexively.

_Mother made this to save people… what's the use of it now? _

After a crushing trip through the lift he was on the city streets. An electric voice from the comm. directed him to where he had to be and he went.

_What gives me the right? Why am I even in this thing again?_

"_Hurry up," _Asuka's voice hissed over the intercom. _"Wake up, Third. Get going."_

He obeyed with minimal awareness, skulking along the streets as he moved into a flanking position. The rifle in his hands was a vague impediment on his mobility. He cleared another block and paused at a squat office building. Kaji said something to Asuka about being too fast or too slow. He couldn't hear properly.

_I knew the table was heavy and wouldn't move. I knew how sharp the edge was._

He saw the Angel, a black striped disk stained on the sky. He set his gun against the crook of his elbow and waited for the reticule to flutter over the target.

_No one's looked for him. No one's asked me anything._

The crosshairs turned red and locked on with a soft tone.

_I knew Ayanami would take care of it._

His finger waited frozen over the trigger.

I wanted him dead.

He's dead because of me.

Three shots screamed across the sky from his right. The Angel vanished and Shinji heard Asuka huff in disbelief as Unit-02 ceased fire. A moment later her voice hitched as panic crept in.

"_This is… a shadow? What is this?"_

"_Shinji-kun,"_ Kaji said over the comm., _"get to Unit-02 now."_

He glided down the streets towards the red 02 blip on his radar, swinging his rifle in a slow arc to relocate his target.

"_I'm not—I don't need help,"_ she said tightly. Her breath was shallow.

"_This isn't—"_

"_I can do this! Let me do this!"_

Shinji was two blocks away when her voice collapsed into a tangle of frantic gasps, then broke off as Unit-02's signal vanished. He crested the final street and saw an umbilical cord being sucked into a sprawling black mass that was swallowing the city. Buildings sank at unnatural angles like crippled ships in the ocean.

He glanced up and saw the striped Angel stuck in the sky again. He snapped his rifle up.

"_Don't fire,"_ Naoko said quickly. _"We can't risk losing Unit-01, too."_

"What should I do?" Shinji asked. He watched the world fall away. Voices whispered in static bursts over the comm. "What about Soryu?"

"_Fall back,"_ Kaji bit out. _"That's an order."_

* * *

The crew indulged Dr. Akagi in her academic fetishism as she explained the MAGI's plan for salvaging Unit-02. Rei appreciated the use of that term; this was not a rescue mission, despite the Captain's sudden bout of parental concern.

She arrived a half-hour earlier after the freeze on Unit-00 was rescinded to assist in the operation. Rei knew it was only a matter of time before her eventual reactivation since Soryu seemed incapable of doing anything on her own besides failing.

Rei left the briefing area after waiting long enough to ensure no one had a use for her prior to the mission. Duty superseded consideration. In their minds her identity began and ended as First Child. It was their nature to cling to expectation and predictability. It allowed them to fall into the seductive comfort of routine without a reason to exist beyond the immediate. It let them suppress thought to the bare minimum required for survival, seeing the world through squinted eyes to obscure the wretchedness that composed their entire being.

That gave humans a sense of power over the world. If nothing changed they wouldn't have to change. Once that false perception of control was torn away the flimsy walls barricading a human's heart crumbled to reveal their true selves.

Suzahara lacked the patience and foresight to deny his impulses. She knew he would take the first chance for revenge he saw. Finding his home and luring him through the morning crowd to a NERV access route entry was effortless. He was physically stronger but untrained, and overconfident from their last encounter; subjugation proved no difficulty either. The only real work was keeping the bile down from touching him while she transported his body, and again as she bound his hands loosely enough to let him escape when he tried.

The school's furnace served as Suzahara's funeral pyre. Every day she threw another piece of flesh in its waiting maw, and every day its belly turned it to bubbling ash. She had to suppress the smile crawling under her lips thinking about the smog belching into the sky and drifting through the city where the rest of the humans breathed it in, filled themselves up with it. Filth sucking in filth.

Finding inconspicuous places to dispose of the rest became a game. She watched the mindless insects swarm the city; students on trams, adults strolling in the shadow of buildings and children playing in parks all unwittingly passed the leftover bones from one of their own.

Rei knew the Commander would discover her accomplishment and found herself unconcerned. The longing to see Shinji liberated from the shackles of humanity overshadowed the fearful obedience to NERV that defined her existence. Now there was just the desire, a maddening corrosive need surging through her and demanding action. It was worth any risk; she could be replaced or killed or shattered into a million pieces without regret just for the opportunity to free him. It was the sole chance she had to choose a meaning for her existence.

Subtle means wasted what little time she possessed. A tree branch bent under weight but could endure years before breaking. A swift, violent force would snap it in half. Shinji was broken, hanging by the last tenuous threads to the fetid world of hypocrisy and deceit around them. She saw it in his actions and behavior with others. He stopped attending school. He only left his apartment for scheduled appointments at NERV. He took meals at the base and smuggled out what he did not finish.

He was isolating himself, eroding the layers of emotional restrictions civilization forced onto him. Katsuragi was a regretful miscalculation but ultimately ineffective. That man's fairytales could not suppress reality forever. Such pretense was a speck of waste before the purity of hate she and Shinji shared in their hearts.

Rei travelled the cluttered platforms of the temporary command base, passing terminals with exposed wiring and heavy cords snaking over the floor. She found Shinji near the western edge, leaning on a guardrail as he looked out over what was left of the city and the Angel suspended above it. The area was cordoned off by unassembled equipment and supplies stacked high in large metal crates.

Rei approached his side to watch his profile. There was no sign of fear or anger or interest.

"He had to die," she said without preamble.

"Stop it," he told her without turning. He sounded indifferent.

"It was the opportunity we needed."

"Stop it."

"I have taken care of it. You do not have to concern yourself."

"Stop it."

"It will not matter if anyone looks for him. There is nothing left to find."

"_Stop it."_

Rei followed his gaze out over the dark void of the Angel, the remaining city buildings at its periphery jutting up like teeth.

"Do you suppose Soryu experienced death as he did?"

Shinji spun on her. His hands found her shoulders and drove her against a crate behind them. The impact sounded with a dull thud. She did not make a noise.

"I told you to stop," he said. His voice was low and uneven.

He kept her in place, breathing hard through his nose. Her face remained placid and unafraid. He pulled her close and she did not resist. Even through the plugsuit she was soft and warm. He pressed her flat against him until the contact was painful. He felt her, all curves and heat, her lips so close he could taste the bored exhalation whispering from her nose.

He needed her to react, to scream or cry or hit him or even blush, anything to make him know this was wrong. It would prove everything she said before was a lie, a game to torment him for being a novice pilot or the Commander's spawn or a boy or a human or whatever reason she latched onto. If she accepted this it made it all true. That she was the girl who led him into the insane red world of hate and death.

Shinji searched her eyes. She refused him any reaction.

He pushed her back as hard as he could. Rei hit the wall with a shuddering jolt, her skull striking the metal with a dull ring. The arms jutting from his body slipped out of his control into a comforting numbness as he watched Rei again be drawn to him and again be thrown back. Their bodies shuddered together in a steady rhythm, each thrust marked by a hollow crash that blanketed his ears from the rest of the world. Sweat slithered down his face, burning his eyes and wetting his lips.

Rei was limp in his hands, her head lolling back and forth with every push. Something frightening and violent ignited inside her, swelling and churning before suddenly exploding excruciating fire through her veins. She clutched his forearms and he froze while her body continued shaking on its own. Her head fell back, her eyes gawked vacantly into the sky, her face discolored with blotches of red, her mouth split apart in a silent halo. She suffered in blank submission until a final wrenching spasm tore through her body and her legs slipped out under her. Shinji couldn't keep her up and she sluiced into a pile of limbs at his feet.

"What—" He staggered back and pinned his hands under either arm. _What did I do?_

Rei remained splayed beneath him choking for breath. Sweaty hair clung to her head. He couldn't see her face.

Shinji knew he was supposed to run away from this—it was unknown, he did something bad—but his feet refused to comply. He stared down at Rei as she panted.

"What would be the point?" he whispered. The shame leached into the dark pit where the rotting remains of his other emotions welcomed it with greedy hands. "I run away but they make me come back. I hide but they find me. I hate them but they don't let me forget. Everything I do is useless."

I'm already the lowest. Nothing could make me any lower. So it doesn't matter what I do now.

"_Attention,"_ Maya's voice crackled over the loudspeaker. _"Operations to begin in t-minus thirty minutes. All personnel report to your designated posts. Pilots of Unit-01 and Unit-00 report to the cage. Repeating: operations begin in…"_

Shinji stared down at Rei.

"C-can you—"

His mouth twisted shut and he balled his fists. He didn't want to be nice to her. She made him scared, she made him suffer, she made him hear and see and do terrible things. She made him hurt her. It was her fault.

"Get up."

Rei slowly pressed her back against the wall and tried to push her body up. Her knees buckled and she fell.

A strange rush of anger pricked under his skin when she failed to do what he told her. _She tried to do something he told her_.

"I said get up."

She struggling to her feet and managed to stay on them. He left for the cage.

_Don't run,_ he told himself as she hobbled after him. _Don't run. There's nowhere to run to._

* * *

Nebulous jet streams painted the night sky in uneven white bars, dragging an unremitting growl of thunder behind them. The JSSDF bombers flashed once as they released their payload, a thousand points of light in the dark. The lights fell like glimmering shooting stars and filled the world with a heavy whine as they pierced the air.

Units- 00 and 01 stood facing one another on opposite edges of the Angel, awaiting the arrival of the plummeting storm of N2 mines. They gained definition and form with merciless haste, a dense flock of shade blotting out the heavens.

The mines plunged through the Angel's floating shadow and it vanished. The Evas' AT-Fields flared to life, directing the explosives to the abyss that swallowed Unit-02. The world lost all form as the mines released a brilliant inferno into the void, making it distend and warp like an angry sea. Jagged fissures mushroomed over the black surface and broke open to belch pillars of white fire that snaked into the sky. The AT-Fields strained and shook as the flames twisted together in a shaft of light that lit the sky like the finger of God.

The fire collapsed and the Angel was reduced to a vicious conflagrated wasteland.

"Blue pattern gone," Hyuuga reported tightly. "Angel is terminated, sir."

"Where's Unit-02?"

"I don't know. There's still no signal. Do you think—"

"Don't waste time with that," Naoko snapped. "Just find it."

She jumped slightly when Kaji swore at her side and saw Unit-01 scrambling out onto the blast site. The armor on its legs immediately began to bubble from the heat.

"Shinji-kun! What are—" The Captain slapped a palm on the console before him. "Stay in position! That's an order!"

The Evangelion slogged through the fiery pool of metal and stone that had been Tokyo-3. Its purple shell was scorched into a blanket of brown sludge.

"Should we cut Unit-01's power?"

"We have no means of retrieving it out there. We have to wait for Shinji-kun to do whatever he's—"

"Oh, God," Maya breathed, going pale. "Asuka."

Naoko leaned forward and strained her eyes, seeing only the molten sea of white fire. A wave of flame swelled and collapsed and she saw a sliver of discoloration. Shinji rushed past it in a flood of smoke and fire, and Naoko realized it was one of Unit-02's legs. Next to it, too far away, its right arm. Then its head, collapsed like a used candle. Shinji passed them all, wading through hardening ash, to what was left of 02's torso. He scooped it up and cradled it to his chest as its metal and tissue melted over his arms.

"Scramble the emergency coolant team," Kaji ordered.

Unit-01 stumbled past the edge of the blast zone in a mess of liquefied metal and burning flesh. It kneeled with the remains of Unit-02 and moved back as a squad of VTOLs swept in to shower them both with rapid-cooling foam. Hissing white steam belched above the city with billowing tendrils until air currents dispersed them and returned to blanket the earth in a pervasive saturating haze. From the command deck Unit-01 was a smudge of shadow.

"Retrieve whatever's left."

* * *

Shiro took a breath as he stood before the door. Though he questioned the wisdom of volunteering for this he did not regret it. He believed he was the best choice. He gripped his cane, opened the door, and stepped into the NERV hospital recovery room.

"Hello, Asuka."

Her remaining eye pivoted in its socket to him.

Everything was serene under the dull orange gloss of dawn fed from the windows. The floor was soft, the walls released from their prison bleakness. Metal surfaces wore lazy blushes. Harsh edges were blurred into welcoming curves. The ascetic room was made warm and deceptive.

There was just the bed, the death-cheating machines crowding it, and the girl amidst them. Only the right side of her face was free from the gauze shrouding her head and neck. She was left with a small patchwork of hair, a few isolated locks oozing onto her pillow in a limp heap. A small oxygen mask rested over what remained of her nose; a lump of cartilage lined the nasal cavity, the rest of the melted flesh excised to clear her air passage, along with a portion of her upper lip. The body hidden beneath the sheets lacked a right arm, severed at mid-bicep in protection of her head. Both legs were burnt down to the muscle, destroying the nerve endings; amputation was less a possibility than a recommendation.

The medical report told of third degree and deep tissue burns in addition to extensive loss of tactile sensation. Reconstructive surgery and prosthetics would make her presentable, physical therapy would make her mobile, but that was all the help they could offer. It was a miracle she even survived. Shiro hoped she didn't ask for a mirror.

"How's Unit-02?" Her voice was raspy but even.

He took a moment too long to reply and she narrowed her naked brow; the eyebrow was burned off.

"Don't look at me like that," she hissed. She paused as she struggled to swallow. "It's just my body. I don't need it to pilot."

"Asuka," Shiro began, "the damage to Unit-02 was extensive."

"Then you're wasting time here if you're going to fix it."

"Of course we're going to fix it but it will take quite a while. All you should worry about now is resting and—"

"Kaji stopped by before you," Asuka said.

"Did he?" An icy finger trailed down his spine.

"He said NERV abandoned Unit-02. He said it was beyond repair." Her eye never left him. "Which one of you is lying to me?"

His mind shuttered and there was nothing but darkness in his head. His tongue was a wet slug smothering every word. He stared at her in silence.

"Pathetic," she said, and clenched her eye shut. "Stop playing the concerned parent. You suck at it."

"I admit I might not be the most adept at…" Shiro felt his collection of empty platitudes slip away into the blind periphery of his adopted role. He lost focus between what she wanted to hear and what she needed to. "I'm not playing. You know I care."

"No one cared when I beat the last Angel. No one cares when I do anything right." She was breathing hard. The ventilator clicked angrily. Asuka turned her head sharply to face him and her bandages shifted, uncovering a patch of skin by her mouth scorched to a craggy range of blistering red irritation. "You all expect me to do this, and then remember I'm an actual person when I screw up. How many more limbs do you need me to lose before I prove myself?"

"You have proven yourself. I—"

"Don't lie to me again. You've never treated me like a pilot. Every time you apologize or act guilty about sending me out to fight you're spitting in my face. You're saying I'm too weak to do it. Have the spine to follow through with your job."

"Asuka, I never meant to offend you. I only wanted to help. I wasn't diminishing your importance."

"Of course you were! I'm a pilot! I'm a soldier! What is wrong with you?" She bit down over her anger. "I'm not a robot like the First you can order around without feeling guilty, and I failed to satisfy your daddy fantasies like that brat the Third. I'm not a freak like them and you don't know how to deal with it."

Her eye trembled, wide and wet. It shimmered in the dawn light.

He understood the hostility; her body was inconsequential compared to the loss of Unit-02. NERV may keep her close for security reasons but she would never pilot again. Her life no longer had any direction or meaning. What was left for anyone when their delusions of importance to the world crumbled?

"I'm sorry," he told her.

"Sorry?" Her face turned placid for a breath before twisting in fury. "I am Soryu Asuka Langley! I am the Second—" She froze. Her mouth drifted shut and she turned away from him. All emotion bled from her voice. "I don't need your pity and I don't need you. Get out. I'm sick of you. I'm sick of everyone. Don't ever come back."

He left. The door slid shut. He lurched a step to his right and fell against the wall.

Shiro knew he coddled Shinji. He knew he exploited Rei. He knew neither was right.

Right and wrong were pebbles on his path. Easily passed over without a need to determine which was which. To keep the destination in focus he could not look down and he could not look back. Asuka was lost and there was nothing he could do. He couldn't waste any more time on her. The world was depending on him.

Shiro straightened and left the hospital with his head level.

* * *

End of chapter 9

Author notes: I can't be the only one who's wondered what would have happened if Unit-01 didn't break out of Leliel before the mines hit. It was cooler in my head.

I planned to feature Asuka much more in this story but after Rei went sickhouse I had to prioritize. Thus, the copout this chapter. Also, working towards my goal of mutilating all of the Children.

Next time: further proof I can't write Kaji, a mediocre-at-best action scene, and the last moment of intentional levity.

OMAKE

"Alright, people," Naoko called out over the chatter clouding the tiny storage room, "take your seats. We need to get this rehearsal underway. We're running way behind schedule as it is. The director was self-medicating again and the sponsors are getting restless."

"Which means it falls on us to pick up the slack and save this project," Kaji sighed. "As usual."

"You expected anything different?" She sat on a cheap folding chair before a several cardboard boxes that served as their new table. The rest of the cast assembled around her, picking up their poorly Xeroxed scripts. "As you can all see the production budget was cut again, resulting in our new décor."

"And the battle scenes we had planned were all but cut," Fuyutsuki added. "They're nothing but rehashed character interaction and rambling internal monologues now."

A series of angry groans circled the table/box.

"Regardless, we have a job to do. Let's begin." Naoko cleared her throat and began reading. "Episode 9: Narcissus—"

"Pretentious."

"Can we just do this? Thank you. Scene one. Interior NERV hallway. Shiro is—"

"You have got to fucking kidding me."

"Asuka! What are you… are you reading the end already?"

"I wish I hadn't. Look at this crap. I get mutilated and burned alive." She threw her script on the floor. "First I'm relegated to a secondary cast member, then I get my ass handed to me during my debut battle, and now I'm effectively dead. This is bullshit and you know it."

"Yeah," Shinji spoke up as he skimmed ahead. "When I read 'sex scene with Rei' in the prerelease packet this was not what I expected."

"How many times must I be assaulted?" Rei asked.

"Why would I care if my wimpy, ungrateful kid failed to visit my hot wife's grave?" Gendo wondered.

"We don't have any creative input," Shiro tried to explain, ever the brownnosing ACC. "It isn't our place to question the—"

"Shut the hell up. You should be the one missing a couple limbs and sporting a melted face, you cowardly, lying, egotistical, daughter-killing blowhard. You're not even a real character. You don't have a soul."

"I resent the not real part."

"People! Focus! We need to—"

A thunderous alarm cut through everyone's bitching.

"Oh, no," Naoko muttered. "It's the Deus ex Machina alert. The author's abandoning a plausible character-driven resolution for a quick plot device to end this!"

"Not again!"

"I'll never be in another story!"

"Wait! Maybe we can still—"

And then Third Impact happened and everybody died. The end.


	10. The Serpent's Tail

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion

* * *

"It's been a while since you wanted a face-to-face meeting," Shiro said. "So to speak."

He wished the Committee would spare the theatrics and deign to at least grant him a chair. The faceless monoliths towering over him like inscrutable gods of terrible judgment lent to the situation; there was a certain disconnect in discussing the end of the world around an office's conference table. But a degree of accessibility helped to reaffirm the coconspirators' relationship.

"Infrequent correspondence aids your public identity," Five returned. "Any contact is a risk."

"Recent events have forced our hand," Eight said. "Necessity outweighs danger."

"It is because of recent events," Shiro said, "that the main branch has been under such pressure. I may not be integral to the current stabilization efforts but I should remain available."

"Then let us be direct. What is the status of Evangelion Unit-00?"

"It is as Ikari reported it," he stated, preempting the verbal joust. "The power systems are all intact, so my access to the repairs is limited. There's only so much I can do within my role. I'm not privy to all of Ikari and Akagi's thoughts."

"Despite your private involvement with her."

"Despite my private involvement with her."

"You must appreciate our concern," Two said. "The loss of Unit-02, the reduction of our N2 mine arsenal, NERV Japan's increase in security, Dr. Akagi's daughter's disappearance… too much has happened too quickly, even to an innocent eye."

'_Disappearance?'_ Shiro thought. _That's really the position they're taking?_

"With such unforeseen difficulties we are forced to again stretch our limited resources," Seven continued. "NERV Japan is too valuable to leave undefended, regardless of Ikari's intentions."

"In two days NERV's American branch in Massachusetts will send Unit-03 to Japan," One announced, the pomposity of Kiel's voice silencing the chamber. "This does not appear to be unexpected news to you, Doctor."

"With the myriad of problems NERV as a whole currently faces," Shiro began, fully aware of the scrutiny he was under, "rebuilding the main branch's strength had to come from an increase in manpower or funds. Reassigning one of the production models is the logical solution. Though I must admit I'm surprised the US branch submitted to you so quickly."

He was mindful to be deliberate and steady with his responses, a tense effort to be relaxed. Within NERV the seductive delusion of being irreplaceable was easy to fall into. Ikari needed his mind, Naoko needed his willingness to reaffirm her humanity, and Shinji needed his instructions on assembling an emotional crutch. Alone before the Committee Shiro knew he was expendable, the sum of his failings weighed against his usefulness on scales too easily tipped.

"The proposal was at Ikari's behest," Kiel spoke.

"And you went along with it?" Shiro asked, covering the unpleasant surprise.

"As previously stated, the main branch is too valuable to leave undefended."

"Sacrificing Unit-03 to Ikari was less disagreeable than losing one of the final series."

"And Unit-04?" he asked.

"Its purpose was decided before its inception. It is of no concern."

"Now we ask you, Dr. Katsuragi," Three said, "what are Ikari's hopes for Unit-03?"

"I would assume it is for our headquarters' protection," Shiro said. "Beyond that, I suppose I'll ask after he decides to inform me of this transfer. It's disheartening to realize when a collaborator keeps you in the dark. I assume securing a new Evangelion took Ikari longer than this morning."

"Perhaps you have misunderstood," One said, Kiel's voice gruff like a weary schoolteacher. "We are not enemies. It would be wise to keep that in mind."

"And yet we meet like this."

"Do not conflate yourself into our ranks. Your duty lies with the information presented to you, not its timing. If there is nothing left you can provide on this matter you are dismissed."

That was the depth of their courtesy, and Shiro dutifully stood silent as the monoliths sank into the surrounding darkness. The last was Kiel's, towering above him.

"Mankind cannot survive looking to the past. Upon the sacrifices we suffer is the foundation of our ultimate freedom. Do not forget this truth. We do what we must."

* * *

Filiation

Chapter 10: The Serpent's Tail

* * *

Inside NERV Kaji was a mouse running an endless maze. The walls were the same sterile white, indistinguishable save the periodic stenciled numbers and letters marking different sectors. The initial disorientation faded quicker than he expected when he joined, leaving only a mild claustrophobia itching at his awareness. The décor discouraged idle exploration and employees became conditioned to avoid unnecessary travel between shifts, following their schedules like ants in a hive. Kaji sometimes wondered if the Angels followed a similar unconscious directive.

The base was uncomfortably large, despite what it housed. Evangelion units were dependent on an obscene amount of maintenance and resources but the other branches weren't nearly as expansive, even considering Japan held three units. Gathering further information was the obvious route, but Kaji already played most of his hand and options were more limited than ever.

Ritsuko felt discretion was the better part of association and their mutual reasons for sabotage remained their own. Whatever she did certainly put a cramp in his ability to move freely; security was still on high alert and any suspicious action echoed through the whole base. Ritsuko's diversion allowed him to slip through the MAGI's defenses but without additional help Kaji knew it was a onetime opportunity.

He had to applaud Naoko; her system truly was a work of art. He saw it in action, witnessed its speed and ability in solving impossible dilemmas, but looking from the inside out afforded him a new and unique appreciation. It wasn't just the monument to ego he imagined; a dying touch of poetics made Kaji liken it to the hand of God, a hold impossible to break into or escape from.

But humans were at best flawed and their creations suffered accordingly. What once awed his imagination was reduced to a meticulous thirty-ton vault buried in a hole to seal away the dirty secrets of man's last generation. Ritsuko was his willing and able door into it, smart enough to know she wasn't smart enough to beat the system in open conflict. Triggering a brief hiccup was the best she could do but it served its purpose. Now that she was at the mercy of Ikari's merciless judgment, Kaji was on his own again.

Things had dried up with Maya, figuratively and literally. He wasn't sure if it was the attention to Ritsuko, the months of emotional detachment or if she decided to grow up overnight, but he expected an awkward formal termination by the end of the week. Kaji entered her life knowing any connection had an expiration date.

His flirtations with her were common knowledge but her professionalism demanded a public pretense, and it appeared as no more than his usual casual abuse of personnel under him. He missed her for it. Her proximity to the MAGI and Akagi was the easiest path to get information he wasn't supposed to have. Ranks within NERV were strictly homogenized to limit the spread of information, and the liaisons between them were high enough on the totem pole to realize their own culpability.

Ikari didn't micromanage his people because he didn't have to. He created the scenarios they lived in and knew the inevitable path each would choose. Kaji envied the man for that; Gendo pulled the strings on thousands of puppets without any visible effort. But a General without an army is just a one man. The Evangelions were just oversized, overpriced toy soldiers and Ikari Gendo was just a man. SEELE were just men. They needed Ikari, who needed the Eva. And the Eva needed the Children.

_And who do the Children need?_

Kaji walked into the lounge; Shiro would eventually think to look here. He approached the vending machine for some caffeinated sludge to combat the fatigue his forty-hour workday was neck deep in and spotted the one person he wanted to see.

"Hey, Shinji-kun," he greeted. _Saves me from hunting down the little recluse myself_. He threw a smile and a wave to the boy who was on a bench by the far wall, wedged into the corner despite being alone. "Fancy meeting you here. Mind if I join you?"

"If you want."

"We haven't seen each other since the battle." Kaji bought a coffee and took a seat across from him, leaning back against a support pillar jutting up from the floor. "How are you?"

"I'm fine."

"It must have hurt."

"... what?"

"Being burnt like that. I can't imagine what wading through the molten remains of a city must feel like, synchronized pain or not."

Shinji pursed his lips. When he spoke again it was with a defeated self-disgust Kaji thought he was too young for.

"How is Soryu?"

"Fine," Kaji said. "Well, you know her. What happened to Unit-02 is going to be tough for her to work with." He sipped the coffee and gritted his teeth. "Mind if I ask what you're doing here, all cooped up by your lonesome?"

"There's a synch test at ten. I'm waiting."

"Oh, right." He glanced at the clock mounted above the exit. "I've been up for nearly two days and lost any sense of time."

Kaji nursed his drink. He watched Shinji stare passively at the floor from his periphery. The boy's conflict avoidance may be self-taught but he never ignored company before. A degree of emotional detachment was inevitable and probably necessary to live his life, and this reticence may be a natural evolution.

"How's school?"

"I'm not going."

"Why not?" Kaji didn't get an answer. "Don't tell me you're content with NERV being your only source of human contact. Being around adults all the time can't be very exciting. And Asuka and Rei aren't the most sociable teenagers."

_Tactical reassessment,_ Kaji thought as Shinji's face turned into something unsettling. He was so steeped in the world of politely deceptive egotism, dealing with someone lacking that public pretext was trying. _You'll never be his friend. Probably his first friend._

"You've been around Katsuragi a lot lately, right? What are you two doing?"

"Talking," Shinji said after a moment.

"Ah." Kaji rotated his wrist, making the ring of coffee sitting at the bottom of the cup swirl. "Do you know what he does here?" He earned a shrug for his question. "He's in charge of research and development of power systems for the Evangelion units. It sounds straightforward but it's not like putting a battery in a car. To be honest, it's over my head. But without him this place likely wouldn't exist. He's a member of the alumni around here."

Shinji studied the intricacies of the tile floor.

"Katsuragi was here with Dr. Akagi and the Commanders during the construction of NERV." Kaji set his cup beside him on the bench. "I suppose the founders of such a sophisticated weapon as the Evangelion are bound to stick together, even without Ikari Yui leading the way."

He was disappointed with the lack of reaction. Shiro was a thorough storyteller.

"Katsuragi must have told you a lot about her," he continued. "Does it bother you that everyone around here knows more about your mother than you?"

"I was very young when she died."

Something about how candidly he referred to her death made Kaji pause. He stopped the debate forming in his mind before it could solidify.

"Did you know Katsuragi had a daughter?" he asked. "Apparently she died during the Second Impact. I know Akagi told you about what really happened then. Katsuragi led the expedition to the Pole and was there when the Angel woke up. He was the only survivor. I think his daughter was about your age. I don't think he's ever gotten over it."

"I'm not his daughter," Shinji said quietly.

"No, you're not." Kaji abruptly rose. "Do you like coffee?"

"What?"

"I normally wouldn't recommend kids get hooked on the stuff," he went on as he demanded a new empty cup from the machine, "but it's the best thing to wake you up."

"I'm not—"

"It might get Akagi off your back for your synch test." His free hand slipped into his pocket.

"I don't—"

"I insist. It'll be good for you." Kaji filled the cup. He ran the machine again, letting the liquid fall into the catch drain beneath the nozzle. "Here you go," he said, thrusting it at the boy. "You can pay me back later. NERV's budgetary restraints aren't suspended for employees, you know."

Shinji looked down at the empty cup. A thin flash drive lay at the bottom in a puddle of dirtied water. He called after Kaji as he was leaving the lounge.

"What are you doing?" Shinji looked at him like a stranger.

"I told you," he said, throwing a wave over his shoulder as he walked away, "you looked like you needed something to wake you up."

Kaji left down the hall. There was no use postponing the other meeting on his itinerary. He drifted through the maze at a steady pace to avoid suspicion and allow a doctor with a bum leg to catch up.

After wasting enough time admiring the scenery he let his feet carry him to his office in the tactical division's department. Common sense and their mutually treasonous after work activities forbid overtly contacting Katsuragi for anything besides official Eva-related business, but he had a trip to prepare for and the Doctor had to be itching for a confrontation by now.

"Here I go out of my way to haunt all my regular hangouts so you'll find me," Kaji said as he found Shiro outside his door, "and you're just waiting at my office. You lazy old man."

"You told Asuka Unit-02 was destroyed?"

"Right to the point." He opened his office and offered passage. "Come into my parlor. We can gossip while I pack."

Shiro entered. Their respective public personas didn't allow verbal sparring in an open hallway anyway. "You said, pack," he repeated as Kaji shut the door and passed him.

"I thought it was a joke too but apparently the US branch in Massachusetts really is sending us Unit-03. Nice to know we're not totally alone in this."

"Except in regards to risk and responsibility."

"Ever the pessimist," Kaji said. "Akagi and I will be picking up 03 at Matsushiro. I suppose it's best to keep the Americans from getting too accustomed to issuing orders. Besides, there's our sterling image of security to uphold. We can't allow a foreign force with an unknown Evangelion into our headquarters without any precautions." He gave a short laugh through his nose. "And here I thought we were all supposed to be on the same team."

"The only thing that keeps allies from being enemies is opportunity."

"Is that caution or experience coloring that rosy outlook for mankind?"

"A little of both," Shiro said, already tired of their pseudo-philosophy. He watched him gather effects from a desk; files, discs, a laptop, a gun. "Why did you tell Asuka?"

"Why didn't you?"

"… have you gone to see her since then?" he asked instead.

Kaji finished filling a small duffel bag and zipped it shut. He looked over the office, a little surprised at how orderly it was aside from a collection of stray coffee cups. It was smaller than he expected for his position but bigger than he needed. Like most of NERV's private areas it was simple and sparsely decorated. A desk, file cabinets, extra chair, white walls. It was no different than the thousands of others, just as useless.

"The truth was less of a crime than using a lie to keep her motivated," he answered. "It's only a matter of time before NERV officially revokes her status as a Children. After everything forced on her she deserved to know the truth. Do I really need to explain this to you?"

"I suppose I'm not in a position to judge you for Asuka," Shiro said, "but your actions with Ritsuko were a mistake." He watched Kaji hesitate as he picked up the duffel bag. "Suicide is traditionally a solo undertaking. They won't look the other way this time."

Kaji knew the freeze on Unit-00 had to be the direct result of whatever Ritsuko did when he flipped the light switch on the MAGI. While he was content with a little data theft at the time, she obviously had bigger plans. Her target wasn't Unit-00; Ikari used it in the last battle, albeit in a support role. Regardless of her actions if someone as self-absorbed as Katsuragi put things together time was less of a luxury than usual.

"They've never looked the other way," Kaji said. "A better consideration is how long _you're_ willing to. NERV has escaped responsibility for the past fifteen years because we've let it. Tell me; was it worth it?"

"You're giving both of us an awful lot of undue credit."

"Then what did your daughter die for?" Kaji asked.

There were moments since the Impact where conversations or events had the ability to make a sliver of sick fear worm through Shiro to the partitioned part of his consciousness that screamed murderer. Sometimes all that escaped the breach was a chill of quick shame, sometimes a physically reeling guilt. Hate always beat it back and sealed it in place and he was free to live again. The disgrace of his past and the desire to break Kaji's face apart were flashes of semi-conscious impulse, and passed in a breath. If the Captain didn't want a rational argument he chose the worst candidate to indulge him.

"There was no meaning," Shiro said.

"Then let's end this conversation before I say anything else I'll regret later. This is just one more thing we'll never agree on, and I've got a VTOL to catch." Kaji slung the bag over his shoulder and opened the office door. "I'm due at Matsushiro with Akagi. Don't worry; I'll keep my hands to myself."

* * *

Twilight saturated the valley in a muddy red blush. The sloping hills snaking around it and cultivated fields within rested patiently for the last heavy moments before night. Unit-01 lay flat on a leveled plateau halfway up a forested slope, the barrel of its sniper rifle jutting forward through the trees to the narrow mouth of the valley.

"_Shinji-kun," _Shiro said from within NERV, _"the target is approaching from the northwest. You're beyond the reach of the city's defensive network but the MAGI estimate your current position will give you the clearest shot when it appears. Stopping it here offers the highest chance for success."_

"Where's the Captain?" Shinji asked. "He usually tells me this kind of stuff."

"_He and Dr. Akagi went to the Matsushiro base for a test, but there was an accident,"_ Maya told him and paused for the appropriate shocked concern. She was disappointed. _"We, I mean, we haven't received any definite reports from the ground yet but it's only a matter of time. Recovery teams are en route now and—"_

Shiro cut over the desperation slithering into her speech: _"The Commander will be directing this operation."_

Silence floated over the comm. channel. Shinji surprised himself by how dull the resentment was. There were too many other things eager to be selected first, all getting mixed and distorted into a thick haze clouding his brain. His awareness roused with a lurch, triggered by the heavy stench of blood he tried not to notice.

"What about Unit-00?"

"_Letting it sortie last battle while still not fully repaired proved too stressful. It has been placed back on combat freeze."_

The spark fizzled and was swallowed by the haze.

"_Shinji-kun,"_ Hyuga broke in, _"the enemy's approaching the pass ahead of you. Standby for target acquisition."_

The valley dimmed with the lengthening shadows of dusk. A spindly form of angles slid into view from behind a hill, appearing like a dense plume of smoke from an angry fire.

"An Eva," he muttered as the shape earned recognition. Something itched at the fearful part of his brain.

"_It's an Angel. It doesn't matter what it looks like."_ Silence. _"Shinji-kun?"_

"Who's the pilot?"

"_I'm not sure…"_ Maya began.

"_There is no pilot,"_ Shiro said. _"The Angel invaded it before anyone could board_._ It was responsible for the explosion at Matsushiro."_

He sounded normal, the same detached cadence that lulled him to an orphan's self-pitying depths so many times before.

"_Fire as soon as you get a positive lock on it. Aim for the head."_

The thing swayed as it walked, like a reed in the wind. It was a black darker than the shadows. The targeting computer's reticule twitched towards the Angel's heat signature, a blotchy throb of orange-red fire. The sniper rifle pinged softly as it aligned and Shinji squeezed the trigger.

The hill shuddered as the shot screamed down the valley. The Angel twisted away at an impossible angle, launching itself into the sky and landing on all fours. The sniper round impacted the face of a rocky mound, turning it into a swirling cloud of grey debris. The Angel cocked its head and charged forward to Unit-01 like a mad dog. Its jaw swung open to display stumpy planks of metal teeth curling up in an obscene grin.

Shinji struck earth with his next two shots; the targeting computer couldn't keep up with the enemy's erratic movements. Unit-01 abandoned the sniping point and fell back to a weapons cache at its rear, hefting up a pallet rifle and swinging about-face. The muzzle blazed to life and spewed fire down the hill.

Unit-03 began scaling the mount, snapping entire trees underfoot and clawing up massive slabs of dirt. The rest of the land surrounding it was reduced to jagged black trenches by a hail of gunfire as Unit-01 clear-cut the forest. A few rounds scored superficial wounds but the Angel's speed propelled it forward until it slid into a crouch, tensing its muscles to pounce.

Shinji dropped the rifle and deployed his progressive knife. He threw a clumsy slash as the black Eva launched itself at him, missing entirely as it sailed over his head. A colossal weight slammed onto his back and forced him to the ground. He barely felt the knife slip from his grasp.

They tumbled in a pile of limbs. It was on his back, a heel in the crook of his elbow, a knee wedged at the base of his skull, its arms and torso pinned his legs. Shinji couldn't reorient himself to counter before something heavy fell onto his left calf. It was thick like mucus, full of angry blistering needles sliding through his skin and muscle to the bone. He didn't want to scream. He didn't want to give it the authority, the satisfaction.

"_Biological contamination,"_ a voice buzzed in his ear, like a noise from a distant TV set. _"It's infecting Unit-01."_

"_Fusion at three percent and—"_

"_Purge the left leg."_

"_But, the connections—"_

"_Fulfill your orders."_

The limb was torn from his pelvis in a burst of fire and blood. Shinji felt his insides hurrying out in a great steaming mess.

The detonation forced the Evas apart. Shinji's face tore through the earth as his body was thrown upward, scything through the air before crashing to the earth on his back. His intestines rushed up his throat, denied escape by a barricade of clenched teeth.

The red sky above him pulled away as his consciousness flickered, dragging the blaring alarms and radar blips from the cockpit display with it into a tunnel of fading distortion. Dark splotches began congregating at the edges and then he was falling, plummeting into a cold silent place.

_shinji._

Something like a voice reached past his ears. It was a sensation, a concept that flowed through him like water. It was difficult to remember he had different senses and a form to house them.

_sleep, shinji. let me breathe._

The water flowed and diluted him.

_shinji, farewell, shi_

"—_nji-kun! Get up and fight!"_

He let his head fall sideways and saw the progressive knife's handle poking up from a shallow channel the vibrating blade carved in the hillside. A black skull and red eyes hurried into view above him. Unit-01's hand flailed towards the knife.

"_Shinji-kun—!"_

He swung blindly. The blade slid through the air and sunk into the charging Angel's right eye socket. The eyeball burst like a ripe tomato and spewed watery cream down his arm. A deep rumbling groan slipped from Unit-03's maw as it pitched to the side, pulling the knife and 01 with it.

Shinji dragged himself on top of the Angel. He felt it writhe beneath him, the arms and legs twisting with desperate strength. It made him remember the way Rei shook against his body, her heat under his hands, the smell of her sweat. The temptation made him raw all at once. It was sneaky and reflexive, like salivating at the promise of a banquet.

He leaned on the handle and let his weight drive the blade down through its face to the jaw with a gratifying crack of severed bone and muscle. The Angel convulsed and its limbs shuddered without coordination. Unit-01 was pushed off and toppled to the ground beside it. A mass of pale wrinkled tissue sluiced out of the skull. Shinji thought the brain looked like soggy cauliflower.

"_Incapacitate the Angel,"_ his father's voice crept over the comm.

"… _incapacitate?"_ Maya repeated. _"We're not going to destroy it? Sir, are you sure taking that kind of risk is wise?"_

"_This is a chance to learn about the enemy,"_ Fuyutsuki stated. _"Countering future attempts by an Angel to infect an Evangelion is too valuable an opportunity to waste. Carry out your order, pilot."_

Shinji struggled up to his hands and knee, recalling he only had one leg left. Unit-03's body suffered like a fish stranded on the shore. Its movements were old and weak now.

"How should I do it?" he asked. He felt reality skew a few degrees.

"_Remove the arms and legs. We'll mobilize a recovery team to collect the pieces."_

The knife quivered impatiently in his hand.

"Roger."

* * *

Shinji woke with a start. He jerked back from the kitchen table, making the chair legs shriek over the tile floor. He gripped the seat, numb and disoriented as the doorbell sounded again.

The prospect of another compelled march to NERV courtesy of Section-2's subjugating hands made him rise. He staggered out of the kitchen down the front hall, massaging the sore side of his face. Sleeping at the table was uncomfortable but if he learned to doze anywhere in the apartment he could slip out of reality whenever and wherever he wanted.

Shinji hit the door release on the second try and it slid open to reveal Horaki Hikari with a hand raised to ring the bell again.

"Oh, hello, Ikari-kun."

He stared blankly trying to reconcile seeing the girl before him at his home and not at school. It felt like the world was twisting into an unrecognizable blur of jumbled memories.

"Um, sorry," she said, scrunching her shoulders up near her ears. "Were you sleeping? Your landlord said you were in…"

"No, I'm awake. I'm not—" Shinji shook the fog from his skull. "My landlord?"

"I asked him before I checked in. He doesn't have to remember as many tenants now, I guess. There, um, there aren't a lot of people living here anymore."

Giant black hole Angels with appetites for entire city blocks would do that. He thought the complex was quieter lately.

"Are you okay?" she asked. She pointed to the left leg wrapped in heavy white gauze sticking out of his shorts.

"Yeah," he lied without knowing why. "The last fight got a little out of hand."

"Does it hurt?" She brought a hand to her mouth. "I'm sorry. That was a really dumb thing to ask."

"It itches a lot." He let his eyes slip over her school uniform and remembered he wasn't wearing his. He suddenly felt naked. "Why are you here?"

"Oh, right. Well, you probably know a lot of people are leaving the city and my dad thinks it's best if we go too, just until things calm down. It's just, I haven't been able to reach Asuka to tell her. Her cell phone is off and no one picks up at her apartment, not even her guardian. Is she okay? Do you know where she is? I don't know who else to ask. Ayanami hasn't been in school either, but that's nothing—"

"I don't know," Shinji said. "I mean, she's—Soryu was taken to the hospital in NERV, but when I ask about her everyone tells me not to worry." He shrugged in apology. "They don't tell me much."

Hikari pursed her lips and looked down in thought. Shinji scratched at his leg.

"I've left a lot of messages on her answering machine," she finally said, "but I don't know if she'll ever get them. So, could I ask you a favor? Could you, I mean if you see her, could you please tell her I'm leaving for a while? I'll be at my aunt's but she has the number."

"Sure."

"And could you tell her I said sorry for not being able to see her before I left?"

"Yeah. Okay."

"Thank you, Ikari-kun," she said with a bow. She straightened with a contrite smile. "Oh, right." She dug into her school satchel and produced a disc in a clear purple case. "Our teacher asked me to collect all the work you missed and the notes on your computer."

He took the disc. A label on the cover displayed his name in wide curving lines next to a smiley face topped with what he assumed would be his hair in a cartoon.

"I guess it's a little silly to do these assignments, but if, I mean when everyone comes back…" Hikari trailed off as she noticed his eyes drifted away. It dawned on her what she was doing. She visited him at his home to deliver work and ask about someone he barely knew. "I, uh… I put your chess game on the disc, too. You probably have another one, but I-I thought you might like to have all your stats and everything."

He stared at her with a stricken face. His eyes fluttered and fell to the ground.

"Thank you."

The naked gratitude in his voice forced an uncomfortably frigid pity through her. She searched for a distraction and saw how empty his apartment was. Only one chair sat at his kitchen table.

"Do you live by yourself?"

"Yes," he said, looking back. The concept of inviting her in never entered his mind.

"But your school registry—" Hikari bit her tongue. She learned from Asuka the hard way that family situations were sometimes better left unexplained. "Sorry." She fidgeted with the hem of her skirt. "I need to get going. My dad's waiting for me. Please tell Asuka to be careful. A-and you be careful too, Ikari-kun."

She gave him one final bow and left down the walkway. She did not look back. Shinji closed the door and rubbed her image from his eyes.

"Ask Asuka," he spoke and hobbled to the bedroom.

They told him Soryu was alive but it was with the friendly trying-too-hard faces adults wore around children. Unit-02 was destroyed; Dr. Katsuragi said it was her reason for living. Maybe he should have let her die in that inferno.

Shinji accepted why he went after her and knew it was pathetic. Saving a life could not atone for taking one. Morality wasn't an equivalent trade system.

He collapsed on the floor of his room beside the empty moving box he used as a table for homework when he bothered doing it, ages ago. He was too exhausted to masturbate and finish off the waning lust from Hikari's visit. He spied his laptop on the box, a thin film of light grey dust resting atop the cover. He wiped it off and opened the screen. He jabbed the power button and waited for it to boot up.

Shinji ran a thumb over the disc Hikari made him. He used the nail to push up an edge of the label and then tore it off the case before tossing it past his feet. The computer loaded with an inoffensive tone.

The strange meeting with Kaji drifted over his consciousness. He barely remembered any interaction he had with the man because he was unfailingly blithe, and while his manner was nothing new when they talked in the lounge the topic was. Either he was having an off day or he was actually serious.

Shinji dug Kaji's flash drive out of the school pants abandoned to the floor. He lifted it to eyelevel for inspection and a whispering trace of coffee met his nose. He hadn't thought about it until Horaki's visit and now a faint curiosity lowered his hand to insert the device into his laptop. Several soft clicks later its contents opened in a window. There was one directory, titled Ikari Yui.

Shinji stared until he was convinced he wasn't imagining it. He opened it and selected the first file.

_You deserve to know_, were the first words he saw. He did not sleep that night.

* * *

End of chapter 10

Author notes: couldn't help it. Had to do one more Hikari scene. Squee.

Next time: Shinji and Unit-01 throw hissy fits, Shiro falls twice, and I pray for reader patience… "incapacitate the Angel"? Bwuh?

OMAKE

"And that wraps things up," Fuyutsuki announced as he closed the dossier before him, effectively concluding the staff meeting. "Good work, everyone."

The NERV regulars departed, leaving the two commanders alone in Gendo's spacious office. Fuyutsuki rubbed his chin and frowned.

"Have you noticed how many of these office scenes there are? I feel like every other day we're assembled in this kind of setting. It's awfully convenient."

"Convenient?" Gendo asked idly.

"Think about it. Aside from having to only describe a single room and limiting physical actions, it allows for a great deal of information to be related by having it already happen. The characters can treat it as a history they know, thereby avoiding pages worth of tedious explorations on what are usually nothing but plot devices to propel the story forward. It also allows the author to correct or retroactively reshape past events that don't match up, or explain the vague character motivations that continually pop up."

"Do I look like I give a shit?"

"That was uncalled for. Also, when do you ever look like you give a shit? I'm not a mind reader, man. What is your problem?"

"Your face," Gendo moaned as he massaged his temples. "I'm just exhausted by all the murder and child abuse. I need some downtime; I'm only one man and I have needs too. Do you have any idea how long it's been since I've gotten laid?"

"Do hookers count?"

"That bastard Katsuragi snagged that desperate hose bag Naoko, Ibuki threw up when I smiled at her, Ritsuko is dead or something, and the Rei ship has totally sailed." Gendo heaved an agonized sigh. "Why do you think I wear gloves all the time? Not just to conceal hideous burns. My hands are constantly chapped."

"So hookers don't count. Well, how about Soryu?" Fuyutsuki posed, eager to shed the kind grandfatherly image that had plagued him for years. He was actively planning global genocide after all.

"Thank you, no. I can think of far less painful methods of suicide. Besides, isn't she all crispy and amputated now?"

"How quickly one forgets."

"Armageddon cannot get here fast enough. I'll take any of them: the Angel's big humanity-destroying explosion, or either of the ill-defined, poorly differentiated plans we and SEELE are mucking around with."

"Your optimism and perseverance are a constant source of inspiration, my intrepid Commander," Fuyutsuki said.

"Blow me," Gendo said.


	11. The Serpent's Fangs

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion

* * *

Shiro's cane echoed a rapid-fire staccato as he plodded down the hall. The corridor was deserted, like most in the higher-ranking office wings, as every available NERV staff member was tasked with helping restore order after the battle with Unit-03 and the disastrous loss of the Matsushiro base.

Maya padded after him with an armful of folders, adding notes on different files while reorganizing the information she already had. Test schedules, repair progress updates, budget estimates, security reviews and material acquisition all at least partially fell under the responsibility of the science division, even outside emergency situations. The department demanded so many resources to maintain the Eva units, MAGI and Dogma Maya was amazed her mentor never buckled under the pressure.

"The surgeons said Dr. Akagi is out of critical condition," Maya told Shiro, skimming a hospital briefing, "but they want to monitor her closely for a few days. She won't be able to direct any serious operations until they discharge her."

Naoko survived the explosion at the test site but had been in and out of surgery since. Her responsibilities fell to the next comparable senior member, Shiro. His management style relied more on delegation than Dr. Akagi, and Ibuki's near encyclopedic knowledge of the systems and protocols he needed made his new position possible, figurehead or not. Maya's relative inexperience with organizing people and personal involvement with the victims necessitated a superior. Any resentment on her part was well hidden along with depression or anxiety; Kaji's body had not been found. With the level of damage at Matsushiro it might be weeks before everyone was identified.

"I see," Shiro replied. He risked a glance at the girl's face and felt a stab of guilt at how expectantly she was waiting for some sign of relief at the news. He wondered if there was anyone in the base who didn't know about the affair. "I'm glad she's doing better."

The lack of emotion in his voice failed to dampen her satisfaction and they continued down the corridor free to refocus on business.

"Repairing Unit-01 is our top priority," he began. "Unit-00 can wait. Put a call in to the US branch in Nevada. We at least need to keep the channels open for—"

He stopped short to find Ikari Shinji slumped against the wall by his office. His knees were drawn close to his chest, supporting his arms and bowed head. His hair was dirty and mussed.

"Shinji-kun?" Maya asked as she looked to Shiro. A brief gesture told her to stay.

Shinji's head twitched up a degree. He fell back against the wall and pushed his body up. He lurched forward and turned to face the two adults.

"When did you meet my mother?" he asked.

"It's been some time," Shiro said slowly, feeling an uncomfortable glance by Ibuki. "I'm sorry, but could we talk about this later? My division has its hands full right now."

"I, uh, I have a lot of other work I should see to…" Maya began, edging backwards as she clutched the bundle of files to her like a shield. "I'm sure Dr. Katsuragi could spare a few—"

"You told me it was after Second Impact, right?" Shinji continued.

"That's right." Something in his tone made the hair on the nape of his neck stand up. "It really has been quite a long time. I'm sorry; I don't remember the exact date."

"Then why did you tell NERV you never spoke with her? You said it was a 'professional regret' that the two of you never worked together. You said it was a failure and joining NERV was atonement."

_How the hell…?_ Shiro panicked. Kiel let him officially join Gendo shortly before NERV was formed, after Ikari Yui's accident with Unit-01. He was subjected to an understandably lengthy interview process which was nothing unique; being the sole survivor of the Impact, any authoritative body with enough clout demanded access to him.

He told NERV during the screening process about his unrequited professional desire to pool his knowledge with Yui's, but that was almost a decade ago; Shinji would have been a child and Shiro never had contact with him prior to his arrival in Tokyo-3.

Everything he told NERV to win admittance into their ranks was carefully documented and stored within the MAGI's bottomless well of memory. How could Shinji find them? It would be a pointless security risk to allow any copies—

_Kaji._

Shiro lost control of his mask and the color sank from his face. Collaborating with Ritsuko just for something like this seemed unlikely despite the blow it would strike against NERV. Kaji told him Asuka deserved to know the truth about Unit-02 and her status as a pilot, but this was beyond any manufactured parental sympathy. This was calculated treason designed to break the exclusive power over the Eva units Ikari enjoyed.

"No one said you two ever met," Shinji went on. "A lot of people like Dr. Akagi and Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki said so. So either everyone was lying and you lied to them, or you lied to me. S-so tell me everyone else was wrong and what you told me was the truth." There was no response and his face twisted in agony. His voice hitched. "Why did you lie to me?"

The world unraveled and Shiro was in freefall. Shinji quoted him from interviews a lifetime ago, referred to secondary sources, and confronted him in his own home, so to speak; there was no question he knew the truth. No clever stories or feigned compassion would save him this time. The script was lost and the grand performance was over.

"We needed you to pilot," Shiro said.

Shinji shook his head angrily: "Why did you _keep_ lying to me?"

Everything felt slow, even his thoughts. The walls bent outward until all Shiro saw was Shinji with eyes too old for his face begging for a reason to understand _why._

To keep you motivated to pilot. To cover my breach of security in doing so. To challenge Ikari and see how far I could take it. To feel like I was doing something useful. To make NERV and Ikari submit to me just once. To hold the power of Eva in my hand. To use you because I could.

Because you were alone. Because I pitied you. Because you were a coward without any hope of finding a reason to live on your own. Because I have misjudged every person I have ever met and you were the simply the most recent. Because I needed to ruin your ability to rely on others since I don't know how to.

Because I wanted everyone to know I'm a monster. Because I deserve to be hated. Because I deserve to be hated by you.

Because I exploited how your father abandoned you. Because you hate him but want his love. Because being around you was my punishment.

Because you remind me of her.

"I don't know," Shiro finally said.

Shinji dropped his head and the rest of his body slumped with it. Shiro abruptly appreciated how small the boy was. A gust of wind would carry him away. When his shoulders shook in disjointed spasms he thought he was crying.

Shinji's face snapped up dry of tears. He marched forward and took Shiro's cane from under him with a sweep of his foot. The Doctor plummeted hard to the ground.

"Shinji-kun!" Maya cried, deciding whether to slap him or help her superior to his feet. Shiro held a hand up to stop her.

"It's okay," he said from the floor.

The fury withered from Shinji and his body lost its tension. His mouth parted around a tired sneer.

"You're the same as the rest of them," he said. He turned and ran away.

The pieces of the confrontation, careless remarks overheard from Kaji and Dr. Akagi, and the reason Shinji stayed in NERV collided into a coherent narrative for Maya. Using a child's dead mother as emotional blackmail wasn't any less morally bankrupt than training Asuka and Rei as soldiers since birth, but they never lashed out and demanded a justification. The results of the programs she facilitated for NERV were impossible to ignore now.

"Shinji-kun!" Maya called after him, starting a pursuit.

"Leave him be," Shiro said. He reached his cane and used it with the wall to haul himself upright.

"But—"

"What would you say to him?"

Maya crumpled. She watched the hall between them and Shinji grow, and struggled to alleviate the guilty swirl of disgust and pity in her.

"We can't just let him leave," she protested weakly.

"It's over," he told her. He hobbled to his office and opened the door. "Nothing we do will help and we don't have time to try. We have a lot of work to do, Ibuki."

The tether of subordination pulled Maya after Shiro. She had a sudden, heavy understanding of how he and Dr. Akagi could be so close. They treated morality regarding NERV's goals as hindrances; principles just muddied the water. We're in the business of saving the world, Kaji told her once. He smiled as he said it, that weary mocking smile. The wellspring of tears his image should have freed was already empty.

* * *

Filiation

Chapter 11: The Serpent's Fangs

* * *

Asuka was the last person he could talk to. She had to speak with him; he saved her life. When he arrived at NERV's intensive care wing the receptionist cheerily told him all non-medical personnel were barred from visiting the Second Children due to the sensitivity of her injuries. He asked when she could receive visitors and the receptionist did not know.

Shinji wandered away. Left without specific orders he didn't know what else to do. He normally only travelled between the entrance, the lockers, the cage, and recently Dr. Katsuragi's office. Every new hall looked alike, and the massive dimensions of headquarters dawned on him as he followed his aimless feet. It was dizzying to imagine such a facility secreted away within a crack in the earth. He felt like he could walk forever and never get anywhere.

Shinji did not meet anyone as he walked. The isolation was a comfortable kind of misery, left alone with his thoughts but free from the anxiety of other people. His feet carried him to a quiet chamber with benches and potted plants arranged like a small park. The ceiling was bisected by windows that allowed the reflected sunlight of the Geofront into the room. It almost felt natural.

A television panel dominated the wall to his right and displayed a series of peacefully colorful landscape stills fading into each other without hurry. A dense overhead view of a forest canopy seemed to flow like a choppy sea. A yawning beach stretched beyond the horizon around perfect sparkling blue ocean. A thin stream slithered down a mountainside and disappeared in a series of hills. The sun hung in the sky, wreathed in strands of pale white cloud. A dense overhead view of a forest canopy—

Those kinds of places only existed in pictures and movies. The only forests Shinji saw were partly eaten by cities or power plants. He hated the beach. Mountains made him feel small and alone. Every sky that crawled over him was black with rain or painful with heat. Even if those fake images the wall forced on him were real it was pointless to see them. Memories of things like "good" and "beautiful" and "peaceful" didn't have the same influence as "bad" and "ugly" and "terrified". People were too habituated to their own depravity.

He took the bench beside Rei without fully knowing why. She sat five feet to his left reading a small book cradled delicately by slim hands above her lap. She was motionless, even the rise and fall of her chest concealed by the harsh angles of her school uniform. She did not look up when Shinji entered the room or collapsed by her.

Shinji stared at the panel.

"Why are you still here?" he asked her.

Rei turned a page.

"Aren't you scared of me?"

Rei read her book.

"Do you want me to hit you this time?" he asked. "Or kick you? Maybe I should choke you instead?" His body sagged. "Why don't you hate me?"

The lack of sleep and expenditure of emotion caught up with him without the lust for self-righteous judgment. The hate for Katsuragi faded overnight and only the familiar unremitting ache of betrayal remained.

"You performed well during the last sortie," Rei remarked absently, still not looking at him. "I have come to believe it's your lack of discipline that has made you the most successful pilot. A kind of instinctual self-preservation that NERV drove from myself and Soryu." She paused in an almost wistful manner. "I envy you."

"Envy," he echoed. "What is wrong with you?"

"Self-preservation is the most fundamental of human drives. You have adapted it into an effective impetus for violence. That is what I envy: your ability to adapt. You can adjust your violence for use against either Angels or humans. It is a wondrous thing."

"Who cares?" Shinji said with a thick voice. "Who cares about any of that? It's not like it changes anything or makes things better. It doesn't matter what I do. Even if I keep beating the Angels what will it matter? We're all going to die anyway so why do we act like we can get around it if we fight hard enough?"

His head dropped back and he gazed at the glass ceiling. It was very bright today.

"Soryu is… who knows? Nobody tells me anything about her or anything else. I tried to help her but… nothing I do helps anything…" He rubbed a palm over his eyes. "Nobody tells me why I have to pilot or why it's okay to lie to me or why all of this has to happen to me…"

Shinji's mouth lost the power to fight injustice. He pitched away from Rei and fell on his side. He curled his arms around his head.

"What do you want from me?" he whimpered. "I don't have anything. Why can't you leave me alone? Why can't you just go away?"

"Where should I go?" Rei asked, turning another page.

"I don't care. Anywhere." He bit down hard. "I don't like you."

"That is inconsequential."

The panel projecting the landscapes shifted and rearranged before him. He wanted to believe they were real and forget all about NERV and the monsters that inhabited it and how small and fragile they made him feel. He hadn't cried in weeks and still couldn't find the strength or the weakness or the right series of biological prompts. The ability was scored from him, leaving only a dull empty pit where the tears used to spring so readily. The trapped frustration gnawed under his skin.

Rei rose from her seat with a whisper of cloth. The bench didn't make a sound freed from her presence. It was like she didn't weigh a thing.

"I have a test scheduled," she announced like a change in the weather. She did not leave or make a move for a long time. "This place is swollen with people. They are terrified of its existence and its absence."

Her feet padded away, the touches of her soles like the last coughs of a rainstorm on a roof. Shinji listened and was not sure if he was relieved or upset at being left alone.

Isolation was anyone ever offered him. Dr. Katsuragi lived in his own fantasy, his father abandoned him, Captain Kaji was missing, Dr. Akagi was in the hospital, Horaki was gone, Soryu was hidden away, Ayanami was content with her private madness and Suzuhara was dead.

What made Shinji deserve anything else? Being heroic and saving the earth were convenient platitudes the adults intimated but the world never gave him anything worth fighting and dying for. He saw two cities in his life and they were both filled with the same miserable pack of selfish, cruel, ignorant liars. Piloting for them was a disgusting idea. Piloting for himself was worse; the cloak of righteous self-sacrifice he wrapped his perversions and failings in to save his mother was lost. All that was left was Shinji. That sick, cowardly, stupid, worthless, talentless, repulsive useless child no one wanted. The best humanity had to offer against the Angels.

The pictures on the wall bled into each other.

"This is pathetic," he muttered.

* * *

The alarm sounded seventeen minutes later. Shinji counted ten seconds before the intercom blared at him. They were slacking off.

"_The Third Children will report to Cage 7. This is not a drill. I repeat, the Third Children will…"_

At least they were honest about the consideration they paid him. He was nothing but a tool they needed to turn the Eva on, like a keycard or access code.

His feelings weren't any different. Inside the entry plug the voices and faces that reached to him from headquarters were just noises and images, disconnected with the reality of their individual lives. It was a symbiotic relationship, each side enabling the other. But if he failed, died, the noises and images would fade to silence and static and nothing substantive would be lost to him.

Everyone would die if he lost, billions of lives across the planet. Would the guilt he felt from taking one life be amplified a billion times? Mountains, continents of bodies, twisted and immovable, all wearing the empty cracked face of Suzuhara Toji.

Shinji was walking. He couldn't remember when he left the bench. His stood at the door of the locker room, pausing for a moment of recognition before entering. He stripped, frowning at how thin he was. He considered getting something to eat after the sortie but food always held a faint underlying tang of LCL.

_Is this what you wanted for me, mother?_

He pulled on the plug suit and it conformed to his body with a sigh of air.

_Do you and father hate me so much?_

What was so great about this world to justify suffering for it so much? It was the same world that took his mother and left him alone and forgotten, the same world that mocked him with displays of everything he could never have, the same world that burdened him with the expectations and demands of others.

He entered the cage, an anthill swarming with technicians scurrying up and down scaffolds with a manic kind of purposefulness. Each knew their individual task and carried it to completion without any thought. Drones marching around their queen.

Shinji climbed into the entry plug and Unit-01 welcomed him into the folds of its supremacy. He sat upon his throne and wondered the reason. For humanity? For mother? For such abstract, foreign purposes? He didn't know them. All he ever knew was himself. So he was all that mattered.

Eva gave him absolute power over the world. He controlled whether everyone lived or died. The strength of giants ran under his fingertips like currents of divine lightning. A sweep of his hand and man's culture, the entirety of its accomplishments would be turned to ash. It was his will that moved Eva, it was his will that judged existence worthy of salvation or deserving of oblivion. Soryu and Ayanami were gone. He alone remained in the Evangelion, an impenetrable shield against guilt and blame. This was his reason to pilot: to gain the power to act.

Unit-01 submitted to him and he was transported to the lifts. A noise in his ear told him he was being deployed within the Geofront. He tried not to think about how strong that meant his enemy was. He rose by the artificial lake, NERV's pyramid at his back. On his right a thick metal panel serving as a makeshift shield had been erected and he staggered towards it; with less than twenty-four hours since the last battle Unit-01's left leg remained severed at the knee. Shinji dropped into an uncomfortable crouch, braced against the shield as he connected a waiting umbilical cord.

A massive flatbed truck bearing a pallet rifle lumbered to a stop by him. It pulled away after delivering its cargo and another in a long convoy rolled into its place, outfitting Shinji's position with extra rifles, rocket launchers and melee weapons.

A rending of metal and a flash of light cracked the air as a cross flare reached from the inverted city ceiling. The fleet of trucks scattered as retracted buildings lost all support and crashed to the floor of the Geofront. Shinji fixed a rifle on the entrance cut from the sky and waited for the Angel, the enemy, the means to act without thinking. Soon there would only be the Eva, protecting him from hindrances like guilt and fear and shame and loneliness. Then the ugly unthinking thing trapped behind his skin could come out.

The Angel slid into the Geofront, a hulking dark mass wreathed in fiery smoke and debris. Shinji felt his blood push against Unit-01's armor.

_I've killed your kind, I've killed mine. It's all the same. They were alive, I found them, and now they're gone._

There was no public praise or condemnation. It was like they never existed, like they all just disappeared.

Dr. Katsuragi, Captain Kaji, his father, the dead boy Suzuhara, Horaki, Soryu, Ayanami, his mother and everyone who ever passed him in life distorted and merged into the profane monster before him descending to the floor of the Geofront.

_I'll make you disappear._

The first burst of gunfire struck the Angel and it vanished in a ballooning cloud of smoke. The violent recoil of the rifle needled his arms with the stinging precursor to numbness. It felt like the last Angel's saliva burning through his leg.

The rifle emptied and he abandoned it for a rocket launcher. The Angel drifted peacefully to the ground and hung suspended above it like a parade float. Shinji drew the crosshairs on the targeting reticule together and felt his entire body shudder as he fired the first rocket, then a second, then a third, then he lost count.

_AT Field is neutralized… why isn't it falling?_

The rockets struck the Angel and flared into angry orange balloons before dissolving into harmless curls of smoke.

_You can't exist with me! I won't allow it!_

The launcher spent its final round and Shinji froze in bewildered fury.

_Why don't you disappear?_

The Angel hung unfazed in the air wreathed in the shimmer of super-heated air. Its eyes flashed and it vanished beneath the burning white death of a cross flare. It struck Unit-01's shield and blew it apart, sending Shinji tumbling crazily to his side.

He found himself facedown against a stack of broken trees, his entire body sore. He struggled up and abruptly fell as he forgot his missing leg. Shinji flipped his body to locate the Angel and watched the protrusions on the top of its body unfurl two long thin slats. The ends snapped up and shot forward.

They seemed to slow as they neared and he watched the strange organic intricacies of the blades with condemned fascination as one pierced his lips and slid through his cheeks, then his teeth, then his tongue, then his throat, then the base of his skull and then there was nothing.

* * *

"Unit-01 has ceased activation," Maya said.

The main monitor showed the Evangelion slumped backwards in a half-crouch, its skull cleaved in two at the mouth. The lower jaw was revealed, the tongue lolling back over the exposed throat. A curtain of blood fell to the earth below it. The top of the head could not be seen.

"Pilot's status?"

"I don't know. The main monitoring circuit was severed—"

"The Angel is proceeding past Unit-01."

"—so I'll have to reroute the pathway to another—"

The world shook. Shiro fell forward against the back of Maya's chair. His cane clattered somewhere on his right. Debris from the ceiling misted the air.

"Unit-00's status?"

"It was transported from the neutralization zone but it hasn't been prepped for combat," Hyuga said. "The Commander's overseeing it." He took a thick breath to continue before another explosion shouted over him. The bridge shuddered and secondary alarms wailed to life. "The Angel has breached headquarters. It's descending the Main Shaft towards us."

Shiro stared up at the image of Unit-01. Its wound had almost stopped bleeding. There were only a few thin fingers of blood reaching for the ground.

"All personnel evacuate," he ordered. There was no possibility of even a partial evacuation of headquarters. At least they'd die thinking they had a chance. Once he was alone he could activate the base's self-destruct himself.

The main screen dissolved into jagged static before bursting open and allowing the Angel access to the bridge. It plodded forward under a shower of wreckage, crushing the lower levels and several straggling technicians.

A scream echoed from a tier below. At his side someone choked on a sob. Shiro watched death fill his vision and felt something small and angry scratch the edge of his consciousness.

The air was thick again, it was fiery and vicious. There were sounds and lights he never saw before. The snow and ice were difficult to walk through and he was carrying that little girl.

That little girl.

He saw Unit-01, headless and frozen.

That unconscious bleeding little girl.

Asuka's burnt and mangled body.

That unconscious bleeding little girl you left behind.

The crushing darkness inside the escape capsule.

You left her.

Shinji, staring down at him, without tears in his eyes, only a shattered trust.

You abandoned her.

That little girl, staring up at him, without tears in her eyes, only a bitter longing.

You killed her.

You killed your own daughter.

_You killed Misato!_

Shiro's mouth split open when a thunderous crash sounded as Unit-01 landed behind the Angel. Swells of smoke and rubble exploded forward like a gale. Unit-01's giant claw rose above it and pulled the invader to the ground on its back, the other hand parting the cloud to strike. The Angel's eyes flashed and the energy skewed wildly as it tore apart Unit-01's fist.

Blood and bone and metal splashed the bridge, a chunk of finger carved the command tower in half. Shiro landed hard on the floor as the structure collapsed around him. Aoba scrambled past him, tripping over his legs.

The brain in his head spun. His ears went numb and he tasted copper. He found a jagged sheet of metal framework pinning half of his body. Something thick and warm hurried down his face.

Unit-01 rammed the Angel into the wall. The catwalks lining it snapped like twigs. The Angel pivoted to flare its eyes again. The energy beam severed Unit-01's ruined right arm, painting the ceiling with gore as the limb tore through it, finally crashing to a stop on the far wall.

An elbow to the Angel's faceplate knocked it down, and an armored foot kept it prone. The Eva's remaining hand seized the face and pulled until it tore off with a sickening snap of severed muscle and skin. Unit-01 plunged its arm shoulder-deep into the exposed insides and with a straining effort ripped it free out the front of the Angel, splitting it open like an overripe melon. Strange internal support structures and unidentifiable organs were wrenched free and spilled to the ground in wet heaps. The shining sphere encased in armor on its chest dimmed, then sank into the ruined mire of its body.

Eva dug a hand in a bulging pile of viscera and stole a ragged fistful of meat, raising it like a trophy. It crushed the pulp against its open jaw and forced it down the exposed throat. What was left of its head jerked up and down as it swallowed, the armor hugging its neck straining against the effort. The hand came up empty, wet with saliva and blood.

_This is the end,_ Shiro thought as he watched the butchering. The stench finally hit him and he covered his mouth to fight back the bile. _An Eva unit with a true S2 engine. We've signed our death warrants. By SEELE or this new god before us._

Evangelion Unit-01 rose, bathed in gore. Its jaw pitched up sharply and trembled before the flesh around the throat bulged and bubbled, sprouting like a flower. A pale mass swept over the teeth, growing up and out to settle on a vaguely pear-shaped form.

_Shinji-kun…_

The skin around the front retracted and a top set of teeth burst through. A slit opened above it, forcing out a perfectly formed green sphere. The great eye rotated unnaturally in its socket as it inspected the ruined chamber. Inevitably its attention fell back to the gutted Angel and the promise of complete restoration.

Trapped beneath the twisted and bloodied wreckage of the command deck Shiro bore witness once again to the awakening of a god and the loss of a child.

… _I couldn't even say I'm sorry this time._

* * *

End of chapter 11

Author notes: sweet, sweet deus ex machina. I suppose a headless Unit-01 fighting is pretty unbelievable. If you find biomechanical clones of gods believable.

Next time: the conclusion. It will hopefully wrap things up to a satisfactory degree. But probably not.

OMAKE

"The Angel has breached headquarters," Hyuga said. "It is descending the Main Shaft towards us." Beside him, Aoba shrieked in terror and hid under his desk.

"All personnel wet your pants," Shiro ordered, one step ahead of everyone.

The main monitor dissolved into static as Zeruel burst through, itching for another humiliatingly one-sided fight. Before it could do anything besides look menacing Unit-01 dropped down behind it, sans head. The Eva raised a mighty fist and swung without mercy or accuracy. The punch missed completely and Unit-01 flailed a moment before regaining its balance. It hopped forward on its one leg, swinging wildly at the air.

"Well, it did lose its eyes," Hyuga said.

Safely floating to the side, Zeruel debated how best to annihilate her persistent but pathetic enemy. The wall behind her exploded outward and Unit-00 charged through wielding a progressive knife poised to attack. It slashed far too soon and tumbled head over heels, landing facedown below the command deck.

"Unit-00 only has one eye," Shiro observed, "so its depth perception has to be pretty bad."

The Eva did not move from its graceful faceplant.

"And Rei never was our best pilot."

Making the most of a dramatic entrance, Unit-02 plummeted down the hole Zeruel made and landed with a resounding crash.

"… I knew we forgot something."

The red Eva had yet to be repaired following its near-destruction during the Leliel battle, and was little more than a charred torso. It lay immobile in a crater. Unit-00 still hadn't moved. Unit-01 had managed to locate the wall farthest from the Angel and was making it pay for ever being built. The pants-wetting command was reinstated.

Zeruel charged her eye beams. Aoba continued shrieking in a puddle of urine. Hyuga cursed his virginity. Maya felt a subtle relief at not having to learn the results of the blood test following her breakup with Kaji.

"Well at least I didn't leave the job half-done this time," Shiro said. "I can finally say I was directly responsible for killing all of humanity, not just half. Closure feels good."

Then the cross flare erased him on a molecular level. The end.


	12. Ouroboros

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion

* * *

"Welcome back."

Naoko blinked quickly to adjust her vision to the light. She raised a hand to rub her eyes and remembered she couldn't; one hand was in a cast to mend a broken wrist, the other was tethered before her chest in a sling. Her sight stabilized from prickly blindness to amorphous sunspots to a fuzzy normalcy and she recognized Shiro's dark hair and long face hovering by her bedside.

"Can I have a few more days?" she asked, weighing the cost to her reputation against a frantic demand for morphine. "Or weeks?"

"I wasn't the one who established NERV regs for patients."

"You bastard," Naoko croaked, still blinking through the last of the disorientation. "How's our wayward Captain? Please tell me he's already been discharged. The last thing we need is our nursing staff on leave for unplanned pregnancies." He didn't bother to humor her this time and her light smile fell. "What is it?"

"Naoko," he said, "Kaji's dead. He didn't survive the Matsushiro explosion. His body was identified last night."

She stared up at the ceiling. Her face and body went slack. Her eyes closed.

"How's Maya?"

"She's discovered detached professionalism. Working with her is like operating a computer."

"Working with her?" Naoko repeated. "She was reassigned to you? Was I really out that long?"

"Someone needed to handle your duties. Unit-01 was damaged taking down Unit-03." Shiro hesitated only a moment. "And another Angel attacked the Geofront the day after the Matsushiro explosion."

"Attacked the _Geofront?_ It penetrated the shields?"

"It was unusually powerful," he said, and summarized the combat and invasion of Central Dogma, the Angel's execution, and finally Unit-01's regeneration and awakening. "While the bridge is being repaired we've transferred operations to the old secondary command deck. We've established a visual feed from the plug and Shinji-kun is, for lack of a better word, lost inside the Evangelion. There was no physical trace aside from his plug suit and neural connecters. The sensors on the secondary bridge aren't as sophisticated as our usual array but they're enough to verify he's gone."

Naoko drifted unbidden several lifetimes ago to the cramped GEHIRN laboratories she lived in following Unit-01's first activation, futilely clawing her brain raw to find a way to retrieve Ikari Yui's irretrievable body. The science of Evangelion had not meaningfully progressed since then; through most of the research and development they were flying blind, guided by the barest of understanding, and that had not changed.

"Ironic," Naoko murmured. "It's too much of a coincidence. It almost makes me believe in fate." She looked away from Shiro. "Maybe he found his mother. It would be a shame to disturb them after they've been separated so long."

Her eyes watered. A thin tear slipped down her cheek and her face crumpled.

"Naoko?"

"I never said goodbye to Ritsuko," she managed. "I know… I know I wasn't a good mother. I know I didn't raise her the right way. I didn't even try… I just…" Her pillow was speckled with wet pockmarks. "I wasted so much time, but I still…"

She was too weak to cover her face or fully turn from his eyes. Her wounded body shivered in pain from the effort of crying.

"I'm sorry," she sniffled after a moment. "I shouldn't be complaining, to you especially. I'm just feeling a little helpless right now." She smirked at herself. "I can't blame anyone else. It wasn't as if we were ever close but…"

A trembling breath passed her lips, but Shiro stayed quiet in what she considered either a remarkable display of insightful sensitivity or dispassionate dumb luck.

"When can I start?" she asked him, testing the strength of her arms against their stunted mobility. "I'll need to review the first salvage operation, acclimatize Maya, run a—"

"The doctors are understandably hesitant to let you work. You're looking at a long recovery."

"Then go over the doctors," Naoko said, giving him a strange look. "Talk to Ikari. It wouldn't be the first time he ignored medical advice from professionals. You need me on this. We've already lost a lot of time."

"I did ask Ikari," Shiro said. "He's deferring to the doctors."

"Is he just going to let Shinji—his son be trapped in Unit-01! The risks of doing nothing far outweigh those from a salvage attempt! Even if Ikari decides to put a combat freeze on Unit-01, he can't—"

The true implication sunk in and Naoko bit back the rush to rebuke Shiro for his casual surrender to the situation. Both her professional and private relationships with him vacillated between fondness for his acceptance of reality and irate frustration at his lack of emotional tact.

"So Ikari's casting me aside," she spat. "For what? You? If he expects you to take over then you'll need to be educated on a few things. There was no pilot inside Unit-03. There was apparently never any plan to recruit one from the pool. When we got there the Eva was already loaded with some kind of modified Dummy Plug, one I never saw before. He played scientist behind my back and now we're paying the consequences."

His bluff to ensure Shinji fought proved prescient. Through the channels available to the provisional head of Project E, and his usual unofficial sources, Shiro learned Unit-03 made an undocumented stop at NERV Germany on its flight from America to Japan, ostensibly for an emergency refueling.

_And to pick up a foreign-made Dummy Plug,_ he thought.

It would explain how Ritsuko knew about Ikari's system, as well as her reasoning behind destroying it, but Naoko not having prior knowledge of it was unexpected and troubling; how was it possible to create a Dummy Plug independent of the main branch? Ikari immediately quarantined the possessed Unit-03 and Shiro's efforts to gain access were met with unwavering refusal. Why NERV kept it from Project E, and why it wasn't destroyed in the first place, remained unknown to him.

"Class is over," Naoko told him without looking. "You'd better run along if you want to finish my work for Professor Ikari on time. Just copy my notes when you run into something you don't understand. Good luck. You'll need it."

* * *

Filiation

Chapter 12: Ouroboros

* * *

The grotesque visage of Unit-01 smiled down at Rei. She sat before it on the gantry, hugging her knees and gazing up with wide wondering eyes. Perspiration beaded her face and slipped down her plug suit; the cage sweltered in the thick body heat of the monster above her. Her own body felt too heavy to move. So she stared at Unit-01 and Unit-01 stared at her.

Giant bandages wrapped the Evangelion like a mummy. The front teeth broke the dressings, stained yellow from its feast. Twin slits on its head revealed lidless fluidic green eyes that bulged like sacs of pus.

The majority of Unit-01's armor was removed, its form no longer disguised by the artifice of machinery. What was visible between the folds of the bandages was dull gray, molded together in patches by thick bolted seams. It looked rubbery to the touch.

The skin on its regenerated limbs was brighter, a watery pinkish hue, a few shades beyond pure white. It reminded Rei of a newborn's flesh, soft and raw, swathed in the violent scent of fresh life.

The stench of blood dripped from every surface in the cage. It was stronger than the taint left on a pilot's skin, stronger than the entry plug, stronger than the amniotic radiance of the Dummy System. It was the Source's smell, true and unfiltered by human craft. It clogged her nose and throat, filling her with the same appreciative wonder she received from Ikari's frenzied brutality. Both were pure and beautiful and free.

"Will you stay there?" she wondered aloud.

Since the confirmation of his absorption Rei tried to decide if she wanted Shinji to return. There was a part, a disgusting human infection beneath her skin that desired more contact. She enjoyed his anger, his reactions, his willingness to submit to what he felt. He was her personification of freedom. He did what he wanted, while she was bound by the unyielding hand of Ikari Gendo.

If NERV did salvage Shinji there was nothing he could do to match the absolute perfection he presented to her during the last Angel's massacre. Her expectations were exceeded and memories of those feelings would have to sustain her until the day the Commander used her to gain mastery over life and death.

Rei paused. Revelation sang in her mind. She realized there was something that surpassed the magnificent last battle.

How many died from the recent Angel's attack? A few dozen? A few hundred? Paltry. Even including the destruction of the Matsushiro base did not amount to anything but a trifle. Everything lost since the Third Angel's appearance was insignificant next to the joyous horror of another Impact.

Shinji's hate wouldn't be squandered on a pitiful Angel or a puny human boy; he would tear the entire world apart, obliterate every life, burn away all of the grotesqueries that mankind infected the planet with.

This was a purpose for herself, from herself, greater than the trivial dreams of Ikari Gendo. Rei was now charged with conferring truth to this human world of hypocrisy and deceit. She would lead Shinji to NERV's foundation, to the secret that forever whispered in her ears, to the wellspring of existence and let him exterminate mankind. And as she watched them all being ripped away she too would finally be able to discard the repulsive shell she was trapped in. The tangle of desire, jealousy, disgust and anger he forced her to feel would be cast off too. She would be free to return to oblivion cradled by the memory of Shinji's perfect hate shattering all falsities and pretenses.

She stared up at the Evangelion. It stared back.

"You must return," Rei told him.

* * *

The room was vacant and dark. It was always vacant and dark, an impenetrable echo chamber protected from the warping persuasions of the world. They gathered in this sanctuary to speak, and plan, and order and cast their might upon mankind because no one else could.

The austere monoliths of SEELE phased into existence to grant the room purpose and life. Their work necessitated confidence, even a degree of arrogance. What was unacceptable was the rebellion against their goals incompetence represented.

"Ikari's inadequacies in maintaining the Eva units and their pilots have been apparent for some time," Five declared. "This catastrophic result seemed beyond even his failings."

"He abused the power we bestowed upon him recklessly and has made NERV a shield for his irresponsibility," 01 said, Kiel's voice sharp. "As have you, Dr. Katsuragi."

Shiro stood small and alone in a disc of light, caged by the faceless members of SEELE.

"The duties given to me never included direct interference on a scale necessary to prevent Ikari's actions," he said, "and certainly not Unit-01's awakening."

"And yet you directly interfered with Ikari's son, the pilot of Unit-01," Kiel said.

"And your mismanagement of Unit-01's only viable pilot did nothing to deter the current situation," Eight continued. "It can be argued the failure of your arrogant ploy to control the Third Children contributed as much as Ikari's failure to do so."

"Unit-01 acquiring an S2 engine, the Geofront penetrated by an Angel, Central Dogma exposed, dozens of NERV personnel and civilians dead…"

"And the murder of one of the third level pilot candidates."

_What?_ Shiro thought. _One of the possible Children from the school was_ murdered_? When did that happen? How is it connected to this?_

"I admit I overstepped my boundaries," he said to rein the meeting back to a position he could reasonably play defense on, "but at the time I decided it was necessary to ensure the Third stayed within NERV."

"It was not your decision to make."

Shiro felt a genuine pang of fear. If they wanted him dead he wouldn't stand a chance. Calling him to absorb their discontent wasn't unusual but this open hostility was. It was getting difficult to tell which faceless hologram was berating him. He felt bombarded on all sides and appreciated why others dragged before this committee collapsed into panicked self-preservation.

"I made a bad judgment," he offered as contrition, and decided to remind them why he was invaluable to their cause and regain control of the interrogation. "I have stated my reasoning but I also needed to guarantee my own survival within NERV. Ikari leaves my division to me but throwing him scraps of work as I focus on the S2 project for you is—"

"Your efforts in that area were appreciated."

"The original theory and experiments were to your credit."

"Your subsequent labors have likewise proved convenient."

"… excuse me?" Shiro asked slowly. "What are you saying?"

"Your lack of discretion and poor judgment in dealing with the personnel of NERV has compromised your integrity and focus. Likewise, your subsequent work regarding your original theories has proven adequate at best, and is overshadowed by the absence of meaningful progress. Your inability to advance is a liability and an impediment to the completion of our goals."

"I would advise this committee against getting ahead of itself," Shiro said carefully, pushing down the anxiety twisting through his veins. He stared up at the vicious red 01 towering over him. "As you just said, the S2 theory is mine and the practical applications of creating a functional engine are not a simple matter. I will not be—"

"You have had fifteen years. If the capability to produce an engine is beyond you then you need not continue to endeavor in vain."

"You need it," he burst out. "Instrumentality depends on it. How can you tell me not to—"

"Do not embarrass yourself further, Doctor," Kiel spoke. "Should your practical application of S2 theory reach your academic comprehension we will consider further efforts to be merited. This meeting no longer concerns you."

There was no point in demanding answers about the Unit-03 incident or Ritsuko and Kaji. There was no point in speaking at all now.

_They never needed me,_ Shiro realized as the monoliths vanished together. He was always careful the work he presented to Kiel could not be reengineered into anything approaching a functional S2 engine. _Believing I was the only person capable of advancing my original theory to completion was…_

Arrogant. Misguided. Selfish. Myopic. Childish. Stupid.

What they wanted.

_What_ I _wanted._ Shiro searched the reservoir of his emotions for anger or betrayal and found shame. _Yui was proof I could be surpassed. Kiel gave me busy work to keep an eye on me and I happily accepted. The only person I fooled was myself._

The halo of light at his feet was sucked into the room's void and he was left in darkness.

* * *

Gendo sat at his office desk, hands folded before his mouth, the shine of his glasses obscuring his eyes. Fuyutsuki stood at his right, looking unconcerned. Before them the polished desktop was bare save a middle school laptop and flash drive.

"Thank you for arriving so quickly, Dr. Katsuragi," the Sub-Commander said. "We know you've been stretched thin but this is a matter of some importance."

"Of course." Shiro stood at a respectful distance, leaning heavily on his cane. _How many times have I been here, heeling in deference? I've lost count._ "I assume this is in regards to my report on Shinji-kun," he preempted, staring at Gendo.

"Correct." Fuyutsuki gestured to the items on the desk. "His laptop was retrieved from his apartment and contained nothing suspicious. The drive was found in his locker inside NERV. It contains several pieces of classified information, though nothing that compromises NERV. Interviews, surveillance, and progress reports make up the bulk. Mostly details regarding the early days of NERV, its personnel, and our vetting and hiring process. It seems it was, as Lieutenant Ibuki reported, enough for Shinji-kun to figure out the version of events you told him was fabricated. The real question is, how did he acquire such information?"

"I have no clue," Shiro said. He had to maintain the illusion of the loyal company drone to let Gendo believe he was in control. "But I highly doubt Shinji-kun possesses the ability to hack into the MAGI."

"All of the information did not originate from the MAGI," Fuyutsuki stated. "There were portions culled from various external sources that I'm honestly surprised still exist."

"Well…" Shiro glanced between them. "Someone gave it to him."

"Clearly. It seems the late Captain Kaji took it upon himself to revise the education you gave the Third."

"Kaji? You're positive he's the culprit?"

"There is no question. His skills at subterfuge are, excuse me, were remarkable in their transparency. Whether he believed he was a competent spy or simply didn't care is a moot point now. NERV's awareness does not end within NERV." The Sub-Commander cocked his head a degree. "You seem surprised. I find it difficult to believe you wouldn't suspect the Captain, considering the frequency you spoke with him."

"Oftentimes liaisons between divisions are not the most efficient means of communication." He felt flimsy. He knew he was sweating and could not stop. _Maintain the illusion. Ikari is blinded by his sociopathic obsession with power._

"The closer one is to you…" Fuyutsuki issued a dismissive smile. "Regardless, we have eyewitness testimony implicating the Captain in data theft from the MAGI during the blackout, as well as causing the blackout."

"From who?" Shiro demanded before he could stop himself.

"His collaborator," Gendo finally spoke. "Akagi Ritsuko."

"She was a distraction, regardless of her own motives, used to divert attention away from the actual saboteur. The effort wasn't wasted on you, at least. And while Captain Kaji's death at Matsushiro was unfortunate it does spare us the inconvenience his removal from office would present us."

_Gendo knew,_ Shiro thought. He swallowed with difficulty. _He knew Kaji was a mole all along and finally had him killed for it._

"Furthermore," Fuyutsuki continued, "while we appreciate the burden you've taken on during Dr. Akagi's recovery, the doctors report that a full discharge from the hospital isn't realistic for several months. Her injuries were extensive and remain a serious concern, despite no longer being considered critical, and we don't want to take any chances. That being the case, we've decided to allow one of the foreign branch's science directors to take over Project E. Her knowledge of the MAGI and Eva are comparable to Dr. Akagi's. She's arriving tomorrow morning."

The words tumbled apart in Shiro's head.

"Arrival? Who on earth did you find? Naoko—Dr. Akagi can't be compared to anyone else in NERV." He glanced between the two men behind the desk, both placid and silent. He felt ill. "Ritsuko's alive?"

"Why would you think otherwise?" Fuyutsuki didn't wait for an answer. "Akagi Naoko's injuries have all but ended her usefulness. The main branch's survival is paramount and as no one else on the premises can equal Dr. Akagi's expertise it only made sense to enlist the aid of the person many consider the second-most authority on the MAGI and the Evangelions: her daughter."

"But…" Shiro battled the insanity of the situation. "But she destroyed the Dummy System. She admitted it to me. I put it all in the incident report."

The Sub-Commander waited a moment, letting the Doctor's voice echo through the spacious office and fade to silence.

"We understand a human's loyalties are never absolute. So long as members of NERV fulfill their given roles and do not impede its ability to function there is no reason to persecute them. To put it another way," Fuyutsuki went on, staring at him, "you can do as you wish as long as we deem it inconsequential to NERV and its goals."

The world slowed and became cold. The walls of Gendo's office bent inward to trap him in place, and Shiro was back in the escape capsule floating in the Antarctic, alone and helpless, trying not to scream in the dark.

_They know,_ he thought, a terrified whisper in his mind. _They know I'm a spy. They've always known._

And they let him speak with SEELE to pursue his fantasies of subversion because that was all the Commanders considered them to be: fantasies. He played an imaginary game while Ikari watched like a parent amusedly embarrassed at his child's behavior. The moment he openly acted, Shiro would be removed from the picture.

He had to look down to make sure he was still holding his cane, still on his feet.

"While the loss of the Dummy System was unfortunate," Fuyutsuki said, "its source remains intact. Akagi Ritsuko's familiarity with a comparable system will stave off a complete disaster. Naturally she'll be placed under heavy surveillance and her initial access will be limited, but time is always in short supply and precaution is a luxury. That said, I know we can count on you to ensure an efficient transfer."

This was their gambit against SEELE? Steal their top scientist? To what end? There was no time to recreate the Rei clones or build another Evangelion. It had to be something far more proactive to justify the risk of admitting Ritsuko into the MAGI.

_She created the foreign Dummy Plug,_ Shiro realized. _And Ikari wants a countermeasure._ He didn't want to think about how Ritsuko agreed to this. He now understood why he was denied access to the captured Unit-03, and why it was kept intact. Sending it to Japan was not a simple experiment or Kiel testing Ikari; it was a declaration of war against NERV.

Shiro looked up. Fuyutsuki was smiling cordially. Gendo had not moved, watching him with an indifference born of unquestionable authority, unconcerned enough to let a subordinate handle a traitor standing before him. He lifted his head just enough to speak clearly.

"You are dismissed, Doctor."

* * *

The apartment complex was empty. The last stubborn tenants and landlord left town with their lives before the next Angel finished its predecessors' work and finally destroyed the city completely.

Shiro crossed the bare parking lot, his steps echoing faintly off the tiered walls. It was quiet; the city was mostly abandoned, even by the Tokyo-2 refugees, silencing the usual cacophony of traffic, pedestrians and railcars. Even the birds seemed unwilling to remain. Tokyo-3 was now the world's most technologically advanced fortified ghost town.

He declined a Section chauffeur and drove alone without spotting anyone following. He knew he was still under surveillance, he rarely wasn't, but an unseen shadow offered the illusion of not casting one. A few NERV agents combed the area several days ago in vain. There was nothing to link Shinji to the data theft from the MAGI, and barely anything to link him to existing in the first place.

Shinji's apartment was on the fifth floor, which struck Shiro as odd since even at its peak occupation there was plenty of available space on the lower levels. The door was unlocked and he entered, walking down a short front hall to the kitchen. A janitor service NERV's investigation section was not. The room was a mess of unhinged drawers and cabinets, scattered dishes and toppled chairs. A table lay on its side by the wall. The refrigerator was overturned, its empty doors jutting out.

Shiro moved to the bedroom. The mattress was upended and sliced open, standing in a pool of bed sheets. The closet was ajar, displaying naked hangers for a few articles of clothing spewed over the floor. The desk was pulled back from the wall, its bare drawers hanging out at odd angles.

He spied a dismembered cello in the corner. The face was removed and the sides were splintered. The neck was snapped in two. Some of the strings curled like spider legs.

There was an empty moving box split open beside the bed. Shiro carefully bent over to fix it and saw a spot of white under the desk. He retrieved a crumpled strip of paper and smoothed it out. It was a label, Shinji's name in unfamiliar handwriting beside a simple but amiable cartoon depiction. Shiro placed it on the desktop, idly sorting a few loose school printouts into a pile. Beneath the clutter he found an old SDAT player, outdated by several generations. The headphones were missing and the face was smashed in, splintering the clear plastic into a lopsided spider web.

Although the investigation team was mercilessly thorough in their searches they never resorted to wanton destruction. Shiro ran a thumb over the player and paused as his palm lifted. He curled his hand into a fist and rested it against the shattered face. Though too big, it fit well enough.

Shiro wandered back to the kitchen. The apartment wasn't the most glamorous Tokyo-3 had to offer, and it was more than adequate for a teenage pilot living alone, but there was nothing he expected from a teenage pilot living alone. The bedroom had no posters, the TV in the living room was dusty, no movies or videogames, no manga, no stereo, no junk food, no useless eccentricities to speak for the owner's personality. Despite the chaos from the search everything was spotless, no stains or wear to prove anyone ever lived here.

It reminded him of his own apartment. It was furnished like a prison cell but he used it less as a home and more a storage locker with a bed he occasionally slept in. But Shinji didn't have a job that often demanded twenty-hour workdays or the creative stresses of playing double agent.

_He's just a kid with no friends who's obsessed with the story of his mother I fed him,_ Shiro thought. He wondered if encouraging Shinji to socialize with his peers or take an interest in school would have accomplished something.

He pulled the kitchen table up off the floor and straightened it out relative to the wall. He looked around the rest of the pillaged room. Absurdity and impotence crushed him.

_What have I done these last fifteen years?_ he thought. _Did I accomplish anything?_

NERV and SEELE remained. The Mass Produced series was nearing completion. Unit-02 was lost. Kaji was dead. Naoko was exiled. Asuka was ruined. Rei was unusable. Unit-01 was a god. Shinji was gone.

The Dummy System's destruction changed nothing. Purposefully slowing his research changed nothing. Lying to SEELE and NERV changed nothing. Lying to Shinji changed nothing.

Shiro's cane clattered on the floor. The table lurched as he fell against it, scraping over the floor with a high squeal.

_Killing Shinji-kun changed nothing._

It was too late to throw his full support behind Ikari and open opposition against NERV or SEELE was doomed by his lack of meaningful resources. The world marched to its written end despite his meager and self-deluded efforts.

Something angry closed his throat. He tried to swallow and got stuck. He slumped to the ground.

_Saving myself changed nothing._

There was no escape capsule to hide in this time. Another child was dead and could not look away again.

_Killing my daughter changed nothing._

He felt the heft of the service pistol dig into his leg. He fumbled in his coat for it and pulled it out on the third try. He gazed at it, cradled loosely over his thigh by a limp hand. He always thought suicide should be poetic, even in a small way. He supposed emptying his skull over the kitchen floor of the neglected boy he manipulated and ultimately sent to a state of undeath fit the requirement.

The muzzle tasted just like he remembered: cold, with the tang of oily metal. His index fingers slid easily over the trigger, the rest twining around the handle in a prayer.

_Inconsequential,_ the Sub-Commander told him.

He tilted the gun up against the roof of his mouth, hoping to counter the recoil and the difference between paralysis from a severed spinal column and death from an obliterated brainstem. His lips closed around the barrel. The notched sight trailed along his tongue.

_Inconsequential,_ he thought, and pulled the trigger.

The snap of the empty gun rattled his teeth. He drew the pistol from his mouth and let his hands flop to the floor between his legs. He traced the sleek polished black of the metal from the protruding tip down the gradual slope to the trigger guard, his index finger hanging limply from it. His eyes crawled across the gun handle to his wrist, pale and thin next to the weapon, and met the face of his watch.

The hour was later than he expected. Shiro retrieved his cane and got to his feet. He tucked the pistol away and pushed the kitchen table back to its right place. He walked to the front door with a firm step. There were too many things to do and too little time to do them.

There were significant preparations he needed to complete before Ritsuko arrived in the morning. Maya could handle the bulk of it, since she'd be transferred along with control of the MAGI. She wouldn't be enthused at the prospect but joining NERV meant abandoning a good degree of free will "for the greater good", as Kaji sometimes said with a mocking grin.

Past actions assured him Ritsuko lacked her own beliefs, but he couldn't deny her ability as a scientist. He knew she had to blame him for her capture but when she understood his true motivations complimented her desire to be recognized outside of Naoko's shadow he could secure her allegiance before Ikari did. Shiro captured her mother, he could capture her. Gendo would be watching them both closely but his narcissistic overconfidence blinded him to the world beyond his periphery. Despite the Commander holding the MAGI, Lilith and the Angel-possessed Unit-03, Ritsuko could prove the deciding factor in determining man's fate, and Shiro would determine hers.

After all, he realized, the world was depending on him.

He reached the front door. The world beyond was quiet and dim under the setting sun. He turned off the apartment's lights and stepped over the threshold without looking back.

* * *

End of Filiation

Author notes: about time that cocky ACC got knocked down a couple pegs.

I figured this had to end with Shiro somehow redeeming himself for letting his daughter die, or not. While sacrificing himself for Shinji or saving him from Unit-01 might be more cathartic, it still wouldn't make up for killing arguably the hottest cast member in the first chapter.

Tons of loose ends but those plot threads, that I admit got out of hand, were just window dressing to the ugly, dilapidated hovel that was my ACC. If I was wise I wouldn't have centered the fic on him. Live and hopefully learn. At least I completed my original intent: Shiro's life between killing Misato and killing Shinji.

The Rei scene was pure filler, but so what? I had the most fun in this fic writing her.

Thank you for reading and putting up with my nonsense.

Fun fact: one possible translation for "shiro" is castle. I think it fits.

OMAKE

"What a senseless tragedy," Shiro said, staring up at Unit-01. It was restrained by the cage and adorned with a bib to catch stray chunks of Zeruel that dribbled from its mouth. "Basing an entire story on me and my engaging personality was a terrible idea. This all but guarantees I won't be appearing in another fic. Yet another anti-climactic end only adds insult to injury."

He hoped he could vanish from the fandom's collective consciousness without too much belittling or bitter aftertaste. His pity party was crashed by Rei as she dashed into the cage, ignoring Shiro completely since she was so far above him he needed a ladder to find the bottom of her foot.

"Ikari-kun!" Rei cried at the Evangelion, her voice uncharacteristically sort of filled with something kind of like emotion. Possibly. "I'm sorry for manipulating you, scaring you, scarring you, creeping you out and bullying you into murdering that douche bag Suzuhara!"

"Whoa. What?" Shiro balked.

"Forgive me, Ikari-kun! Let me stand by your side for all eternity! Now get out here and pound me into the wall! I'm the nail and you're my hammer!"

"Whoa. What?" Shiro balked again. Rebalked?

"Hey, idiot!" Asuka yelled, crawling in on the floor. "I've had a complete change of heart and no longer care about piloting! Also, you no longer disgust and infuriate me! I'd totally be willing to join your harem or, failing that, be your overprotective best friend!"

Maya ran in, trampling Asuka like so much burnt, limbless garbage.

"Shinji-kun!" she called out. "I've always thought you were sweet and super cute! Plus, I've seen your nude activation tests and decided to trade up for a real man!"

Kaji's dead body dropped from the ceiling with a note pinned to the chest declaring how much he wanted to be a surrogate father to Shinji, despite the creepy-uncle vibe he usually gave off. Gendo walked in, saw the note, and walked out.

"Shinji-kun!" Naoko said, somehow no longer injured. "I'm willing and eager to fulfill all of your unresolved mother issues, possibly with Rei's help! I won't judge! I did almost sleep with your dad, after all! Plus, I have tons of unresolved child issues to work through and sex is the only way I know how to connect with people!"

"Like mother like daughter!" Ritsuko said, hopping off a VTOL that magically appeared.

"Ikari-kun!" Hikari cried, skipping in from out of nowhere. "Even though we only had two scenes together I decided to leave my loving family and sacrifice personal safety to be with you!" She hefted up a bucket she was carrying filled with human bones. "And thanks for getting rid of that chronic discipline problem Suzahara!"

"Greetings, Lilim!" Kaworu said, floating down from the ceiling. "I wasn't even in this story and I adore you, Shinji-kun! Care to knock on Heaven's backdoor?"

All eyes fell on Shiro. He cleared his throat.

"Ah, yes," he began. "Shinji-kun, I'm terribly sorry for… many things. Many, many things. Including how I lied to you for eleven chapters. So come out and I'll, um, buy you a bicycle. Then leave forever."

"Shinji-kun!" the assembled crowd cheered with varying levels and kinds of enthusiasm. "Our life's only purpose now is to make you happy! Please come back!"

Unit-01's back opened and the entry plug spun out in a rush of LCL. The hatch lifted and Shinji, unTanged, stuck his head out.

"Pipe down out there!" he yelled. "You're disturbing the fish!"

"Shinji-kun! We love you! In different but not mutually exclusive ways!"

"Like any of you could make me happy!" he snapped, and called them out respectively. "You're a freak, you're a bitch, you're a loser, you're dead, you're old, you're a stranger, you're boring, you're a boy and you're a monster! You think your convenient last minute changes of heart will make up for the crap you all put me through? I'm not a bottle you can empty and refill with positive feelings! I can't just shrug off the cowardice and self-hate that define my very being! Because guess what? I'm screwed up! I'm always going to be screwed up, and no deus ex machina outside influence is going fix that! If you really want to help, help yourselves first! Replacing your own problems with impulsive affection for me is only going to come back to bite both of us on the ass! Now get the hell out of my mom's cage!"

Shinji slammed the plug hatch with an indignant huff and it spun back into Unit-01. The cage sank into a profound silence.

"Well, that was heavy-handed," Asuka said.


End file.
